Well as you can tell by the title, it's New Year's Eve. I can't say I'm excited this year to "ring" it in. Actually, for the first time ever in my life, I am honestly soooo ready for the holidays to be over. I'm totally over Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day...etc, etc, etc. Tonight I'm feeling a little down. (Actually a lot down.) I'm exhausted from only getting 4 hours sleep last night and dealing with a stubborn, little one year old today and it seems that when I'm tired, my grief tends to get the best of me.
I went to Hailey's Place today and had a good cry (and talk with her). I just miss her so very much. As I've mentioned before, I've heard from others who have lost children that the 6 month mark gets reeeeeeally tough. For a while I thought that maybe I would be the exception, but now I'm starting to realize that grief doesn't really have exceptions. It's just one of those things that really can't be avoided, no matter how much faith you have. Hailey's only been gone for 4 and a half months and I've already had to spend Lexi's birthday, Hailey's first day of Preschool, Sean's birthday, my birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve and in a few hours New Year's Day by my daughter's graveside. I kind of feel like it's been a little much. Honestly, I'm so over it. Done.
I can't stand not having her around. I can't stand not hearing her giggles, yells, cries, I love you's, etc. I can't stand not being able to see her sparkly blue eyes and crooked little smile. I can't stand not being able hold her, tickle her, and watch her grow and learn. I just can't stand it.
Sorry to be so down on what should be a fun and exciting night, but unfortunately for me, tonight is just a reminder that I'm going to spend the whole year of 2010 and the whole year of 2011 and the whole year of every other 2000 without my Hailey.
I'll check back tomorrow and let you know how it's going.
Oh, on a really neat and positive note, I do have one thing I thought about that I wanted to share. On Christmas night when I had my major emotional breakdown I got to a point that I literally didn't think I could take one more moment of the grief. I literally laid on my bathroom floor and wailed. I prayed and begged and prayed and begged for the Lord to take the pain away. I felt for the first time that I wanted to die and be with Hailey. (Don't worry, I'm okay...I won't be doing anything drastic!) Anyways, after what seemed like literally hours (and who knows, maybe it was...time wasn't a factor at this point) I was finally able to stand up and sit on the edge of my bed. All of a sudden I felt an amazingly peaceful, calm come over me. I felt as if Hailey had entered the room and was standing right there with me. It was as if she was saying, "It's okay Mommy, I'm here now." I didn't literally hear that, as I did that night in my kitchen when I heard her tell me she chose to go, but I felt it so strongly I might as well have heard it. I just sat there, suddenly at peace, and took in the feeling. I pictured in my mind my little Hailey partying it up at Jesus' birthday party...eating all the "lellow peesh"...and a couple angels coming up to her saying, "Hailey girl...can you come with us for a few minutes? Your mommy needs you right now." And of course, my baby girl would say, "O-tay, me go!" Anyways, I'm not claiming in any way that this actually happened up in the heavens above! It's just what I felt and pictured in my head. The only thing that I will claim to be true is that at my lowest possible moment, I felt a peace like the one I felt when I saw her for the first time in her "bed" and I knew she was there. Once again, another tender mercy from my Father in Heaven. Another reminder that in the most difficult time of my life, I am still truly loved and blessed!