This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Friday, December 25, 2009


Honestly, I was not even close to prepared for how difficult today would be.  I thought that since I've been so strong all along, I'd be strong today also.  Nope...not even close.  I have to admit that today was probably the most difficult day of my entire life, along with the day I lost Hailey, and the day I said goodbye at her funeral.  All I can do is cry.  

This is one of the reasons why I waited until tonight to write.  I didn't want to make anyone else's day less joyful or magical or cause anyone to feel sorry for me.  But the pain I feel right now is so intense I literally cannot describe it in words.  I have to say that I am so grateful for my family who took my children under their wing today while I basically shut down.  Again, I really wasn't expecting to take it so hard, so it completely threw me for a loop.  I didn't sleep well last night (or the night before) so I was beyond exhausted.  After watching Lexi open her presents, I came up to my room and sobbed hysterically for quite a while.  Then I slept from 9:00 in the morning until around 2:00 in the afternoon, and I still wasn't even close to being ready to get up, but I knew I had to at some point.  I walked around all day like a zombie.  Emotionally it took all the strength I had to hold it together for the little time that I did and physically I was so sick.  I could barely move.  I was nauseous.  I had a raging headache.  And believe it or not, I was so exhausted I felt dizzy.  Not to mention, those of you who know me, know that I can talk!  Well today, I barely said 10 words and it really was only to answer those who spoke to me first.  Facing the day was almost more than I could bear.  I am still in shock at how hard it was.  Although my family was very understanding and supportive (Thanks Mom!) I still felt so lonely.  

I must have really been in denial, but I seriously thought that I would be a little bummed today without Hailey, but still able to function and enjoy the day.  Wow, was I wrong.  It kind of scares me a little.  Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was.  Maybe I don't have the faith that I thought I did.  Maybe reality is finally starting to really set in.  It's that last statement that terrifies me the most.  If I start feeling like this everyday I don't know what I'll do.  I mean, I couldn't even take care of myself today, let alone my poor children.  The funny thing is, I am so glad for all this hoopla to be over, yet I'm actually kind of sad it is too.  I'm just so scared that the way I feel today will be how I'm going to feel tomorrow and the next day and the next day...

Hailey's Place was so beautiful today when we went to visit.  But again I was caught really off guard.  I usually love being there.  I always feel so much peace when I'm there.  But today, I didn't.  It hurt to be there.  It ripped my soul apart.  I never thought I'd be spending a Christmas day at the graveside of my precious daughter.  I seriously wanted to get down on my knees and dig up the dirt and grab my baby girl into my arms and hug her little adorable body as tight as I possibly could and NEVER let her go.  I wanted to shake her, like I did that day I found her, and yell at her to wake up.  I seriously cannot believe this is my reality.  Stuff like this doesn't happen to me.  

As I talked to my mother-in-law today she told me how the Lord will one day compensate me for all this pain and grief I'm going through.  But honestly, I just don't know how that could possibly be true.  I mean those of you who follow my blog know that I am full of faith, but honestly, I really don't know that there's anything that could ever compensate for this pain and heartache.  It's beyond anything I could have ever imagined or thought I understood. I feel selfish admitting this too, because we have been able to help so many people through this experience.  But I still want my daughter back.  If I could have her back, I'd sell EVERYTHING I own to raise enough money to "re-help" those people.  I don't care what I'd have to give up. 

Anyways, I do want to apologize for not writing an uplifting blog today on such an important day in the lives of Christians, but honestly, I'm just not feeling it right now.  I wish I could have had some really cool story or miracle to write so you all felt uplifted and joyful, but I don't.  And I'm sorry for that.  I truly am.  The only thing I can say is that I do still have my faith and although my pain is beyond words, I am not angry at God for this trial.  I am sad though.  I know they say that God won't give us more than we can handle, but I think that's easy to say when we aren't handling something that seems beyond our capacity. 

Thank you again to all of you who remembered us today.  I live off your little notes and messages.  They mean the world to me.  And I do truly hope, with all my heart, that each of you had a wonderful Christmas or other holiday that you may celebrate.  

With Love.


  1. Oh comes in waves my friend. And never when we are braced for it. You move along, day by day and think you are making steps toward improvement and then whammo, you are taken to your knees. All I can tell you from my last year is that you will recover more quickly from the waves and learn to cope a little better each time. Be kind to yourself and allow it to come. By allowing the waves to wash over you, in a way, you are staying connected to Hailey. I hope that in the coming days after such a hard time, you find some moments of rest and peace. I love you my friend and am so sorry you have had such a hard time.

  2. Dear Wendy,

    As I said in my previous comment to you (maybe back in October?), I don't know you, but I went to school with Sean and Dave. I, like many others who may or may not know you, check your blog from time to time to see how you are doing. When I read this entry from you, I just wanted to fly across the country to hug you! My husband and I have a 2 year old daughter, and every so often, I think to myself, "how could I handle if anything happened to her?" I think of you often, and am always amazed at how candid you are in your blogs. I think it's a WONDERFUL thing, and certainly very theraupeutic. I know you question your strength sometimes, but my goodness, please don't be so hard on yourself. When you cry, it's not a sign of weakness. Actually, it's truly a sign of strength. I honestly think that it's part of your body and soul "venting" out your emotions, which in turn slowly helps your healing. I know in your latest entry, you said you were already feeling better. That's wonderful. As I said, though I don't know you, I honestly care about you and your family. You seem like an amazing, incredibly person... please don't forget that. And just remember- you are not weak for having meltdowns from time to time, or for crying hysterically, especially on a day like Christmas. God bless you, Wendy.

    Angela (Kuhns) Davis
    Easton, PA

  3. I don't know how I stumbled onto your blog but here I am feeling so sad for you. I'm a mother of 3. I can't begin to imagine what you have and are going through, my heart breaks for you. Hailey is beautiful! I also have a daughter name Hayley, she's 11 now. I will hold you close in my heart and prayers.
    Can I ask what Hailey passed away from, somehow I must have missed that.
    Take care.....

  4. i dont think you should have to apologize for expressing your sadness! this blog is your haven. not to mention you do have a disclaimer that it's your honest point of view! you don't have to be strong for everyone when it's hard enough to be strong for yourself and family. we should be strong for you not you strong for us!!

  5. also, i think everyone has one huge life trial. i think i had mine and you know what it was. my mom told me "the worst things happen to the best people". Emma and Joseph Smith lost 6 of their children at a young age. also, i seriously thought i wouldn't make it through those dark times and didn't think that the saying that God "will never give us more than we can handle" didn't apply to me. I can't believe I survived. But sometimes when you are in the depth of it, that is ALL you can do!!!! "get up every day, keep breathing in and out" (i know that seems hokey that it's from sleepless in seattle but it really helped me). don't feel bad for not being at your best, because you are going through the hardest thing ever and sometimes all you can do is survive. and that's all you need to do at those times. just surviving is an accomplishment.