This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

If you'd like to start from the beginning, click on the beautiful, adorable picture of Hailey on the right hand column.

You can also email me at:

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Still Here!

I know the time between my posts is getting longer and longer.  It's definitely not because I have nothing to say...those that know me well know that I always have something to say!  I've just been so very busy with our new little guy and our big move (not too far away).   It's been weighing on me day in and day out that I have so much to catch up on, but I just can't seem to find the time to do so.  I literally have a whole list of experiences I want to share.  The problem is, I've got to be in the right frame of mind to really write how I'm feeling, which is why it takes me a while to finally sit down and get it all out.  

Anyways, today, for some reason, I decided to check the email address I have posted at the top of my blog.  That's not my regular email address so I don't check it everyday.  As a matter of fact, I haven't checked it since January!  So, for whatever reason, I decided to log in today and see what's up.  (It was something to do besides packing!)  Well...I'm so glad I did!  There were two beautiful emails from two people I have never met but read my blog and took the time to write to me.  It made my entire day and inspired me to get back on the ball with my writing. 

I only have a minute right now and with the move this week it may end up being a few weeks before I actually get back on that ball again, but I definitely will soon!  

A quick update though...

As I mentioned above we are in the process of moving this week, which has brought about a whole slew of new emotions for me to deal with.  Our house is busting at the seams with our growing (and now complete) family so we needed more room.  It was difficult to make the decision to sell our house and start over in a new neighborhood, partially because this is the last house Hailey lived in and partially because I love my neighbors.  They all know about Hailey and most were here when she passed away, so I feel a bond with them that I won't have with my new neighbors.  I actually think I'm more sad about leaving my neighborhood than my house.  I know Hailey will be with us wherever we go, but unfortunately I can't take all my neighbors with me...our house isn't quite that big!

Even after two and a half years Hailey's stuff still hangs in her closet and lays in her drawers untouched and exactly where it was the day she died.  I have never been able to bring myself to go through it and really there was no need up until this point.  I've actually only opened her drawers twice, but never touched anything.  The thought of touching and holding the clothes that she wore and packing them up brings up so many emotions I guess I'm still not ready for.  I'm actually quite surprised that it would be this hard after so long, but I guess since I've never really touched them before I haven't tapped into those emotions yet.  Luckily, a really good friend of mine has agreed to come over and pack Hailey's things into a suitcase until Sean and I have some time to really sit down and go through them all.  As with writing my blog, I need to be in the right frame of mind to tackle such a task.

Another great friend of mine is an avid quilter and has offered to teach me how to make a quilt out of Hailey's clothes when I'm ready.  I love that idea!  I really don't want all her stuff just sitting in a box somewhere, but I'm also not willing to donate it, so I think a memory quilt would be perfect.  I also hope to make a small, handkerchief sized one for Lexi, Ava, and Joey.

On another note, as I was packing today I decided to go through all the cards and letters I received after Hailey died.  I saved every single one in a box that I have not touched since they stopped coming in the mail.  There seriously must have been 500 hundred cards!  I couldn't believe it.  I was reminded again of how loved Hailey and my family are.  It was a very bittersweet moment.  

I did cry quite a few tears as I opened several to read what was written inside.  It was almost as if I was back in those very first days again.  As time passes the pain and heartache are still there, but definitely not as sharp.  Although in my heart I'll never forget what those days were like, in my mind I sometimes forget how extremely painful they were.  I guess that's one of the tender mercies of the Lord.  However, as soon as I touch something tangible from those moments it's literally like a time machine that whisks me right back to that very point in time...emotions and all.  As I looked at all the cards and letters before me I felt as if it were that day all over again and not until Ava started yelling at me did I snap out of it and realize it's actually two and half years later.  

I have to say that I'm grateful that I don't have to feel that intense pain daily anymore, yet if I need a little reminder I am able to go back and experience it again for a brief time.  Why would I ever want to do that?  Honestly, sometimes I have to remind myself that this really happened to me.  I don't allow myself to think about it all that often.  By it, I mean the death of Hailey.  I think about Hailey ALL the time...probably a thousand times a day, but when I think of her it's my memories of her alive or my thoughts of what she's doing on the other side right now, or a little sign from her like a dime or Lay's truck.  I rarely ever think about her dying or the events surrounding her death.  It's so traumatic and painful for me, yet there are still times when, for some reason, I want to be reminded.  I don't know why, I just do.  It guess maybe it just makes me feel close to her again and not so guilty about continuing on in my life without her here. 

Anyways, that's where I am right now, at this moment. (So much for a few minutes!) I'll be back soon to update you all on how the move went.  This is probably one of the last "firsts" I have left to experience without Hailey, so I know there will definitely be some unforeseen emotions tied to it.

I also have so many more things to write about...some really cool stories and experiences, so I promise to really try to get on the ball!!  Thanks again for all your continued support.  I feel that even after two and half years have passed I still have the same compassion and support that I did on day one.  That means the world to me.