This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

If you'd like to start from the beginning, click on the beautiful, adorable picture of Hailey on the right hand column.

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Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Hailey's "First Day of Kindergarten"

So today would have been Hailey’s first day of Kindergarten. I’m not going to lie and say that I didn’t think about it all day long.  I went to bed last night thinking of how excited she (and I) would have been when I tucked her in.  I woke up this morning thinking of how excited she (and I) would have been when I dropped her off.  It really hurt. 

I wonder what she would have worn, how we would have done her hair, what backpack she would have picked out, where she would have sat in her classroom, how she would write her name, and on and on and on.  I longed for a picture of my two girls together on their first day of school, just like all those ones I see on Facebook.  I ached to see them walking together, hand in hand, to their classrooms.  (Okay, that one was a little bit of a stretch…I know Hailey would have refused to hold Lexi’s hand!  But I still imagined it anyways.)  I saw her running up to me after school with a huge smile on her face as I wrapped my arms around her and asked her how her day was.  I could hear her chatting away telling me about all the exciting events of the day.   

I know she would have absolutely LOVED school!  I remember how much she would want to stay with Lexi when we would bring her to school.  One day I was chatting with some friends as I was walking to my car after I dropped Lexi off .  All of a sudden I realized Hailey was missing.  I went frantically searching for her everywhere and after about 5 minutes found her sitting in Lexi’s classroom on the floor in the middle of all the kids.  Lexi’s teacher (or the other kids for that matter) never even noticed her.  I laugh every time I think of it because she just thought she was the cat’s meow!

 Here's a picture of Hailey that day.  She's wearing a green shirt and has a lollipop hanging out of her mouth.  I just love her mischievous expression!

Anyways, I know as a mother we always want and assume the best for our children.  Sometimes I wonder if Hailey’s life would have been as great as I had imagined it or if I was just in denial at how difficult her struggles would have truly been. 

She was smaller than most of the children her age, although her personality was 10 times the size of the average 3 year old!  But I know how cruel children can be at times (not because they intend to, but because they haven’t quite developed compassion and empathy yet).  Would the other kids have made fun of her because she was smaller or because she had a lot of scars from all her surgeries or because she got really “phlegmy” when she would eat and even have to gag sometimes?  Oh my gosh, that would have been absolutely devastating to me as a mother if one of my children were made fun of.  Although, I will say that Hailey, even as small as she was, didn’t put up with nothin’ from no one.  She would have taken those kids down in a heartbeat!

Anyways, I just wanted to share my feelings today.  I miss my little girl and hate the fact that for the rest of my life I’m going to have to wonder what she would be like.  I want so badly for her to be here living a “normal” 5 year old life.  I would give anything to see her and Lexi go to school together each day and grow up together and be best buds (and enemies) together.  Even with faith and hope, life still can feel really unfair at times.  I'm just grateful that I know she is right where she wants to be and probably couldn't be happier...even though I would very selfishly bring her back in a heartbeat.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Hailey's 2nd "Heavenly Birthday"

I know it’s been a while since I’ve last written, but this summer has been so busy!  Not that I’ve forgotten Hailey or my blog…I actually have a whole list of things I need to write about to catch up, so I decided to finally get started.

Hailey’s 2nd “Heavenly Birthday” was August 11th and it actually turned out to be a nice day.  It started off a little shaky because I couldn’t help but keep reminding myself that it’s been an entire 2 years, 24 months, 104 weeks, 730 days, 17,520 hours, 1,051,200 minutes, and 63,072,000 seconds since I last physically hugged, kissed, or heard my little girl laugh.  But the good news is that I did really well at not reviewing the events of that horrible day over and over again in my head.  I did think of it a couple times, but then reminded myself that Hailey would not want me remembering her in death, but only in life. Not to mention, that I knew it would do me absolutely no good.  That’s one of the reasons I’m so glad I started my blog because I have it all written down so I don’t feel the need to continually review everything over and over and over again out of fear of forgetting.  If I ever need to be reminded, I can go back and read what I’ve written…which, by the way, I still have not done out of pure terror at what difficult emotion it might bring back.

I did have a really cool experience that day, though, that I wanted to share with you all!  That morning we went and had frozen yogurt at Hailey’s Place.  I brought her a side of strawberries because every time we’d get frozen yogurt she would literally say about a hundred times, “Mommy, no ‘i keem,’ just stawbewwy…no ‘i keem,’ just stawbewwy.”  So I would always get her two big sides of strawberries instead of yogurt. The weather could not have been more perfect and her place more serene.  I felt like I was experiencing a little slice of Heaven while sitting there visiting her.

Later that evening my family and I went to dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings because they were having a fundraiser for Hailey’s Foundation.  What better way to celebrate her life than by going to dinner and making money to help other children in her honor?  As we were there I quietly asked her to send me a dime so I would know that she had a “beau’ful” day and was there with us.  It was already about 7:00pm so I knew there weren’t many chances to find one, but I also had faith that she’d come through for me.  I scanned the restaurant and the parking lot as we left but found nothing. 

While at dinner, my friend asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her.  It wasn’t a movie I was dying to see, but I thought it would be a good distraction.  When we arrived at the theater it was around 8:30pm so the parking lot was packed.  We decided to park a few rows away and walk instead of driving around for hours looking for a parking spot.  She randomly picked a spot where there were no other cars and parked.  I opened the door, stepped out and right at the tip of my foot was a dime shining in the light, tails up!  Of all the spots we could have parked, we just happened upon the one with the dime right there! I couldn’t believe it!!  My sweet Hailey heard me and was there.  I can’t even describe the smile that put on my face and the joy in my heart.

After 2 years, she is still just as much here as when she first left us!  I know she will always be nearby looking out for us and keeping in touch by sending her little tokens of love…a dime, tails up!