This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Sunday, October 4, 2009

Journal Entry: September 6, 2009

Hi Baby-

Well I'm doing pretty good today. The last few days have been okay. I just wanted to tell you a neat story Grampies told me last night. Lexi spent the night at their house and when she walked in there were pictures of you on their counter. Lexi picked them up and asked Grampies if he would sit and look at them with her. Of course he said yes. She told him that she didn't want to look at them but she needed to. As they were going through the pictures, Lexi was telling Grampies how much she missed you. All of a sudden she asked Grampies if she could have a minute alone. She went into their bedroom and knelt down on the floor by the bed, put her hands on the bed and started talking to you. (Grampies was spying through the blinds from outside.) He said he couldn't hear everything she was saying, but he did hear her telling you how much she misses you. I know she does. She's a strong little girl, but I'm worried about her. She won't let herself cry, at least in front of people, which worries me. I'm worried that she has all these emotions built up and doesn't know how to release them. So please baby, I'm begging you once again, to watch over your big sister. Please send her little signs, talk to her, and stay close to her for me. She loves and needs you.

I love you baby girl.

Love, Mommy


  1. Poor Lexi,
    We will keep her in our thoughts too...

  2. Hi Wendy,
    I knew Sean from Emmaus, but have not had the pleasure of meeting you. I have watched your saga unfold via facebook and now your blog. I too did not want to be a silent lurker but felt awkward commenting on your blog. I am assuming that as you are being so open (which by the way totally impresses me) that you will be happy to have feedback and support (even if you don't know me).

    I was 6 years old when my 5 year old brother passed away. I too did not cry. It took me about 8 weeks after his death and then I cried and cried and cried some more. In hind sight I think that I did not cry in the beginning because I did not want to make anyone around me more sad than they already were. After awhile when things seemed more "normal" around our house it hit me.

    I still am the last one to cry whenever anything goes wrong. I take care of everyone else, and then at the oddest time I lose it. I am not sure if this is a healthy coping mechanism, but it has worked for me. It is not that I don't feel sad, it is just that I worry about everyone else so much I cannot thing of myself until later.

    Obviously, I have no idea what little Lexi is going through as everyone grieves differently, but if knowing that I made it through gives you any comfort at all, then I am glad I opened my mouth.

    You and Sean (and the girls) are always in our thoughts and prayers. My three little hooligans are almost the same ages as yours, this coupled with the loss of a brother make my heart bleed for you. I know that I don't know you, but I do want you to know that I think that you are amazingly strong and I admire your willingness to share your loss with the rest of us. I have sent Sean a couple of messages, but just wanted to let you know that we (the silent masses) have not forgotten you and are still praying for you daily.

    -Becky Edwards