This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Happy 5th Birthday Hailey

Today would have been Hailey’s 5th birthday.  It’s 3:30pm right now as I’m typing this and I haven’t cried until now.  I thought I was going to get through the day without tears, but as soon as I started typing the flood gates opened.  It sucks because I want so badly to be happy, but I’m not at all.  I get so angry at myself for not being able to snap out of my dumpy mood and just be grateful for all the wonderful blessings I still have.  I'm also a little confused because I don't even really feel sad either, but instead very irritable and tired.  It’s taking every ounce of physical strength I have to get through the day.  If I could have it my way, I would literally stay in bed all day long, curl up in the fetal position, and sleep the entire day…partially because I’m so darn tired from having a new baby and partially because I’m emotionally and mentally drained. 

It’s really hard to grieve when you have other children at home.  I guess in some ways that’s a good thing because it keeps me from wallowing in misery or dwelling on the absence of Hailey, but then again some days that's exactly what I want to do and feel like I deserve to be able to do. On those days I get really frustrated and overwhelmed because I can’t be alone with my thoughts and grief.  Today, for example, has been really rough because my kids don’t understand nor really care how I’m feeling or what I’m going through, which is normal for kids, I know.  But Lexi has been following me around since I got up this morning, talking my ears off, wanting to bake and decorate a cake and plan a party and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…  At least that’s how I feel. 

On top of being completely exhausted and drained emotionally, mentally, and physically from grief, childbirth, and three kids home during the summer, I feel horrible that I just don’t have the energy to be as excited as Lexi is.  I feel so guilty when I tell her I need some time alone or I get short with her because I just want to get through one complete thought without being interrupted. I would do anything to be able to let loose and enjoy the day and be excited to "celebrate" Hailey's birthday, but instead I feel horrible, like I’m walking around with a ton of bricks on my shoulders that I can’t seem to shrug off.   Gosh, now I feel bad that this post is so negative, but I guess that’s just the reality of where I am right now.

On a more positive note, I went by Hailey’s Place today so we could decorate for her birthday.  It's kind of a neat little tradition there that when a child has a birthday their family will decorate their stone, as well as leave little favors or cupcakes on the stones of the other children who's families they've met and gotten to know.  So Lexi picked out some cute little party favors and confetti to leave at some of Hailey's "friends" stones as well!  When we arrived and I saw that a bunch of people had already stopped by and left little notes, gifts, and flowers for Hailey my day was definitely brightened and it put a big smile on my face!  Tonight I’m going to dinner with my family at one of Hailey’s favorite restaurants and then we’re all going to Hailey’s Place to sing Happy Birthday and have some cake, so that should be nice.

Oh, and this morning while driving Ava to school a Lay’s truck passed right in front of us, which made me think that Hailey is here with us today!  I love her and miss her so much and I’m so grateful for my faith and the knowledge that I will get to be with her again one day!  I honestly can’t wait until then!  What a BEAU’FUL day that will be!


Well I have to say that my day ended much better than it began!  After writing the above bit I felt somewhat relieved…I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.  Later we went out to dinner and then had dessert at Hailey’s Place.  It was the most beautiful night ever.  The weather was perfect. 

I will admit that it was tough visiting her and thinking of what a 5 year old’s birthday should be like…definitely not like that.  I shouldn’t be singing Happy Birthday to my daughter on her 5th birthday at her gravesite.  But then again, I realized that it’s not really for me to determine what any birthday should be like.  I’m learning that the only way things should be or the only way they are “right” is exactly the way they are.  Does that make sense?  Things are the way they are because that’s exactly how they are supposed to be…otherwise they would be different.  (Not that I always agree or am okay with that!)  Anyways, that’s my deep thought for the day.

The Lord definitely blessed me today and I know that Hailey is the luckiest little girl to be able to celebrate her birthday with Him.  How many kids can say they celebrated their 5th birthday with Jesus and their Father in Heaven?

P.S. I forgot my camera when we went to visit Hailey, so these pictures are from my iPhone and not the best quality...but at least I've got something!!
So many people stopped by and left things!

Lexi wanted a princess theme because she thought that's what Hailey would be into if she were still here.  We happened to find a gold princess crown that says, "Angel" on it!   We also found confetti with Hailey's name!

Happy Birthday Hailey...We LOVE you!

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