This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

If you'd like to start from the beginning, click on the beautiful, adorable picture of Hailey on the right hand column.

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Thursday, June 21, 2012

It was then that He carried me...

Even after almost three years,  I still refer to my favorite poem, Footprints In The Sand, and know that there are still many times when there is only one set of footprints in that sand as the Lord carries me through.  

I wanted to share an example of one of these times that just happened to me this week.  In our church we often refer to them as "tender mercies," but you can call them anything you wish.  All I know is that they are the times when two sets of footprints become one as the Lord carries us through a burden we can no longer bear ourselves.

Last Saturday Sean and I took the kids to the pool for a few hours to swim.  Ava loves to play in the "cajuzzi," as she calls it, so I went in with her for a bit.  While there we met a mother and her daughter who was about the same age as Ava.  Of course, we got to chatting and she asked me the very dreaded question, "How many children do you have?"  Without even a hesitation, I responded, "Four."  

I will always respond with the number four because that's how many children I have.  But after saying so, my heart skipped a beat and my stomach turned as I tried to change the subject and prayed that she wouldn't ask anymore about my kids.  

A little while later Sean brought Lexi and Joey in with us.  I could sense the wheels turning in the lady's head as she noticed there were only three children with us and so I continued to pray even harder that she wouldn't ask where the fourth was.  In my mind I was going through every possible answer I could give, "She's at a friend's house." "She's not here today." "She died.  What else do you want to know?"  I couldn't get out of there fast enough and luckily the question never came up.

That night I thanked God about a million times for the fact that I didn't have to make up some excuse or go into details about why Hailey wasn't physically there that day.  

Later, as I was thinking about the pool experience, I also got to thinking about Ava's soccer class that we go to every week.  For the first time last week I told her coach I had four kids.  It was as I was leaving so he didn't have time to question me about it, but I could see the wonder in his face since he'd met Lexi and Joey several times, but never met a fourth.  My stomach dropped as I realized that now with Lexi on summer vacation it was going to be even more evident that someone was missing when we all went to Ava's class.  I knew the question would eventually arise and it made me sick to think of having to tell him about Hailey in front of all the other parents.

I knew I would get the sad looks and the "I'm so sorry's" and all the other stuff that goes along with such a revelation and honestly, I just didn't want to have to deal with it.  So again, I prayed about it and told the Lord that I didn't want to have to go through that right now.  As I got into bed that night, I felt this little whisper that said, "Don't worry.  I'll take care of it."  

So this week it turned out that my mom came down for the day and took Ava to her soccer class while I ran errands.  It also turned out that she was the only one there that day, probably because of summer starting.  When she got home something inside me said to ask her if she told him about Hailey.  I don't know why I had the feeling, aside from God whispering it to me, because we never even talked about her telling him.

Well she told me that he just happened to ask her what the tattoo on her foot was.  (It's a tiny 'h' literally the size of your pinky fingernail, so for him to even see it was totally random.)  She ended up telling him all about Hailey, her foundation, the clinic, etc.  Talk about a relief!  I felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.  I'm usually fine talking about Hailey once her story is out in the open, it's just the initial moment of having to tell someone for the first time that's so hard.

It wasn't until a couple days later that I realized that was one of those 'tender mercies' from the Lord. It was one of those times that there was only one set of footprints in the sand because He knew I couldn't handle having that conversation.  So, as the poem says, "It was then that He carried me."

Thursday, June 14, 2012

A Walk for aMAYZing Kids!!!

As most of you know we have opened a non-profit therapy clinic called aMAYZing Kids in Hailey's honor.  We are so excited that its growing significantly and quickly.  The whole intention of the clinic is to help uninsured or underinsured children receive the therapy they need, however we do also accept insured children.  For more information on the actual clinic you can click on the links at the end of this entry.

For now, my whole point of this blog entry is to invite you all to either come walk with me, or if you're unable to attend, sponsor my virtual team, Team Hailey!!!  I would personally love to meet and thank those of you who have been reading and supporting me.

There are two ways you can participate and help:

1.  Attend the walk
  • Date: Saturday, June 30th
  • Time: 10:00-2:00
  • Place: aMAYZing Kids Clinic (20902 Bake Pkwy #100, Lake Forest, CA 92630)
  • Price: $25/person, under 3 is free
  • Includes: All you can eat BBQ lunch, T-shirt, games & prizes, Penelope the pony, photo ops, and more!!!

Live out of town?  Busy that day?  Too lazy to walk?
No prob!  You can still participate by sponsoring me and my team.

2.  Join my Virtual Team, TEAM HAILEY!

I'm counting on you all to sign up somewhere and support our cause in Hailey's honor!!!  Thank you again for all your continued love and support...It means the world to me.

For More Info On The Clinic

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Missing My Girl - Update

Apparently Hailey is still around and was reading my blog last night.  This morning I got in my car and accidentally dropped the earpiece to my cell phone down in between my seats.  As I reached across to the passenger side trying to search for it, I looked down and saw what I'd been waiting to see for such a loooong time now!!!!  

Check out the picture:

Two quick things regarding the picture above:

1.  My car is actually quite clean, that's just one random crevice down in between the seats (which I will now be cleaning today!).

2.  I LOVE my angel Hailey!!!!  She's so awesome!

Monday, June 11, 2012

Missing My Girl

Sometimes I'm still shocked at the randomness of grief.  As the 3 year "anniversary" of Hailey's death quickly approaches I feel my emotions becoming more and more raw.  I didn't think it would be possible, but I miss her more now than I did in those first few days, weeks, and months after she passed away.  I'm sure a lot of this has to do with the fact that August 11th of this year will mark the day that Hailey has been gone longer than she was here.  Although deep down inside I know it's just a date and doesn't define my relationship with her, it still terrifies me that once that day passes I'll feel further away from her than ever before and with each passing day after the 11th our bond will become less and less.  

I used to feel her around me all the time.  Although she was gone physically I felt her stronger spiritually than I could have ever imagined. I think I actually felt closer to her and more bonded to her after she passed away than before.  I felt like we became friends and I would talk to her as if she were older and wiser...and I know she is.  I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she was always with me, watching over me, walking beside me, talking to me (or whispering in my ear), and of course, sending me dimes as often as possible.  

But I'm really struggling right now because I haven't felt her around in quite a while now, several months to be exact.  I don't feel her peace and comfort nearby and I honestly cannot remember that last time I've found a dime.  (I looked and prayed and asked and looked some more on Mother's Day, but to my surprise and much disappointment I never found one.)  I guess I came to rely on those little silver circles to keep me feeling connected and loved.  

Of course I know that she hasn't forgotten me.  And the way I believe, religiously, is that she's probably off on some mission teaching others who have died all about Jesus.  I know she's busy and being used to her full potential, but sometimes I get frustrated and think, "What about me?  I still need you too."  Just maybe there's someone else who needs her more than me right now. 

I've prayed about it a lot and feel that the answer I always receive is to be patient and my time will come again.  She's busy, but definitely not gone and if I just remain faithful I'll be rewarded.  So, I'm doing just that and I know that the time will come when I feel Hailey back by my side again.

I know this all may sound very weird to some of you and that's completely okay with me.  However, it is very real to me.  I know that Hailey is just as much alive in spirit now as she was when she was in her body.  I believe she is just in a different place than me.  One example I used to explain it to Lexi is that her relatives on the East Coast are just as much alive as she is even though she can't physically see them right now.  That is what I believe about Hailey.  Unfortunately, no one has invented telephones, or even better, Skype that reaches Heaven yet, but with the way technology advances everyday I'm not giving up hope!!!  

So as of right now, I'm missing her a lot and wondering what the heck she's doing and where she is.  But I'm going to continue being patient and holding out for when the moment arises that I feel her in my presence again.