This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

If you'd like to start from the beginning, click on the beautiful, adorable picture of Hailey on the right hand column.

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Thursday, April 8, 2010

A Different Mom

I've come to realize that I'm now a much different mother than I was before losing Hailey.  That may sound kind of obvious, but I'm different in many ways.  A little broken, for one, but more importantly, I think I've become a better mom.  

I'm definitely much more compassionate and loving toward my girls.  I've become much more in tune with Lexi, especially, and how she's feeling.  I'm not much of a huggy, cuddly kind of person, but lately, I've been that way with Lexi.  I've become quite attached to her...sometimes I feel like she's one of my best friends!  (I don't really tell her that because I still need to be mom, but I just feel it in my heart.)  I also crave to be around my girls and just hear them laugh or watch them sleep, which before I would jump at the chance for a break!  I'm also a lot more patient with them...which for me, is huge! 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm still a typical mom too.  I still get frustrated and impatient at times.  I still need a break every once in a while.  I still want to rip my hair out now and then!  But, I've also learned to enjoy my kids.  That's what I wanted to share today.  

I've always been the kind of mom who just wants to get down to business and get things done.  I like things neat, clean, and organized.  I don't like loudness or chaos.  Often times I'd say no to Lexi when she'd want to paint or do arts and crafts because I didn't feel like having to clean up the mess.  Or I wouldn't want to go somewhere because it was a pain to get everything together, get the kids in the car, get the kids out of the car, etc.  I would get really stressed out and anxious if I would see my girls getting their clothes dirty or tracking dirt into the house.  At bath time, I just wanted the kids in and out...bath toys, bubbles, etc., just made an unnecessary mess when I was trying to make things clean!  So basically, I was an anxious, uptight, you know what, kind of mom!!!  Okay, now I really made myself sound bad. 

Anyways, I've come to realize that all that stuff seriously doesn't matter all that much.  I do still like my house clean and things picked up and organized, however, I've come to realize that it is possible to clean up after a mess (and some fun!).  I've come to realize that life can be short, way shorter than expected sometimes, so I need to chill out, relax, and just enjoy my beau'ful girls.  I've come to realize that I'm much happier too, when I just sit back and watch life through their eyes.  Not to mention, the fun they get to have just being kids.

So let me give you some examples of this big change in myself!!  First off, let me just say, that some of you may read these things and be wondering what the big deal is, but let me just say that these are huge changes for me!!!  So here goes:  (Oh, and I even have pictures to prove it!)  

  • I was at a friend's house and let Ava crawl around in the mud by a stream that runs in front of her house.  She was absolutely filthy and enjoyed every single second of it!!!  (As for me, I was so proud of myself and found that I actually enjoyed watching her enjoy herself!)  Oh and guess what, I was actually able to wash her clothes...whoo hoo...can you sense my sarcasm at myself.     
And to think I would have missed out on this!

And this...
(Just kidding, but it did wash out!)

  • I didn't freak out when Lexi caught a lizard in our backyard!  I even considered letting her keep it, but after researching  how much money it would cost for all the supplies needed to take care of it, I decided it was better off in nature.  I got a cute picture, though, before letting it go.

  • I let Ava play with a bowl of pudding and even put her whole face in it.  Normally I would have insisted on feeding her myself, but decided to give in to her strong will attempt to do it herself.  And of course, she thoroughly enjoyed it, almost as much as I enjoyed taking this picture!
  • Bath time has become fun bubble time and I even let them splash sometimes!!  Go me!  :)  
  • I've spent many afternoons laying on the trampoline in our backyard with Lexi just chatting or coloring.  
  • We went and bought some fruit and vegetable plants and planted them together...something that would have been too dirty before.
  • On Easter we went back in the canyon by our house and found some tadpoles.  (There aren't many of those in Cali.)  We caught some, came home and read on the internet how to take care of them and made a little home for them.  Nope, wouldn't have even considered that before.
  • I try to say "Yes," as often as I can.  I often stop and think about the reason I want to say no, if it's because I want to be lazy or just don't "feel like it," I stop myself and reconsider. 
  • Today we spent the afternoon playing with bubbles, and getting all wet and soapy...something I would never have had the patience for before.   
So those are just a few of the things that I gave up some control over.  And honestly, I am so glad I did.  I don't know why I was so uptight about that kind of stuff before and I do still have to remind myself every once in a while to chill out and just ENJOY.  I came to the realization today that most of our children will never be taken from us as early as Hailey was, thank goodness, however they will all grow up.  So, we still need to take the time to slow down and just have fun with them.  This is something I'm working on everyday in honor of my little Hailey.

Thank you Hailey, for teaching me that valuable lesson.  Your sisters will greatly appreciate it when they are older.  I love and miss you baby girl.


  1. As a child raised by a mother who never took a single day for granted this post totally touched me. I lost a brother and my heart still aches because of that, but I too gained a best friend and a "better" mom. Ironically, this is something that Lexi and Ava will most likely carry with them too. I watch my children sleep and I honestly feel that I enjoy them more than most moms do. I have lived my entire life knowing that life can be short, and unlike most moms I live with a constant fear that I could lose my kids before I die. In some ways this is the best gift that my brother's passing gave me. It is so much easier to love what you might lose. You are so absolutely right in believing that your girls will appreciate their "new" mother someday. A little silver lining from the worst thing that could possibly happen to a family. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Wendy, I dont even know you and feel so touched by what you write. I am so proud of you, you are doing a great job being a mother. Your girls are VERY lucky! I am too like you, and my husband is always telling me to relax and enjoy all these little moments. I do try too, I really do. Thank you for this post, it opened my eyes today and made them tear up too. God Bless!

  3. This just touched me today. Thank you for sharing your example for me to read today. I really needed to just have fun with my kids.....I too am the same old version of yourself at times. Good for you to want to be a little more dirty.

    Again thanks for you Wendy and family.

  4. What a GREAT post Wendy!! This is advice that every mom needs to hear...thanks so much for sharing!! :)

  5. Wendy,
    Your experience has made me a different mom too. Does that make sense? Your incredible loss has made me slow down, and try and enjoy the small, messy moments. I am like you in that as soon as a mess is made I want to clean it up immediately or avoid it all together. I have loosened up a bit now. Thanks for sharing your experiences and your growth through this process. Love you!

  6. Yet another wonderful message to spread to the rest of us moms. So many of us have it in our minds that we need to keep things neat and tidy. No mess! But like you, I've learned that it's so much easier to just let the kids (and in my case - husband!) be kids and enjoy the mud and the water and the bubbles and the FOOD! (of course to some limit!) Good for you, Wendy! Let this be another weight off your shoulders so you can enjoy every precious moment you have with your girls. They will be forever thankful that you are relishing in their childhood with them. :) Can't wait for you to come and play in the mud with US!

  7. Wendy ~
    I feel so blessed to have you as a friend. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever had the honor of knowing! I love you and I love your family! xoxoxo