This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Eve #2

It's now 8:54pm on Christmas Eve.  I made it through the day, but not totally easily.  I was obviously beyond exhausted, which causes my emotions to come up a lot quicker.  In the afternoon I took a nap and then went to Hailey's Place to write her a letter.  Since I started blogging, I turned my written journal into more letters to Hailey.  I feel really close to her as I write her letters.  As I sat there and wrote to her, the tears started to flow again.  The pain that I have gotten so good at suppressing all came flooding back and literally burned like someone lit a flame in my chest.

The cemetery did look absolutely gorgeous though.  I hope when I pass away I'll be remembered as much as those people.  Hailey's Place also looked beautiful.  Thank you so much to all of you who took the time to stop by and visit her.  You have no idea how much that means to me and my family.  I took some pictures of her place all decorated that I'll put up tomorrow.  (I still have wrapping to do tonight!)

We always exchange our family gifts on Christmas Eve so in the morning the kids can spend all their time opening their presents from Santa.  Well, the first gift my sister gave to Sean and me was a life-sized cardboard cutout of Hailey.  It may sound creepy to some, but it was actually awesome!  Of course, I started to bawl my eyes out looking at it, but as soon as I got it all out we stood her in front of the Christmas tree and it felt like she was right there with us.  I'll post the picture of her tomorrow as well.  (Oh, and no, I won't go crazy and start carrying her around with me...I think the Tinkerbell will do just fine!)  

I also made photo books for Sean, Kim, Lexi, and my parents with all the pictures I had of Hailey with each of them individually.  I gave those at the end because I knew the tears would flow...and that they did.  It was quite emotional.  I am still in total shock that I am spending Christmas without my baby girl here.  I would have never dreamed this in a trillion years.  

I'm going to go spend some more time with my family tonight, but I wanted to let you all know that your prayers and thoughts are working.  I still feel blessed and grateful for the things I do have.  My husband rocks, my kids rock, family rocks, my friends rock.  I have a knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and my daughter lives with Him right now as we live here.  

Please remember the true reason we celebrate Christmas.  

I'll be back on tomorrow to let you know how Christmas morning went.  With love and happy wishes to you all.

Love, Wendy


  1. Wendy, what wonderful and thoughtful gifts to give each other. You truly have the Spirit of the holiday. God Bless your entire family. I am looking forward to the pictures!!

  2. I am so glad you made it through today Wendy. One day at a time. I hope that your family find some moments of laughter and joy tomorrow in amongst the sadness. I know Hailey would be so happy to see you enjoy yourselves and celebrate Christmas for your other precious children. Sending our love around the world to you xoxo