This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

If you'd like to start from the beginning, click on the beautiful, adorable picture of Hailey on the right hand column.

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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

A Boy!

Wow...I can't believe we're having a boy!  I have no idea what to do with that.  I've done girls...three of them to be exact, but a boy?  This will be quite interesting...and exciting!

It was so cool because the day Sean and I found out, I was driving home from the ultrasound, and I could literally feel Hailey sitting right next to me in the front seat just beaming away!  I'm still not sure if she was beaming out of excitement for this little bundle I believe she helped bring into the world, or if she was beaming at the thought of how funny it's going to be for her to watch me try to figure out what to do with a boy!  Either way, it's fine with me, I just loved the feeling of having her nearby to enjoy the experience with us.

I think that's one of the neat things about losing a loved one...I mean, if there really is anything neat about it.  But I feel so close to her all the time.  I feel like she's with me often.  I actually feel a lot closer to her now than I did when she was physically here.  For the first time in my life, I really feel that spiritual connection between this world and the world beyond and I know that it exists.  I think I'd give it up in a heartbeat to have her back, but I guess it will do for now.

Anyways, back to the boy thing.  I wanted to share a personal experience with you all.  Back when Sean and I were engaged I had a very vivid dream that we had a son.  He was about thirteen at the time and standing in my parents' kitchen telling them about how he wanted to go on a mission for our church when he turned nineteen.  I'm not sure why it struck me so strongly, but for some reason when I woke up I KNEW we were supposed to have a boy.  I even told Sean that we were going to have a boy one day.  And, I'm not one of those people who thinks every dream or experience in my life is a big spiritual message from God, but for some reason, this was different. 

Well we went on to have Lexi, then Hailey, then...Ava.  We knew we were done at three, so I was very taken aback when I found out Ava was a girl.  I think I even had the ultrasound lady check a couple times because I was so sure we were supposed to have a boy and yet I was even more sure we were DONE having kids!!!  I was kind of bummed that my dream turned out to be nothing, even though I had felt it so strongly for many years, but I also wasn't willing to feel it strong enough to have a fourth!!!  So I put it on the back burner, forgot about it, and loved having three girls.

Little did I know what God had in store for me, which is why I think He allowed me to forget about it for a while. He knew what was to come and that we would indeed have that little boy I dreamt about, even if I forgot about him for awhile.  I think on one hand He was laughing at the fact that I swore we were done having kids, blah, blah, blah...we love to think we can control God's plan for us!  Although, on the other hand He was probably also sad to know the circumstances that would actually bring us this boy I had the dream about. 

Fast forward a couple years...Hailey passes away, but for a year Sean and I still weren't emotionally ready to consider having another child and I still hadn't remembered the dream about having a boy.  Well, next thing we know, we decided that we might regret not having another baby down the road, but knew we would never regret having another one.  So, here I am...pregnant.  Sixteen weeks later, we go into the ultrasound and find out it's a boy!

Oh my gosh!  First off, I was glad to know that my spiritual sense was in tune and my dream really did mean something as I had originally thought.  I have to admit that it's definitely a bittersweet feeling to know that Hailey had to die for this little boy to be brought into the world, however I definitely don't believe that's the only reason she had to go.  I know there is much more to it than that. But, I do think it is a great blessing or gift for our sacrifice in her loss.

I definitely feel Hailey's hand in this pregnancy and know that she is up there with her little brother filling him in on all the ways to drive me crazy!  But more importantly, she'll be his own personal guardian angel when he gets here.  It's so crazy how life can turn out.  I mean, after having Ava we thought we were done having children and started moving on with our life...getting rid of all the baby stuff, etc.  It just blows me away that nine months after having Ava and thinking life was pretty good and moving forward in a great way, Hailey passes away unexpectedly, then a little over a year later we're pregnant and it's a boy.  It just goes to show you that God does have a plan and it's definitely not always our plan, but when all is said and done, if we just have faith, we'll quickly realize that He does know what's best for each of us and our lives.  Now, I'll be honest and admit that I'm still not exactly okay with the plan He's given us and I might even say I'd take my old life back in an instant, but I also know that this little boy is here for a reason and will bring us much joy that we would have never had in my original plan.

We decided to name him Joseph Hal, but we'll call him Joey!  Our original name was Joseph Daniel after my father and Sean's father, but Sean's older brother had a son named after Sean's dad, so since he already got his shout out, we decided to name our little guy after his own daddy!  (Hal is Sean's middle name and I like it because it has a little ring of Hailey to it him a connection to the big sister who helped bring him into this world!) 

I just had a comprehensive ultrasound on Monday to check for any anomalies similar to what Hailey had, but all looks perfect, so that is a huge relief.  (Hailey's condition was not hereditary, but just a total random thing that happened during fetal development.  And although my doctor told me many times that the odds of me having another child with TEF are the exact same as if I never had one with it, I still needed that peace of mind.)

So, there ya have it!!!  That's the current update on our new little angel coming into this world.  It has been emotionally bittersweet for me, but I already love this little guy so much and can't wait to see if he looks anything like our little Hailey!!!