This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

If you'd like to start from the beginning, click on the beautiful, adorable picture of Hailey on the right hand column.

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Friday, July 22, 2011

aMAYZing Kids!!!!

As most of you already know after Hailey passed away we received a lot of money from family and friends showing their love and support.  We felt that we didn't deserve it for ourselves and decided to use it to do something in Hailey's honor.  The Hailey Mayz Foundation was born!   

We have been able to give, what we call "Halos," to families who have a child in need and are struggling financially.  It has been the most aMAYZing blessing for us and those we've helped.  Now we've decided to take it a step further and are opening a non-profit therapy clinic called aMAYZing Kids!!!!  Sean has worked for countless months and hours alongside some of Hailey's therapists to get this awesome place up and running!  The doors officially open September 1st!  

I'm putting all this out there now because many of you have been asking how you can help with the Clinic. TODAY ONLY - July 22nd Vivint is matching all donations made up to $50 per person. This is a great way to make that dollar stretch! 

Here is the link (I think you need Facebook to donate), and thanks for your support!!

Click on the following link for more information on the clinic!!!! 

Thank you so much for all your continued love and support!!!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Happy 5th Birthday Hailey

Today would have been Hailey’s 5th birthday.  It’s 3:30pm right now as I’m typing this and I haven’t cried until now.  I thought I was going to get through the day without tears, but as soon as I started typing the flood gates opened.  It sucks because I want so badly to be happy, but I’m not at all.  I get so angry at myself for not being able to snap out of my dumpy mood and just be grateful for all the wonderful blessings I still have.  I'm also a little confused because I don't even really feel sad either, but instead very irritable and tired.  It’s taking every ounce of physical strength I have to get through the day.  If I could have it my way, I would literally stay in bed all day long, curl up in the fetal position, and sleep the entire day…partially because I’m so darn tired from having a new baby and partially because I’m emotionally and mentally drained. 

It’s really hard to grieve when you have other children at home.  I guess in some ways that’s a good thing because it keeps me from wallowing in misery or dwelling on the absence of Hailey, but then again some days that's exactly what I want to do and feel like I deserve to be able to do. On those days I get really frustrated and overwhelmed because I can’t be alone with my thoughts and grief.  Today, for example, has been really rough because my kids don’t understand nor really care how I’m feeling or what I’m going through, which is normal for kids, I know.  But Lexi has been following me around since I got up this morning, talking my ears off, wanting to bake and decorate a cake and plan a party and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…  At least that’s how I feel. 

On top of being completely exhausted and drained emotionally, mentally, and physically from grief, childbirth, and three kids home during the summer, I feel horrible that I just don’t have the energy to be as excited as Lexi is.  I feel so guilty when I tell her I need some time alone or I get short with her because I just want to get through one complete thought without being interrupted. I would do anything to be able to let loose and enjoy the day and be excited to "celebrate" Hailey's birthday, but instead I feel horrible, like I’m walking around with a ton of bricks on my shoulders that I can’t seem to shrug off.   Gosh, now I feel bad that this post is so negative, but I guess that’s just the reality of where I am right now.

On a more positive note, I went by Hailey’s Place today so we could decorate for her birthday.  It's kind of a neat little tradition there that when a child has a birthday their family will decorate their stone, as well as leave little favors or cupcakes on the stones of the other children who's families they've met and gotten to know.  So Lexi picked out some cute little party favors and confetti to leave at some of Hailey's "friends" stones as well!  When we arrived and I saw that a bunch of people had already stopped by and left little notes, gifts, and flowers for Hailey my day was definitely brightened and it put a big smile on my face!  Tonight I’m going to dinner with my family at one of Hailey’s favorite restaurants and then we’re all going to Hailey’s Place to sing Happy Birthday and have some cake, so that should be nice.

Oh, and this morning while driving Ava to school a Lay’s truck passed right in front of us, which made me think that Hailey is here with us today!  I love her and miss her so much and I’m so grateful for my faith and the knowledge that I will get to be with her again one day!  I honestly can’t wait until then!  What a BEAU’FUL day that will be!


Well I have to say that my day ended much better than it began!  After writing the above bit I felt somewhat relieved…I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.  Later we went out to dinner and then had dessert at Hailey’s Place.  It was the most beautiful night ever.  The weather was perfect. 

I will admit that it was tough visiting her and thinking of what a 5 year old’s birthday should be like…definitely not like that.  I shouldn’t be singing Happy Birthday to my daughter on her 5th birthday at her gravesite.  But then again, I realized that it’s not really for me to determine what any birthday should be like.  I’m learning that the only way things should be or the only way they are “right” is exactly the way they are.  Does that make sense?  Things are the way they are because that’s exactly how they are supposed to be…otherwise they would be different.  (Not that I always agree or am okay with that!)  Anyways, that’s my deep thought for the day.

The Lord definitely blessed me today and I know that Hailey is the luckiest little girl to be able to celebrate her birthday with Him.  How many kids can say they celebrated their 5th birthday with Jesus and their Father in Heaven?

P.S. I forgot my camera when we went to visit Hailey, so these pictures are from my iPhone and not the best quality...but at least I've got something!!
So many people stopped by and left things!

Lexi wanted a princess theme because she thought that's what Hailey would be into if she were still here.  We happened to find a gold princess crown that says, "Angel" on it!   We also found confetti with Hailey's name!

Happy Birthday Hailey...We LOVE you!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

New Baby, New Emotions

I know it’s been quite a while since I’ve last written, but I do have a good excuse! As most of you already know, I just had a baby!  Our little Joey will already be one month old on Monday.  He’s been a wonderful, but chaotic addition to the family.  I don’t know how I did it with 3 kids before because I feel like I’m trying to learn the ropes all over again. 

It’s been wonderful having our little guy here and I often sit and stare at him wondering if Hailey is around.  I’m guessing she is because someone once told me that the closer your loved ones (who have passed away) are the more you miss them, which must be true because I’m am missing Hailey now more than ever.  I think when they’re close by it’s harder emotionally because you can subconsciously feel their presence but can’t physically see them or reach out and pull them to you in a big, huge hug.  Does that make sense?

I have to admit that I wasn’t the least bit prepared for the emotions and vulnerability having a new baby would rekindle.  I thought I was starting to heal from Hailey’s loss, but now I think I was fooling myself.  This past month, since Joey’s been born, I feel like I did the first month after Hailey died.  I’ve cried for her almost everyday and that wound in my heart is wide open again.  I’m sure some of it has to do with all the hormonal stuff and the sheer exhaustion of having a new baby, but I’m not quite sure where the rest of it came from.  All I know is that it’s been a lot more difficult than I had anticipated.  I miss her so much.  Looking at pictures of her, listening to music, hearing my girls laugh or cry, visiting her place, etc., etc., causes me to break down in tears.  She is on my mind 24 hours a day.

It’s very hard to see Lexi and Ava loving their little brother so much and not having Hailey here to experience it too.  Yes, I know she’s here spiritually.  I know she’s probably around him all the time, which is great and all, but I want to see it.  Hailey was so great with Ava when she was born!  She just adored her and I want to see that with her little brother. It may sound odd, but sometimes I feel guilty that I have all my kids here with me except for her.  I thought having Joey would make our family feel complete, which in some ways it does because he’s our last, but in other ways it feels so incomplete because Hailey’s not here.  I think in some ways I felt better knowing that she had her little brother up there with her and now that he’s here with us I feel like I took him away from her.  Now, I totally know that’s not really how it all works but my mind has an amazing way of making up great stories!

Anyways, I’m hoping that things will start to get easier again once life falls into a pattern of normalcy and we get used to our “new” little family.  Although, this next few months are going to be somewhat of a roller coaster.  Going back a couple months there have been some big events that have occurred that make missing Hailey that much harder: May - was Mother’s Day, June - Joey was born, July 20th – would be Hailey’s 5th birthday, August 11th – is 2 years since Hailey died, September – Hailey would have been starting Kindergarten, and so on.  That’s one of the worst things about grief…there’s always something.  And unfortunately the anticipation of those days/events is often much worse than the actual day/event itself.  I say unfortunately because the anticipation can start months before the day, whereas the actual day is over so quickly. 

I’m really working on just living in the now and enjoying this new precious gift that Hailey has sent us.  We do love our little guy!  I can’t wait to see him grow up and tell him all about his big sister.  He will know her just as well as the rest of us.  (He probably already does!)

I’m going to try to stay caught up now, but it’s often hard to find time to write because it’s such an emotional thing for me to do so I need it to be quiet (which is very rare in my house right now!) and I need to be in the right frame of mind.  By the end of the day, I’m so exhausted that I can’t handle the emotional side of writing, but I’m going to work on it because it’s a great release for me to get it all out.

Our first family photo after Joey was born!

My beautiful children

Joey's first visit with his big sister...