Our First Donation!!!!

I am so excited to announce that we have officially made our first donation from the Hailey Mayz Foundation!!!  First, before I tell you about it, I want to thank each and every one of you who generously donated your hard earned money to show your love and support of Hailey and our family.  We can assure you that every single penny will go to those who have children that desperately need it.


Now for the story...


A couple days ago Sean's mother emailed us asking if we had any extra blankets we could send to her for a family she knows that just had twins.  Apparently, the twins (boys) were born prematurely at 1 pound each.  They both survived and just came home from the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit).  Unfortunately, they still have some medical needs and their parents are going through much financial hardship.  They needed help so much that they were willing to ask for donations of used blankets and clothing just to help keep the babies warm.  (They live in Pennsylvania.)



As soon as I read the email I could personally feel the burden and stress of these two parents.  Hailey was in the NICU for 9 1/2 weeks after being born and she was soooo tiny.  (She was the biggest one in there too, at 4lb. 3oz.!)  After all we've been through with Hailey, I've come to realize that often times it's much harder on the parents than the actual child.  Here these new parents are having to worry about their tiny, precious boys and all the medical needs they came home with; and as if that isn't enough, they are also carrying the burden of financially being able to provide for the "basics," to keep them safe and warm.


Well, Hailey spoke to me (not literally), but I just felt it.  So we decided to call them last night and donate $1000.00 to help them out with the medical expenses and necessities for their babies.  When we called to tell them the news, they weren't home at the time, but we spoke to the babies' grandmother.  She just started to sob and couldn't thank us enough.  She was telling us about how they need separate cribs for the babies due to the individual needs of each child, but couldn't afford an extra one.  


I seriously cannot even put into words how AWESOME it felt to be able to help lift the burden of such special people.  I told Sean that I wish we had millions to just hand out to the world because it felt so good!!!


The parents are going to send us a little history on the boys and some pictures when they get a few minutes of free time, which we will be posting on The Hailey Mayz Foundation website.  (The link is on the right hand side of this blog.)  I know that Hailey was smiling her little heart out when we gave out that gift in her name.  She would have been thrilled to help those two precious angels!  (She LOVED to help out!)


So again, I want to thank all of you who helped to make this donation possible and bring peace to a needy family!!!  We have also set up a link on the right hand side of our blog that anyone can donate to if ever feeling inclined.


With Much Thanksgiving,


Wendy and Sean


P.S. No matter what life is dealing you right now, please try to think of at least one thing you're thankful for this year...and try to help someone else in need.  It doesn't have to be monetary...it could just be a phone call, note, or hug.  The difference it will make not only to the receiver, but also to you, the giver, makes it so worth it! It's seriously the BEST feeling in the world!!!!

Tender Mercies

In my church we often talk about tender mercies of the Lord.  For those of you who aren't sure exactly what a "tender mercy" is, I'll explain real quick.  First let me give you a hint by saying that I know have $3.90 worth of tender mercies!!!  And that's only the dimes, if I add on all the other experiences I've had I could write for months!

Anyways, a tender mercy is a very personal and individualized blessing, strength, protection, assurance, guidance, loving-kindness, consolation, support, or spiritual gift that we receive from our Heavenly Father. I have to admit that at times I was skeptical of what some people called their tender mercies,  but now I kick myself for ever feeling that way.  I mean, who was I to ever doubt someone else's personal experience or faith?

Well now, since Hailey passed away, I don't just believe, but I KNOW that tender mercies are real and do exist.  We do have a Father who lives in Heaven, who is fully aware of us and our struggles, and who loves and blesses us more that we could even imagine.  I think the key is having the faith to believe that those special experiences or "signs" are NOT just coincidences, but blessings.  No one will ever, ever convince me that Hailey does not send me those dimes that I've found.  The reason I say this is because I literally ONLY have found them when I've needed them.

For example, yesterday was one of my hardest days yet.   I had a major emotional breakdown last night.  I mean, I was beyond hysterical. It was one of the first times I've cried in a couple weeks, so the floodgates were ready.  Reality is hitting big time and I'm struggling even more. I am so overwhelmed with EVERYTHING.  I mean dumb little things like deciding what shirt to wear exhausts me to the point that I almost need to lay down.  I'll explain more about that stuff another time because I want to stay focused on the topic of tender mercies.  So, when I went down and got my mail, I received a card from a family friend who has known me since I was born and has been the best of friends with my parents since way before that.  When I opened it, there were 9 dimes taped inside in the shape of a smiley face.  She had found them all one day in the lint trap of her dryer.  (Someone needs to clean out their pockets before doing the wash!! hee hee)  In the card she wrote, "I am hoping you get these on a day you're needing your "beau-ful" Hailey by your side."  Not to mention, they were all tails up...which is an inside thing, but significant to me.  Anyways, she lives in Boston and obviously had no idea when she mailed that card 4 days ago that the exact day I would receive it was one of the worst days I've had yet.  I'm sorry, but no one will convince me that that wasn't a tender mercy or blessing from the Lord.  That brought a huge smile through the tears.  I couldn't believe it!

Later that night, I went to run errands because I just had to get out of the house.  I sobbed so hard in the car that I almost had to pull over.  But as I was walking around I found 3 dimes in three different places!!!  I felt like my little girl knew how much I missed her and how much pain I was in so she decided to shower me with love.  A coincidence or a tender mercy???  You decide.

I have about a million amazing dime stories like that, so I wanted to share a different tender mercy experience I had, that I feel is very significant.  I have a picture of Jesus hanging on the wall that goes up the side of my stairs.  Every time I'd carry Hailey up the stairs I'd stop at the picture and say, "Jesus."  She always looked at it, but didn't really show too much interest.  After she passed away, I received the most beautiful letter from her nursery leader at church.  In her letter she told me that the Sunday before she passed away, Hailey went up to her and said, "Teacher, teacher..." and her teacher said, "Yes Hailey," to which Hailey replied, "Me know Jesus."  She had never said anything like that to me before!  A smile like you have never seen before sprung across my face!  I really was making a difference and teaching her by showing her that picture.  That brought such peace to my soul, especially since she passed away 2 days later.  I would have hated for Him to come to her and she had said, "Ummm, who the heck are you?"  Anyways, that letter is what I call another tender mercy from the Lord.  It was as if He was telling me that He was proud of me for teaching my little girl and that she would be okay because she knew Jesus!!!

So the next time you experience a neat little "coincidence" that is just what you needed at just the right time, instead of passing it off as a coincidence, try looking upward to heaven and saying a little prayer of thanks for the tender mercy that your Father in Heaven has given you.

I am struggling.  Life is getting tougher.  Reality is getting more real.  But my faith is still as strong as ever.  I know that Jesus Christ lives and that He knows exactly how I feel and what I'm going through.  I know that He is walking beside me step by step.  And I know that just as Hailey knows Him, He knows her and was waiting for her with open arms.  What I wouldn't give to be able to run into His arms, as she probably did, and give Him the hugest hug ever, as all my cares, pains, and worries melt away.  Hailey is one lucky, little angel.

Ending the topic of tender mercies, I always try to keep my new favorite quote in mind as I'm going through my darkest moments, "...it was then that I carried you."

Videos of Hailey

Sean downloaded some little clips of home videos we took of Hailey to YouTube if you're interested in seeing our little angel in action!  I haven't watched any of them yet because it's still much too painful for me, but Sean has watched them all and said they were really cute.

You can also subscribe to these videos so you'll be notified every time it's updated!

Hailey Videos

Thank you all again for your continued love and support.  If you've been reading, you'll know that as time goes on it seems to be getting a little harder, so hearing your comments really keeps me going!  I know eventually things will turn around and it will start getting a little easier, but I'm still waiting for that!!!

Reality

Well I know it's been a while since I last wrote, but I've been quite busy.  Last weekend I went to Florida for the weekend to visit some close family friends. It actually turned out to be a blast!  I've noticed that getting away from home is actually very comforting because I can pretend all is the same as it was before.  It's an escape from my new reality.  I guess that's why vacation is just that, vacation.  It's a time to escape from stresses, worries, etc.  However, coming home is always tough for me.  I missed my girls a ton, so that made it much easier, but walking through the door and not having Hailey there to run and greet me, yelling, "Mommy home," hits like a tons of bricks.


I think in some ways I'm starting to experience some post-traumatic stress syndrome.  For one, reality is now officially becoming exactly that...reality.  (If that makes any sense.)  The world's still turning, the sun's still burning and my heart's still yearning.  Hailey is still not here.  I find that there are times when reality hits me so hard I literally have trouble breathing.  My heart starts racing, my stomach feels sick, and I feel like I can't catch my breath.  Several times, I've literally had to kneel by my bedside and pray for the strength just to walk in to Ava's room and check on her while she's sleeping.  I'll feel my whole body grow weak as I'm about to turn the doorknob.  Every once in a while when I check on her, she'll be laying in a way similar to how I found Hailey and I start to panic and feel like I'm going to hyperventilate.  She has been really congested the past few days, so the other day when I went to check on her she was laying with her mouth open so she could breathe.  I could hear her breathing so I knew she was okay, but I couldn't even go near her crib. I ran out of the room and begged my sister to go in an move her for me.  My heart was racing, my whole body started shaking, and flashbacks came pouring into my head.  I really hope and pray that eventually those feelings will lessen.  Honestly, I'm also thinking of seeking some counseling just for peace of mind.


Living without Hailey is a struggle for me during every little thing of every day.  I am the one who spent my entire days with Hailey, taking care of her, playing with her, laughing at her, watching her grow, and yes, I'll admit it, getting annoyed at her!!!  Everything I do used to include her.  All these activities happen at least once, if not several times a day.  Every single time I get Ava from her crib, I think of getting Hailey.  Every time I dress the girls, I see Hailey's clothes hanging in the closet.  Every time I feed the girls, Hailey's little table sits there empty.  (Lexi won't eat off of it anymore.)  Every time I get one of the girls a plate or cup, I go into the little cupboard that Hailey loved.  Every time I give Ava a bath, I see all the toys that were Hailey's favorite.  Every time I get in the car, I see the seat where Hailey sat. Every time I take Lexi to school and pick her up, I think of Hailey running off laughing and me yelling at her to come back.  Every time I drive anywhere, I drive by Hailey's old therapy building and hear her say, "There my thewapy is!!!"  Every time I drive by a yellow bus, I hear Hailey say, "Me ride lellow bus to school!"  Every time I breathe...


Many people I've talked to who have lost loved ones have told me that usually it's months 4-6 that seem to be the hardest.  In some ways, that's good to know so I'm prepared, but in others, it literally terrifies me.  Months 4-6 are not only right around the corner, but they are also the holidays.  I walked into a store the other day and heard Silent Night playing over the loud speaker.  Let me just say, that song has never affected me as it did in that moment.  My knees grew weak, my heart started to race, my breathing went shallow, and I started to feel lightheaded.  I wasn't prepared.  However, the good thing is that I did it.  Now, hopefully, the next time won't be as hard.


Although things have been getting a little harder in some ways...the Lord has been so merciful to me (and my family).  I literally feel Hailey with me all the time.  I know that He allows her to be here with us and send us our little signs and miracles.  There is no way anyone will even come close to convincing me that she doesn't visit us on a daily basis.  The little signs she sends are NOT a coincidence.  It is incredible and mind-blowing to me some of the little things that have happened at just the right moments.


I have to run now, but my next entry will be all about some of those miracles and signs that we've received.  Also, please, if you have a dime story or any other Hailey story, please email it to me!!!  I'm working on a little idea I have for a children's book called, A Sign of the Dimes...all about Hailey's dimes.  So if you've had a dime experience and feel like it's connected to Hailey...email it to me!!  I'd love to hear it!  It really picks me up and makes me smile.  If I ever do decide to share the stories, I won't use anyone's real name, (unless you ask me to!), so all your experiences will remain personal.  Thank you again for all your love and support.  And thank you even more for loving my little Hailey so much!

Water Bugs & Dragonflies

This is a cute story I found about explaining Death to Young Children
by: Doris Stickney

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs.  They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun.  For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond.


They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about with its friends.  Clinging to the stem of a pond lily, it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.


"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another.  "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk.  Where do you suppose she is going?"


Up, up, up it went slowly.  Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight.  Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return.


"That's funny!" said one water bug to another.


"Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second water bug.


"Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third.


No one had an answer.  They were greatly puzzled.


Finally, one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together.  "I have an idea.  The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why."


"We promise," they said solemnly.


One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk.  Up, up, up he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water, and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.


When he awoke, he looked about with surprise.  He couldn't believe what he saw!  A startling change had come to his old body.  His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail.  Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings.  The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from his new body.  He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water.  He had become a dragonfly.


Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air.  He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere!


By and by, the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest.  Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond.  Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs!  There they were, scurrying about, just as he had been doing some time before.


Then the dragonfly remembered the promise: "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why."


Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down.  He hit the surface of the water and bounced away.  Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water.


"I can't return!" he said in dismay.  "At least I tried, but I can't keep my promise.  I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies, too.  Then they'll understand what happened to me, and where I went."


And the dragonfly winged off happily into it wonderful new world of sun and air.


(I am so bummed because I found a huge dragonfly right at Hailey's place about a month ago and took a bunch of really close up pictures of it, but I think I accidentally deleted them.)  Bummer...

My First Halloween

Well I made it through my first Halloween without Hailey.  I hope it's true when they say that the "firsts" are always the hardest and then it gets a little easier each time after that.  Today was tough.  Unfortunately, I think it was even tougher for Lexi this time, than it was for me.  She really struggled through the entire day and wanted to cry so many times, but didn't want to mess up her makeup (for her costume).  It really started when I was getting ready to take some pictures of the girls in their costumes and Lexi realized she couldn't find the monkey we use to represent Hailey.  I was totally bummed too, but realized there was no reason in making the day even more difficult by getting mad.  We think she left her at school, but aren't totally sure.  :(  Anyways, luckily we had another stuffed monkey that I bought for Ava a month or so ago. I gave it to Lexi to hold in the pictures and told her that from now on we'll use any monkey to represent Hailey in our pictures, as long as it's a monkey!!! Although she was still upset, it seemed to help a little. 

Once all the festivities were over, she finally broke down and let it out. I told her she could fall asleep in my bed since she was having such a hard day (She loves falling asleep in our bed!). When I was putting her to bed she asked me if we could look at the pictures I took today. Of course, I couldn't deny her, but as I was getting the pictures ready on my computer, she also decided she wanted to look at the pictures from last year. So again, I agreed. Bad idea. Seeing Hailey's smile and excitement in her chicken costume from last year was enough for me. I couldn't hold in my emotion anymore and just broke down. I know I already posted a picture of her, but she was so darn cute that I need to post it again:

If you read my entry about the pumpkin patch, you'll know that it was pretty tough on me being there.  But, I also saw it as one of those inevitable experiences that was bound to come up and therefore, was glad that I did it and made it through.  

Well, yesterday was another one of those rough days.  A lot of reality has hit me over the last 3 days.  It's been slowly creeping up, but when we actually started participating in all the Halloween festivities that reality quickly became my world.  

Last night we were supposed to go to a Halloween party mostly for kids.  I struggled with it all day long.  Sean wanted to go together as a family, so I didn't want to flake out and let him down, but on the other hand, I just really didn't feel up to going.  After experiencing all the emotions from the day before at the pumpkin patch and dealing with the anticipation of today with Halloween and trick or treating, I just couldn't face one more Halloween related event. Luckily, I have a very understanding husband who supported me in that decision.  We are doing whatever we can to stay close and be honest with each other so we make it through this.  As I mentioned in my journal entry describing the day Hailey passed away, Sean and I promised each other that we would stick together through this trial and never break apart.  When we got married we made a promise before God to stay together through good times and bad (and it can't get much worse than this).  We need each other.  And more importantly, our kids need us.  So we made a deal that we would be very open, honest, and patient with one another throughout this holiday season.  If there's a specific event that's really important for one of us to attend, then the other will say a prayer for strength and go.  Otherwise, it's okay to miss some things.

Anyways, I went to Hailey's place and sobbed hysterically as I realized how difficult something as simple as a little Halloween party was going to be for me to attend.  This was a difficult and scary realization, especially with all the holidays coming up.  I know we're going to be invited to tons of stuff and I really don't want to spend the holidays holed up in my house. But honestly, I also don't want to face the holidays either.  I'm so scared that if we don't go to stuff, people will stop inviting us, which adds extra pressure on me.  I also feel guilty when I don't go to things because I know Hailey wouldn't want me to sit home.  Then there's also the bittersweet, catch 22 that I face any and every time I go somewhere with people who either aren't family or aren't really close friends. I mean I want people to acknowledge what I'm going through and that they're aware I'm in pain and ask me about Hailey and how I'm doing, but I also don't want them to bring it up either.  I want to talk about it and tell everyone about Hailey, but I also don't want to have to deal with it every time I go somewhere.  If everyone asks me about Hailey I start to feel overwhelmed and annoyed because there's so much to talk about and tell, but when I go somewhere and no one asks me about her, I feel so sad and hurt and wonder if they either forgot or just don't feel like listening to me complain.  Sometimes I want to pretend like it never happened and go to parties or get togethers and act like all is well, but then when I try to do that I feel sad because I know I'm pretending and I'll have to go home to deal with it all soon enough.  So basically no one can win here...neither the "people" I'm talking about nor myself!  Why am I admitting all this?  Honestly, I don't know.  It's just how I feel and I'm trying to get it out.  What should you do about it if you're around me?  Honestly again, I don't know.  All I can ask is that you just be yourself and be honest with me.  If you want to ask me or talk to me about Hailey, then please do. And if you don't, then that's okay too!!!  I'm really not one to get offended very easily.  I know that people are genuinely good and mean well by what they say or ask, so please don't ever be afraid you'll say the wrong thing.  As I'm sure you've seen from my blog, I am very open and honest, so I really appreciate that from others too!  I've always said that I'd rather my friends be around me and say the "wrong" thing or something that might make me sad, than not be around me and say nothing at all.  I need people.  I need Hailey's life to be acknowledged and talked about.  Even though sometimes I don't necessarily want to talk about everything, I always feel much better when I do.  Same goes with crying, I try to hold it in and avoid it sometimes because it's kind of a pain in the butt, but I always feel way better when I just let it all out and bawl.  (I guess I should use that same strategy when it comes to working out!!)

These past few days have been the most emotional I've had in a while since Hailey passed away, so honestly, I'm glad they're over.  Now it's onto Thanksgiving, our yearly family trip to Solvang, Ava's 1st Birthday, and Christmas.  Please don't give up on us if we don't come to everything, reply to every email, or return every phone call.  It is just so exhausting sometimes. But also know, that every invite, email, and message is listened to and acknowledged and loved.  Just remember these are our firsts and therefore very difficult.  My emotions literally vary minute to minute.  But we are doing our best!

Our family picture from last year.

(Ava was still cookin'!)

 The girls this year.

Our family picture this year.

The Pumpkin Patch

Today I took Lexi and Ava to the pumpkin patch for the first time without Hailey. We went with some of Lexi's little girlfriends from school and their moms. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy. The first thing I saw when we got out of the car were the little ponies that walk in a circle for the kids to ride. I literally felt like someone punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me. That was Hailey's favorite ride of all time!!! She LOVED to ride horses! I have several pictures of me standing next to her on that ride last year. (One of these days I'll post some pictures of all the times she got to ride a horse. There are actually quite a few! I just have trouble right now looking at them.)

Anyways, I looked over at Lexi and watched her innocent little face light up with excitement as she found her friends. I was then instantly reminded of why I was there. Going to the pumpkin patch wasn't about me...it was about her! So I mustered up a smile, slapped it on my face and continued on.

As I walked around hearing Faith Hill blast out of the speakers, I felt so alone. Yes, there were people everywhere, but the loneliness still consumed me. I saw Hailey on every ride with her big toothy grin and loud giggle. I saw her pick out every pumpkin, feed every animal, run to every ride, and ask for every snack she saw. It was just so incomplete without her there. (By the way, just for the record, I actually love Faith Hill, but I have to admit that her music can feel very sad at times.)

Every time the emptiness seemed to consume me and I'd feel weak, I would look at my precious little Lexi and watch her smiling and laughing with her friends. It would remind me of how much she needed this...how much she deserved this. Hailey would have wanted this for her sister. I also have to point out that I had some great friends there too, who were very supportive by the way. Thank you ladies!

I took a bunch of pictures of Lexi and Ava, however they were all individual ones. I just couldn't find the strength yet to take a picture of the two of them together without Hailey. That thought literally made me feel nauseated. I'm just grateful that Lexi never brought up the issue or requested a picture with her sister...otherwise, I would have had to face that pain much sooner than I felt ready for. We're actually planning on going back on Saturday with Sean, my parents and my sister, so I definitely plan to get a picture of them together then. I'll have our little monkey with us and also my family there to carry me through it. I am going to make myself take the picture though because its important and necessary to have one of them together there.

As I'm typing this, I'm realizing now what a big deal something so simple as a picture of my children has become. Yikes!

While Lexi was on a ride with her friends I decided to walk over to the snack bar and get something for Ava. I was the only one at the counter and after I paid I turned around to walk away. There to my left, at the end of the counter, sat a dime and a penny side by side!!! (Pennies are my grandma's sign!) I was so excited that I ended up taking a picture of them. Then after the picture, you better believe that I stole them!!!! I had such a smile on my face as I imagined Hailey and my grandma standing there side by side just like that dime and penny. I could just hear them telling me that they were there and Hailey was happy and it was okay to enjoy my girls. Weird as it may sound, that experience was a beautiful, miraculous moment. I mean, what are the odds?

We ended up buying a foil pumpkin balloon and an ear of Indian corn (Lexi picked it out) to take over to Hailey's place. (Someone already left her a pumpkin...Thank you!). So, all in all, the event ended on a positive note, as most do because of the love my little girl has for her family and the way she hangs around and shows it to us.

I am so blessed.