This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Sunday, February 20, 2011


Among all the other emotions I’m currently dealing with is that of guilt.  The guilt that is piling up over putting my family and children through my emotional turmoil is weighing on me like a ton of bricks.  It literally makes me sick to my stomach.  I know they are there for me, but it doesn’t mean I’m okay with taking that support and needing them all the time.  I just want to be normal and happy.  I know how when someone around you is down all the time it can definitely start to wear on you and I just don’t want to do that to my family and friends.  I’m so independent and absolutely HATE needing and/or asking for help.

As I laid in bed awake all freaking night while sick, I constantly felt this sweet, precious baby moving all around and then of course, begin to worry frantically.  Are all the emotional up and downs going to affect him, the constant anger, crying and worrying?  Is my being sick and on my third antibiotic this pregnancy going to hurt him?  Is my lack of sleep and eating going to cause him stress or pain?  I’m now wondering if I should have waited longer, until I was through all this stuff, to get pregnant again.  My poor little boy is already coming into the world under a whirlwind of emotion.  I was doing really well when I got pregnant.  I thought I was on the upswing.  I definitely had no idea I was headed for such emotional turmoil.  I’m sure the pregnancy contributes to my emotional state in many ways, but that’s not the baby’s fault, so the thought that any of this could be affecting him causes me a lot of guilt.  I really hope and pray that he is resting comfortably and not being subjected to what is going on with his mother on the outside. 

The guilt that I feel over these freaking mood swings is beyond words.  I’m sick over it.  I love my girls so much and hate the fact that they have to be around me when I’m emotionally struggling.  Lexi is the happiest, bubbliest little girl ever.  No joke, I often call her my perfect child because in so many ways she is. (Yes, and in some ways she isn’t, but honestly, very few!)  I would do anything for her, but the one thing I really want to do, just be a normal, happy go lucky, fun to be around, mom, I just can’t.  It doesn’t seem to phase her at all on the outside, although, every once in a while when I’m really grumpy, she totally puts me in my place.  But, I don’t know what it does to her on the inside.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a crazy psycho mom to her or anything, just sometimes impatient or easily frustrated, but those times are so unpredictable to me (and her), which is why I feel so darn guilty.  I don’t know what I would ever do without her and her pure unconditional love.  She is my rock, in a lot of ways.  She keeps me grounded, gives me a reason to get up every morning and keep going and trying.  She is amazing.  So when I get angry with her or yell at her for some small thing the guilt I feel inside is overwhelming. 

And then there’s little Ava.  I feel extreme guilt at my impatience with her sometimes.  Those of you who have had kids know perfectly well how frustrating and difficult a 2-year old can be at times.  Normally, I’d be able to deal with it, but when my mind is already completely overloaded and overwhelmed, those little 2-year old hiccups can seem like the end of the world to me.  Having a demanding 2-year who needs and wants my attention all day everyday is so overwhelming to me.  It’s hard to find a moment to just calm down and think.  I feel like I’m going to miss out on her entire childhood being frustrated, rather than enjoying her.  She’s so darn cute and I just love her with all my heart.  Sometimes when I check on her at night while she’s sleeping I just want to hold her perfect, quiet, still little body in my arms for hours (but I wouldn’t dare wake her up!).  I know she probably won’t really remember any of this or that she even thinks anything is wrong, but I will and that kills me inside causing more guilt.

Continuing on with the pile of guilt, I feel horrible that my husband is trying to work a full time job in a new position and then have to worry about me and my sudden relapse of grief.  Having to come home to a wife who is overwhelmed, sad, emotional, etc. can’t exactly be enjoyable.  I want to be someone he’s excited to see at the end of the day, who’s waiting at the door smiling when he comes home, who he looks forward to hanging out with because we have such a good time together, etc.  But honestly, right now, I don’t think I’m any of those things.  I just hope and pray that someday soon I will be again.  I have to say though that he handles me with such ease.  He is seriously the most non-judgmental person I have ever met.  He is my rock and I honestly don’t know if I would still be functioning without him. 

Lastly, there’s the guilt I feel for my family and friends.  I’m surprised they still answer the phone when I call.  They never know what they’re going to get.  Sometimes I’m happy and joking and laughing and others I’m the pure definition of negativity.  Unfortunately, right now, it’s usually the latter.  I know they love me unconditionally and are there for me no matter what, but as I said earlier, I’m sure it gets old and draining for them as well. 

Seriously, the constant guilt I feel for what I’m going through and all those around me is overwhelming and at times completely consuming.  It keeps me up at night.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  It makes me angry.  It makes me sad.  I wish there was a way to accept who I am right now and what I’m going through and even be okay with it, but there’s not and I’m not.  I’m just so grateful that I have such wonderfully, amazing, unselfish, people around me who consistently surprise me with their support and unconditional love.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Yet Another Rough Day.

 Yesterday was another tough day, seems like the theme lately.  Actually this entire week has been very tough, but yesterday was the peak of it.  I’ve been really sick with a sinus infection and unable to sleep for about 5 days.  I literally wake up every single night for a minimum of 2-3 hours.  A lot of thinking goes on while laying there in silence as everyone else is sound asleep, which isn’t always great for the troubled soul.  So, on top of being really sick, I was beyond exhausted…physically, mentally, & emotionally.

It hit me hardest yesterday.  When Ava went down for a nap, I tried so hard to get some rest, but still couldn’t manage to get comfortable and fall asleep.  After an hour of laying there and thinking about my little Hailey non-stop, I finally broke down and cried.  Actually I did more than cry, I sobbed hysterically, almost as if I were back to the day when Hailey first died.  My whole body ached for her.  I missed her so much and for about an hour, I allowed myself to wallow in that misery.

One of the things I’ve been struggling with the most is the fact that she would be starting Kindergarten this Fall.  I have so many friends right now who have children Hailey’s age so it’s really hard to see them going to all the school meetings, orientations, etc.  I can’t help but continually think of Hailey and how excited she (and me, even more so) would have been.  I want nothing more than to be able to see her in her classroom and look at all the work she brings home.  I remember how excited Lexi was at Back To School night when she got to show us all the stuff she was doing and how fun it was to help out in her classroom.  She would beam when I’d walk through that door.  I want that with Hailey, too.  Not to mention, how fun it would be to have both Hailey and Lexi in school together.  Anyways, I already know it doesn’t help to dwell on all that, but I really don't care if it helps or not, I still do it at times. 

Anyways, after crying my eyes out for about an hour, I finally fell asleep for a little bit.  When Ava and I woke up, I decided to take some flowers over to Hailey’s Place.  (I take her fresh flowers every week.)  While there I sat and talked to her for a while.  I don’t normally talk out loud to her when I’m there, it’s just not really my thing.  I’ll say hi and stuff, but I don’t usually sit and converse with her out loud.   Yesterday was different.  I missed her so much I just wanted to talk to her and tell her everything, although in a lot of ways I believe she already knows.  Anyways, after telling her how much I missed her and ached for her and how difficult the past few weeks have been I finally kissed her little picture and said goodbye and asked her to let me know she’s around.  When I drove away, the first traffic light I hit was red.  As I stopped, a huge Lay’s potato chip truck came right across the intersection in front of me!!!  Of course, I started to cry again, but this time tears of joy.  I knew at that moment that she was there with me right then and knew all I was going through and most importantly, that she still loves me! 

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Rough Day

So today I hit another rough patch.  I don't know why and that's one of the hardest things about grieving, you never really know when it's going to hit or why it does, but when it does there's really not much you can do about it.  This was one of those days.

It was supposed to be a great day.  I had a church activity this morning with the young women (ages 12-18), then an appointment to get my nails done, and lastly, Kim and I were supposed to go to the mall shopping for maternity clothes.  I was so excited to go shopping...for me!  I never go shopping for myself.  I even cleaned out and reorganized my entire closet this week to get ready for my little spree!

Then today came.  I woke up not feeling well, which already put a damper on things.  On top of that, when I woke up I was just coming out  of a dream about Hailey.  I was giving her a bath, there was no verbal communication, but just seeing her face and life back in her little body was enough to invoke a lot of pain.  Those dreams suck.  When you wake up it almost feels like you've just lost the person all over again.  It's like she was right there within my reach, but I just couldn't grasp her and hold on tight enough to bring her back out of the dream with me.  It made me really miss her a lot.

So here I was on one of the most beautiful days of the year (It was 80 degrees, sunny, not a cloud in the sky...), yet I just couldn't seem to enjoy one darn second of it.  Physically I felt horrible and emotionally I felt even worse.  Why?  Why today when I was supposed to have a fun, relaxing day?  I guess that's the million dollar question, with no real answer.

I went to my church activity, but didn't do much (sorry everyone!).  Then during my nail appointment they seriously played the saddest music ever (Think Chicago.), so I literally had to hold back tears several times.  Here I was getting my nails done on an absolutely gorgeous day and it took all the strength I had not to break down.  I couldn't stand being around all those cheerful people when I was absolutely miserable.  I just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible.

Afterwards, I was tempted to put a smile on my face and still go shopping.  I knew being around my sister would cheer me up a bit, at least on the outside.  But, unfortunately, I also knew that on the inside I would still be a mess.  I wouldn't enjoy one minute of being at the mall around a ton of people pretending like all was well in my life.  And, even though I'd have some new clothes to show for it, they wouldn't ease the pain I was feeling inside.  

Then I remembered what my therapist had told me.  She said that the fastest way to get through these emotions is to embrace them and face them head on, even though at the moment its the hardest thing to do.  Half of me wanted so badly to shove them inside, as I used to do, and pretend like nothing was wrong because in a lot of ways that's much easier to do than the alternative.  The alternative being to face my sadness head on, cry, scream, whatever I needed to do to get it out.  As she told me, if I keep holding it inside it will just fester and continue growing until eventually there's just no room left and it has to come out.  That could end up being 10 years from now.  But, the thing is, I don't want it to be 10 years from now, I want to feel better!  

So, as I had decided when I first saw her again, I did exactly what she suggested.  I feel like over the past few weeks I hit my rock bottom and the only way to go up now is to take her suggestions and advice seriously.  I promised myself I would do whatever she suggested, no matter how difficult because she is so amazing and I know she can help me a lot.  

I called my sister and told her I just wasn't up for going to the mall, finally being honest with myself and therefore everyone else. (Of course, Kim was amazing about it.)  Yet inside, I was so disappointed and angry that I wasn't up for it.  Why did I have to feel like this today?  Why couldn't I just freaking enjoy the weather, my sister, shopping, etc.?  I was so angry.

I decided to face the emotions I was feeling head on, so I drove over to Hailey's Place, sat down on a towel in front of her stone (decorated so cute for Valentine's Day), and just cried.  I cried and talked to her and cried some more.  I cried for her.  I cried for myself.  I cried for the beautiful day I was missing out on.  I just cried.  But most importantly, I cried it all out.  Instead of pushing those feelings down and trying to pretend they weren't there, I let them literally flow out.  It was hard.  I hate to cry, but I knew it was the only way to truly feel relief.

It worked.  Although, I'm still bummed about how today turned out, I was actually able to enjoy my evening a little.  Kim came by to check in and it was great hanging out with her for a bit.  Then Sean, Lexi, and I sat around the table for a couple hours, chatting, and making Valentine's for Lexi's class.  (They all have to be handmade!)  My sadness and anger subsided and I was able to relax with my family.  I'm exhausted, but all in all, I feel very relieved.

Thursday, February 10, 2011


This was written on Monday February 7, 2011

Well now that my whole life is out on the table, I’m feeling both worse and a little better.  It feels really good to free, but also very exhausting since all my emotions are on the surface now.  I have a long way to go and right now I feel a lot like I did the first few days or weeks after Hailey died.  I have countless books on grieving, that I’ve never even picked up…until today. 

I want to remind you all that it’s extremely difficult for me to open up like this and the vulnerability that I feel is beyond terrifying and overwhelming.  The reason I feel so strongly about doing so is for one, to be honest with myself, but even more importantly, is to hopefully help even one person out there who may be grieving as I am to realize that they are normal and someone understands what they are going through…Me, I understand, maybe not your own personal grief, but I understand what grief feels like and does to a person.  So for a little while, at least, my blog is going to take a slightly different turn and focus more on what grief is, feels like and what you can do (and not do) to help those you know who are going through this.

I’m also not going to focus on every aspect of grief, but mainly just the ones I’m dealing with.  Not to be selfish, but because those are the ones I’m obviously experience in and therefore feel the need to share with those who know me well.  These entries will probably be somewhat long and may be difficult for most of you to relate to, so please just bear with me.  I completely understand if they don’t interest you or if you don’t want to read them.

For some reason, I guess I thought all the grief books wouldn’t apply to me.  I was different.  I was stronger. I had faith and a strong belief in God and His eternal plan.  So therefore I was exempt to the actual grieving process.  Well I was quite wrong, apparently, I’m no different than any other fellow “griever.” I may be strong, but not strong enough, and having faith and a strong belief in God doesn’t negate the fact that I’m devastated (and angry) that my daughter died.  So, today while Ava was napping I just grabbed a book and started leafing through it (mainly to see if I was “normal”).  Well, it turns out that yes, I am “normal!”  Actually, I’m 100% textbook normal. So, I wanted to share some of the things I’ve read so far that describe me and what I’m going through that I couldn’t have explained better myself.

The first thing I wanted to share is what I read on anger, because I am experiencing that emotion the most right now.  This comes from the book, On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler.  I’m going to list the quotes in italics as I read them and add my personal comments in parenthesis.

 “At first, the fact that you lived through the loss is surprising to you.  (So true.)  Then more feelings hit, and anger is usually at the front of the line as feelings of sadness, panic, hurt, and loneliness also appear, stronger than ever.  Loved ones and friends are often taken aback by these feelings, because they surface just as you were beginning to function at a basic level again.”  (That last statement hit the nail on the head.)

“The truth is that anger has no limits.”  (That is absolute truth.)

“If we ask people to move through their anger too fast, we only alienate them.  Whenever we ask people to be different than they are or to feel something different, we are not accepting them as they are and where they are.  Nobody likes to be asked to change and not be accepted as they are.  We like it even less in the midst of grief.”

(I love this because I truly feel my church embraces this concept.)  
“Today, most churches and clergy understand it is not unusual for people to feel anger toward God….They allow it and are not put off if you speak of it.”  (I can’t say I actually feel a lot of anger towards God, Himself, but instead the anger is more at the fact that He won’t take all the pain away.)

(This is from a clergyman from an unspecified religion, but I loved so much what he said.)  “Once you allow yourself to feel and speak out the anger, you may find that your God is strong enough to handle your anger, strong enough to feel compassion and love for you, even in the midst of your anger at him.”  (AMEN!)

“Underneath anger is pain, your pain.  People often tell us our anger is misplaced, inappropriate, or disproportionate.  Some people may feel your anger is harsh or too much.  (Luckily, I’ve never received that reaction from others, but I do feel that way towards myself all the time.)  It is their problem if they don’t know how to deal with it.  It is your job (my job) to honor your anger by allowing yourself to be angry.”  (This is tough for me.  I hate feeling angry and often feel very guilty for it.)

“The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love…Anger may take on many forms.  (Couldn’t be truer for me.)  Unfortunately, however, anger can isolate you from friends and family at the precise time you may need them the most.”  (I feel that this has happened to me quite a bit over the last year.  I’m definitely not nearly as social as I used to be.  So please bear with me and know it’s nothing personal against anyone!)

“You may experience feelings of guilt, which is anger turned inward on yourself.  But you are not to blame.  If you could change things, you would, but you can’t.  (That last sentence hit home hard for me because it couldn’t be more true of how I feel every single day.  I feel so guilty all the time and I would do anything to change things.)  Anger affirms that you can feel, you did love, and you have lost.”

“The power of your anger may overwhelm you because for some it may be in proportion to the amount of lost love that it represents.  (That of a child is beyond any amount describable.) It may seem that if you go into the pain, you will never come out of it or that the pain will never end.  (I think that’s why it’s taken me so long to finally face the true pain I feel.)

Hopefully this gives you all a little insight into where my anger is coming from and being directed to.  Also, for those of you out there reading this who are also dealing with the anger that stems from grief, hang in there and know that you too, are very normal.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

On My Way...

Now that there’s a new break in my grieving process and I'm in a whole new phase, I’ll probably be blogging a lot more regularly again, therefore I'm not going to update it on my Facebook page every time.  So, if you're interested in following this new turn of events, please check back regularly. 

I can’t even begin to express my gratitude and the newfound strength I feel after all your supportive comments.   I think that the last thing I need right now is advice and the first thing I need is validation and justification, which is what you’ve all given to me.  Gosh, I am so blessed with the most amazing people in my life, every single one of you! 

Today I saw my therapist and feel so much better, although I’m also very cautious.  These feelings seem to come in ridiculous waves, and hit hard at times, but I’ll take whatever peace and comfort I can get for as little or as long as I can get it.  As she said, I will slowly start to notice the wavelengths getting wider and wider in between.  She gave me some great strategies on how to manage these emotions, mainly the anger I feel and help to push through it.

For those of you who are wondering what strategies I’m talking about, or who need some ideas themselves, the one thing she told me that I think will help the most is to embrace the feelings I have, not feel guilty about them, but accept them, allow them full force, and journal them.  Not just for my blog, but a whole separate writing for my eyes only that is very candid and 100% brutally honest. The anger needs somewhere to go, so she said to get it out by writing exactly how I feel even if my thoughts seems absolutely horrible.  Then, when I’m finished shred it or delete it forever, but most importantly, get it out…every single thought and feeling.  She also suggested screaming and yelling and punching pillows, etc.  I’m not so sure that’s quite my style, especially with kids home, but who knows maybe during Ava’s naptime! 

I think the journaling will be my best bet at this point because I already know how much better I feel just blogging.  Anyways, that’s the scoop as of today.  Check back tomorrow.

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Real Grief Is Setting In

This was actually written on Friday, Feb 4th, but I’m just now feeling up to posting it.

Warning:  This is very long and heavy with emotional stuff, but also necessary for me to write.

I can’t believe I’m actually going to do this, but I’ve finally decided to share with all of you what I’m really going through.  I’m probably going to be more candid and make myself way more vulnerable than I have ever been before in my life (and those of you who know me well know that I’m usually an open book.)  But I can no longer hold it all in and feel like I’m living a lie. 

Honestly, I’m not doing very well right now.  Emotionally, I’m on the verge of a breakdown, literally.  I don’t even think I was aware of how bad off I was emotionally until I hit rock bottom and had to face it. I decided to write out everything I was feeling and going through so I could somehow make some sense of it.  Well, once I started to write, I almost couldn’t stop.  The real me…the real emotion and pain I’m feeling came flooding out and actually shocked me quite a bit.   I guess I thought that by keeping my true pain and grief to myself, it would protect me, but instead I think it’s hurt me because I’m now completely drowning in it.  I’m so overwhelmed I can’t even put it into words.

Don’t get me wrong, because everything I’ve written in my blog so far is the absolute truth and how I feel at that moment, but I think there’s more to the truth that I’ve kept inside for so long.  For some reason, this week, I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom and literally almost checked myself into a hospital for evaluation.  I’m dying inside and feel like I can’t get out.

I don’t know why I feel like I need to share it with everyone, but I think I’m just so exhausted from trying to deal with it alone.  It’s been a year and a half and I think my biggest fear is that someone might actually think I should be over it by now or at least getting better, but realistically, I’m worse.  I am terrified that if I show my true emotions people aren’t going to want to be around me anymore because I’ll be a total downer or it will be an uncomfortable thing for them to have to deal with.  And honestly, it is.  It sucks.  Not only for me, but for all those who are personally involved with me.

I’m not even sure I’ve truly allowed myself to grieve because the sheer pain of it at times is literally almost too much to bear, so it’s easier for me to continually push it down and away and pretend like it’s not there.  It also terrifies me because I hate who I am right now.  I hate feeling angry and frustrated and miserable all the time.  I’m so tired.  My mind is chaos and every little thing that doesn’t go as planned or adds slightly to the chaos overwhelms me to the point of rage.

I’ve was seeing an amazing therapist for my grief and I guess I slacked off because I felt like I was doing better, but I’m not…actually I’m now doing WAY worse.  So I’ve reconnected with her.  I sat down one day, bawling my eyeballs out and listed, very openly and candidly, everything I’ve been feeling.  I’m actually going to show you all the list because I want everyone who knows me well to understand exactly what I’m going through and know that if I’ve ever been mean or grumpy or anything other than pleasant to you, this is why…it has nothing to do with you.  If I’ve seemed to over-react to some little, petty thing, this is why.  Everything, to me, is stressful, overwhelming and a big deal right now.  More importantly, I want to share it for those out there who are also grieving the loss of a loved one and maybe feeling the exact same way as I am.  I want you to know that you are not alone.  There are actually people out there who understand a little…me being one of them.

Here is the list I wrote for my grief counselor…it’s not edited, it’s just exactly as it came flowing out of my emotional mind:

  • Extreme irritability and anger
  • Literally everything sets me off into a rage (tiniest things like dropping something, or something out of place in my house, etc.)
  • Don’t want to be around or talk to anyone, yet so lonely
  • Feel trapped inside my body, want to be happy so bad, but I’m so angry
  • Constant effort to appear happy and “normal”
  • Emotionally and mentally exhausted from trying to control my emotions
  • Feel like I’ve tried everything: therapy, joined a gym (go 3 times a week), mommy and me class, read countless self help books, 10 minutes quiet time daily, religious (pray, very active in my church, read scriptures, etc.)…all only help temporarily for a couple hours at most
  • Hate feeling this way and am starting to feel hopeless, like I’m never going to snap out of it
  • My mind is in constant chaos.  I can’t seem to slow it down or relax.  Everything is overwhelming.
  • Don’t even fully enjoy my good days because I feel like they’re not real and I’m faking them.
  • Feel like I want to hide away somewhere or check into the hospital so I don’t have to deal with anything or anyone.
  • Dread everything.  Overwhelmed by everything, even just getting out of bed in the morning
  • Feel lost and and don’t want to tell anyone because I feel so horrible about it
  • Mentally I know my feelings of rage, irritability, overwhemingness, anxiety, etc are not necessarily justifiable, but cannot control the emotional side
  • Ready to crash and burn.  Feel like if something doesn’t change soon I’m seriously going to have a mental breakdown
  • So sick of suffering inside.  I want out of my body.  I want to feel good and happy and enjoy my children and my life again.
  • Just want some relief…will do anything.

After showing this list to my therapist and telling her that I literally feel like I’m crazy or psycho, she assured me that I’m not in any way, but I’m still grieving…a lot.  Apparently, I am now in the anger stage of grief (I kind of chuckle when I write that because, YA THINK??)  I’m freaking furious.  I never put the two together, my anger and the stages of grief because for some reason I must have thought I was different than every other person in the world who’s grieved.  I assumed that I was doing so well since I don’t cry all the time and therefore either bypassed all the stages of grief or sailed through them with flying colors.  Nope…I guess not.

One thing she said that really hit home was that I’m a mother who’s pregnant with crazy hormones, I’ve gone off some medication I was taking to help me with my grief, I’ve lost a child (finding her in a very traumatic way), and now I’m “replacing” her with a new child.  She wasn’t mean literally replacing her, but meaning that I’m now bringing a different child into the world and changing my whole family dynamic.  She said that any one of those things would be enough to cause stress and trauma, but all of them piled together is beyond overwhelming.  So I’m praying that she’ll be able to help me.

Honestly, I’m so angry right now with everything in the world…I mean literally EVERYTHING and everyone.  I’m so lonely for Hailey.  I want her back.  I want my old life back with my three beautiful girls.  I often feel jealous of people who get to have all their kids and watch them grow up.  I want to see her as the four and a half year old little girl she should be.  I want to watch her blonde curls blowing in the wind and hear her giggle and tell me that she loves me.  I want to help her write her name and learn her letters.  I want to hear her playing (and fighting) with her sisters.  I want to kiss her cheek at night while she’s sleeping.  I want to take her school shopping for her first day of Kindergarten.  I miss these things every single day, every single moment.

I feel like I’ve lost myself and my identity in a lot of ways.  I went from having three children home all day, to one being gone permanently, and the other (Lexi) in school until 5 almost everyday.  (She’s in private school and LOVES all the extra-curricular classes after school so she stays really late.)  When Hailey was here my mind was constantly stimulated and challenged.  I was so busy and felt so needed and important.  Now I’m home all day with one two-year old child, who takes 3 hour naps everyday.  That time is excruciatingly boring and lonely for me.  In some ways it would seem that I’m lucky because, honestly, my life is super easy right now.  I have two healthy children, one in school all day and one who naps for 3 hours…how difficult could that be?  But for me, it’s torture.

I feel lonely because no matter how much anyone tries to understand, they don’t.  Unless they’ve lost a child as well, there is no way to even come close to knowing what it does to a person.  (However, I have to say that I have many amazing people in my life who do their very darned best to understand as much as they can.  I couldn’t survive without them.)

I feel guilty, so freaking guilty for putting my husband and children through my ridiculous mood swings.  And also for pushing them away emotionally because I can’t even begin to stand the thought of losing another one of them, so instead I think I’m trying to protect myself.  I seriously love them so much I can’t even put it into words, yet I can’t enjoy them or that pure, unconditional love because of the immense fear I live with every single day that I’ll lose one of them too.

I struggle through every single day.  Getting up every morning is a huge effort, showering, interacting, even just breathing sometimes seriously takes all the effort I have. I’m so lonely, so lonely, yet I don’t want anyone around.  I don’t want to talk to anyone, hang out with anyone, be around anyone because that just entails even more effort on my part to appear normal and happy and functioning…it’s way too exhausting.  Every laugh, smile, conversation, positive thing I say, etc. is work and effort.

I have to say the only that that really keeps me going and semi-normal are my children.  Sean too, but he’s an adult and could probably handle me having a breakdown.  That may sound kind of funny, but I’m totally serious.  I just love my kids so much that I couldn’t imagine shaking their world with my emotions.  I could never imagine letting my sweet, happy, little seven year old even have a glimpse of what I’m truly feeling and going through.  So, I continue on…for her, almost all for her.  Maybe one day I’ll tell her how in her own innocent way she’s saved me, but for now, I think it’s a little too much.

I wish I could be the same person I was before Hailey passed away.  I was compassionate, caring, happy (usually), social, energetic, confident, etc., but in reality, I’m none of those things now.  I may even still appear to be the same, but I honestly don’t think I even have one of those qualities anymore.  I pretend to, but I don’t.  I still laugh and joke around a lot, but on the inside it’s a whole different story. Instead, I’m angry…at everything and everyone.  I’m angry at the world in general.  I’m moody, emotional, sad, grumpy, lonely, etc. 

I cannot even believe I’m actually opening myself up like this and sharing this with the world.  I have to admit that in some ways it is extremely terrifying, yet in others so liberating.  I worry about what it’s going to do to me if people don’t understand or just don’t get it or aren’t compassionate or even feel the need to judge me.  On the other hand, part of me doesn’t give a crap because this is who I am right now, this is me, like it or not, take it or leave it.  Although I now have a long way to go, after admitting all this and outing myself to the entire world, I feel free in so many ways.  I no longer have to live a lie and suppress my feelings, my grief, my anger, anything, and that’s kind of a relief.  But it’s also tough because I almost feel like I’m back at stage one again, wherever that is.  I’m on the verge of tears all the time, the pain is super fresh again and right at the surface, and I can barely even look at a picture of Hailey without breaking down.

One last thing I have to say is that my faith in God is still as strong as ever.  That has not wavered in any way, although, I’ll admit that there are times when I’m really angry with Him.  There are times when I want to scream at Him and ask Him why.  Why would He put his daughter (me) through something like this?  Why doesn’t He just give me a freaking break and take this pain and sorrow away…I’d be happy with just 5 minutes of relief. And yes, I do tell Him that (and more).  I tell Him I don’t want to pray or talk to Him because I’m so mad at Him.  But in reality, I know that there is no way I can do this without Him and His help and mercy.  I know that He is there and does ease my burden.  I wonder how, if this is so difficult while having Him in my life, it would be without Him.  Today after I had a good “sob-fest” I came down and flipped my daily scripture chart for the scripture of the day and it read, “Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee.”  Psalm 55:22  (And what a burden I have to cast upon Him!)

 I know this has been very long and probably overwhelming to read, so imagine living it every second of every day.  I want to thank you all for taking the time to read it and share my grief with me.  Please don’t feel offended if I seem distant, but right now I’m going to need some serious down time. I have a LOT to deal with and work through and I need to do it on my own terms.