This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Friday, October 16, 2009

Journal Entry: September 20, 2009

Hey Oogy-

I'm sitting here at your place struggling a little, as usual. I really miss you right now and for some reason I feel really far away from you. Karen has been out since Friday and we've been keeping really busy so I'm not sure if that's why I feel this way because I haven't really slowed down to feel your presence around me. But I have to admit that I also haven't been to church in a couple weeks for various reasons. I can't believe how much going to church really makes my week so much better. I'll be there this Sunday for sure!

Yesterday was the first day since you've been gone that I asked you for a dime and didn't get one. I have to admit that I'm pretty bummed about it. It was Sunday though and I didn't go to church so I could go to Laguna. Anyways, Daddy told me that's probably why you didn't send me a dime because you don't work on Sundays because you're too busy at church too! Or maybe you were just busting me for not going to church! But I'm really enjoying my time with Karen. She has been so supportive...listening to me talk about you and tell stories and laughing and crying with me. Please keep a special eye on her and her girls for me.

Today at the Irvine Spectrum I looked for a dime too and didn't find one. I also feel very empty today, like you're not around. Please don't ever go away. I already miss your physical presence more than words can define, so I don't know how I'll do without your spiritual presence too. Although, I know you're busy up there doing fun stuff and learning too so you can't be here all the time!

I just realized too that whenever I meet new people in the future they will never know you. It doesn't matter how much I talk about you or describe you or show pictures of you - none of that even does justice to meeting you and actually knowing you. I suddenly feel a special bond with those who knew you personally and experienced your amazing personality and spirit. You were freaking awesome...absolutely hilarious, crazy, strong, happy, loving, brave, etc. (okay and very difficult and loud at times too!) but people who didn't or don't get to see that in person are so cheated. And honestly, I feel cheated out of getting to show you off. I know that sounds very selfish, but I was so proud of you and just loved how everyone (even the harshest looking men) would stop and watch you and talk to you and rave to me about how cute you were. I used to always say that you could make a statue smile. I'm angry at times that that was taken away from me. Again, I know that's really selfish but don't forget that I'm still an average human being still living here in this self-centered earthly world.

I love you Ooge and I miss you. Please come back soon so I can feel your presence around me. I do rely on your little signs of the dimes to keep me going. Please, please, please don't stop sending them!

Love, Mommy

P.S. I forgot to add that Hailey sent me a dime the Friday before I wrote this. I went to pick up my friend from Boston and brought Hailey's old car seat for her daughter to use. When I put it in the car I saw some of Hailey's little crumbs in it and it really hit me hard. Then as I was driving to the airport I looked behind me to check my blind spot and was caught off guard when I saw Hailey's empty car seat sitting there. So I started talking to her and telling her how much I missed her and needed to feel her near me. While walking into the airport I looked everywhere for a dime, but found none. But...on the way out, walking the exact same path right there on the ground as we crossed the street was a dime! I couldn't believe it!!!! It was awesome for Karen to be there to see that too so I have a witness that I'm not going crazy! Whoo hoo! Thanks baby girl!

1 comment:

  1. Hello Wendy,

    I have never met you (I went to school with Sean and Dave), but I felt compelled to write to you on here. Like many others, I heard about your daughter's passing through communication on Facebook, and then began reading your public blog here. First, let me just say how terribly sorry I am for your loss. When I look at the pictures of your daughter, I literally get chills- she was just so incredibly adorable. I can see her personality burst out through her pictures, and though I never met her, I smile thinking about the things you write about (I have a 2 year old daughter, so I completely understand- they can be so funny!)

    I read your stories on here, and my heart just hurts for you. As I said, I know I never met you, but that's just the type of person I am- I read a sad story, and for days, I can't get it out of my head. I guess I've always been empathic, which I think will be very helpful when I become a counselor one day (ironically, I have always had a strong interest in bereavement counseling). Anyway, I just wanted to make a comment to say that you should remember that it's okay to be angry sometimes... I know you comment about it from time to time in your stories, but you seem to feel guilty about it. Though you have your faith (and dimes!) to help ease your pain, you still have every right to get angry at times. Just as you said, you are an average human being still living here in the self-centered Earthly world. So please, don't feel guilty if sometimes you want to just scream at the top of your lungs because you are just that upset at a particular moment. Personally, I wouldn't think that it would be a sign of selfishness at all- I think it would simply be a sign of a normal, grieving mother, going through a very rough time. So, please just allow yourself to feel that... and no matter what, Hailey and God will love you and help you through.

    I wish you peace every single day... even if it's just a little bit. And just remember, there are MANY people who think about you and your family every day.

    Take care, and God bless.
    Angela Davis