Okay, so this is completely off topic from the last few posts, but those of you who know me well know that I'm not great at staying on one topic for very long anyways! I will, however, continue Hailey's story next post!
Anyways, tonight I had a major reality check. Sean and I were looking at some stuff on his computer and came across a video of Hailey at her 3rd birthday party. So far, I've only seen one 5 second video of her since she passed away. Seeing her physically moving and hearing her voice is just still far too painful. Well, for some reason, I wanted to see the birthday video. It was only a couple minutes long and showed her opening her Lay's potato chip t-shirt. I had the hugest smile on my face, yet the tears were flowing down my cheeks like Niagara Falls. Let me just say...It hurt. It hurt a LOT.
I forgot how big she was! It may sound so weird, but seeing her little hands opening that shirt and turning it all around to show everyone just reminded me that she was a little girl when she died. She had the mind of a 3 year old. Sometimes I equate her with Ava since I haven't seen her in so long, because honestly, they're probably about the same size now!! I forget that she could talk and have a conversation and get excited about things and anticipate events in the future. These were all normal 3 year old things that I guess I ridiculously took for granted while she was here.
Seeing her huge, excited smile as she opened that present and all of us so happy and "oohing and aahing," brought back so many emotions I hadn't realized were buried. I think sometimes I fool myself into thinking I'm okay because I stay so busy I don't deal with my grief outwardly. I've really tried to continue life almost as if my grief weren't there. I think that people I see on a day to day basis don't even realize or sometimes forget the pain and sadness that I'm carrying because I don't talk about it or show it on the outside. But it's there. Let me tell you, it's there, literally every second of every day.
I rarely look at pictures of her that I haven't already seen a million times. The ones I have around my house don't hurt as much because I've seen them so many times and gone over the memories attached to them so many times already. I have only watched that one 5 second video of her once, until the one of her birthday tonight. I don't really talk about my pain and grief outwardly because it's too difficult and uncomfortable. And I rarely, if ever, cry in front of people because the emotions attached to those tears are too raw and hard to control once I've started letting them go.
I miss my baby girl so much and I love her even more. My faith has helped carry me through this horrible trial and I take so much peace and comfort in knowing where Hailey is and how happy she is and that she is absolutely still alive in spirit. However, in all honestly, that faith in NO WAY negates my sadness and how much I miss her. I want her back. I want her back NOW! I don't want to wait until I die or the resurrection of Christ, whichever comes first, to see her again. That is just way too long.
Our family is not complete here on the earth anymore. It never will be. A HUGE part of it is missing and I want that back. I started thinking about the days when she was here and the times I thought life was so difficult. I was either exhausted from all her medical trials or beyond frustrated with all her constant yelling!!! But now, of course, I would do ANYTHING to have all that back...every single second of it.
I realized tonight that seriously, no matter how difficult life can seem at any point, it can be or get a lot worse. We really NEVER know what life has in store for us. I mean, really...if someone would have ever told me a year ago that this would be my life now, I would have laughed and called them CRAZY. I guess this means that we really should try to be grateful for what we have at any given moment and remain aware that it could all be taken away in literally one heartbeat. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not claiming that I'm outwardly or consciously grateful for what I have every second of every day, but I can honestly say that deep down inside I truly am. I still have an amazing husband, children, family and friends. We're healthy, have a nice home, and a stable income. All of those things, however, could disappear tomorrow. I have an awesome belief system. I am a member of a church unlike any other, that has lifted me up and pulled me through something that I would have thought beyond my realm of survival. I am blessed to have a knowledge of a loving Father in Heaven and Savior, Jesus Christ who are willing to lift this burden and pain from me when it seems to be too much.
I hope I don't get too "preachy," but I'm just being honest with how I feel, I guess because I can. I am in that dreaded club now. My worst nightmare has become my everyday reality. I've come to the decision that I do need to face that reality, outwardly and openly. A friend of mine just happened to approach me at church, out of the blue, on Sunday, with the name and number of a grief counselor that she has seen and highly recommends. So, I promised her I'd make an appointment, just to check it out. Even if I only go once, it can't hurt. Lexi loves her new therapist and seems to be opening up a little more about her emotions and feelings, and now I'm realizing it's my turn. I need to be emotionally healthy and stable for her. My greatest fear is that if I keep holding my grief back and pushing it inward and pretending like it's not there, one day I just might explode!!!
So, I'll keep you all updated on when I'm going and how it goes. If you don't hear anything about it in the next month or so, and you feel comfortable doing so, please ask me about it. I tend to flake out of stuff like that because it's difficult to go through with!! But I NEED to go, so I NEED all of you to hold me accountable!!!
Until then, I'm going to continue my story of Hailey's precious little life...