tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-63733848185255459402024-03-05T00:40:41.407-08:00The Light At The End Of The TunnelA candid look at what faith can do to bring peace & hope to a mother during her greatest loss...that of a child.wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.comBlogger176125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-15612197897582463182018-03-15T10:04:00.001-07:002018-03-15T10:04:47.341-07:00
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wow it’s been a while! As my other kiddos get older, life
gets busier and I have less time to really stop and think and write.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One thing that has not changed and never will
is the fact that I think of Hailey every single day, ALL the time, from the
moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed. She’s on my mind just as much as
my children who are here. She is there during everything I do with her
siblings. When they eat breakfast I wonder what she would be eating and if she
would still have eating issues. When they get dressed I wonder what Hailey’s
“style” would be. When they leave for school I wonder if Hailey would be
bossing Ava around as they walked down then street. When I volunteer in their
classes or attend a school activity I wonder who Hailey’s teacher would be, what
kind of student she would be, and who she would play with. After school I
wonder what activities she would have wanted to be in. Would she be a dancer, a
gymnast, an artist, an athlete, or just a kiddo who liked to stay home? During
homework time, I wonder if she would gladly sit and do her homework or would
she be fighting with me about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When
her siblings are fighting, I always wonder where she would be in the mix. Would
she be joining in (probably!) or sticking up for one of her siblings?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who would she fight with the most? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Those are just some of the things I think about everyday.
But there are also many other things mixed in there, like when I’m with friends
who have children her age and I wonder what she would be like and look like. Or
when we go to the river as a family and the kiddos are laughing and jumping off
the raft into the water and I think of how much she would have loved that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or when her birthday comes along and I wonder
what kind of party she would have wanted and what kind of toys or books or
movies, etc. she would be into.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or at
church when I see the girls in her Primary class giggling together or talking
about their testimonies of the Gospel and I think about when Hailey said, “Me
know Jesus.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are so many things to wonder and there are many more
to come that I probably haven’t even considered yet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hate it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I hate having to wonder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet, I
continue to do so and sometimes wonder if it’s better that I don’t know because
maybe what I don’t know is better than what I do know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe her health issues would have caused her
a much more difficult life than I imagine. I think as a mother we always
imagine the best life for our kiddos. We imagine they will be happy, healthy,
well adjusted, and successful; but honestly, I’m not sure that’s what Hailey’s
life would have been like. I don’t know if her eating issues or her scars from
surgery, etc. would have caused her to be made fun of at school. I don’t know
if she would have been constantly sick, as she always was in the beginning of
her life. I don’t know if she would have had severe brain damage if they had
been able to revive her after she choked. I just don’t know. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What I do know, though, is that she is happy where she is
now. She is not in any pain. She is aware of us and knows what we’re up to. She
watches over me (and her family and friends) by sending us dimes and Lay’s
trucks. I know she is very loved both here on Earth and there in Heaven. I know
she has made a huge impact for good on more people than I can count. I know
that her legacy is one she can be so proud of and one that she deserves after
all she went through in her short life. I know that being her mom has changed
me more for the better than I could have ever thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that I am way more compassionate,
empathetic, caring, non-judgmental, and faithful than I’ve ever been
before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that I live my life to
make her proud. I know that she will always be as much a part of our family now
as if she were still physically here. I know how strong and how weak I am. I
know the most horrible pain any mother can feel and I know that I can survive
it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know that I miss her more everyday, if that’s even
possible. I know my life will never be the same or without heartache because
she’s not physically here. But, I also know that our Heavenly Father is aware
of my pain and heartache and I know that Jesus Christ felt all of it and
comforts me when I need it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that
I will be with her once again and in complete joy for eternity.<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-6859859366267995282016-07-15T21:01:00.002-07:002016-07-15T21:01:54.147-07:00Another Birthday...<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m sitting here at Hailey’s Place right now looking down at
her beautiful little smile staring up at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Gosh, I miss her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her birthday is
this Wednesday, July 20<sup>th</sup>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She would be turning 10.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hate the days leading up to her birthday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are usually worse than the actual day
itself. I always try to tell myself not to focus on the actual day, but deep
down inside I feel like I have to do something special or profound as if to
prove to myself and everyone else that I haven’t forgotten.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course I haven’t forgotten.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In some ways I remember even more. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As time has moved forward, I feel that the wall of pain
around my mind and heart has thinned out a little and sometimes gives me quick,
slight glimpses back into those initial first days, weeks, months, and years
without Hailey. I try not to go back and think about that sheer pain, agony,
and heartache, but sometimes for some reason unknown even to me, I’ll allow
myself to go back to that day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can
usually only handle the memory for a minute or so before my heart starts racing
and I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sometimes have a random flashback of a
moment that will literally feel like someone socked me in the stomach and took
my breath away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It never ends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is my life. I realized recently that I’m
living every parent’s worst nightmare. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Joey’s birthday was in June.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was so fun watching him get super excited as he anticipated that day, especially his birthday party! The joy on his face as his friends showed up
and the even bigger smile as he opened all his presents and blew out the
candles on his cake was priceless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Lexi’s birthday is in August. Just yesterday she asked me if we could
start talking about her party. She can’t wait to make her guest list and plan
all the details! She talked a mile a minute about all her ideas!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ok, I’m crying now as I type this because where’s Hailey in
all this? Her birthday is Wednesday. I want to see her excited face in
anticipation of being 10. Double digits! I want to see her guest list in her
own handwriting. I want to go with her to pick out her cake and decorations. I want
to see the joy in her face as her friends arrive and sing to her and laugh
with her and watch her blow out her 10 candles. Instead, we’ll be having cake
at the cemetery and singing Happy Birthday to that adorable little picture on
her headstone.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s not fair. Life is not fair. I HATE July and August.
Every July I have to deal with the anticipation of one more birthday she won’t
be here for and then the very next month marks one more year that I’ve lived
here without her. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On that somewhat depressing, yet brutally honest note, I
have to say that I’m surviving. Not only am I surviving, but I’m thriving and
even happy. (As happy as I could possibly be without Hailey.) I laugh. I laugh
a lot. But, yes, there is pain behind that laughter. A pain and sadness that
will always be there, a sense of innocence forever lost.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, there is always wisdom and gratitude
behind that laughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gratitude for the
amazing blessings and miracles that have come from Hailey; gratitude for the
faith and spiritual growth I have gained since Hailey came into my life;
gratitude for the amazing family, friends, and strangers that have loved and
supported us; gratitude that I have other children to continue to bring me joy;
and most importantly, gratitude for a Heavenly Father who loves me and Hailey
so much that He will never let us be apart forever and for my Savior, Jesus
Christ, who made that possible. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I sit here getting buzzed all around by flies, I’m going
to end. I don’t really have anything profound and new to say. Just thanks.
Thanks for loving my Hailey, and my family, and me. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Happy Birthday Hailey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I love you baby girl.<o:p></o:p></div>
wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-81389986420227487992016-05-03T20:48:00.001-07:002016-05-03T21:01:27.506-07:00Feeling Sad...<span style="font-size: large;">Wow! I can't believe it's been so long since I've last written. I realized that I'm most active on Facebook, so that seems to be the place I share my experiences most often. Tonight though I'm feeling sad. I mean, I pretty much feel sad everyday, but more so tonight. I was in the car driving and a song came on the radio that literally describes my experience so well. I can never get through listening to it without crying and tonight was no exception. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Life Ain't Always Beautiful, by Gary Allan...</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Click on the link to listen to it, but I promise it will make you cry. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2gcSglbNRI"><span style="font-size: large;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2gcSglbNRI</span></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">For some reason, it compelled to me come back here and write. I'm sitting here with that familiar lump in my chest because I just want to break down and cry so badly, but I hate doing that because it takes so much energy for me to recover. So hopefully, by writing, I'll be able to get the same amount of emotion out. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">As I've said before, no amount of time ever makes losing a child easier. It just makes the pain and grief different. I very rarely cry on the outside anymore, especially in front of people, but honestly, I cry on the inside everyday. I think that's one of the reasons I love to laugh so much; it helps to relieve the sadness I feel. Hailey is still on my mind every single day, just as often as Lexi, Ava, and Joey. I seriously hate living my life without her. I'll admit, I have what I consider to be a great life, minus one thing, my Hailey. As my other children continue to grow up it's so hard not having Hailey around. We do so many more fun things now as a family since we're finally out of the "baby stage." Fun things that I want Hailey to be a part of. It truly sucks not being able to have my whole family together...ever. Watching my other kiddos grow, laugh, play, fight, and experience life is so hard without Hailey in the mix. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">It's amazing how much a part of my daily life she still is. Every day as I get my kiddos off to school I think about how she's not there to walk with Ava. I wonder what she would have wanted me to make her for lunch and what kind of clothes she would have liked to wear. After school while helping with homework, I think about how Hailey would be doing in school. What would her writing look like? Would it be neat or messy? Would she like homework or whine and complain about it? At dinner, I wonder what she would have been telling us about her day. At bedtime, I wonder what books she would be reading and how she would have wanted her bedroom decorated. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Every school event, I'm reminded she's not there to be a part of it. Ava just had a 'jog-a-thon' at school and as I was there cheering her on and watching the huge smile on my face, guess who wasn't there for me to cheer on, Hailey. When I take Ava to her singing class or piano lessons and Lexi to her sewing class I wonder what Hailey would have liked to do. When I'm cheering Ava and Joey on at soccer, I wonder if Hailey would have liked to play sports. What shows would she have liked to watch on TV, what games would she like to play, who would she fight with the most, what would be her favorite song, and the list goes on and on and on. These are things I think about and wonder every day. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I'm also reminded she's not here by other painful means too. Every time I meet someone new and they ask how many kids I have. I hate that people I don't know assume I only have three kids, when I really have four. Or when I'm out with my family they don't know we're missing one. It bothers me so much. Just the other day I took Lexi to a new dentist and the paperwork asked how many siblings she had and their ages. Seriously? I had to sit there for 5 minutes debating with myself about what to write. I don't want to write two because she doesn't have two siblings, she has three, but then what do I write for Hailey's age, and what do I say if they ask why she doesn't come there too, and..., but still, she has three siblings!!! Anyways, in the end, I wrote three because she has three. If they want to ask me about it, then I guess with that lump in my chest I'll have to tell them. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Also, every time I hear of another family who had a child pass away, all my initial emotions resurface. It's like I'm back at the beginning of this journey again walking beside them in my heart. It's a pain and heartache that most people will never know (lucky for them), but I know it all too well and therefore feel a sense of responsibility to grieve with other mothers who are grieving a similar loss. That's a lot of weight on my shoulders; yet I crave to be there for them.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">At my church we all hold "callings." A calling is a position or assignment members have been asked to serve or perform. They are all volunteer since we have no paid clergy.</span><span style="color: #191919; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 23px;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: large;">Anyways, I was called, by my Bishop, to be our Primary President, so I am in charge of all our primary aged children (18mos-12yrs). Every week when I see Hailey's class walk into our Primary room my heart aches a little. When the whole primary gets up to sing on Mother's Day or for their part in our yearly Primary program I'm reminded that Hailey isn't there. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">So here I am, 7 years later, still sad, still missing my little Hailey all day, every day. I'm learning how to live and cope with it, but honestly it's exhausting sometimes. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Since it's been a while, here are some pics:</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Hailey and my "Beautiful Day" candle</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">One of my favorite pictures of all my beautiful kiddos!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">On Hailey's 9th birthday a bunch of my friends surprised us with a party for her at the pool! I have such amazing family, friends, and support. I honestly couldn't be more grateful for all the people who continue to show me compassion, love, and support. One of my favorite things is all the random texts I receive with photos of dimes, Lay's trucks, etc. from people thinking of Hailey! </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">They make my entire day.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Ava wrote "I'am looking to Hevin" on a picture she took at Chuck E. Cheese. She told me it made her think of looking up at Hailey. For having been so young when Hailey passed away, she has such an amazing connection to her.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Joey putting flowers at Hailey's Place.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">A family picture at our aMAYZing Kids Annual Golf Tournament to support our non-profit therapy clinic opened in honor of Hailey.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-40911889480153912932014-10-19T19:54:00.000-07:002014-10-19T19:54:33.885-07:00Waiting For Her To Come Home...<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I don't care how much time passes, you NEVER get over it. You NEVER stop hurting. You NEVER stop missing and wishing and hoping and praying. You just don't. It's not possible.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I have become a master at hiding my feelings on the inside. I'm not sure if that's something to brag about, but it's reality. I love to laugh, which I think comes from the fact that it softens the pain a little every time. My philosophy in life is, "One can never laugh enough." I think that just goes to show, in some ways, how much softening I need for the pain that I carry everyday.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I miss her. I seriously miss her so much. I ache for her. I yearn for her. I hurt for her. I go on for her. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Sometimes I think watching your children grieve can almost be worse than your own grief. Ava has always had a strong connection with Hailey, both before and after her death. But lately, that strong connection has become bittersweet. It keeps her sister's memory alive in her heart. It makes her want to talk about and hear about her sister. It makes her want to know her sister more and more. However, it also makes her miss her sister, cry for her sister, wish for her sister. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Tonight she came to me crying and told me that she just misses Hailey so much. These times are so dang hard for me...beyond words actually. I hugged her and she decided she wanted to go to bed early and look at a memory book I made for Hailey of her first year of life. We laid side by side and looked at all the pictures. I explained what was going on in the ones where she was in the hospital covered in tubes and wires and then told her funny stories about the ones where she was laughing or covered in food all over her face. (I can't believe how much I've forgotten about Hailey's first year of life. All the hospital stays, brushes with death, surgeries, setbacks, triumphs, pains, and joys.) After looking through the book I had tears streaming down my face. Ava put her little head on my shoulder, her arm across my chest, and asked me to tell her more stories about Hailey. The moment was one that most parents will never experience with their 5-year old daughter, but me, I experience it often. It is precious...sacred.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I hope and pray that I am helping her deal with her grief properly. I never expected her to actually grieve. She was only 9 months when Hailey passed away, so I guess I just assumed we'd talk about her memory and Ava would know she has another sister but it wouldn't go beyond that. Well, I couldn't have been more wrong. And although it is tremendously painful, I'm grateful that I was so wrong. I'm grateful that she adores her sister so very much.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Just last week Ava told Sean that she was sad it was taking Hailey so long to come back. Apparently, she was hoping Hailey would be back by Halloween so they could eat candy together. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Most 5-year old children can't wait for their birthday or Christmas or popsicles for dessert. Not my 5-year old...she simply can't wait for her sister to come back home. </span></span>wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-24947584025106308742014-08-09T21:11:00.000-07:002014-08-09T21:11:08.415-07:005 Years - It Still Hurts<span style="font-size: large;">The 5 year "anniversary" of Hailey's passing is very quickly approaching. (Only 2 more days to be exact.) I wish I had some great words of wisdom or inspiration that 5 years of grief have taught me, but honestly, I think I've pretty much covered everything over the last 5 years of writing my blog. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">One thing I can say for sure is that time does NOT heal all wounds. It definitely makes them a little less sore and a little more tolerable, but they are not by any means healed. I actually feel this year has been my hardest since my first, although I'm really good now at not showing it on the outside...at least not through tears.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">On the inside though I've been so sad. I've felt very vulnerable, insecure, fearful, overly sensitive, etc. I have that pit in my stomach all the time and my heart flutters when I stop and think about her. My heart has been on my sleeve and my feelings are hurt a lot easier right now, probably because I'm already hurting. I feel lonely even though everyone around me is so supportive. I think it's just the longing I have for my little girl. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I seriously miss her so much and often feel like 5 years has been long enough to live without her so it's time to bring her back. I've passed the test. I stayed faithful to God and my religious beliefs. I've done tons of service in her honor. I've stayed strong for my family. I've helped others around me who are also grieving. I've created a beautiful legacy in her honor. The list goes on... But now, selfishly, I want my reward. I hate to admit that, but it is what it is. I don't want to live another 5 years, 10 years, 50 years without her, yet assuming I live a safe and healthy life that is most likely my reality. Yuck.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Ava has been showing real signs of grieving lately and I'm not sure where it's coming from since she was only 9 months old when Hailey died. It could be the fact that she can sense my renewed grief and pain or that she is getting older and the reality is setting in that she's really not coming back in this lifetime. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">This morning she came into my room and woke me up and told me she was feeling like she wanted to cry about Hailey. So I rolled over, lifted up the covers and she climbed in beside me. As I hugged her tight a few tears slipped down her cheek. She kept asking me when she was really coming back because it's been soooo long and she wants to see her soooo bad. It is impossible to put into words what that does to a mother who is already grieving. My heart broke for her. I'm worried that she'll start to get impatient and "give up" on Hailey. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Then today we went and had milkshakes at Hailey's Place as a family and as we were leaving Ava ran over and "hugged" Hailey and told me she wanted to cry about her again. I told her she could cry about her anytime she wanted and I would be there to hug her every single time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I've found over the last five years that the months and days leading up to Hailey's Birthday and the "anniversary" of the day she died are often worse than the actual day. The anticipation sucks. The constant thoughts of what we should do to "celebrate" her life turn over and over again in my head. On one hand I want to do something super special in her memory, yet on the other a part of me wants to just go about it as a normal day and pretend like it never really happened.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Well this year, as every year so far, we're going to do something fun as a family to celebrate both her life and my mom's. She passed away on my mom's birthday, which obviously makes it that much more difficult. We were all supposed to go to dinner that night, but of course never made it. So now we say that Hailey and my mom share a birthday. Hailey's Heavenly Birthday and my mom's Earthly Birthday. And we try to celebrate that day, instead of being sad. It usually ends up being a "beau'ful" day!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">At Hailey's Place Tonight </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">The kiddos and their milkshakes </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Ava hugging Hailey </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">(Every time I look at this picture my stomach does a flip flop.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Ava "crying about Hailey" </span> </div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-72714054716350722902014-07-10T18:25:00.004-07:002014-07-10T18:34:08.817-07:00Grief = Emotional, Mental, Physical, & Spiritual<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I've been really thinking about my grief a lot lately. Today I had a heavy heart all day. I don't know if it's because Hailey's "Earthly" birthday is coming up on July 20th and her "Heavenly" birthday is coming up on August 11th or because in the last year I've had several close friends experience the tremendous loss of a loved one, but whatever it is my "Grief Journey" has been on my mind a lot. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">It's weird because part of me wants to go back to the day Hailey died and remember all the little details, yet when I try my mind literally slams the door and I can't concentrate on it. I guess that's my emotions, mind, body, and spirit telling me I'm not ready for that. (Who knows, I may never be. I know nothing good can come of reliving that day in my memory, but in some strange way I also never want to forget it.) </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Anyways, as the door slammed once again this afternoon while I had a quiet moment to think, I was instead guided to thinking about grief as a whole and what it really did and is still doing to me. (I feel pretty confident in saying that most people who have experienced the tremendous loss of a close loved one can probably relate very closely to the following.)</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Grief literally wrecks you. It rips you down to the bare bones in all areas of life: Emotional, Mental, Physical, and Spiritual. It's almost as if you are stripped down to nothing and have to get up and start from scratch. Now, let me say, I'm nowhere near that point anymore. I think I'm definitely well on my way through my journey to healing in all those areas, but for those of you who haven't been through it or who are currently going through it, I thought I'd explain, (as best I can because there really are no adequate words to describe it), how grief has and still does affect me in those 4 main areas.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><b>Emotionally</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Emotionally I was a wreck. I couldn't stop crying. I became terrified. Will I be this sad forever? Will I never be able to stop crying? How am I going to survive the rest of my life without Hailey? </span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">What if someone else I love dies? Will I ever stop feeling so lonely? One minute I was so sad I couldn't stop crying and the next I was furious. The anger raged in me. Then I would laugh at something. How dare I laugh? Did this mean I didn't love Hailey as much as I thought? The guilt would start to set in. I felt guilty for everything: laughing, crying, feeling angry, neglecting my other children, not being a better mom to Hailey while she was here...the list went on and on and on. The guilt was overwhelming. Along with this tornado of emotions, I also felt so vulnerable, like anything could rip me apart again. I was terrified to go out in public. What if someone was rude to me? Would I break down and start to cry in front of them? I felt sick and wounded, as if the whole world would know my heart was broken and in some ways I wanted the whole world to know. I lashed out at those around me, primarily my family and friends. I think I took it out on them the most because I trusted that they wouldn't leave me, although to be totally honest, I didn't even care sometimes if they did because all I really wanted was to be alone in my grief. I wanted to wallow in my own misery. I wanted to yell and scream and punch and kick. Nothing really mattered to me. Then hope. I would feel a sliver of hope, like maybe I would survive this and one day be "happy" again. A smile would form only to be quickly slapped off my face by another round of guilt and then the whole emotional roller coaster would begin again. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><b>Mentally</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Mentally I couldn't think. It felt like someone had wrapped my brain in a heavy wet towel and all my thoughts were being held in and smothered. I had trouble focusing on any subject, except my grief, for more than a minute or so. All I could think about was THAT day and my very depressing future. What could I have done differently and how was I seriously going to survive this? It was difficult for me to do even basic things such as pay bills, read a book, drive my car, cook dinner, do laundry, etc. My mind would get lost and I would come back unaware of where I began or what I was even doing. Anger would rise in my chest when someone would interrupt my thoughts of Hailey or ask me to think of anything but my grief. I had trouble engaging in a regular conversation or even thinking about the next 5 minutes. I couldn't plan anything, commit to anything, engage in anything, or really do anything. I felt so alone all the time, especially amongst a lot of people. I never once thought of ending my own life, but there were definitely times that I prayed and begged God to take me because I honestly didn't think I could bear one more moment of the torture I was feeling. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><b>Physically</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Physically I couldn't move. </span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">My eyes burned from crying. My arms literally ached. </span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">My heart throbbed and burned</span></span></span></span></span></span>. It felt so heavy in my chest. Sometimes I wondered if I was having a heart attack. </span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I often felt like I was gasping for air because I couldn't breathe. I was constantly nauseous and the thought of eating could cause me to dry heave. </span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">My stomach did constant somersaults.</span></span></span></span> </span></span>My whole body physically hurt. I felt heavy, as if someone had placed a backpack of bricks over my shoulder and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get it off. Even taking a shower would take every bit of energy I could possibly muster up. Sometimes it was hard to walk or even move, yet others I would just want to take off and run and never stop. I would want to scream my lungs out and physically punch and kick things. And the exhaustion...the sheer exhaustion from it all was indescribable. All I wanted to do was sleep, every minute of every day. It was all I could do to escape. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><b>Spiritually</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Spiritually I have to admit, I struggled the least. Although my faith has always stayed strong, and I think I was least affected in this area, I still had many questions and concerns. My mother is a woman of great faith and I learned a lot watching her as I grew up, so I was pretty strong in this area. I would always say that it's easy for anyone to say they have faith until it's truly tested...now it was my turn. My belief in the after life and God's plan for each of us kept me on a straight path. I knew that we would be together again one day for eternity, but I also didn't want to wait for that day...that alone seemed like an eternity. I also knew that Hailey was His daughter first before she was mine. I felt honored that He trusted ME, of all people, to be Hailey's mom. However, I also felt angry that He would send her to me to love so much and then turn around and take her back only 3 years later. I felt like that was so unfair. I think the major area I struggled in spiritually was my trust in God. I knew that He would always be there for me, but I was (and honestly, still am) terrified of what other trials He may have in store for me. I spent many hours praying, asking God questions, yelling at Him, crying to Him, and even begging Him to send her back. I would feel frustrated when people would assume I'd be okay because I had such strong faith and knew about God's plan for each of us. That didn't make it okay that my baby was gone. It would anger me when people would tell me she was in a better place. I know that she is, but that doesn't mean that as a mother I wouldn't selfishly rather her here with me. Overall though, I have to say that it was my faith and my religious beliefs that kept spirit lifted and well. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><b>Today</b></span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Well, I'll admit, that was some heavy deep stuff! Now again, let me assure you that I am far beyond most of those feelings now. I am well on my way to healing, but I would say all those things listed above lasted for at least the first year, some a little beyond, and some are still present in me today. Each time someone I know experiences death I revisit all the above for them. In many ways I carry their pain with me because I know the long road ahead for them. It is overwhelming for me to think about starting the road over again and I pray that I NEVER will again.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Emotionally, I'm much, much stronger now, although I still have my days here and there and I'm ALWAYS missing her. I still have days that I'm sad and I cry for her. But, I have to say I'm the most stable and happiest I've been since she died. I now know I can pretty much get through anything and I've learned how to make good out of the bad. I have my sense of humor back and still LOVE to laugh and have a good time.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Mentally, I still hate to have my thoughts interrupted, but with 3 other kids to take care of, that's normal. I do still fear everyday that another person I love is going to die, so I'm still working on that. But, I'm not constantly dwelling on the day Hailey died and all the details that surround it. (However, as mentioned above, I do still have times that I revisit it all) I'm able to focus on things and rationalize with myself when I'm starting to feel the slippery slope of grief creeping up on me. I've learned healthy ways to deal with what could be such a negative and anger filled trial in my life. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Physically, I'm feeling better than ever. Yes, I still love my naps, but they don't happen nearly as often and I don't NEED them anymore. I have much more energy and feel stronger and healthier than I've felt in 4 1/2 years. (No, I'm not going to start working out yet!) I definitely can feel the times when I'm actively grieving and need to sleep more than normal, but once I get through it I'm good again. And I no longer feel the weight of the world on my shoulders! I've learned how to relax much better.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Spiritually, I'm the strongest I've ever been. I love my Heavenly Father and have grown so much closer to Him. I've learned how to truly offer deep, heartfelt prayers. I've learned how to see His hand in everything and I know that no matter what comes my way He will be there by my side to carry me through it and bless me in ways I couldn't have imagined before, but I've also learned that I have to allow Him to do so. I've learned what it means to have Jesus Christ as my best friend and I've personally felt how He and only He knows exactly how I feel and what I'm going through. I have a testimony of the Plan of Salvation and why we're here and where we're going. I know Hailey still lives, not physically but spiritually and I have often felt her so closely I could almost reach out and touch her. I am grateful for eternal families and the fact that I am part of one. I know that I will be with Hailey one day forever.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">So, there's my update! I still miss my little girl more than words can describe. I still cry for her. I still ache for her. I always wonder what she would be like if she were still here. And I'll never stop wishing she'd come back. But through all that, I'm okay and I'll continue to be okay...and one day even better than okay!</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">(If you ever have any questions about my beliefs and/or church please never hesitate to ask me or visit <a href="http://mormon.org/">http://mormon.org/</a>. <i> (We're not as weird as some people think!! Ha Ha!)</i></span></span>wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-55576953367624354632014-05-12T20:50:00.001-07:002014-05-12T20:50:43.319-07:00Still On The Pathway<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">It's been quite a while since I last posted, so I wanted to check in and let you all know that I'm still actively on the pathway of grief. I'm haven't forgotten my sweet little angel for a split second. I find that I write most of my updates and experiences on Facebook instead of my blog now, but I'm going to work on attaching them here too.</span><div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Although I haven't written many long blog entries recently, this year has been very difficult so far. I've cried more that I have in a long time. I often feel like I'm back at year one again. I feel vulnerable, emotional, sad. I miss my little girl so much. I guess in some ways I already expected it because there are several milestones happening this year. For one, this year is the 5-year mark since Hailey died. There's just something about 5 years. It seems soooooo long, yet still so short in the scheme of life. Assuming I live a safe, healthy life, I could live to be in my 80's or 90's, which means I still have another 4o or 50 years here on this earth without my little girl. There is just something so wrong about that. So many moments missed out on. I feel that I've already missed out on so much of what should have been Hailey's life in the "short" 5 years she's been gone. I also hate the fact that I'll have to miss her for the that long too. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Also, in a couple months my little Joey will be the same age as Hailey was when she died and Ava will be almost the same age as Lexi was. This brings back tons of memories and emotions. As I watch Joey grow, I'm constantly reminded of all the things Hailey was doing at that age. Sometimes I forget how much of a little person she was! </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Lastly, in our church we baptize children when they turn 8 years old. This is what we believe to be the age of accountability. Prior to 8 years old, we believe that children are perfect and therefore do not need to be baptized. When children turn 8, they are responsible and accountable for their actions. (For more on this you can visit <a href="http://www.mormon.org/">Mormon.org</a>) Anyways, that's besides the point. The reason this is so difficult for me is because Hailey would have turned 8 this July. I'm watching all the little girls she would have grown up with getting so excited for their baptisms. They're sending out invitations and buying pretty white dresses, etc. Although I know that Hailey died perfect, it still hurts as a mom to miss out on that special rite of passage. Every baptism I go to tugs at my heartstrings and really hurts.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Along with all the above, to be truly honest, I'm just tired. Tired of missing my little girl every single minute of every single day for the past 5 years. Tired of knowing I have so many more years ahead to continually miss her. Tired of having to go to the cemetery to visit her. Tired of wondering what she would look like or how she would get along with her siblings. Tired of having to tell people I have 4 kids, not 3. Tired of the lingering sadness that is always in my heart. Tired of spending holidays and birthdays without her. Tired of watching my children miss their sister. Tired of family pictures with only a photo to represent her. Tired of watching all her little friends growing up without her. Tired of the roller coaster of emotions I constantly experience. Tired of wishing I could cry, but can't. Tired of feeling the constant sting of death. Tired of trying to convince myself that I'm so strong. Tired of the sheer weight of grief on my shoulders. Tired of looking like all is good on the outside, when it's not on the inside. Tired of the constant crippling fear of losing another I love to death. Tired of the helplessness and sheer pain I feel for others grieving. Tired of not being able to fix it for them. Just plain tired.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Today, my sweet little 5 year old, Ava, was watching a movie on her iPad in her room. All of a sudden she came walking into my room literally sobbing hysterically. I couldn't figure out what happened and she couldn't even talk between sobs to tell me. I asked her if she was ok and she just melted into my arms and cried harder. After about 5 minutes she finally told me that she was watching Charlotte's Web 2 (Didn't know there was one!) and I guess it began where the original Charlotte's Web left off...with Charlotte the spider dying after giving birth to a billion eggs. Anyways, between sobs Ava said, "<i>Mommy, I didn't know the mommy spider died. She died and left her babies. I didn't know that. It reminded me of how Hailey died and left us all. I miss her so much, Mommy. I just want her to come back. I am so, so sad.</i>" Try holding it together through that. I continued to hug her tighter and kept telling her how sorry I was. What does a mom even say to that? (Ava was only 9 months old when Hailey died, but is so attached to her. She sleeps with a stuffed horse Hailey had and she has pictures of Hailey all over her room and talks about her non-stop.) She cried for about 15 minutes straight. I literally would have given my own life at that moment to have Hailey walk through the door and hug her sister. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I believe death is a beautiful thing... on the other side. But for those of us left behind there really isn't much beauty to find in it. Yes, there are little miracles here and there, blessings from God if you believe. I have had many in the last 5 years, but still nothing even close to making it all better or worthwhile. It just is what it is and it becomes something you just have to get used to living with. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Joey giving Ava a hug as she holds Hailey's horse and cries for her.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Ava has this picture in her room of Hailey opening up the horse she now sleeps with on her 2nd birthday.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">(Thank you Bloom family!)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Ava also has this picture in her room of Hailey pushing her in the swing.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">And I have to share this too! Ava had this frame with a picture of Hailey in it since she passed away. A couple weeks ago Joey stepped on it and broke it. Ava was devastated, to say the least. My mom ended up getting her a new frame, but Ava wanted the little ladybugs on it, so she took matters into her own hands and made some new ones!!! I seriously love her!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I couldn't get the picture to rotate, so the broken frame is on the bottom and Ava's masterpiece is on the top!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">P.S. I just realized how much I missing posting here! I have a lot to catch up on. Please, stay tuned...</span></div>
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wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-46186609748331555282014-01-05T19:49:00.002-08:002014-01-05T20:14:07.961-08:00Yet Another Christmas<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Yet another Christmas has come and gone without my sweet Hailey here. I'm not sure why, but this year was harder than the last two. (My first was by far the worst ever.) But for some reason, I really missed her, an extra lot, this year. I've gotten pretty used to daily life without her, although she's always on my mind, but I'm not sure I'll ever get used to the roller coaster of emotions that I'm continually on (and will probably be on for the rest of my life on this Earth.) It's just so weird how some days, weeks, and months go smoothly and relatively unemotional and then all of a sudden it all comes back again. I would have thought that after 4 1/2 years it would all seem "normal," but it still doesn't.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I hate to admit that in some ways it gets harder. More and more new people enter my life that don't know about Hailey, which means I have to continually decide whether or not to inform them that I really have 4 children or to just let them continue assuming I only have 3. It usually depends on the person and situation. I also am continually seeing other children who are the age she would be now (7 1/2) growing and learning and maturing, while she's not. I'm always wondering what she would be like and how she would interact with us and her siblings. I miss her. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Although I have a lot of faith and know that this was her plan and her time to go, it's still really hard. I feel cheated in some ways. I put so much hard work and time and effort and love into raising my sweet little girl...everything I had...only to have her leave me. And yes, I know spiritually she's here, blah, blah, but that doesn't mean I don't still miss her and selfishly want her here physically. I want to hug her and kiss her, hear her laugh, cry, sing, and yell, see her smiling face, watch her light up with excitement on her birthday and Christmas morning, see her interacting with her sisters and brothers. I HATE that I don't get to experience any of those things with her. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">This Christmas was especially hard, I think, because I have some close friends who are still newly grieving and I feel their pain and sadness. The holidays are a beautiful time of year, but for those of us grieving or celebrating without a loved one they can also be very ugly. I used to always send out a Christmas card, every year, but I haven't since Hailey died. And as much as I love getting cards from all my family and friends, I hate to admit that I do feel a little sting seeing such beautiful "complete" family pictures, knowing that I will never have that. (Please though, keep sending me your cards!!! I still want them!!!)</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Sometimes I wish I could actively grieve outwardly and cry in front of others so they could see how much pain I still feel, yet in many ways I'm also grateful that I grieve better in solitude. My sadness and pain often manifests itself in other ways, such as moodiness, impatience, being distracted, and sheer exhaustion. So when you see me acting those ways, know it's not about you...I'm just missing my little girl and don't want to cry in front of you.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">On a positive note, I'm also so grateful that I love to laugh and still do even after 4 1/2 looooong years of grieving with many, many more to go. There are three things that have gotten me through this trial: My faith, the support of my family, friends, and strangers, and laughter! </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Anyways, I just felt the need to get a little venting out since I didn't have much time to write during this holiday season. So there it is. I still have so much to be grateful for and for that I'm even grateful! </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;"><i>This was the picture we put on the last Christmas card I sent before Hailey died. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;"><i>(Joey isn't in any of these because he wasn't born yet, which is why I'll never have a complete family photo.)</i></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWPzazY4C_iZ8A2kTdTzSFrk7LVAPGZN0TWxHC78sWwgIIJGAqPxXJ8JLUIwhQCIKC5utSKZn9-d-fVJwfb_kCiv2ONBqKbNdPtj29wb5BlTE6VswmJ2X61Pmwnl4U0LQYmzh7zIlPrsA/s1600/IMG_3747.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWPzazY4C_iZ8A2kTdTzSFrk7LVAPGZN0TWxHC78sWwgIIJGAqPxXJ8JLUIwhQCIKC5utSKZn9-d-fVJwfb_kCiv2ONBqKbNdPtj29wb5BlTE6VswmJ2X61Pmwnl4U0LQYmzh7zIlPrsA/s1600/IMG_3747.JPG" height="266" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;"><i>It
was so frustrating to try to get a good pic with everyone looking at the
same time, so we ended up just all shutting our eyes! (Of course, Barbie's eyes are still open, so I still didn't win!! HaHa)</i></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i> </i><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><i> </i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><i>My 3 beautiful girls.</i></span></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Hailey was so excited to sit on Santa's lap!</span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">All my other kids were terrified at that age. She was always so brave. </span> </i></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Hailey's new Dora p.j.'s!</span></i></span> </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik3KK6YP0vGaAixpEzWnyfPn_V3z1qgxsaRz7qvsaFtIxyt33x40Z86LMelybALQURWxKO81JXQ19G4HB15to5RmndlHthxvsq8x1Y-fHjTWMFjfw-bPM2wSkn6k49xUYAVRqRxWfE7cQ/s1600/IMG_3955.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik3KK6YP0vGaAixpEzWnyfPn_V3z1qgxsaRz7qvsaFtIxyt33x40Z86LMelybALQURWxKO81JXQ19G4HB15to5RmndlHthxvsq8x1Y-fHjTWMFjfw-bPM2wSkn6k49xUYAVRqRxWfE7cQ/s1600/IMG_3955.jpg" height="400" width="266" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">And her new "big girl" potty!</span></i></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">(Kinda looks like she's actually going!) HA HA </span> </i></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /><i>And of course, lot of LAY's Potato Chips!!!</i></span></span></div>
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wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-60525370301409879692013-11-21T12:42:00.002-08:002013-11-21T12:42:51.605-08:00Great Article On Grief!!!<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I've read more articles on grief than I can count. I find most to be somewhat harsh and/or depressing, which is exactly what grief is. But today I came across this article that I feel is one of the best I've read. It's perfect for those of us grieving, as well as those of us who are watching a loved one grieve. It's not very long and I found it to be very honest, yet positive. Check it out. It's definitely worth your 5 minutes.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<a href="http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865588901/Sorrow-and-strength-Families-learn-what-it-takes-to-hold-tight-and-let-go.html?pg=all"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Navigating The Difficult Path Of Grief</span></a>wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-31483407470272270182013-11-19T22:13:00.001-08:002013-11-19T22:13:09.021-08:00Article On The Death Of A Child<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">A friend of mine posted the link to this article on her Facebook page. The author doesn't hold back! She really says it how it is! I have to say if you read this article that much of it does apply to me, however I have felt very loved and supported throughout my grieving process. Thank you all for continuing to be there for my family and me with your phone calls, notes, texts, Facebook posts and likes, etc, etc. I truly have great people in my life, unfortunately I know many who aren't so lucky.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Click on the title to be directed to the article:</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="http://www.mamamia.com.au/parenting/ten-points-i-wish-every-person-knew-about-the-death-of-a-child/">10 Points I Wish Everyone Knew About The Death Of A Child</a></span></span>wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-54893167664862947562013-11-14T21:30:00.002-08:002013-11-14T21:38:41.212-08:00Still Here<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Yes, I'm still here, although it's been quite a while. I don't know why tonight I felt so compelled to write, but in a lot of ways I really miss writing. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">All week I've been feeling on edge, frustrated, impatient, angry, and the list goes on. I couldn't really figure out what my problem was until I was driving in the car tonight listening to my ipod and one of the songs a friend of mine sang at Hailey's funeral came on. (My Heart Sang A Lullaby, by Janice Kapp Perry...only she changed the name in the song and some of the other little details to fit Hailey.) </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">As I felt the emotion well up in my chest and stomach, my mind was screaming for me to shut it off but in the end my heart won and I listened as tears started silently streaming down my cheeks. Luckily it was dark and I only had Ava and Joey with me so they were sitting in the back seat watching a movie, totally oblivious to the sadness that was quickly engulfing me at that moment. I wanted nothing more than to pull over and sob and just let all those feelings pour out, but I couldn't. I had to pull myself together before Lexi got in the car so she wouldn't see me like that. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I did all I could to fake feeling normal the whole way home telling myself that as soon as the kids got in bed I could be alone with my feelings and cry for my little baby girl who I miss so much. Of course, when we got home all the kids were still hungry, then Joey needed a book, Ava needed me to lay with her, Lexi needed me to help her with her homework, and on and on. (Sean is out of town.) I felt so guilty and selfish trying to rush them through everything so I could be alone and finally just cry. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">It's so frustrating to
still be dealing with grief after 4 1/2 years. I definitely have many more good days now than bad and I'm great at hiding the pain through smiles and laughter, but without fail one of those awful days (or weeks) will come out of nowhere and blindside me. I guess it's just a life long, never ending journey that I have no choice but to continue walking.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Luckily most of the people in my life are still very supportive after all this time. When I'm having those rough days and I call them looking for some love and compassion they're always quick to give it to me. There are no words to express my gratitude for them because otherwise during weeks like this I'm not sure how I'd survive. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I'm very religious and have a lot of faith, but even so, I still hurt. I still miss my little girl EVERY single day. I still want her back. I still get sad and angry. My faith gives me hope and does a lot to alleviate those feelings, but it doesn't take them away. Honestly, I'm just ready for Hailey to come back. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">So when the kids were in bed I shut my door and cried. I cried for Hailey. I cried for a friend of mine who lost her little boy in a sledding accident. I cried for another friend who lost her baby girl waiting for a liver transplant. I cried for a friend who lost her father and another who lost her mother. I cried for a friend who just recently lost her son in a car accident. I cried for another friend who also recently lost her husband in a car accident. I cried for a friend who lost her fiance to cancer. I cried for every person I could think of that I know, have met, or have just heard about that has lost a loved one to death. I just cried and cried and...cried.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I guess since this doesn't happen as often now I need to get it all out once its built up. And I did.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I miss you Hailey. I miss you so much.</span><br />
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Nnesgqdf20"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Life Ain't Always Beautiful</span></a><br />
<i>(This song makes me cry every time I hear it. It reminds me of my journey through grief. Click on the title to listen.)</i><br />
<br />wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-59570131105536899572013-05-20T22:05:00.000-07:002013-05-20T22:07:21.661-07:00A New Day...A New Resolution<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Well, today has been much better than yesterday! <span style="font-size: large;">I went to bed last night an emotional wreck and woke up feeling <span style="font-size: large;">uplifted and <span style="font-size: large;">peaceful.</span> I realized t<span style="font-size: large;">hat those videos I wa<span style="font-size: large;">tched of<span style="font-size: large;"> Hailey changed <span style="font-size: large;">something inside of me. <span style="font-size: large;">Seeing her<span style="font-size: large;"> smiling face, hearing her giggles<span style="font-size: large;">, and watchi<span style="font-size: large;">ng her dance made me realize how <span style="font-size: large;">important it is to enjoy life...even in the <span style="font-size: large;">down times, as Hailey a<span style="font-size: large;">lways did. Th<span style="font-size: large;">at little <span style="font-size: large;">girl never complained about<span style="font-size: large;"> her <span style="font-size: large;">physical struggles. She never let them hold her back for one second. She<span style="font-size: large;"> <span style="font-size: large;">held herself to the same standa<span style="font-size: large;">rd that any other child her age met. <span style="font-size: large;">My little Hailey is truly an in<span style="font-size: large;">spiration.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">By nature, I<span style="font-size: large;"> can be a little </span>uptight. (<span style="font-size: large;">Don't forget f<span style="font-size: large;">amil<span style="font-size: large;">y and friends,</span></span> I <span style="font-size: large;">moderate your <span style="font-size: large;">comments!)</span></span></span> But in all serious<span style="font-size: large;">ness, </span>I<span style="font-size: large;"> am well aware of this and <span style="font-size: large;">really do have to remind my<span style="font-size: large;">self to</span> mellow out at times<span style="font-size: large;">. <span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"> I like <span style="font-size: large;">things in my life neat and clean<span style="font-size: large;">, organized, scheduled, non-chaotic, <span style="font-size: large;">etc. Basi<span style="font-size: large;">cally, I like to feel in control<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">...<span style="font-size: large;">of my life, not<span style="font-size: large;"> necess<span style="font-size: large;">arily </span></span>other<span style="font-size: large;">s.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> This need for "control" became much worse after Hailey passed away because losing her made me feel so out of control, even though I knew there was absolutely nothing I could have done differently. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Anyways, today is Monday and in my need to keep my life under "control" I usually spend my Monday mornings cleaning the house after having everyone home all weekend, but today felt different. The weather was beautiful. All I could think about was seeing Hailey on those videos and it made me crave to do something fun with my kids so I could watch them enjoying life as Hailey did. So I decided to ditch my daily cleaning ritual (And those of you who know me well know that's huge for me!) and take them to Irvine Park. If you don't live locally, Irvine Park is a beautiful 500 acre park about 20 minutes from my house. It has a little zoo, train ride, lake, paddle boats, bikes, horse rides, hiking trails, tons of trees and nature, etc. I remember taking Lexi, Hailey, and Ava there about a month before she passed away. (See below for pictures)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Ava and Joey were so excited and we seriously had the best time! All the animals were out and active and for the first time in a long time I was completely relaxed and at peace with my surroundings. After the zoo we went on the little train ride and then sat outside and ate lunch. It couldn't have been a better morning. (Way better than cleaning.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">Later that <span style="font-size: large;">afternoon I picked Lexi up from school and had a couple of the neigh<span style="font-size: large;">bor girls over to play<span style="font-size: large;">, another thing that often stresses me out. (Not the neighbor girls...just extra kids in general!) But <span style="font-size: large;">today, su<span style="font-size: large;">rprisingly enough, it didn't at all. I tho<span style="font-size: large;">roughly enjoyed <span style="font-size: large;">hearing <span style="font-size: large;">Lexi and A<span style="font-size: large;">va in their room<span style="font-size: large;">s laughing a<span style="font-size: large;">nd chatting with their two little <span style="font-size: large;">friends. And during that time, I hung out with Joey and we watch<span style="font-size: large;">ed funny animal video<span style="font-size: large;">s on my computer. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">When Sean got hom<span style="font-size: large;">e I decided I didn't <span style="font-size: large;">feel l<span style="font-size: large;">ike making dinner either. So we ended up going out to a little Hawa<span style="font-size: large;">iian resta<span style="font-size: large;">urant nearby. <span style="font-size: large;">The <span style="font-size: large;">night was gorgeous so we <span style="font-size: large;">ate</span> outside. <span style="font-size: large;">They have those little water spou<span style="font-size: large;">ts all over w<span style="font-size: large;">here the kids can r<span style="font-size: large;">un in and get wet. Being me, <span style="font-size: large;">I originally told them not to get all wet becau<span style="font-size: large;">se it was getting late and I didn't have any change<span style="font-size: large;">s of clot<span style="font-size: large;">hes. But of course, <span style="font-size: large;">being kids, they were like flies on crap <span style="font-size: large;">whe<span style="font-size: large;">n it <span style="font-size: large;">ca<span style="font-size: large;">me to the water. Once again, I thought of Hailey and how if I knew this would be one of my other kids last day here what memory wou<span style="font-size: large;">ld I w<span style="font-size: large;">ant to have<span style="font-size: large;">? So <span style="font-size: large;">I took a deep breath and <span style="font-size: large;">let them go at it. It may sound lame to some of you laid back relaxed folks, but it was <span style="font-size: large;">a big st<span style="font-size: large;">ep for me<span style="font-size: large;">! <span style="font-size: large;">And <span style="font-size: large;">not only did the kid<span style="font-size: large;">s get soaked, but they loved e<span style="font-size: large;">very minute of it. I couldn't help but si<span style="font-size: large;">t there <span style="font-size: large;">feeling a heart f<span style="font-size: large;">ull of love and gratitude as I <span style="font-size: large;">listen<span style="font-size: large;">ed to them the giggle and squeal. After dinner I ran home, grabbed <span style="font-size: large;">towels and pajamas, came back dried them off<span style="font-size: large;">, dressed them and <span style="font-size: large;">counted that <span style="font-size: large;">as <span style="font-size: large;">their bat<span style="font-size: large;">h<span style="font-size: large;">.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">After the kids were in bed, I came in my room, got down on my <span style="font-size: large;">knees and thanked God for the wonderful <span style="font-size: large;">lesson I learned yesterday through watchi<span style="font-size: large;">ng my little <span style="font-size: large;">angel<span style="font-size: large;">, Hailey</span>. <span style="font-size: large;">Even though she is no longer physically <span style="font-size: large;">here,<span style="font-size: large;"> her spirit is <span style="font-size: large;">ever so strong and continues to <span style="font-size: large;">teach me <span style="font-size: large;">all the time. I feel like I owe it to her to make sure her siblings and her pare<span style="font-size: large;">nts li<span style="font-size: large;">ve a h<span style="font-size: large;">appy<span style="font-size: large;"> life f<span style="font-size: large;">ull o<span style="font-size: large;">f love an<span style="font-size: large;">d grat<span style="font-size: large;">itude. <span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"> When my time <span style="font-size: large;">comes to leave this <span style="font-size: large;">world I don't want my kids to say that <span style="font-size: large;">their mom had the cleanes<span style="font-size: large;">t<span style="font-size: large;">, most organized ho<span style="font-size: large;">use and car, and t<span style="font-size: large;">hat <span style="font-size: large;">they a<span style="font-size: large;">lways went to bed on time<span style="font-size: large;">, and thing<span style="font-size: large;">s were always under control<span style="font-size: large;">, etc. I want them to say they had <span style="font-size: large;">so much fun with their mom and th<span style="font-size: large;">at they made great memories and s<span style="font-size: large;">t<span style="font-size: large;">ayed up extra late and ha<span style="font-size: large;">d friends over to play and got <span style="font-size: large;">dirty and laughed and danced and <span style="font-size: large;">so on.</span> So, </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">as <span style="font-size: large;">of today, I have <span style="font-size: large;">mad<span style="font-size: large;">e that my rest of the year resolut<span style="font-size: large;">ion.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> And please, hold me to it. Ask me anytime if I'm continuing to do so because I'm sure I'm still going to need some reminding. ;) </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Some<span style="font-size: large;"> p<span style="font-size: large;">ictures of Hailey at Irvine Park:</span></span></i></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Some<span style="font-size: large;"> pictures from t<span style="font-size: large;">oday:</span></span></i></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Ava had to "brush a lot of goats."</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Playing in the water at dinner</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">How could I not smile at this!</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></i></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-179218155647762702013-05-19T21:22:00.000-07:002013-05-19T21:31:47.863-07:00It's Been A While<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Wow! I think this is the longest I've gone without writing a post. It's been about 5 months. Of course this has nothing to do with me forgetting about Hailey or not grieving her loss anymore, as a matter of fact, I've actually been feeling her loss quite a bit more lately. For some reason I've felt much more vulnerable in the past couple of months. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I think the main reason I haven't posted in a while is because nothing really "new" has happened. I've been through all the "firsts," "seconds," and now "thirds," without her. And honestly, it doesn't really get any better. Maybe a little more "normal," but still not better. I guess it will never get better. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">For those of you who are around me often, you know that I still talk about Hailey all the time. Even after almost 4 years she is still, and always will be, an active part of our family. I will NEVER stop talking about her or thinking about her. She is actually on my mind just as often, if not sometimes more so, than my children who are still living here with me. I think about her day and night...every day and every night. I think about her every time I'm with my other kids and feel that empty spot where she should be. I think about her when I'm alone and often talk to her and tell her how much I miss her. I think about her when I get up in the morning, when I go to bed at night, when I take and pick my kids up from school, when I drive by the entrance to the cemetery and don't have a chance to stop in (although I do still visit her several times a week.). I basically think of her all the time. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Right now as I type this I will admit that I have tears streaming down my face because I miss her so much. Sean updated her website (I'll add the link when it's officially finished!) and I was looking it over for him. As I came to the section titled, Hailey Mayz Video Library, I clicked on the slide show of her life. My heart raced and my stomach turned because I knew I was already feeling a little weak, but I watched anyways. Well, it didn't take long for the tears to start trickling down my cheeks. As I watched the pictures it eventually came to a bunch of different ones that I took about a month before she passed away. All I could think of as I looked at her smiling face, and the smiling faces of those in the photos with her, was that in those moments I had no idea I only had a month left with my little girl. Lesson to be learned: We truly never know when our loved ones may be taken from us. Please, take it from me, who's been there...tell those you love how much they mean to you and how much you love them. I am so grateful I have no regrets with Hailey. That was one of the greatest gifts God gave me throughout this entire trial.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">The first song in the video is called, In My Daughter's Eyes, by Martina McBride. As I listened to the lyrics and watched the pictures I have to say that I haven't found a better song yet to describe what Hailey means to me. Here are the lyrics if you've never heard it:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i><span class="line line-s" id="line_1">In my daughter's eyes I am a hero</span> </i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i><span class="line line-s" id="line_2">I am strong and wise and I know no fear</span> </i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i><span class="line line-s" id="line_3">But the truth is plain to see</span> </i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i><span class="line line-s" id="line_4">She was sent to rescue me</span> </i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i><span class="line line-s" id="line_5">I see who I wanna be in my daughter's eyes</span> </i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i><br /><span class="line line-s" id="line_6">In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal</span> </i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i><span class="line line-s" id="line_7">Darkness turns to light and the world is at peace</span> </i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i><span class="line line-s" id="line_8">It's a miracle God gave to me</span> </i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i><span class="line line-s" id="line_9">Gives me strength when I am weak</span> </i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i><span class="line line-s" id="line_10">I find reason to believe in my daughter's eyes</span> </i></span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i>Chorus:<br /><span class="line line-s" id="line_11">And when she wraps her hand around my finger</span> </i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i><span class="line line-s" id="line_12">Oh, it puts a smile in my heart</span> </i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i><span class="line line-s" id="line_13">Everything becomes a little clearer</span> </i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i><span class="line line-s" id="line_14">I realize what life is all about</span> </i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i><br /><span class="line line-s" id="line_15">It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough</span> </i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i><span class="line line-s hover" id="line_16">It's giving more when you feel like giving up</span> </i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i><span class="line line-s hover" id="line_17">I've seen the light</span> </i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i><span class="line line-s hover" id="line_18">It's in my daughter's eyes</span> </i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i><br /><span class="line line-s hover" id="line_19">In my daughter's eyes I can see the future</span></i></span></span><br />
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<span class="line line-s" id="line_20">A reflection of who I am and what will be</span> </i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i><span class="line line-s" id="line_21">An' though she'll grow and someday leave, maybe raise a family</span> </i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><i><span class="line line-s" id="line_22">When I'm gone I hope you see how happy she made me</span> </i></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/Lyric"><span class="line line-s" id="line_23"><i>For I'll be there in my daughter's eyes</i></span></span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I guess the last couple sentences could be changed to "When <i>she's</i> gone I hope you see how happy she made me. For <i>she'll</i> be there in <i>her mother's</i> eyes."</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">After the slide show, unbeknownst to me, it went right into a bunch of videos of Hailey. I tried watching one 20 second video about two years ago and broke down horribly as soon as I heard her voice, so I haven't watched another since then. But this time, as soon as I saw her moving around and heard her little voice I was like a deer in headlights. I knew it was going to be heart wrenching for me to watch those videos right then, but I was frozen and literally couldn't turn away. There was one where I was videoing Hailey and Lexi dancing around in front of the Christmas tree and when I was ending the video Hailey said, "Bye Mommy." At this point I was bawling my eyes out. I'll be honest and say I haven't cried that hard in a long time. I wanted so badly to jump into those videos and snatch her up in my arms and NEVER let her go...NEVER let that time slip by again. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I think deep down inside I've built this huge wall around those emotions because they truly are almost too painful to think about. I hate them. I hardly ever think about the day she died or even the first year afterwards (which I probably shouldn't do anyways). Instead, I talk about Hailey when she was alive and her funny antics. I'm always telling my kids stories about her and about how she's still around us now. In some weird way it makes me feel like she's still physically alive. Watching those videos kind of reiterated to me that she's not. I'll admit that I am now very emotional and vulnerable, which I hate, but in some strange way it feels good to let some of that built up pain out.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">On a more positive note, I am so grateful to have those videos so I can see her dancing, smiling, and giggling, and I can hear her little voice (which at times didn't seem so little!). She seriously sounds EXACTLY like Joey! I'm also grateful that I can one day, when I feel strong enough, show them to Ava so she can see her little sister as she truly was, not only as I remember her to be. Ava LOVES Hailey and talks about her ALL the time, so I'm really interested to see her reaction to seeing Hailey dancing around and actually hearing her voice.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I've missed blogging, but as I mentioned above, I haven't had a lot of new experiences to really write about, so I've been toying with the idea of writing Hailey's life story...from birth to death and in between. I've avoided it until now because I've been afraid of what emotions it will bring up, however I guess this is as good a time as any. Her story is definitely an interesting tale of ups and downs, heartaches and joys, trials and blessings, frustration and laughter, and the list goes on and on. As I've thought about my blog and what else I have left to write, I realized that those of you who have never actually met Hailey don't really "know" her. So keep an eye out for when I finally get that started!!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Also, if you have any personal memories of Hailey, PLEASE, email me either at the address above or my personal email, if you have it. Many of you out there have memories of Hailey and things she did or said that I don't even know about! I would LOVE to eventually do a blog entry sharing those stories as well. (If you'd like me to keep your name anonymous, just specify that too and I will!)</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">For now, thank you all again for your continued love and support, even after almost 4 years. I couldn't be any more blessed with the amazing people I have in my life...both those I know personally and those I only know through the internet. You have made my journey that much easier.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-46731938451433155212012-12-18T20:44:00.001-08:002012-12-18T20:57:54.505-08:00Leaving a Legacy<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Last week Sean and I went to a memorial service, called the Angel of Hope Ceremony, at the cemetery where Hailey is buried. It is held every December 6th, rain or shine, in honor of those children who have passed away. Honestly though, I almost didn't go this year because the last couple years I went I cried my eyes out and left feeling very sad...mainly because of the depressing songs and music they play. But, in the end I decided to go so I could represent Hailey and stand at her place which I decorated so cute for Christmas.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">As I stood there next to Sean listening to the speaker tell his story, I couldn't help but think about what I would say if I ever had the chance to speak.<span style="font-size: large;"> <span style="font-size: large;">Of course, i<span style="font-size: large;">t<span style="font-size: large;">'s <span style="font-size: large;">primar<span style="font-size: large;">ily my religious beliefs and faith that has <span style="font-size: large;">pulled me through this immens<span style="font-size: large;">e trial, but when speaking at a public even<span style="font-size: large;">t such as this it's<span style="font-size: large;"> usually not <span style="font-size: large;">"politically correct" to discuss religio<span style="font-size: large;">n<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">. So then, what else <span style="font-size: large;">wou<span style="font-size: large;">ld I say?</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">As I though<span style="font-size: large;">t about it<span style="font-size: large;">, I <span style="font-size: large;">re<span style="font-size: large;">alized that along wi<span style="font-size: large;">th my <span style="font-size: large;">religious beliefs another thing that has so greatly helped me wi<span style="font-size: large;">t<span style="font-size: large;">h my gri<span style="font-size: large;">ef is focusing on Hailey's life and le<span style="font-size: large;">aving her a beautiful l<span style="font-size: large;">egacy. <span style="font-size: large;">So, off I went with that thought. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">I decided that if I ever got to speak I would tell the families <span style="font-size: large;">who have lost a ch<span style="font-size: large;">ild, especially one so young as to have not had t<span style="font-size: large;">he time to create their own <span style="font-size: large;">legacy,</span></span> that they should focus on a me<span style="font-size: large;">mory or memento that they could<span style="font-size: large;"> bring to the world in their loved one's <span style="font-size: large;">honor. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">I<span style="font-size: large;">t is</span> so import<span style="font-size: large;">ant to grie<span style="font-size: large;">ve, but <span style="font-size: large;">even mor<span style="font-size: large;">e imp<span style="font-size: large;">ortant not to</span></span></span> get lost in that grief and allow it to <span style="font-size: large;">consume our lives. <span style="font-size: large;">Our children <span style="font-size: large;">did not die in order to "ruin" our lives, instead they lived in order to enhance and better o<span style="font-size: large;">ur<span style="font-size: large;"> live<span style="font-size: large;">s.<span style="font-size: large;"> <span style="font-size: large;">T<span style="font-size: large;">hey would be devastated if they saw us and knew that it was because of their deat<span style="font-size: large;">h that our lives have also essentially ended. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">Therefore,<span style="font-size: large;"> <span style="font-size: large;">I feel it<span style="font-size: large;">'s so impor<span style="font-size: large;">tant to use our grief in a positive way...honoring our child<span style="font-size: large;">(ren). <span style="font-size: large;">The legacy <span style="font-size: large;">you <span style="font-size: large;">create for your ch<span style="font-size: large;">ild does n<span style="font-size: large;">ot have to be a huge thing<span style="font-size: large;">, such as a foundation, c<span style="font-size: large;">linic, monu<span style="font-size: large;">ment, etc. It can be as simple as a dime<span style="font-size: large;">. Almost eve<span style="font-size: large;">ryone I know, <span style="font-size: large;">or who knows of Hailey<span style="font-size: large;">, will al<span style="font-size: large;">ways think of her and smile when<span style="font-size: large;">eve<span style="font-size: large;">r they see a <span style="font-size: large;">dime. That was my first sign after Hailey passed away and has been an integral part of <span style="font-size: large;">my life <span style="font-size: large;">ever sin<span style="font-size: large;">ce. I have shared that <span style="font-size: large;">sign with the world<span style="font-size: large;"> and <span style="font-size: large;">now I often get emails, text<span style="font-size: large;">s, notes, call<span style="font-size: large;">s, etc<span style="font-size: large;">. from pe<span style="font-size: large;">ople saying they saw a dime <span style="font-size: large;">that day </span>and thought<span style="font-size: large;"> of Hailey! I LOVE that!! I <span style="font-size: large;">LOVE <span style="font-size: large;">that something so incredibly simple as a dime<span style="font-size: large;"> </span>can <span style="font-size: large;">remind people of something so deeply pro<span style="font-size: large;">found as my daughter and the <span style="font-size: large;">"beau'ful," "am<span style="font-size: large;">ay<span style="font-size: large;">zing," <span style="font-size: large;">life she lived<span style="font-size: large;">!!!</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">So please, if you read my blog and have lost a ch<span style="font-size: large;">ild (or any loved one) I encourage you to find that <span style="font-size: large;">sign or legacy<span style="font-size: large;">, whe<span style="font-size: large;">ther big or small, and create it <span style="font-size: large;">into something that represents the bea<span style="font-size: large;">utif<span style="font-size: large;">u<span style="font-size: large;">l li<span style="font-size: large;">fe that your l<span style="font-size: large;">oved one live<span style="font-size: large;">d. Then tell everyone! Make their life matter! Sp<span style="font-size: large;">read <span style="font-size: large;">the news every<span style="font-size: large;">where, so that <span style="font-size: large;">they will be remembered daily<span style="font-size: large;">.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">I hope and pray that the families who lost children <span style="font-size: large;">(and adults) in the tragedy in Conn<span style="font-size: large;">ecticut last week will also do the same. I hope an<span style="font-size: large;">d p<span style="font-size: large;">ray that they will not take one mo<span style="font-size: large;">ment away from the <span style="font-size: large;">memor<span style="font-size: large;">ies of their beautiful children and </span></span></span>give it <span style="font-size: large;">to </span>th<span style="font-size: large;">at e<span style="font-size: large;">vil man<span style="font-size: large;">. <span style="font-size: large;">Every moment wasted in anger<span style="font-size: large;">, rage, <span style="font-size: large;">or fear is one<span style="font-size: large;"> taken away from<span style="font-size: large;"> their precious child's <span style="font-size: large;">legacy. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">I</span> will acknowledge that I know it's pro<span style="font-size: large;">ba<span style="font-size: large;">bly a lot easier for me to say that since my <span style="font-size: large;">da<span style="font-size: large;">ughter died peacefully in her sleep and not at the hand<span style="font-size: large;">s of such viol<span style="font-size: large;">ence, but I will also say that I know what grief is<span style="font-size: large;">. I know</span> how it can either make <span style="font-size: large;">us BITTER or BETTER. For our l<span style="font-size: large;">oved one<span style="font-size: large;">s who are no longer here to speak for themselves,<span style="font-size: large;"> please, in t<span style="font-size: large;">heir <span style="font-size: large;">honor,</span></span> allow the<span style="font-size: large;">ir <span style="font-size: large;">precious lives to make you BETTER<span style="font-size: large;">...t<span style="font-size: large;">hey<span style="font-size: large;"> would want nothing <span style="font-size: large;">more.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>If you click on the links below you'll be able to read a couple of my original blog entries about how dimes came about in Hailey's memory. (You may need to click on the pictures to see them bigger!) I also have many other stories about Hailey's dimes (and Lay's trucks - our other sign!) that you can find throughout my blog.</i></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://haileyshalo.blogspot.com/2009/09/sign-of-dimes.html">Our First Dime!</a> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=6373384818525545940#editor/target=post;postID=6231592314202012759">Another Dime Story!</a></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-28513277037191020582012-11-04T16:48:00.003-08:002012-11-06T13:49:39.224-08:00Ava and Hailey<div class="MsoNormal">
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--</style><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Hailey died when Ava was only 9 months old, so <span style="font-size: large;">A<span style="font-size: large;">va</span></span> was left
with no tangible memories of her big sister. We have, however, kept Hailey very alive in our family. We talk about her all the time. We visit “Hailey’s Place” (the
cemetery) several times a week, often decorating her stone and having
picnics there. We have photos of
her all over our house. But even
with all these things I’ve always feared that since Ava was so young when
Hailey passed away she would never really “know” or “care” about her big
sister.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Well, I couldn’t have been more wrong. One day, about a year ago, Ava was sick
so I was lying on the couch with her.
It was quiet and out of the blue she said, “Me see Hailey.” I assumed she was talking about the
huge picture we had of her at the top of our first set of stairs so I casually
responded, “I know, I see her beautiful picture too.” Ava then said, “No, not her picture. Her, Hailey.” At this point my heart started racing as I began scanning
the room for some ghostlike figure of Hailey standing in the corner. (As much as I would LOVE to see her
again, I will admit that would totally freak me out!) Anyways, I asked her where she sees Hailey and she said, “At
nigh-night time. She comes and
reads me books.” My heart racing
suddenly came to a complete halt and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Ava wasn’t even three yet, so I knew
she wouldn’t really be able to make something like that up, but on the other
hand, I felt a little skeptical and didn’t want to get too excited. She then told me that Hailey reads her
Brown Bear, Brown Bear which was one of Hailey’s favorite books…something I had
never told Ava. I wanted to ask
her so many questions, but also didn’t want to feed her information. I wanted to keep what she was telling
me as pure as possible to really try to determine if this was truly
happening. After that small
conversation we didn’t speak of it again for quite some time.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I <span style="font-size: large;">truly believe 100% that <span style="font-size: large;">Ava sees H<span style="font-size: large;">ailey at times. <span style="font-size: large;">I remember once <span style="font-size: large;">about <span style="font-size: large;">3 months after H<span style="font-size: large;">ailey had died we went to visit the ceme<span style="font-size: large;">t<span style="font-size: large;">ery and I opened Ava's <span style="font-size: large;">car door to see her int<span style="font-size: large;">ently </span>staring up at the sky. T<span style="font-size: large;">here was lite<span style="font-size: large;">rally nothing there...not a clou<span style="font-size: large;">d, pl<span style="font-size: large;">ane, bird,<span style="font-size: large;"> nothing. She would not break her stare e<span style="font-size: large;">ven after I said Ava <span style="font-size: large;">several times and waved my hand in front of her face. All of sudden she started crying and waved<span style="font-size: large;">, </span>sa<span style="font-size: large;">y<span style="font-size: large;">ing</span></span>, "<span style="font-size: large;">Bye Bye." <span style="font-size: large;">I <span style="font-size: large;">got the chills<span style="font-size: large;"> and knew exactly what she was seeing. There have even been a couple times where Ava ha<span style="font-size: large;">s come to <span style="font-size: large;">me very upset because Hailey hadn't <span style="font-size: large;">"visited<span style="font-size: large;">" her in a while. So<span style="font-size: large;">, I do know, w<span style="font-size: large;">ithout a shadow of a doubt, that Hailey is around us and <span style="font-size: large;">getting <span style="font-size: large;">to know her little sister <span style="font-size: large;">even though she isn't physically here.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> </div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Now <span style="font-size: large;">f</span>ast-forward many months f<span style="font-size: large;">rom<span style="font-size: large;"> that first conversation</span></span> and there’s Ava talking to me again
about how Hailey comes and reads with her at night. She also told me that Hailey is very happy and lives with
Jesus. Hailey has since become a
very important and integral part of Ava’s life. She talks about her ALL the time. She points out every Lay’s Potato Chip truck yelling, “Those
are Hailey’s chips!” She knows
when we pass by the street the cemetery is on and makes sure to tell me,
“That’s Hailey’s Place over there.”
She knows where the clinic is and LOVES to visit there. She loves to pick out little bags of Lay's potato chips to dr<span style="font-size: large;">op off for Hailey when we go visit her. </span> And she is constantly asking me if
Hailey is going to be there whenever we do things as a family. She always says, “And Hailey can come
too!” And when I bou<span style="font-size: large;">ght two little fis<span style="font-size: large;">h <span style="font-size: large;">for Joey<span style="font-size: large;">, Ava insisted on <span style="font-size: large;">nam<span style="font-size: large;">ing the first one Mayz (Hailey<span style="font-size: large;">'s middle name) and the second one<span style="font-size: large;">, Hailey.<span style="font-size: large;"> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">A couple weeks before Halloween we had a party at our church
where people decorate the trunks of their cars and the kids walk around
trick-or-treating. Ava must have
asked me 10 times if Hailey was going to be there. (What does a mother say to that?) It breaks my heart every time she asked with much
excitement, “Is Hailey going <span style="font-size: large;">com</span>e?” And I ha<span style="font-size: large;">d</span> to reply with, “No, probably not this time,” or,
“She might, but you probably won’t be able to see her because she’ll be <span style="font-size: large;">a gh<span style="font-size: large;">ost</span></span>.” :) Ava ended up having a blast at the
church Halloween party and even yelled, “This is AMAZING,” as she saw all the
candy. Ye<span style="font-size: large;">t, still a</span>t the end when I asked her if she had fun<span style="font-size: large;"> </span>she said, “Yes, but I’m kinda
sad.” I said, “Why would you feel
sad?” And then I felt <span style="font-size: large;">my s<span style="font-size: large;">tomach turn</span></span> as she whined, “Cause I wish Hailey was here with me.” I do too Ava. I wish Hailey was here with me too.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">As Ava’s 4<sup>th</sup> birthday approaches I’ve started
planning her birthday party. She’s
so excited about it and after telling her we were going to do a My Little Pony
theme, her favorite, I said, “And guess who’s going to be there!” (I was planning on listing her
friends.) Her face lit up like a
lightbulb, she took a big gasp, and yelled, “HAILEY!” There really are no words to explain how that made me
feel. I honestly don’t even
remember how I responded because it caught me by such surprise, but what I do
remember is walking into the bathroom a couple seconds later to dab my tear
filled eyes.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">On one hand, I am so happy that Ava is so interested in her
sister and seems to feel such a connection to her. <span style="font-size: large;">But o</span>n the other, <span style="font-size: large;">it </span>seriously hurts so much to constantly
see the sadness or disappointment in her eyes when her sister isn’t going to be
with us. That being said, I do
feel like I’ve done a good job of keeping Hailey alive in our family and making
sure that her sister (and soon her brother as he gets older) will always know
they have two big sisters who love them very much. I want them to “know” Hailey and who she was and what she
stood for and the aMAYZing legacy she has left for them. To that, I’d have to give myself a
humble pat on the back and say, “Good job, Mommy.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Some pics of Hailey & Ava:</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">(Hailey absolutely LOVED Ava<span style="font-size: large;">! There was not <span style="font-size: large;">one sec<span style="font-size: large;">ond of <span style="font-size: large;">jealously from Hailey when Ava was born. S<span style="font-size: large;">he wanted to help with everything and took such good care of Ava. <span style="font-size: large;">Ava's first giggle <span style="font-size: large;">happened when</span> Hailey was play<span style="font-size: large;">ing <span style="font-size: large;">with her<span style="font-size: large;">. They had such a bond <span style="font-size: large;">that I know <span style="font-size: large;">still continues be<span style="font-size: large;">yond <span style="font-size: large;">this Earth.)</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">This was Hailey's first time seeing Ava.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">(She was so proud and excited!) </span><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_s5z1fNSJCHhFSKwtsokkI5vtIXSs-b_vvW8ct5fK7uJHCG88BWLWmXRaADS-YG3VWll9FilKcBd38l9vmCGFAt5byXiA3CJG9Weus6yzKW_nh3D_QYN1AafL_gzcyj9C6ldYLZqV-ss/s1600/IMG_3403.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="285" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_s5z1fNSJCHhFSKwtsokkI5vtIXSs-b_vvW8ct5fK7uJHCG88BWLWmXRaADS-YG3VWll9FilKcBd38l9vmCGFAt5byXiA3CJG9Weus6yzKW_nh3D_QYN1AafL_gzcyj9C6ldYLZqV-ss/s400/IMG_3403.JPG" width="400" /></a></span></span></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I would often find Hailey checking up on Ava<span style="font-size: large;">.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnMaUWFfN9nub35ycJcw7juPT2ntoSbTFnEIrzBcmLbsstShcpGT1DERS-ORGInOHuTevSMOPZV2ThGD1Vv5l6qyYi-Hx3_GZUakFCY2mE7CZtyNrG6bdkwXpGvhDAMzuXPfg2tVCpt2U/s1600/IMG_3717.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnMaUWFfN9nub35ycJcw7juPT2ntoSbTFnEIrzBcmLbsstShcpGT1DERS-ORGInOHuTevSMOPZV2ThGD1Vv5l6qyYi-Hx3_GZUakFCY2mE7CZtyNrG6bdkwXpGvhDAMzuXPfg2tVCpt2U/s400/IMG_3717.jpg" width="266" /></a></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I also have a picture of Ava reaching out and touching Hailey's head at the viewing on the day of her funeral. It is so touching, but also something I wasn't sure I could share on my blog as it does show Hailey lying in her casket and may be difficult for some to see. (Although, she looked absolutely beautiful.)</span></span></div>
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wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-54889798614657969132012-10-19T21:25:00.001-07:002012-10-19T21:25:43.584-07:00Happy Birthday To Me!<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I've only had two dreams about Hailey since she passed away three years ago, that is, until the night before my birthday! I have prayed and prayed that she would come to me some night in a dream and we could talk and I could ask her three specific questions I've been wanting to know. (I'll share those another time.) Anyways, I always get this answer of, "In due time." I'm not quite sure exactly what that means, but I kind of feel as if the Lord is telling me it's just not the right time yet. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I have often wondered how I would feel after such a life-like dream and if "talking" to Hailey would cause me to spiral backwards in my grief process. I still can't watch videos of her, even after all this time. I've tried a couple times, but as soon as I see her little body alive and moving and hear her voice my heart breaks all over again and the tears start to flow. It still really hurts. Maybe I'm just not ready yet for such a dream. Having to say "goodbye" to her all over again might be too much to bear right now. I know when the time is right it will happen, so I'll just keep waiting. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">On that note, I did get an awesome birthday gift in the form of a dream similar to what I've been praying for. It went a little like this: Hailey was in the hospital for some unknown reason and I had been unable to see her for an entire month. (As most of you know, dreams are often hard to relate in words, so I'll do my best.) Anyways, I was on my way to finally see her, but felt terrified that she had forgotten me since it had been so long. Again, I don't know why I was unable to see her for that long, but I remember in my dream it was for some uncontrollable reason. As I was getting ready to walk in the room I started crying because I thought for sure she was either not going to know who I was or she was going to be angry with me. However, quite the opposite happened. When I walked in she was sitting on a man's lap (not quite sure who) and she turned her little head and looked at me and the hugest smile ever, a bigger that real life smile, spread across her face. She immediately jumped off the man's lap and bolted towards me grabbing me around the waist and hugging me as tightly as she possibly could. I remember I could barely breathe, but I hugged her back just as hard and worried that I was going to break her. I also remember feeling like I NEVER, EVER wanted to let her go. Then suddenly I startled awake and my heart was racing a million miles a minute. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I immediately wanted to go back to sleep so I could hug her again, but ended up laying awake for a while going over every detail. Although she never actually spoke any words, I knew deep down inside that she was so happy and hadn't forgotten me for a single moment. After a few minutes of laying there I felt completely at peace and even happy that I got to "see" her. I remember feeling excited to know that one day I would get to hug her like that and NEVER have to let her go again! I seriously live for that day.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I still don't know if it was actually her (spiritually) visiting me or just one of my wishful dreams, but honestly it doesn't really matter to me. All that matters is that I got a birthday hug from my little angel, she was happy as could be, and so was I! What better gift could I ask for?</span></span>wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-17989155876370463652012-09-06T14:29:00.001-07:002012-09-06T14:41:47.581-07:00A Miracle In My Eyes<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I have a bin I keep for each one of my children. I don't like clutter or piles of "stuff" that I don't need and I feel that if I save everything they do then none of it will seem special. These bins are my way of holding on to a select few things that I feel represent them and their different stages of life.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Hailey's bin consists of a wide variety of things from her life: her very first outfit, a tiny diaper that actually fit her when she was only 4lbs, some of her old medical supplies, little crafts she made, etc. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">It sits in my closet and I look through it often. I love touching the stuff that I know she touched and remembering moments surrounding some of her things.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> Amongst these reminders, both happy and painful, is a DVD that I had intentionally pushed all the way to the bottom. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">The night before what I now call her Heavenly Birthday (which is the day she died), I pulled that hidden DVD out from the bottom of the bin and held my breath as I pushed it into the side of my computer and watched the screen. I was nauseous and shaking as the video came up on the screen and as soon as I heard a voice the tears started rolling. That voice, however, wasn't Hailey's. It wasn't even the voice of someone in my family. I honestly don't even know who's voice it was, all I know is that it was a voice!!!!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">So what does this voice have to do with a miracle? Well, that DVD contains the video of Hailey's funeral. I didn't know if I would actually ever watch it, but I wanted to have it anyways. It turned out that about a year after she died I was home alone and for some crazy reason I decided to watch it but discovered there was no volume. Nothing. I tried for about a half hour to get it to work on my computer, the TV, anywhere I could play a DVD, but I am absolutely certain there was no volume. Sean, who is very electronically savvy, couldn't get it work either. He came to the conclusion that the person videoing forgot to turn the microphone on. I cried my eyes out because it was all I had left of that day. Although I was physically there, mentally and emotionally I was checked out and therefore have almost no memory of anything. I was hoping to one day go back and listen to the talks and songs honoring my little girl's life. In the end I put it back in the bottom of the bin and tried not to think about it.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I don't know what it was about the three year mark of Hailey's death, but I decided a couple months beforehand that I really wanted to watch her funeral on that day. However, every time I thought about it I would get upset all over again that there was no volume. So I decided to go to the only person I knew of who could fix it without any problems...my Heavenly Father. Yes, that's right, I decided to pray about it. At first I felt a little weird praying about a DVD, but I knew I had nothing to lose. I told Him how important it was to me that I have this documentation, but I also understood if He knew better than I did and knew I might not be able to handle watching it. I told Him I would be okay with any answer I was given, but I had 100% faith that if it was the right thing He could make it work. I prayed and prayed and prayed for several weeks about it.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">The Sunday before Hailey's Heavenly Birthday I was at church and one of my good friends told a story about how she was driving her daughter up to college and they had packed all her stuff in cardboard boxes on the roof of the car. While driving they hit a horrible storm and everything was soaked. Her daughter realized she had put all her journals, which she started when she was a very young child, in one of those boxes. She was devastated that they could all be ruined and decided to pray about it. After hours of praying silently to herself she arrived at her apartment and checked the box to find that all her journals were spared! My friend also talked about how if something is that important to us then it's also that important to our Heavenly Father. I remember at that moment saying, "Okay Lord, you know how important this is to me. I've been praying for weeks and I KNOW that you can fix my video just as you protected those journals."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">So...back to the night before Hailey's Heavenly Birthday and the voice I heard from that DVD. I couldn't believe it! It truly was a miracle!!! I had tears pouring down my face at the knowledge that our Heavenly Father does love us so much and listens to and answers our prayers. That was one of the most tangible miracles I had ever experienced. I KNOW that DVD did not work before my prayers and now it's perfect.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">As for watching it...well, I didn't get very far. The second I saw Hailey's casket being pushed in and Sean and I walking behind it as everyone stood up, I started to sob and couldn't go any further. I didn't realize how much pain I was in until I saw my face on that video. I know I was physically there that day, but emotionally and mentally I was completely gone somewhere else. I'm sure the day will come when I'll have the strength to sit down and watch it all the way through, but for now, I'm just happy knowing that my prayers were answered and a miracle took place.</span>wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-46751179185029785502012-08-01T11:44:00.003-07:002012-08-01T11:44:40.467-07:00A Bereaved Parent's Wish List<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">A friend of mine just lost her only child, a beautiful son, to cancer a few weeks ago. As I was thinking of ways to help her through her grief, I remembered something that I had found right after Hailey passed away. It stated so perfectly how I felt that I had it put on the back of her funeral program. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">As I reread it before forwarding it on to my friend it surprised me how spot on every single statement <b>still</b> is for me, <b>even after almost 3 years</b>, so I thought I'd share with you all as a reminder of what the loss of a child does to the parents left behind:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">
</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 14.0pt;"><b>A Bereaved Parent’s Wish
List<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;">1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b>I wish my child hadn’t died.</b> I wish I
had them back.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;">2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b>I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak
my child’s name.</b> My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear
that they were important to you also.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;">3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I cry and get emotional when you
talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My
child’s death is the cause of my tears. <b>You have talked about my child and you
allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;">4. Being a bereaved parent
is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you now more
than ever.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;">5. I need diversions, so I
do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I might be sad and I might cry, <b>but I
wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;">6. I know that you think of
me and pray for me often. I also know that my child’s death pains you, too. <b>I
wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note,
or a real big hug.</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;">7. I wish you wouldn’t
expect my grief to be over in six months. These first few months are traumatic
for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. <b>I
will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;">8. <b>I am working very hard
on my recovery,</b> but I wish you could understand that I will never fully
recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that she is
dead.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;">9. I wish you wouldn’t
expect me to “not think about it” or to “be happy.” Neither will happen for a long
time, so don’t frustrate yourself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;">10. I wish you understood
how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when
I’m feeling miserable. Please be patient with me as I am with you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;">11. <b>When I say, “I’m doing
okay,” I wish you could understand that I don’t “feel” okay and that I struggle
daily.</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;">12. I wish you knew that
all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger,
hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. <b>So, please
excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable or cranky.</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;">13. I wish you understood
that grief changes people. <b>When my child died, a big part of me died with them.
I am not the same person I was before my child died and I will never be that
person again.</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;">14 . I wish very much that
you could understand …understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears,
my void and my pain. But, I<b> pray daily that you will never understand.</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Book Antiqua"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Anonymous<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-46385781546839657812012-07-23T23:12:00.001-07:002012-07-23T23:23:59.610-07:00Happy "6th" Birthday, My Sweet Angel<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Hailey's birthday was last Friday, July 20th. Although I try to tell myself it's just another day, deep down inside I know it's not. Hailey would have been 6 years old this year. As I look back on what the last 6 years have meant and how much they have completely changed my life and who I am as a person, I often find it almost difficult to take in. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Up until about an hour after Hailey was born, Sean and I had no idea that our little baby girl was about to rock our world. The fact that she was 8 weeks premature didn't even begin to prepare us for what was about to occur in our lives.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Right before I began to write this post I watched the slideshow of photos I put up on the top of my blog. Tears came spilling down my cheeks as I watched the pictures of her first few days and months of life and the unbelievably miraculous transformation that took place over those 3 years she lived on this Earth. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">If you watch the slide show, you'll notice that even at her worst times, Hailey ALWAYS had a smile on her face. That little girl absolutely LOVED life and refused to ever let any of her struggles and trials get her down for even one moment. She taught me more about life in her 3 short years here than I think I had learned combined before she was born. And even though she's no longer physically here with me, I continue to learn from her everyday.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I KNOW that our loved ones are just as much alive after they have left this Earthly world as they were when they were physically here. I once explained it to Lexi by telling her that her family members on the East Coast are just as much alive as she is right now, even though she isn't looking at them or talking to them. They're just busy living life on the other side of the country. I truly believe that for Hailey as well. She's just busy living her life in Heaven right now. Of course the big difference is that we can call or visit our other family members here when we miss them and hear back from them personally, which unfortunately we can't do with Hailey. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">If someone could invent telephones or Skype in Heaven that would be very much appreciated!</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> However, for now I know she visits us, interacts with us, hears us and watches over us, etc. (Not in a creepy kind of way, but through the little signs she sends...a dime after my blog about missing her, a Lay's potato chip truck or yellow jeep driving by when I'm having a rough day, and so on.)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Let me give you a couple examples from her birthday. For some weird reason I thought I was going to be totally fine that day. I guess since this is her third birthday in Heaven, I assumed I was maybe getting used to it. Of course, I was wrong. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I anticipated that day all month. What kind of birthday would she have wanted? What friends would she have invited? What kinds of presents would she have asked for? What would she have looked like? And then...what was I going to do to celebrate her life? How was I going to make her birthday a happy day for myself and my children? How was I going to make sure that everyone else remembered it was her birthday?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">The night before I ended up getting a horrible headache, probably close to a migraine. I went to bed super early because the pain was so intense. The following morning I woke up and it was still there and I remember wondering how I was going to get through the day. I'm still not sure if I was wondering that because of my raging headache or because it was Hailey's birthday and I wasn't going to get to celebrate it with her.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I finally got out of bed, but struggled all morning. I couldn't believe how difficult it was and how emotional I felt. It definitely caught me off guard. I just wanted to be alone and think and be sad and cry, but having three other young children at home (who were so excited to celebrate their sister's birthday) made my grief a little more difficult to deal with. In some ways the kids make it easier because I don't have time to wallow in my misery, but on the same token the kids make it difficult because I don't have time to wallow in my misery.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I have to say I was pretty grumpy and snappy all morning. We decided to take Hailey some balloons, flowers and a huge bag of Lay's potato chips and have a picnic lunch at her place. As we were driving there I could feel that pit in my stomach churning with emotion and my eyes welling up with tears as I was feeling so sorry for myself. I finally started praying that I wouldn't break down in front of the kids because they were so excited. As I looked up, there on the other side of the road a huge Lay's truck drove right by. My mouth turned upwards into a huge smile, tears rolled down my cheeks, and I knew right then that Hailey was with us. She knew of my deep pain and her sisters' innocent excitement and was able to pull me out it for their sake. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I knew that she was aware of me and the last thing I wanted was for her to see her mother sad on what would have been her 6th birthday. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I felt like she was telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself because she never felt sorry for herself even one minute...especially now. Almost immediately I snapped out of it and the day started looking up.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">When we were getting ready to leave her place after lunch I was folding up Joey's stroller and out plopped two dimes right at my feet. Once again I was smiling.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Later that day, the girls and I made cupcakes and they had a great time decorating them all. We invited some friends and neighbors that were really close to Hailey to have dinner with us back at her place. It turned out to be an absolutely "beau'ful day," as Hailey would have said.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">On our way home, as I drove by a gas station, right there in the parking lot were two Lay's trucks parked side-by-side. It was such a wonderful way to end a "beau'ful day," in Hailey's honor! </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">So, as I mentioned above, I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that Hailey still lives and is aware of her family and friends. I know she watches out for those she knows and loves and for those her family knows and loves. I've heard so many stories from family and friends of times they felt Hailey was there watching over them. I love her so much and although I can't physically interact with her, I know our spirits interact often.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Some pictures from Hailey's 3rd Birthday </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>(The last birthday she celebrated before she passed away.)</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Our Family Picture</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">She LOVED her Lay's!</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg23qG53A16jRSEIz5FizHsMaWhB2O1ZjZoRl8UhY4zQn8f1rXl4UcyVR8WZObHPVVaRhQlp8ePAj3szJ1k2XTZ8K41H5-fHBNWrW5hmMV1RA-6CcNgSRynR2dmGUqgUCdnbwLznl3IrJg/s1600/IMG_1402.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg23qG53A16jRSEIz5FizHsMaWhB2O1ZjZoRl8UhY4zQn8f1rXl4UcyVR8WZObHPVVaRhQlp8ePAj3szJ1k2XTZ8K41H5-fHBNWrW5hmMV1RA-6CcNgSRynR2dmGUqgUCdnbwLznl3IrJg/s400/IMG_1402.JPG" width="266" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Some pics from Haileys "6th" Birthday</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Our Family Picture</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-5880472903152015962012-07-17T22:47:00.002-07:002012-07-17T22:47:48.628-07:00Missing My Girl...Part 2<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"><i>I actually wrote this entry back on June 13th and forgot to publish it, so...without further ado: </i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">In continuation of my last entry, after almost three years without physically seeing or touching or hearing my sweet, little Hailey, my pain is still very deep and my longing for her is even more so. I miss her more and more everyday and often feel that little knot or somersault in my stomach when I think of her. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">It's so hard to put into words how I currently feel or where I am in my grief process, but I'll do my best. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">The first few days, weeks, months, and even year I was in so much shock and pain it was literally unbelievable. I never knew pain like that could exist and until now I never realized how much I had shut down. I thought I was doing great because I was getting up in the morning, taking care of my kids, and tending to the household stuff, but in reality I was checked out emotionally and as much mentally as possible. I only got out of bed and carried on throughout my day because my children needed me, but aside from doing only what I needed to get by in the day I had nothing more to give.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">As I look back now I think that in those first couple of years I was like a child in my understanding of grief. It's weird to say that I liked the attention I received, because I absolutely did not, but I think I more needed it and craved it because that attention gave me the will to go on. It encompassed the love and support I so desperately needed. I read and reread every comment on my blog, Facebook, email, etc. over and over and over again...sometimes I still do. I also don't think I completely comprehended (or allowed myself to comprehend) the true finality of Hailey's death in this lifetime. I really think that I was expecting it all to pass by after a couple months and once I completed my test of faith and passed with an A+, Hailey would be right back in my arms again. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">Now as time has passed and we are coming up on three years, the reality and finality of it all is starting to really sink in. I think the Lord (or our bodies, however you want to look at it) has a way of only allowing us to handle and comprehend so much pain and heartache at any given time. He truly does know what we can handle and won't give us any more than that. Apparently, now He thinks I can handle more and as time slowly passes I also feel those raw, painful emotions creeping to the surface little by little. It kind of reminds me of boiling water. At first all the bubbles are at the bottom, then slowly a couple will rise at a time, until all of a sudden it's bubbling everywhere. I'm hoping I don't quite make it to boiling because I really don't want all the grief I've suppressed to come bubbling everywhere all at once!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">Anyways, I've slowly started revisiting those first few days and weeks after Hailey's death. I think about her and talk about her ALL the time, but never the events surrounding her death. It's always been too painful to think about before, and at times it still is. So I'll let a bubble or two rise and then turn the burner down for a while until I'm ready to explore a few more. I've just recently started asking people where they were, what I said, how they found out, and how they reacted to the sudden and unexpected news of Hailey's passing. I literally have no memory of who I talked to that night and/or what was said. I don't know why, but I want to know now. (So if you have a story to share with me please email me at the address at the top of my blog.) </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;">Eventually I'll be ready to watch the video of her funeral, then videos of her alive, and so on. I'm just taking it one thing at a time. As for right now, I feel the most stable mentally, physically, and emotionally that I have felt since Hailey's passing. I'm trying to savor that and allow myself to really start healing in all those ways. However, as stable as I feel, the pain is still there aching some days and throbbing others. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif; font-size: large;"> I don't believe that times heals all wounds, however I do believe it makes them less painful. I'm sure some of you have heard this analogy before but I feel that the wound of grief is similar to that of a severely broken bone. Although it will eventually look and act as if it's fully healed, there will always be a little scar or weak spot on the area that was broken. If overworked or pushed too far it can break much easier than before. I feel that with the wound of my grief. The raw break is slowly healing, however there is definitely a permanent scar there. Sometimes I overdo it a little and the pain comes rushing back and then as I rest it the pain subsides. I'm sure that's how it will be forever in this lifetime. Strangely enough, I'm slowly becoming accustomed to it and learning how to live with it and manage it so it doesn't rule my life. But my sweet Hailey will NEVER be far from my thoughts and will ALWAYS be in my heart.</span>wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-74379528852312818772012-06-21T22:47:00.000-07:002012-06-21T22:52:01.280-07:00It was then that He carried me...<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Even after almost three years, I still refer to my favorite poem, Footprints In The Sand, and know that there are still many times when there is only one set of footprints in that sand as the Lord carries me through. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I wanted to share an example of one of these times that just happened to me this week. In our church we often refer to them as "tender mercies," but you can call them anything you wish. All I know is that they are the times when two sets of footprints become one as the Lord carries us through a burden we can no longer bear ourselves.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Last Saturday Sean and I took the kids to the pool for a few hours to swim. Ava loves to play in the "cajuzzi," as she calls it, so I went in with her for a bit. While there we met a mother and her daughter who was about the same age as Ava. Of course, we got to chatting and she asked me the very dreaded question, "How many children do you have?" Without even a hesitation, I responded, "Four." </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I will always respond with the number four because that's how many children I have. But after saying so, my heart skipped a beat and my stomach turned as I tried to change the subject and prayed that she wouldn't ask anymore about my kids. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">A little while later Sean brought Lexi and Joey in with us. I could sense the wheels turning in the lady's head as she noticed there were only three children with us and so I continued to pray even harder that she wouldn't ask where the fourth was. In my mind I was going through every possible answer I could give, "She's at a friend's house." "She's not here today." "She died. What else do you want to know?" I couldn't get out of there fast enough and luckily the question never came up.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">That night I thanked God about a million times for the fact that I didn't have to make up some excuse or go into details about why Hailey wasn't physically there that day. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Later, as I was thinking about the pool experience, I also got to thinking about Ava's soccer class that we go to every week. For the first time last week I told her coach I had four kids. It was as I was leaving so he didn't have time to question me about it, but I could see the wonder in his face since he'd met Lexi and Joey several times, but never met a fourth. My stomach dropped as I realized that now with Lexi on summer vacation it was going to be even more evident that someone was missing when we all went to Ava's class. I knew the question would eventually arise and it made me sick to think of having to tell him about Hailey in front of all the other parents.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I knew I would get the sad looks and the "I'm so sorry's" and all the other stuff that goes along with such a revelation and honestly, I just didn't want to have to deal with it. So again, I prayed about it and told the Lord that I didn't want to have to go through that right now. As I got into bed that night, I felt this little whisper that said, "Don't worry. I'll take care of it." </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">So this week it turned out that my mom came down for the day and took Ava to her soccer class while I ran errands. It also turned out that she was the only one there that day, probably because of summer starting. When she got home something inside me said to ask her if she told him about Hailey. I don't know why I had the feeling, aside from God whispering it to me, because we never even talked about her telling him.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Well she told me that he just happened to ask her what the tattoo on her foot was. (It's a tiny 'h' literally the size of your pinky fingernail, so for him to even see it was totally random.) She ended up telling him all about Hailey, her foundation, the clinic, etc. Talk about a relief! I felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. I'm usually fine talking about Hailey once her story is out in the open, it's just the initial moment of having to tell someone for the first time that's so hard.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">It wasn't until a couple days later that I realized that was one of those 'tender mercies' from the Lord. It was one of those times that there was only one set of footprints in the sand because He knew I couldn't handle having that conversation. So, as the poem says, "It was then that He carried me." </span></span>wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-17822932988970393462012-06-14T20:28:00.002-07:002012-06-14T20:56:26.537-07:00A Walk for aMAYZing Kids!!!<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><i>As most of you know we have opened a non-profit therapy clinic called aMAYZing Kids in Hailey's honor. We are so excited that its growing significantly and quickly. The whole intention of the clinic is to help uninsured or underinsured children receive the therapy they need, however we do also accept insured children. For more information on the actual clinic you can click on the links at the end of this entry.</i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">For now, my whole point of this blog entry is to invite you all to either come walk with me, or if you're unable to attend, sponsor my virtual team, Team Hailey!!! I would personally love to meet and thank those of you who have been reading and supporting me.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">There are two ways you can participate and help:</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">1. <b><u>Attend the walk</u></b></span><br />
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<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b>Date:</b> Saturday, June 30th</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b>Time: </b>10:00-2:00</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b>Place:</b> aMAYZing Kids Clinic (20902 Bake Pkwy #100, Lake Forest, CA 92630)</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b>Price:</b> $25/person, under 3 is free</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b>Includes:</b> All you can eat BBQ lunch, T-shirt, games & prizes, Penelope the pony, photo ops, and more!!!</span></li>
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><a href="http://hosted-p0.vresp.com/681728/bb03b2377d/ARCHIVE">Click here to register!!!</a></span></b></div>
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<b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Live out of town? Busy that day? Too lazy to walk?</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">No prob! You can still participate by sponsoring me and my team.</span></i></b></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">2. <b><u>Join my Virtual Team, TEAM HAILEY!</u></b></span><br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.crowdrise.com/teamhailey/fundraiser/amayzing">Click here to join TEAM HAILEY!!!</a></span></b></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I'm counting on you all to sign up somewhere and support our cause in Hailey's honor!!! Thank you again for all your continued love and support...It means the world to me.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><u>For More Info On The Clinic </u></b></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.amayzingkids.com/">aMAYZing Kids Clinic Website</a></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><a href="http://haileyshalo.blogspot.com/2011/07/hailey-mayz-foundation.html">My First Blog Entry on The aMAYZing Kids Clinic</a></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><a href="http://haileyshalo.blogspot.com/2011/08/amayzing-kids-fundraiser.html">Blog Entry on our awesome fundraiser for aMAYZing Kids!</a></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><a href="http://haileyshalo.blogspot.com/2011/08/video-from-amayzing-kids-fundraiser.html">Video from the aMAYZing Kids Fundraiser (I spoke on it.)</a></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><a href="http://haileyshalo.blogspot.com/2011/11/amayzing-kids-clinic.html">aMAYZing Kids Grand Opening Blog Entry</a></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-5418635427957949182012-06-12T09:55:00.003-07:002012-06-12T09:55:39.980-07:00Missing My Girl - Update<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Apparently Hailey is still around and was reading my blog last night. This morning I got in my car and accidentally dropped the earpiece to my cell phone down in between my seats. As I reached across to the passenger side trying to search for it, I looked down and saw what I'd been waiting to see for such a loooong time now!!!! </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Check out the picture:</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Two quick things regarding the picture above:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">1. My car is actually quite clean, that's just one random crevice down in between the seats (which I will now be cleaning today!).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">2. I LOVE my angel Hailey!!!! She's so awesome!</span></div>
<br />wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-38426480559850742562012-06-11T22:58:00.001-07:002012-06-11T23:03:04.008-07:00Missing My Girl<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Sometimes I'm still shocked at the randomness of grief. As the 3 year "anniversary" of Hailey's death quickly approaches I feel my emotions becoming more and more raw. I didn't think it would be possible, but I miss her more now than I did in those first few days, weeks, and months after she passed away. I'm sure a lot of this has to do with the fact that August 11th of this year will mark the day that Hailey has been gone longer than she was here. Although deep down inside I know it's just a date and doesn't define my relationship with her, it still terrifies me that once that day passes I'll feel further away from her than ever before and with each passing day after the 11th our bond will become less and less. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I used to feel her around me all the time. Although she was gone physically I felt her stronger spiritually than I could have ever imagined. I think I actually felt closer to her and more bonded to her after she passed away than before. I felt like we became friends and I would talk to her as if she were older and wiser...and I know she is. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she was always with me, watching over me, walking beside me, talking to me (or whispering in my ear), and of course, sending me dimes as often as possible. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">But I'm really struggling right now because I haven't felt her around in quite a while now, several months to be exact. I don't feel her peace and comfort nearby and I honestly cannot remember that last time I've found a dime. (I looked and prayed and asked and looked some more on Mother's Day, but to my surprise and much disappointment I never found one.) I guess I came to rely on those little silver circles to keep me feeling connected and loved. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Of course I know that she hasn't forgotten me. And the way I believe, religiously, is that she's probably off on some mission teaching others who have died all about Jesus. I know she's busy and being used to her full potential, but sometimes I get frustrated and think, "What about me? I still need you too." Just maybe there's someone else who needs her more than me right now. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I've prayed about it a lot and feel that the answer I always receive is to be patient and my time will come again. She's busy, but definitely not gone and if I just remain faithful I'll be rewarded. So, I'm doing just that and I know that the time will come when I feel Hailey back by my side again.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I know this all may sound very weird to some of you and that's completely okay with me. However, it is very real to me. I know that Hailey is just as much alive in spirit now as she was when she was in her body. I believe she is just in a different place than me. One example I used to explain it to Lexi is that her relatives on the East Coast are just as much alive as she is even though she can't physically see them right now. That is what I believe about Hailey. Unfortunately, no one has invented telephones, or even better, Skype that reaches Heaven yet, but with the way technology advances everyday I'm not giving up hope!!!</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">So as of right now, I'm missing her a lot and wondering what the heck she's doing and where she is. But I'm going to continue being patient and holding out for when the moment arises that I feel her in my presence again.</span></div>wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6373384818525545940.post-44491768243602613062012-05-14T19:57:00.002-07:002012-05-14T19:57:17.587-07:00Mormon Helping Hands = A Success!<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Gosh, I really wish I had more time to keep up with my blog. I have so much to write about and I love hearing all your comments and feedback. Even after almost three years, I still struggle and look for the support that I received in the first few months. Which, let me add, is usually there when I need it. I am in awe with how much compassion people have and how much my little Hailey is still remembered!!! It's such a "beau'ful" thing, as she would say.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Our Mormon Helping Hands project was a huge success!!! We had over 250 volunteers show up to help. What an honor it was for me to have the opportunity to serve at the very place that has taken such great care of my daughter since she was first laid there to rest. I can't say enough good things about this cemetery (El Toro Memorial Park). They are so wonderful there.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">The staff that directed us in what to do was so grateful for our help and really the only way to put it is to say they were just plain nice! Hailey's favorite thing to say was, "It's a beau'ful day out," and, that it was! Gorgeous to be exact. The weather couldn't have been better. The people couldn't have been nicer. The day couldn't have gone more smoothly.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I had many people ask to see Hailey's Place and as weird as it may sound, I was so excited to show them. Her place is absolutely beautiful. I really work hard at keeping her stone clean and polished, fresh flowers in the vase, pretty plants in the pots, a cute flag with her picture, and always a couple other knickknacks that represent her. I figure that since I can no longer physically take care of her here, I'll take care of her place there. I want people to walk by and think, "Wow that is a special, loved little girl."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Here are some pictures from the project:</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">The Entrance </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSW-2_fCve9hRJPQyeC2BHSpkeGCul9F4J9iQS1Snp9CGI-dX8EeUto8hY7JOMWM157goFE8VOS3uCZ7NZE-Y3zwKmP_E0ALW-e73IOTrShBvTuh0oZnSgYt38aW6qwLuvAC4bGIFfbwg/s1600/IMG_5656.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSW-2_fCve9hRJPQyeC2BHSpkeGCul9F4J9iQS1Snp9CGI-dX8EeUto8hY7JOMWM157goFE8VOS3uCZ7NZE-Y3zwKmP_E0ALW-e73IOTrShBvTuh0oZnSgYt38aW6qwLuvAC4bGIFfbwg/s400/IMG_5656.JPG" width="400" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">One of the wrought iron fences that was painted. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCsfeUVZeSuZkrgnhPbdp8mIQih-f87NdNuvG0kSpxVAjr2JQTKbbqGaAAO7o16xVX4zWHGVXYtg7jZoiDlaS09xjykda_cWxFYRPTCVnNtbHhzFHx7lNYfjswERuzGZEQnZWjSjcZ8mk/s1600/IMG_5658.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCsfeUVZeSuZkrgnhPbdp8mIQih-f87NdNuvG0kSpxVAjr2JQTKbbqGaAAO7o16xVX4zWHGVXYtg7jZoiDlaS09xjykda_cWxFYRPTCVnNtbHhzFHx7lNYfjswERuzGZEQnZWjSjcZ8mk/s400/IMG_5658.JPG" width="400" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJnKNIAw42QAYsZ8BbDX5yvjR25C0QjZp9HsH_FWzEYNBpALHsC-z7LnbLD-YaTmuu7IVlVfF2XjRT7BJBxC4Gmy86G2JxEBn2-jk_5XFFfciVVmLj9btFkAxiOKEEy_AR8uFu3T5JYdg/s1600/IMG_5654.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJnKNIAw42QAYsZ8BbDX5yvjR25C0QjZp9HsH_FWzEYNBpALHsC-z7LnbLD-YaTmuu7IVlVfF2XjRT7BJBxC4Gmy86G2JxEBn2-jk_5XFFfciVVmLj9btFkAxiOKEEy_AR8uFu3T5JYdg/s400/IMG_5654.jpg" width="266" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Lexi and one of her best friends cleaning the stones in the children's section. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfbzpUAgmQBBnYHOD_txv-bQzd64VVUfFJuP1gqmCiFVj0pSFM0hjDotgTPEWIpe04l03G03PBCwMehBiPnOZKk3Pg2tBMp0qub9B-97WOT767-siK1Ije1SrWcJAufaB4RWbcqGWeFRw/s1600/IMG_5674.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfbzpUAgmQBBnYHOD_txv-bQzd64VVUfFJuP1gqmCiFVj0pSFM0hjDotgTPEWIpe04l03G03PBCwMehBiPnOZKk3Pg2tBMp0qub9B-97WOT767-siK1Ije1SrWcJAufaB4RWbcqGWeFRw/s400/IMG_5674.JPG" width="400" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">A friend and I working the table. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg5ahiz0Rre5guy0oEBFwlTPc8a5szGgp5JrKQ5s3R_QXqqVwvJoNGOxrqtI1yI7x3DaWXybmkS4AUBATWKW0tEgiKMa-wj4WfwkUzDjpjIEdM98j3CgSZhWhzK-v0mVqxasoFUjF2Hi4/s1600/IMG_5663.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg5ahiz0Rre5guy0oEBFwlTPc8a5szGgp5JrKQ5s3R_QXqqVwvJoNGOxrqtI1yI7x3DaWXybmkS4AUBATWKW0tEgiKMa-wj4WfwkUzDjpjIEdM98j3CgSZhWhzK-v0mVqxasoFUjF2Hi4/s400/IMG_5663.JPG" width="400" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Hailey's Place</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">(This is an old picture taken by Lexi, but for some reason I didn't take a picture that day.) </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiys65yaOFvz91Ohp3LoWsnuWY0eVDdmv1fWlPFLiJZVJ64plb0WG1hsBYh62L5tLdwvsL7Jpxb55BJqjEfYnhrDY_93O7w3e2WZQve0fQN9kBVDmQ9NNxrMlF9b29C0l5H-FkF8Ommdi0/s1600/IMG_2488.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiys65yaOFvz91Ohp3LoWsnuWY0eVDdmv1fWlPFLiJZVJ64plb0WG1hsBYh62L5tLdwvsL7Jpxb55BJqjEfYnhrDY_93O7w3e2WZQve0fQN9kBVDmQ9NNxrMlF9b29C0l5H-FkF8Ommdi0/s400/IMG_2488.jpg" width="300" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I attached the links to several articles and a video of our service project. The articles are all pretty much the same, but I figured I'd include them all just to brag how popular we are!! :) Thank you so much to all who were able to physically come support us and also to those who were there in spirit. You are all important and much appreciated.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.ocregister.com/news/hands-352683-helping-mormon.html">The Orange County Register</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://lakeforest-ca.patch.com/articles/mormon-helping-hands-clean-up-el-toro-cemetery">The Lake Forest Patch</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865555237/Grief-leads-to-service-at-Mormon-Helping-Hands-project.html">Deseret News</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmeFskhBuv8" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Video</a></span>wendyincalihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00329772761974971523noreply@blogger.com0