This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Thursday, September 6, 2012

A Miracle In My Eyes

I have a bin I keep for each one of my children.  I don't like clutter or piles of "stuff" that I don't need and I feel that if I save everything they do then none of it will seem special.  These bins are my way of holding on to a select few things that I feel represent them and their different stages of life.

Hailey's bin consists of a wide variety of things from her life: her very first outfit, a tiny diaper that actually fit her when she was only 4lbs, some of her old medical supplies, little crafts she made, etc.  It sits in my closet and I look through it often.  I love touching the stuff that I know she touched and remembering moments surrounding some of her things.  Amongst these reminders, both happy and painful, is a DVD that I had intentionally pushed all the way to the bottom.

The night before what I now call her Heavenly Birthday (which is the day she died), I pulled that hidden DVD out from the bottom of the bin and held my breath as I pushed it into the side of my computer and watched the screen.  I was nauseous and shaking as the video came up on the screen and as soon as I heard a voice the tears started rolling.  That voice, however, wasn't Hailey's.  It wasn't even the voice of someone in my family.  I honestly don't even know who's voice it was, all I know is that it was a voice!!!!

So what does this voice have to do with a miracle?  Well, that DVD contains the video of Hailey's funeral.  I didn't know if I would actually ever watch it, but I wanted to have it anyways.   It turned out that about a year after she died I was home alone and for some crazy reason I decided to watch it but discovered there was no volume.  Nothing.  I tried for about a half hour to get it to work on my computer, the TV, anywhere I could play a DVD, but I am absolutely certain there was no volume.  Sean, who is very electronically savvy, couldn't get it work either.  He came to the conclusion that the person videoing forgot to turn the microphone on.  I cried my eyes out because it was all I had left of that day. Although I was physically there, mentally and emotionally I was checked out and therefore have almost no memory of anything.  I was hoping to one day  go back and listen to the talks and songs honoring my little girl's life.   In the end I put it back in the bottom of the bin and tried not to think about it.

I don't know what it was about the three year mark of Hailey's death, but I decided a couple months beforehand that I really wanted to watch her funeral on that day.  However, every time I thought about it I would get upset all over again that there was no volume.  So I decided to go to the only person I knew of who could fix it without any Heavenly Father.  Yes, that's right, I decided to pray about it. At first I felt a little weird praying about a DVD, but I knew I had nothing to lose. I told Him how important it was to me that I have this documentation, but I also understood if He knew better than I did and knew I might not be able to handle watching it.  I told Him I would be okay with any answer I was given, but I had 100% faith that if it was the right thing He could make it work.  I prayed and prayed and prayed for several weeks about it.

The Sunday before Hailey's Heavenly Birthday I was at church and one of my good friends told a story about how she was driving her daughter up to college and they had packed all her stuff in cardboard boxes on the roof of the car.  While driving they hit a horrible storm and everything was soaked.  Her daughter realized she had put all her journals, which she started when she was a very young child, in one of those boxes.  She was devastated that they could all be ruined and decided to pray about it. After hours of praying silently to herself she arrived at her apartment and checked the box to find that all her journals were spared!  My friend also talked about how if something is that important to us then it's also that important to our Heavenly Father.  I remember at that moment saying, "Okay Lord, you know how important this is to me. I've been praying for weeks and I KNOW that you can fix my video just as you protected those journals."

So...back to the night before Hailey's Heavenly Birthday and the voice I heard from that DVD.  I couldn't believe it!  It truly was a miracle!!!  I had tears pouring down my face at the knowledge that our Heavenly Father does love us so much and listens to and answers our prayers.  That was one of the most tangible miracles I had ever experienced.  I KNOW that DVD did not work before my prayers and now it's perfect.

As for watching it...well, I didn't get very far.  The second I saw Hailey's casket being pushed in and Sean and I walking behind it as everyone stood up, I started to sob and couldn't go any further.  I didn't realize how much pain I was in until I saw my face on that video.  I know I was physically there that day, but emotionally and mentally I was completely gone somewhere else.  I'm sure the day will come when I'll have the strength to sit down and watch it all the way through, but for now, I'm just happy knowing that my prayers were answered and a miracle took place.