This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

If you'd like to start from the beginning, click on the beautiful, adorable picture of Hailey on the right hand column.

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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Another Baby In Our Future?

Something I'm finding that I'm really having a hard time with is this huge gap I have left between my two girls.  I always loved that my three girls were close enough to play together and laugh together and bond (and fight), but now I have five years between Lexi and Ava.  It feels so awkward and uncomfortable.  I struggle with it every single day.  Hailey filled such a special place in our family.  She was the perfect age to be a playmate for both Lexi and Ava.  Hailey was old enough to play Barbies with Lexi and watch some of the shows Lexi loved, but still young enough to play baby toys with Ava and watch shows like Baby Einstein.  She was happy doing either...the "big" girl stuff and the "baby" stuff.  It worked out great for her too because she was able to be a "big" girl with Lexi when she wanted to and also regress back to being a "baby" with Ava too!  Lexi and Ava really have nothing in common and that hurts.  I hate it.   

It's weird too because I never realized how many people I know who have three girls, and several that are all the same ages as mine.  That hurts too.  I see their little three year olds growing up, talking, playing, giggling, entering Primary at church and playing with their big and little sisters.  In some ways it's comforting to me, but honestly, it also really hurts.  I hate to say that because I don't want anyone to feel bad or uncomfortable when they're around me, so please know if you have three girls I still love you with all my heart.  :-)  

The void I feel and have is so huge.  One of the things I've always wanted was one of those huge family portraits that I could hang above my fireplace and would be the centerpiece of my living room...and alongside that, a beautiful portrait of my three girls together.  Now it's starting to hit me that I'll never have that.  Unfortunately, this is one of those things that our little Tinkerbell doll can't even begin to fill in.  

I just love my family!  Honestly, I felt like I had the perfect little family.  I had three girls...and loved having all girls!!!  They were the perfect amount of years apart.  Selfishly, I was proud to tell people I had three children.  I was proud that I was capable of raising them, caring for them, and keeping them healthy and happy in a loving home.  They are such good girls, too.  I just love them.  But now, in a way, that's all been shattered and we sit here in limbo trying to decide where to go from here.   

Do we have another baby?  I know many of you are wondering it and don't want to ask, so I'll ask for you!  And the answer is, we honestly don't know.  We weren't planning on it.  We were done.  Our family was complete.  We were so ready to move on from babyhood and start raising our girls.  And honestly, we were excited about it!  Now, we sit here, our plans gone awry, and having to wonder if we should have another baby someday.  To be honest, I don't want to (all for very selfish reasons). I have no desire to ever be pregnant again, have another baby, go through bottles and diapers and crawling and all that stuff.  I'm not a baby person at all.  I like when they can walk and talk (and pay their own bills)!  On the other hand, I don't feel right with just two physical children in my home.  It's lonely, weird, uncomfortable, calm...too calm.  

I've actually always felt like I was supposed to have four children, however when we had Ava, Sean and I both agreed that it's true when they say, "three's a crowd," and we were done.  But, now that Hailey isn't here physically with us, I have been left to wonder if that's why I felt like I was supposed to have four.  The Lord knew I would never have four because it was just too much for me and since I'm being honest here, I just didn't want to!  Of course,  I don't think that's why He took Hailey from us, but it does leave the door open for a fourth.  (It has been said that the Lord works in mysterious ways!)

But then I struggle with the thought of never having a complete family photo with all four of my children.  That would be something that would really bother me.  And I struggle with the fact that our new child would never have physically been in a picture with his/her big sister or even in the same room together for that matter.  These are things that I can't believe I even have to think about or deal with or struggle with.  I can't believe how life can turn sometimes!  

On the other hand, this child would be so special because he/she would always know that they were sent here by their older sister.  We would be able to tell them that they are here in our family because their older sister went to Heaven.  It was so important that they be a part of our family that she sent them here to be with us!  Who knows, maybe they would have a special connection with Hailey that I wouldn't even be aware of because they knew each other before.  

My last thoughts on the subject are that we feel like we would never regret having another baby, however in years to come, we may regret not having another one.  But then again, we really, really don't want one.  (Okay, so as I'm reading this to Sean right now, he feels that's a little harsh to say. Although, he is totally laughing! So he would like me to mention that he's a little worried that if we do have another child and they happen to stumble upon this blog and realize we're talking about him/her we may have a lot of explaining to do.  So if that happens, just know that we only had you because we finally decided we wanted to!)  The other thing I've always said before I even had children was that I always wanted three so that if something happened to one of them, the other wouldn't be left alone.  Did I ever think that would be my reality...ummm, no!  Anyways, I'm rambling on now.

So, at this moment, here's where Sean and I stand on the issue.  We honestly don't know yet if we will ever have another baby.   Our minds change daily, sometimes even secondly.  And obviously, right now, we are no where near emotionally ready to make that decision.  We have decided that we will wait to get through all our "firsts" without Hailey.  I was so unprepared for how difficult Christmas would be for me, so I'm literally terrified at how difficult her fourth birthday and the one year anniversary of her passing will be.  I definitely wouldn't want to be pregnant going through all that.  I want to be free to feel and experience those emotions.  Then after all the firsts are over, we'll deal with the thought of another child.  There's a good chance that we'll want to just take a break, rest and enjoy the two beautiful girls that we still have here with us.  Who knows.

(Although...if we did have another baby I like the name Celeste for a girl because it means heavenly and that would represent her connection with her big sister.  And we would name a boy, Joseph Daniel, and call him Joey, after his two awesome grandfathers!  So, Celeste or Joey, if you're reading this, just know that we love you with all our hearts and this was written during a difficult time in our lives...and we only had you because we absolutely wanted you!)  :-)

Friday, January 22, 2010

Another Tender Mercy

I had the neatest experience today that I felt inclined to share.  It's kind of a personal and sacred experience, so I hope you read it as such.  
Tonight Sean and I were planning on going to the Mormon Temple in Newport Beach.  For those of you who are not familiar with what our temple is let me first explain that it is not where we go to church on Sundays.  We actually have a regular building and chapel for that.  I looked on the official LDS website to see how they explained what exactly the purpose of our temples are and here is how it's explained: To members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the temple is the "House of the Lord." It is a sacred building, and after its dedication only faithful members of the Church may enter. Inside, members learn more about the purpose of life and make covenants to serve Jesus Christ and their fellow man. In addition, they participate in religious ceremonies that reach beyond mortality, such as baptisms on behalf of deceased ancestors and eternal marriage.  Hopefully that will help you understand a little of what it is, but if you have further questions about our temples you can also find more info on our official website and at the following link:,11264,1904-1,00.html.  

Now back to my story.  I decided that I wanted to fast (abstain from food and drink) for the day so that I would feel closer to the Lord and my little Hailey while in the temple.  (Fasting and prayer is something we use to help prepare ourselves for more spiritual experiences, help bring us closer to God, and help us prepare to receive blessings from the Lord.) Since we weren't going to the Temple until 8:30pm, I wasn't sure I could go without eating until that late at night and then still be able to focus.  So...instead, and this may sound very weird to a lot of people, but I decided to fast from Diet Coke for the day.  Okay...stop laughing and just go with me here.  Diet Coke is my major vice and I drink quite a bit of it a day.  (I've already heard all the lectures!) Anyways, I felt like it really would be a big sacrifice for me to go without it for the entire day.  So I prayed about it the night before and told the Lord that I really hoped He didn't feel like I was mocking Him by using this as a fast, but it seriously was a sincere sacrifice on my part.  

Well, of course I ended up getting a major headache, but I stuck it out.  Around 6:30, I called one of the lady's we were going with to see if they just wanted to meet there and was informed that the dates got mixed up and it's actually next Friday that we're supposed to go!!!  WHAT??  You mean I seriously went without a Diet Coke ALL the live long day for NO reason!  OMG!  So as soon as I found that out I ran upstairs to say a prayer, break my fast, and crack open that cold, fizzy, caffeinated piece of heaven!  While I was praying though, I did ask Heavenly Father to still help me feel my little Hailey's spirit nearby me tonight since that was my intention all day and I was really looking forward to being there tonight.  

Now, since I was all showered, dressed nicely, with my hair done and makeup on (a rare occasion lately!) I decided to see if my hubby wanted to go out to dinner with me!  Of course, he was all for it.  Not that he really had a choice because if he said no, he knew it would be Hamburger Helper for dinner!  So with my head literally pounding beyond belief, we made it off to dinner.  As we were waiting to be seated, I went to the bathroom (yes, this part has a point!).  I was kind of talking to Hailey in my head telling her how I wished I could have gone to the temple and felt her presence close to me there.  (Since we do believe it is the House of the Lord, the atmosphere is so reverent and spiritual and many miracles occur there.)   I also reminded the Lord that I had "fasted" for that purpose and asked that He would let me know that He was proud of me and not offended at my choice of Diet Coke!  So as I was walking out of the bathroom here is what happened:  Me (in my head), "I really wish I'd find a dime so that I know that Hailey..."  Me (physically), I look down and before I even finish my sentence there on the ground in between two bar stools is none other than a dime!!!  No kidding!!!  I immediately knelt down and picked it up with the hugest smile ever on my face.  (Sometimes I wonder if people look at me when they see the excitement upon my face at the sight of a dime and think, "Wow this recession must really be hitting her hard!")  Anyways, my point is...The Lord blessed me for my "sacrifice" and sincerity in it.  And Hailey was there with me in spirit.  It was the neatest experience!  He is so full of those tender mercies.  We just need to be willing to have faith and believe.

Just thought I'd share.

Thursday, January 21, 2010


One thing that I still physically and emotionally struggle with literally every minute of every day is fear.  I have ALWAYS worried about something happening to someone in my family.  Now that it has, and to my child of all people, I am beyond terrified that something will happen again.  I've realized that things like this CAN and DO happen to me.  My biggest fear is losing another family member.  I really think it would kill me if that happened again.  Family is the most important and precious thing in the world to me.  And I'm so grateful (and proud) of the fact that I am so close with my family.  We are all best friends and have an absolute BLAST together!  We have laughed and cried, picked one another up, supported one another, and made it through every single major event in our lives both happy and sad TOGETHER!!!  They are my rock.  Not only my immediate family, but my extended family and in-laws as well.  Even my mother and my mother-in-law are the best of friends.  I think they talk more to each other than they do to me!!  

Now I already know that I shouldn't worry about things that I can't control...yadda, yadda, yadda.  But honestly, I still do and it still terrifies me.  Every single time I put my girls to bed or check on Ava during her nap or watch my sister or husband walk out the door or leave Lexi at school...etc., etc. all I can think about is what I would do if they didn't wake up or return home that day.  The pit in my stomach grows daily and the fear sometimes makes me feel sick.  I definitely cherish my relationships with people more and although we've always been a family of "I love you's," I try to say it even more now than ever before.  

Of course, my faith does help a little with the fear, but on the other hand, I've come to realize that the Lord doesn't always take what I want into consideration.  Apparently, He seems to think He knows what's best for me!  :-)  Every single time I say my prayers, the first thing I do is thank Him for my family and friends and I do so sincerely.  If it's true that He knows me better than I even know myself, than He definitely knows that I mean it with every fiber of my being.  And for some reason, I always thought that since I had such immense gratitude in my heart and expressed it several times daily, I would be safe from the trial of losing one of them.  Obviously, it's not all about that.  Now, I've learned not only to express my gratitude, but to also ask Him to watch over and protect them, and if for some reason it's in His plan to bring one of them home sooner that I expected, I always ask Him to give me the strength I need to survive it.  I think it's important not to always ask for what we want, but instead to ask for the strength and faith to deal with what we get because usually what we get is really what's best for us.  

Along that note, I've also come to realize that Hailey's passing isn't necessarily all about me.  Every once in a while, I forget that the world revolves around the sun and not me!  But on a serious note, there are so many other people out there who have been touched by Hailey's passing, so maybe it's all about them.  Or maybe it's all about her and what she deserved out of this life...a break from the constant struggles she lived with.  Anyways, the only thing I can do is continue on, having faith, trying to do the best I can, so when I see my baby girl and my Father in Heaven again face to face, they'll both look at me with a smile and tell me how proud they are of me.  Now that would be compensation!

So, in closing, at this point I literally take it moment by moment and try to seriously enjoy each minute I have with my loved ones because we really have NO idea when their (or our) time will come.  It does terrify me and even my faith doesn't take the fear away.  But I will push through the fear and continue to pray for some sense of peace, knowing that if something does happen, the Lord will continue to carry me as he has already through the loss one of my most precious children, my little Hailey.

I love you my family and friends.  

Sunday, January 17, 2010

A Few Good Stories!

I've been thinking of what my next topic should be to write about and then I realized that I had a few neat stories to share.  First off, I have to say that I am seriously so blessed.  The Lord has been so good to me throughout this trial.  He has allowed Hailey to be close to me and send me sign after sign to show me she is still here with me in spirit.  How lucky am I?

Now I'm going to rat myself out for a second, but I have good reason to!  Today at church we had what's called Stake Conference.  Each ward consists of members from certain boundaries, which is great because we all live close by and always go together at the same time and therefore get to know each other very well and form a family.  A stake is a bunch of wards in a certain area combined together.  That's a really simple explanation, but my point is what we call Stake Conference, which is when all the wards get together and listen to the appointed stake leaders give messages and words of insight.  Well, since there are so many more people there than normal it's kind of easy to "take the day off" because no one really can tell if you're there or not.  So, I was very much considering "taking the day off!"  But something kept telling me that I needed to be there.  So I ended up getting up and going!  I am so glad I did!  The first talk started out with the speaker talking about a couple he counseled who lost their 5 year old daughter in a tragic accident.  Ummm...a little close to home for me!  But I figured there's a reason for this.  He then went on to say that he was concerned for them because of their anger at God for taking their daughter away.  The funny thing is, I literally have never once felt angry at God for any of this happening...not even during Hailey's entire life when she had so many medical problems.  I've become one for trials...not that I'm asking for any more or enjoy them!  But I've found that I have the attitude of, "When this is all over, I can't wait to see what I've learned, been blessed with, and become."  I know that I can sit around and be angry with God and be miserable and expect everyone to feel sorry for me, or I can be grateful to have had Hailey in my life for 3 years and for the knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and what it means for me, Hailey, and my family in the future.  I am grateful that we have been sealed in the Temple and therefore will remain a family for all eternity.  Well, of course, I'm going to choose the path of gratitude.  I would be embarrassed to honor Hailey's memory with anger and misery.  Now, please don't get me wrong...I am sad, devastated in fact, and yes, I sob hysterically at times, but when it's all over I feel at peace again knowing that I'm being carried and if I didn't have the knowledge and faith that I do, I'd be so much worse off.  Anyways, the whole point of that first talk in church today was quoted by the speaker when he said, "The true test is how we respond to such tragedies and trials in our lives.  Do we respond with anger or gratitude for the One who came down and made it okay."  Of course, that One who came down and made it okay is none other than Jesus Christ, who gave His life for us and then rose again so that I can be with my precious, little Hailey again!  Wow...what more could I ask for? 

On another note, I had the neatest experience the other day.  It was seriously so surreal and you really had to be there to truly understand how amazing it was, but I'll do my best to describe it to you.  First, let me say, that I truly believe that babies and young children can see real angels beyond the veil.  I have said many times that I think Ava can see Hailey at times that we can't.  Since Ava never really got to know Hailey, I often wonder if she comes around and visits her.  If this freaks you out, I apologize.  It's not necessarily my church's doctrine, it's just a belief that I personally have.  There have been many times when Ava will look up at the ceiling or wall and stare and smile and I see nothing!  It's so weird.  Anyways, back to my experience.  Lexi and I went to Golden Spoon (a frozen yogurt place for you non-Southern Californians) and then decided to go visit Hailey.  We got her a side of strawberries, her favorite, to leave there.  While we were sitting in the car eating our ice cream, I was sitting on the edge of the car feeding some to Ava.  All of a sudden she looked up at the sky, pointed, and said hi.  (She just started pointing and saying hi and bye!)  I looked up and saw nothing but blue...not a cloud, bird, tree, airplane, UFO, nada!!!  Then she started smiling and cooing, which then turned into full on giggles.  I mean she was totally laughing and pointing and cooing.  Lexi looked at me and said, "Mom, I swear she sees something."  I told her I was thinking the same thing, but there was nothing there.  Lexi then said, "Maybe it's Hailey!"  So we continued to watch her and this literally went on for about a full minute.  She wouldn't take her eyes away from what she was looking at, even when we tried to get her attention.  All of a sudden, she waved and said bye and then started to cry for a second.  It was the most surreal, unexplainable experience.  I was so shocked by it.  Now, I'm not saying she for sure saw Hailey.  Of course, I'd like to think that's what was going on, but who knows for sure.  I just felt so at peace and enjoyed watching the random joy in Ava's face.  So I just thought I'd share that with you.  (Oh and one other tidbit...when we were paying at Golden Spoon, Lexi yelled, "Mom look!"  There in the tip jar was one penny and one dime!!!  How cool!!  For me at least, maybe not the workers...11 cents is not much to split!)

And one last funny story for those of you who I don't see on Facebook.  Lexi has really taken a liking to that cardboard cutout of Hailey.  I think because it's life size and looks so real she feels really close to Hailey when she's around it.  She literally has it standing in her room when she goes to bed and in the morning she'll stand it in front of Ava's crib and read them both books (She used to read to Hailey every morning.).  She also tells Hailey about her day at school and how much she misses her.  I am totally okay with it because she does leave it when it's time...she's not ditching her friends to play with it or asking to take it places with us or anything like that!  So the other day while Lexi was at school I went in to put Ava down for her nap.  Well there in Lexi's bed all tucked in under the covers was the cardboard cutout of Hailey!!!  I literally almost pooped in my pants!  I jumped about 20 feet and almost dropped Ava.  Hailey's head was resting on the pillow and the rest of her body was tucked into the covers.  She seriously looked so real.  I didn't know whether to laugh or I laughed and then posted it on Facebook, in hopes that it would make someone else chuckle too!  One thing I've learned through this entire experience is that although it is tragic, you still need to laugh at times and have a sense of humor about certain things!  That's the only thing that will get you through!!!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Newspaper Article on The Hailey Mayz Foundation!

I just wanted to share this article that was printed in the newspaper from the town Sean grew up in!  It was on the front page!  I also wanted to thank each and every one of you for helping to make Hailey's foundation possible through your generous donations and also for the emotional support you have given us through notes, thoughts, prayers, my blog, etc.  We are truly blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives.

P.S.  I want to give a special thanks to Savannah Stuckey for coming up with the slogan of Hailey's Halo.  We couldn't have thought of anything better!!!  It is so perfect!!

Click on the link below to read the story!  (The little girl in the picture is one of the children we were able to help!)

With Much Love,

Have a beau'ful day.