This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Thursday, October 8, 2009

The First Day of School

Journal Entry Written: September 11, 2009

Hey Oogy-

Well yesterday didn't turn out as tough as I thought it would. It was Lexi's first day of school and what would have been your first day of preschool. The night before, I ran to the store to get Lexi some stuff for lunch. We decided to surprise her with a bag of Lay's chips from you in her backpack. As soon as I saw the bags of chips in the supermarket aisle I lost it. I was able to slightly pull myself together for the 3 minutes it took me to checkout, but as soon as I stepped out of the store the floodgates opened full force and I sobbed. I couldn't help but picture your adorable little face, with that huge proud smile on it and your excitement radiating everywhere on your first day of school. It crushed me to my core. I felt that it was so unfair, SO UNFAIR. After I had worked so hard over the last 3 years at raising you and just keeping you alive at times, when you were finally at the top of your game, ready to be a "normal" preschool child, you were just ripped out of my life. Almost in an instant you were gone. Why don't I get to see my baby girl start preschool? Don't I deserve to see your proud face as you ride the "lellow bus?" Shouldn't I have a picture of my 2 girls together on their first day of school? So why this? Why me? Why you? Just plain WHY?

As I'm crying and playing into my own little pity party, I felt you say to me, "Mom, I'm in school. The best school you could ever imagine and I'm loving it!" That is awesome, but still selfishly I want to see it. I want to watch you learn and grow. Yet, once again, I am reminded that you chose to be there and that you're happy. You have no idea the peace and comfort that gives me. I could just feel you sitting there in my car with me, hugging me, and giving me peace.

The morning went as good as I could have expected...maybe even a little better. I decided I needed to put my sadness aside and give Lexi the best first day of school send off. She deserved that and I know you wouldn't have wanted anything less. So I cried my eyes out the night before and then woke up in the morning ready to celebrate your big sister's first day of 1st grade! We brought your little monkey so we could take pictures and remember that you were there with us. I even smiled in the pictures...I have to boast a little and say I was very proud of myself!

My mom took this picture and when I looked at it later I noticed Hailey in the background smiling for her big sister!
All of us smiling!
My "3" girls.
I don't think I ever realized how much you loved me until all this has happened. Thank you so much for being there and watching over your sister on her first day of school. We were really nervous because of one of the boys in her class, but she LOVES her teacher and made some new friends and it all turned out awesome! When Nancy called to tell me who Lexi's teacher was she specifically said, "Someone is watching over you!" Hmmm...I wonder who that could be! Apparently her teacher is one of the best, especially for her situation right now. So thank you again for taking care of your big sister. She loves you more that you will ever know.

Anyways...Now I have to say thank you, thank you, thank you for my dime!!! You ALWAYS come through for me when I need you!

(For those of you who don't know what I mean by the dime, let me share another miracle from my little girl. After we dropped Lexi off at school on her first day, we went out to breakfast to help me keep busy since it was such a tough day. By we, I mean my mom, and 2 other close family friends. Anyways, of course, I'm looking everywhere for my dime! After paying we all took our food outside and then I walked back into the restaurant to get my drink. As I walked up to the soda fountain (Yes, Diet Coke at breakfast. I figured I deserved a break that day!) I saw something twinkle in the light and right on the floor next to a lady's foot was a dime. Yep...I'm totally serious!)

Another entry from later the same day...

Back again! Lexi and Auntie Kim are sitting together at your place talking to you while I'm waiting here in the car with Ava. It touches my heart to see them together telling you everything about their day. They love you so do I.

Love Always,


  1. Wendy,

    Everytime I read your update I get a little teary. Mostly, because I am so proud of who you are...the woman, the mother, the wife, the friend. You have taken a tragic situation and shined your own light on it...of course with the help of our "beau-ful" Hailey! She will always live on, because of you! I just adore you!
    xoxox ~ Kristen (and of course Hannah who LOVES you!)

  2. Dearest Wendy

    As I looked at the picture with Hailey's smile shining down on you and Lexi I was so overwhelmed by this tender mercy... Truly the shot itself showed Hailey's light filled face so happy for you two. Heavenly Father is sending Hailey on these little missions to make sure YOU know not only that Hailey loves you, But that HE does too. Love you forever, pat