Honestly, I was not even close to prepared for how difficult today would be. I thought that since I've been so strong all along, I'd be strong today also. Nope...not even close. I have to admit that today was probably the most difficult day of my entire life, along with the day I lost Hailey, and the day I said goodbye at her funeral. All I can do is cry.
This is one of the reasons why I waited until tonight to write. I didn't want to make anyone else's day less joyful or magical or cause anyone to feel sorry for me. But the pain I feel right now is so intense I literally cannot describe it in words. I have to say that I am so grateful for my family who took my children under their wing today while I basically shut down. Again, I really wasn't expecting to take it so hard, so it completely threw me for a loop. I didn't sleep well last night (or the night before) so I was beyond exhausted. After watching Lexi open her presents, I came up to my room and sobbed hysterically for quite a while. Then I slept from 9:00 in the morning until around 2:00 in the afternoon, and I still wasn't even close to being ready to get up, but I knew I had to at some point. I walked around all day like a zombie. Emotionally it took all the strength I had to hold it together for the little time that I did and physically I was so sick. I could barely move. I was nauseous. I had a raging headache. And believe it or not, I was so exhausted I felt dizzy. Not to mention, those of you who know me, know that I can talk! Well today, I barely said 10 words and it really was only to answer those who spoke to me first. Facing the day was almost more than I could bear. I am still in shock at how hard it was. Although my family was very understanding and supportive (Thanks Mom!) I still felt so lonely.
I must have really been in denial, but I seriously thought that I would be a little bummed today without Hailey, but still able to function and enjoy the day. Wow, was I wrong. It kind of scares me a little. Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Maybe I don't have the faith that I thought I did. Maybe reality is finally starting to really set in. It's that last statement that terrifies me the most. If I start feeling like this everyday I don't know what I'll do. I mean, I couldn't even take care of myself today, let alone my poor children. The funny thing is, I am so glad for all this hoopla to be over, yet I'm actually kind of sad it is too. I'm just so scared that the way I feel today will be how I'm going to feel tomorrow and the next day and the next day...
Hailey's Place was so beautiful today when we went to visit. But again I was caught really off guard. I usually love being there. I always feel so much peace when I'm there. But today, I didn't. It hurt to be there. It ripped my soul apart. I never thought I'd be spending a Christmas day at the graveside of my precious daughter. I seriously wanted to get down on my knees and dig up the dirt and grab my baby girl into my arms and hug her little adorable body as tight as I possibly could and NEVER let her go. I wanted to shake her, like I did that day I found her, and yell at her to wake up. I seriously cannot believe this is my reality. Stuff like this doesn't happen to me.
As I talked to my mother-in-law today she told me how the Lord will one day compensate me for all this pain and grief I'm going through. But honestly, I just don't know how that could possibly be true. I mean those of you who follow my blog know that I am full of faith, but honestly, I really don't know that there's anything that could ever compensate for this pain and heartache. It's beyond anything I could have ever imagined or thought I understood. I feel selfish admitting this too, because we have been able to help so many people through this experience. But I still want my daughter back. If I could have her back, I'd sell EVERYTHING I own to raise enough money to "re-help" those people. I don't care what I'd have to give up.
Anyways, I do want to apologize for not writing an uplifting blog today on such an important day in the lives of Christians, but honestly, I'm just not feeling it right now. I wish I could have had some really cool story or miracle to write so you all felt uplifted and joyful, but I don't. And I'm sorry for that. I truly am. The only thing I can say is that I do still have my faith and although my pain is beyond words, I am not angry at God for this trial. I am sad though. I know they say that God won't give us more than we can handle, but I think that's easy to say when we aren't handling something that seems beyond our capacity.
Thank you again to all of you who remembered us today. I live off your little notes and messages. They mean the world to me. And I do truly hope, with all my heart, that each of you had a wonderful Christmas or other holiday that you may celebrate.