This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Saturday, July 9, 2011

New Baby, New Emotions

I know it’s been quite a while since I’ve last written, but I do have a good excuse! As most of you already know, I just had a baby!  Our little Joey will already be one month old on Monday.  He’s been a wonderful, but chaotic addition to the family.  I don’t know how I did it with 3 kids before because I feel like I’m trying to learn the ropes all over again. 

It’s been wonderful having our little guy here and I often sit and stare at him wondering if Hailey is around.  I’m guessing she is because someone once told me that the closer your loved ones (who have passed away) are the more you miss them, which must be true because I’m am missing Hailey now more than ever.  I think when they’re close by it’s harder emotionally because you can subconsciously feel their presence but can’t physically see them or reach out and pull them to you in a big, huge hug.  Does that make sense?

I have to admit that I wasn’t the least bit prepared for the emotions and vulnerability having a new baby would rekindle.  I thought I was starting to heal from Hailey’s loss, but now I think I was fooling myself.  This past month, since Joey’s been born, I feel like I did the first month after Hailey died.  I’ve cried for her almost everyday and that wound in my heart is wide open again.  I’m sure some of it has to do with all the hormonal stuff and the sheer exhaustion of having a new baby, but I’m not quite sure where the rest of it came from.  All I know is that it’s been a lot more difficult than I had anticipated.  I miss her so much.  Looking at pictures of her, listening to music, hearing my girls laugh or cry, visiting her place, etc., etc., causes me to break down in tears.  She is on my mind 24 hours a day.

It’s very hard to see Lexi and Ava loving their little brother so much and not having Hailey here to experience it too.  Yes, I know she’s here spiritually.  I know she’s probably around him all the time, which is great and all, but I want to see it.  Hailey was so great with Ava when she was born!  She just adored her and I want to see that with her little brother. It may sound odd, but sometimes I feel guilty that I have all my kids here with me except for her.  I thought having Joey would make our family feel complete, which in some ways it does because he’s our last, but in other ways it feels so incomplete because Hailey’s not here.  I think in some ways I felt better knowing that she had her little brother up there with her and now that he’s here with us I feel like I took him away from her.  Now, I totally know that’s not really how it all works but my mind has an amazing way of making up great stories!

Anyways, I’m hoping that things will start to get easier again once life falls into a pattern of normalcy and we get used to our “new” little family.  Although, this next few months are going to be somewhat of a roller coaster.  Going back a couple months there have been some big events that have occurred that make missing Hailey that much harder: May - was Mother’s Day, June - Joey was born, July 20th – would be Hailey’s 5th birthday, August 11th – is 2 years since Hailey died, September – Hailey would have been starting Kindergarten, and so on.  That’s one of the worst things about grief…there’s always something.  And unfortunately the anticipation of those days/events is often much worse than the actual day/event itself.  I say unfortunately because the anticipation can start months before the day, whereas the actual day is over so quickly. 

I’m really working on just living in the now and enjoying this new precious gift that Hailey has sent us.  We do love our little guy!  I can’t wait to see him grow up and tell him all about his big sister.  He will know her just as well as the rest of us.  (He probably already does!)

I’m going to try to stay caught up now, but it’s often hard to find time to write because it’s such an emotional thing for me to do so I need it to be quiet (which is very rare in my house right now!) and I need to be in the right frame of mind.  By the end of the day, I’m so exhausted that I can’t handle the emotional side of writing, but I’m going to work on it because it’s a great release for me to get it all out.

Our first family photo after Joey was born!

My beautiful children

Joey's first visit with his big sister...

1 comment:

  1. I think that are you are doing a wonderful job of how you handle everything, although you feel guilty when you never should, all the emotions that you endure are normal, and you do better with those feeling then people expect. Your new family is beautiful, and I'm sure Hailey is near by because she wouldn't want to miss out. Not to mention that Hailey and Joey already hung out in heaven. I'm sure Hailey already told him all about his parents and his sister. (and things he can do later to bug you guys :) I'm so sorry that you have to go through this and nothing I ever say can make it go away, but I will never stop praying for you, ever, ever :) and just think about how many lives have have changed because of a three year old little girl. Keep in mind too that she is experiencing happiness that we can't even imagine, and nothing can hurt her now, that one day you will be a whole family once again and that she does visit. Remember that our heavenly father will never leave your side and ask him to carry you when you need it, and don't short yourself on how strong you are and if you cry for 72 hours straight that doesn't mean your still not the strongest women in the world :)My thoughts and prayers are always with you.