Well it's 3:30 in the morning here and I'm still up. I feel like I've been pretty strong so far this holiday season, but I think the reality is finally starting to hit me. I'm sitting here with tears pouring down my face and my whole body literally aching to hold my little girl. I just want to walk into her room and check on her sleeping peacefully. I want to watch her chest rise and fall as she breathes and her little lips move as she dreams. I can't believe she's really not going to be here Christmas morning to come running down the stairs, yelling with excitement. How am I seriously going to do this?
I didn't want to come on here and write about my pain because I wanted to play the strong front and not bring anyone down during Christmas, but I also said that I would be totally honest. Well, unfortunately, the truth hurts...me, especially. The pain right now is so strong I don't even know what to do. It's 3:30 in the morning and I haven't slept a wink yet, not to mention, I'm still wide awake. I have to get up in 3 hours to take care of Lexi and Ava, wrap presents, go on with the day, and somehow show excitement about the fact that Santa is coming tonight. Where in the world am I going to get the energy and strength to do this?
I think in many ways, I'm still in a lot of denial that Hailey is really gone. Every holiday that goes by without her just brings home that fact even more. It rips the scab off the wound and causes it to pour blood yet again. I do have my faith and beliefs and know that she isn't "completely" gone and will be with us spiritually, but honestly, right now, that's just not good enough for me. Even if she is happier where she is, I don't want her there. I want her here with me, with her Daddy, her sisters, her Auntie Kim, and grandparents. I just don't feel like that's too much to ask.
This really is so unfair. Last Sunday Lexi came to me and told me it was one of the saddest days of her life. When I asked her why, she said it was because all the little nursery children (at church) came into Primary to check it out because they would be starting in January. She was so sad because Hailey wasn't there. She was telling me how her friend's little brother always sits on her lap during Primary and how she thought that Hailey would have wanted to do the same thing with her. (At our church, children from ages 18 months - 3 years old go to nursery. At 3, they get to go to Primary. These are like Sunday school classes.) What do I say to that? I was actually so excited to see her there too. Lexi sang in church last week and I kept thinking of how Hailey would have been up there with her the next time they sang if she was here. (Sorry this was totally off the topic, but just came to my mind.)
Anyways, I really don't have much else to say right now. I'm just really praying and relying on my faith to get me through. I always try to remember the last line of the poem Footprints in the Sand, "It was then that I carried you."
I will try to post again tonight to let you all know how things are going. Thank you again for all the love and support. I truly would not be here without it.