This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Sunday, April 4, 2010

Happy Easter

Well I wish I had something huge and profound to write today since it's Easter and all.  But honestly, I really don't.  I thought this day would either be ridiculously difficult for me, like Christmas was, or really profound because the resurrection of Christ and the very personal meaning it now has for me and my family.  Don't get me wrong...It was a wonderful day, a beau'ful day!!!  I just realized that it wasn't really difficult because Hailey was here with us in Spirit and of course, the Lord carried me through it as He always does.  Gosh, I am blessed.  And I don't think it was really profound either because, although my baby girl is no longer here physically with us, I realized that I've always had a huge testimony and belief in the resurrection of Christ.  That's probably part of the reason I've been able to handle Hailey's death with such strength.

First, I wanted to share a letter that I wrote to Hailey in my journal yesterday and then I'll tell you about today and a really amazing miracle that happened!!  So, here goes:

Hey Hailey-

Here I am sitting here at your place and enjoying how peaceful it is.  It's so cute here for Easter!  Someone came and left a little, plastic, colored Easter egg on the stone of every single child resting here!  It's so adorable and literally warms my heart to see how loved all these children are.  Of course, your place is one of the most decorated already, because you are so loved and special too!   What a beautiful example of someone doing service for others.
Speaking of Easter eggs, this year is going to be tough without you.  I remember last year so clearly.  I was so excited to go back to our old ward (The Huntington Beach Ward) to show you off and how great you were doing!  They were all there for you from the day you were born until you turned one and we moved.  Everyone there loved you so very much.  They served our family and prayed for you more than I'd ever thought possible or seen before in my life.  The Easter before that you were in the hospital, so last Easter was extra special for me because we were all together: Daddy and Mommy and our three beautiful girls!  I remember I had all three of you dressed in matching pink and white dresses and I literally burst at the seams with pride as we walked into church that Easter Sunday morning as a complete and beautiful family!  The family I had always dreamed of...complete, beautiful, and perfect at that very moment.  Of course, you had no idea of the significance of it all and walked in there as you did you owned the place!  Anyways, little did I know why that Easter was so special.  I could have never even thought it possible that I would be spending the rest of my Easters here on Earth without you.  

I remember after church we all went outside and took a family picture and I put bunny ears on you and your sisters.  Of course, you didn't want to wear them and kept pulling them off, but we still managed to get a cute picture!

Now this Easter, of course, has a whole new meaning.  I'm sure it's going to hit me because I thought I was prepared for Christmas and it literally knocked me off my feet.  I'm just hoping I'll be able to focus on the hope that Easter brings with it and the importance of that beautiful resurrection!  I'm also hoping you'll be with us, if even for a small moment.  I just want to feel your presence around me.  

I miss you so much Hailey.  My heart aches, as do my arms, to hold you.  You are such a beautiful, special little girl and obviously our Heavenly Father thought so too, which is why He made you an angel.  I can't wait until that day when you are also resurrected from the grave as our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was.  Now that will be a BEAU'FUL day!!  
I love you baby girl!  Love, Mommy

Some pictures from last Easter:

The girls with the Easter Bunny!
(Check out Hailey's chips...that's how we bribed her to smile!)

On an Easter Egg Hunt!

The true Hailey comes out!
(She wanted more chips!!!)

My THREE beau'ful girls!

Our family picture!
(Hailey was trying to take her ears off!)


It was absolutely BEAU'FUL!!!  We got up and the girls checked out their Easter baskets.  The Easter bunny even left a basket for Hailey with a couple things for her place and also a bag of Lay's potato chips.  

We were so thought of today!  Several of our friends from church stopped by bearing thoughtful little tokens of their love and compassion for us on this day!  We received the best homemade bread ever, a very touching and beautiful picture book on the meaning of Easter, and a loaf of Friendship Bread that was insanely good!  Hailey even received a few gifts at her place: an adorable wooden flower, a pot of Easter Lilies, and adorable balloon, a stuffed baby chick...etc.  I can't thank all of you who thought of us and stopped by or offered up a prayer on our behalf!  We are so supported and feel so loved.

Later in the afternoon our neighbors came over for dinner and afterward we drove down a canyon road behind my house to a beautiful stream running in between the mountains.  There's really nothing out there but mountains and tons of rocks (My Sienna rocked it!).  The kids played in the water, jumped rocks, and Lexi even caught some tadpoles!  But more importantly, and miraculously, my mother seriously found a dime!!  Okay, when I say there is nothing out there...I mean it!  No stores, houses, paved roads, etc.  She was walking through a ton of rocks, happened to look down and no joke, there was a dime laying in amongst them all!!!  Talk about an Easter miracle.  My Hailey was there!  I mean what are the odds that someone would find a dime out in the middle of nature?  It was literally like finding a needle in a haystack.  Anyways, I took a picture so you could see what I mean by it being a miracle.
After spending a little while there, we all drove to Hailey's place and sat with her.  It couldn't have been a nicer day!  Thank you Hailey for visiting us...and Thank You Lord for allowing her to do so!  As I've said before, we are seriously so blessed.  Our Hailey is ALWAYS here with us!  I love it!

Pictures from this Easter:

At Hailey's Place

Can you find the dime?
(My mom did!)

The proud Grandma with her dime!
(Thanks Hailey!)


  1. Mazie' s Miracle Dime!! Gma Pat's miracle jeeps! Tender mercies from Heavenly Father and Hailey to her 2 grandmas. Hailey made sure her mom and dad and lexi and ava knew she was with them on this glorious day. You are in our prayers EVERY day...
    We love you.
    He is risen. And so will we all be.
    Love forever,

  2. That is awesome, it brought tears to my eyes. I am so glad you guys had a beautiful day!!!

  3. You are such a great example of strength and I admire you!! Im so glad you had a Beautiful Easter and that Haily made her apperance! You and especially Lexie have been in my prayers!
    Lots of Love, Janelle

  4. Darn it ... I should know better than to read your blog without having a box of tissues near me. Wait, I have to go get one. :) I am just giddy about this dime story. Not that the others weren't AWESOME (cause they were), but this is a true miracle. Hailey IS there with you. There is no doubt. And I love that God is allowing her the physical connection with you and your family, even if it's as little a thing as a dime. I think of this all the time.

    Your testimony and experiences like this give me a fresh outlook on death. I pray to God that nothing ever happens to my boys, but seeing that Hailey is still showing her love for you just gives me so much hope for life 'after'. Yay for tender mercies like Hailey's Dimes! :)