This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Saturday, February 6, 2010

Rough Couple Days

Well the last few days have been really rough for some reason.  I've just been missing Hailey so much.  I've been holding back emotion for a few days now and finally had to get it out.  I've learned that's kind of how I grieve.  I go for a little while (a few days or sometimes weeks) feeling strong and doing well, then all of a sudden I feel my sadness start building up and building up until it finally boils over.

That's what happened tonight.  The last few days have been really slow and lonely.  I get bored really quickly now.  Life is so calm and mellow, which to some would seem great, but that's so not what I'm used to.  I'm a very anxious person so I really don't like loud noise and a lot of chaos, which Hailey did a great job of bringing around!  She just radiated loudness and chaos!  Of course, at the time, I used to get so freaking frustrated at her, but now, I would do anything to have that back again...anything.

So as the day went on, I could feel my emotions getting stronger and stronger and I just wanted so badly to break down and cry.  Lexi was so adorable.  I am very open and honest with her and try to let her in on my feelings.  I don't let her see me cry all the time because I want her to see me as she knew me before Hailey passed away and I also don't want to burden her with my grief and emotion. However, I do feel its important for her to see me cry at times so she knows that I have not and never will forget Hailey.  Plus, I think it gives her the okay to cry, too, when she's feeling sad.  Anyways, she went to Target today with Kim and bought me this little Tinkerbell journal from the dollar bin.  She was so excited to give it to me and even wrote me a note on the inside cover.  It said, "Dear: Mom this book is only for (dime stories, or stories about Hailey!) Love you! Love Lexi."  Then on the next page she wrote, "Dear Hailey, I found this dime at the _______."  Apparently I'm supposed to fill in the blank when I find a dime.  I seriously LOVE her!!  She also gave me her special necklace to wear that represents Hailey to her.

After putting Ava to bed, I decided to go for a ride in the car so I could be alone and break down.  I really don't show my pain or cry in front of people very often.  It takes a lot for me to go there, even with Sean.  For some reason, I just do better alone.  I didn't know where to go to be alone, so I just drove and ended up in the parking lot of Hailey's old therapy building.  She absolutely LOVED it there!  I would have to say that was probably her favorite place in the world to go.  Her therapists were amazing and Hailey always had a blast there.  We went there three days a week and I haven't been in that parking lot since Hailey died because it's so painful.  But since the cemetery was closed, I felt that would be the next best place to feel close to her.

I parked and sat there and just sobbed.  I talked to her and told her how unfair it is that she is gone.  Of course, I really never want anyone I know to truly understand what I'm going through and how I feel because of how horrible it is.  But on the other hand, it's tough because anyone who hasn't gone through it really doesn't have a clue of the pain it entails, which leaves me to feel very lonely at times.  Anyways, I then pulled up to the entrance and looked through the doors at the elevator we took up every time we were there.  I could just see her running up to push the buttons!  She loved doing that!  The memories and tears just flowed.

After a little while, my parents called me and we chatted for a bit.  I have to say that I am blessed to have two of the most amazing parents ever.  (Yes, and sister!) They are so supportive and have always been there for me...from the day Hailey was born.   (I mean before that too...)  I  just cried on the phone to them and finally felt strong enough to head home.  As I came around the corner in the parking lot, right there parked in front of me was a yellow jeep.  It sounds weird for a 3 year old to have a favorite car, but Hailey LOVED jeeps!  And according to my mom, yellow was her favorite color.  So yellow jeeps have always been another sign we've looked for.  Well there it was, sitting in the parking lot at 8:00 at night!  I just love my little girl.  She always comes through for me!

I feel much better now that I got it all out.  The rest of this week is looking up.  Tomorrow I have church, which always uplifts me and helps me to start the week off on a great note.  And my mother-in-law is coming out tomorrow night for a week.  I love her.  She is the most spiritual and comforting person to talk to, so it will be nice to have her here!

Until next time...


  1. Hang in there sweetie ... I can only imagine the roller coaster of emotions you face on a daily / weekly basis. Isn't it nice to know you can cry your heart out, write on your blog and somehow it feels just a little, teensy bit better? I wish I could take this pain away for you. As you said, one can't know how it feels unless they've gone through it. I can't begin to imagine, but sometimes I try and the thought of it is enough. Here's a BIG HUG from PA. :)

  2. The honest pouring out of emotion you express here on your blog is humbling. Never be afraid to speak your mind. You sound like you are doing a great job allowing your kids to see a little sadness but not enough to overwhelm them. I am thinking about you today.