This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Saturday, February 12, 2011

Rough Day

So today I hit another rough patch.  I don't know why and that's one of the hardest things about grieving, you never really know when it's going to hit or why it does, but when it does there's really not much you can do about it.  This was one of those days.

It was supposed to be a great day.  I had a church activity this morning with the young women (ages 12-18), then an appointment to get my nails done, and lastly, Kim and I were supposed to go to the mall shopping for maternity clothes.  I was so excited to go shopping...for me!  I never go shopping for myself.  I even cleaned out and reorganized my entire closet this week to get ready for my little spree!

Then today came.  I woke up not feeling well, which already put a damper on things.  On top of that, when I woke up I was just coming out  of a dream about Hailey.  I was giving her a bath, there was no verbal communication, but just seeing her face and life back in her little body was enough to invoke a lot of pain.  Those dreams suck.  When you wake up it almost feels like you've just lost the person all over again.  It's like she was right there within my reach, but I just couldn't grasp her and hold on tight enough to bring her back out of the dream with me.  It made me really miss her a lot.

So here I was on one of the most beautiful days of the year (It was 80 degrees, sunny, not a cloud in the sky...), yet I just couldn't seem to enjoy one darn second of it.  Physically I felt horrible and emotionally I felt even worse.  Why?  Why today when I was supposed to have a fun, relaxing day?  I guess that's the million dollar question, with no real answer.

I went to my church activity, but didn't do much (sorry everyone!).  Then during my nail appointment they seriously played the saddest music ever (Think Chicago.), so I literally had to hold back tears several times.  Here I was getting my nails done on an absolutely gorgeous day and it took all the strength I had not to break down.  I couldn't stand being around all those cheerful people when I was absolutely miserable.  I just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible.

Afterwards, I was tempted to put a smile on my face and still go shopping.  I knew being around my sister would cheer me up a bit, at least on the outside.  But, unfortunately, I also knew that on the inside I would still be a mess.  I wouldn't enjoy one minute of being at the mall around a ton of people pretending like all was well in my life.  And, even though I'd have some new clothes to show for it, they wouldn't ease the pain I was feeling inside.  

Then I remembered what my therapist had told me.  She said that the fastest way to get through these emotions is to embrace them and face them head on, even though at the moment its the hardest thing to do.  Half of me wanted so badly to shove them inside, as I used to do, and pretend like nothing was wrong because in a lot of ways that's much easier to do than the alternative.  The alternative being to face my sadness head on, cry, scream, whatever I needed to do to get it out.  As she told me, if I keep holding it inside it will just fester and continue growing until eventually there's just no room left and it has to come out.  That could end up being 10 years from now.  But, the thing is, I don't want it to be 10 years from now, I want to feel better!  

So, as I had decided when I first saw her again, I did exactly what she suggested.  I feel like over the past few weeks I hit my rock bottom and the only way to go up now is to take her suggestions and advice seriously.  I promised myself I would do whatever she suggested, no matter how difficult because she is so amazing and I know she can help me a lot.  

I called my sister and told her I just wasn't up for going to the mall, finally being honest with myself and therefore everyone else. (Of course, Kim was amazing about it.)  Yet inside, I was so disappointed and angry that I wasn't up for it.  Why did I have to feel like this today?  Why couldn't I just freaking enjoy the weather, my sister, shopping, etc.?  I was so angry.

I decided to face the emotions I was feeling head on, so I drove over to Hailey's Place, sat down on a towel in front of her stone (decorated so cute for Valentine's Day), and just cried.  I cried and talked to her and cried some more.  I cried for her.  I cried for myself.  I cried for the beautiful day I was missing out on.  I just cried.  But most importantly, I cried it all out.  Instead of pushing those feelings down and trying to pretend they weren't there, I let them literally flow out.  It was hard.  I hate to cry, but I knew it was the only way to truly feel relief.

It worked.  Although, I'm still bummed about how today turned out, I was actually able to enjoy my evening a little.  Kim came by to check in and it was great hanging out with her for a bit.  Then Sean, Lexi, and I sat around the table for a couple hours, chatting, and making Valentine's for Lexi's class.  (They all have to be handmade!)  My sadness and anger subsided and I was able to relax with my family.  I'm exhausted, but all in all, I feel very relieved.


  1. it sounds like you were able to end your day in a beau'ful day after all, even though it wasn't exactly what you were hoping for.

    if i could make a little suggestion...(please feel free to roll your eyes and say mmmm-k....) but maybe you could try to remind yourself to be patient with yourself, do not worry so much about what other people are thinking because most of the time they will be fine and aren't dealing with what you are so they are better able to handle things anyway.

    give yourself a break and know it's going to take time to work through this, so things are not going to go as you hope and thats OK. it's just how things are going to be while you work through things.

    and don't worry about deadlines to be "over it". i can't imagine anyone expecting you to ever "get over" losing Ooge. Even so, it's no ones business how long it takes you to grieve and heal. That's completely different for every person (I can't imagine anyone being over it in just 2 years), and they aren't you.

    sorry i know i'm not qualified to give advice. i just love ya and want to help any way i can. i promise i won't be offended if you want to ignore it!! you have to do what works for you. i just know i've felt some similar emotions(isolation, feeling guilty for being angry- i loved the quote from the clergyman, feeling judged for my depression and anger, etc.) as you've described but for different reasons. but I still can't know ALL you are feeling. anyway i just pray you can remind yourself at those times when you feel guilty and disappointed that this IS a huge deal, it IS going to take time and work, so you need to be patient with yourself. that's the only thing that has helped me is just telling myself over and over that it IS a big deal, so it warrants BIG emotions and that BIG reactions and suffering are normal. i'm so sorry. love you.

  2. I saw Kim driving over to check on you Saturday afternoon. I didn't know that's what she was doing, but seeing her really brought a smile to my face.

    My heart is continually going out for you, and please feel free to be honest with your feelings with me. If you're grumpy, it's ok to be grumpy. If you feel angry, it's ok to be angry. I will understand. We all will. It still impresses me to no end that you keep coming to church and fulfilling your callings instead of curling up into a ball and blocking out the whole world.

    I'm so glad you faced your feelings head on. As painful as that was, you are grieving. And if you don't grieve, it really will boil over down the line.

    But also remember--you are pregnant! You have a lot of hormones that are raging around, on top of the grief of having a child return early to Heavenly Father. Give yourself a break when there's no explanation for why the grief hits so intensely some times. But coming out of a dream with Hailey seems to me like a completely legitimate to end up waking up with a sour mood that you can't shake.

    And yet, how precious to have that little dream, even though it was cut short by waking up.

    We are here for you, Wendy.

  3. There is nothing anyone one can say or do to take away this anger and pain like we wish we could. We can try to do a million things but in the end the only one that will really work is to pray for you and that is what i do every single night. I think it's great that you are dealing with this head on, I would never think of you as crazy, I don't think your normal either i think you have proved to be better than that. Look how many lives you have touched ( more than anyone one else I know) I'm so sorry you have to go through this. You do it so well and put other people to shame that complain over the little things in there life, I admire you so much. No one ever expects you to be "over it" now or ever. You are so much stronger then you realize!!! Don't forget to ask Jesus to carry you,even if your mad at him right now He will still do it :)