This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy Valentine's Day & An Epiphany

Happy Valentine's Day to my little girl!  Hailey's Place is so adorable right now.  It is the most decorated one in the whole cemetery!  I cannot believe how loved she is...not just by family, but by friends and even those who have never met her.  It's such a heartwarming feeling when I go to visit her and I find little knickknacks or notes left by someone else who also visited when I wasn't there!

Hailey's Place all decorated for Valentine's Day!
(That red string is attached to a red heart balloon someone left!)

Here are some cute pictures I took of the girls last Valentine's Day!

This week has been tough...really tough.  I'm not quite sure why, could be the whole 6 month thing, an exhaustion thing, or even just a hormonal thing (I know TMI), but whatever it is, it's been tough.  I've really struggled emotionally.  After having a wonderful chat with my mother-in-law, who's out visiting, I did come to the realization that I seriously need to slow down a bit.  

Ever since Hailey passed away I've kept myself so busy that I haven't really given myself time to truly grieve.  I have my moments of course when the grief piles up so much that I have no choice by to let it out, but other than those moments, I pretty much live as if nothing ever happened.  One of my dear friends told me after Hailey passed away that grief is one of those things you have to go through, you can't go over it, under it, or around it because eventually it will come back to get you.  Well, I have to say that she was right.  I'm not one to grieve outwardly, crying a lot or acting sad in front of others, which is both good and bad.  It's good because others don't feel afraid or sad to be around's almost as if Hailey is still here when we're together.  It's bad because the emotion piles up inside and comes out in frustration, irritation, anxiety, impatience, etc...and it almost always comes out at the people I love the most and the people who deserve it the least (the emotional outbursts).  

So after chatting with my mother-in-law, who is a spiritual giant and a compassionate person through and through, I came to that realization of slowing down and allowing myself time to think, reflect, remember, rest, cry, and grieve.  I also think this will do wonders for Lexi too.  I keep her just as busy as myself, yet she is so much like me it's scary.  She needs some down time too,  for the exact same reasons as her mommy.  She loves to write letters to Hailey and make things for her and talk about her and visit her, so shame on me for not giving her the time to do that.    We're both exhausted emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I have to say that I'm grateful for my faith and spirituality.  It's the one thing that is not exhausted and has kept me going.  Although, I do really want to continue working on it.  I have a ridiculously hard time just sitting still and being.  And I have to say that I really do feel when Hailey is not around me.  When she's around I always feel this inner sense of peace and often hear that still small voice whisper in my ear that everything is going to be okay and that she is happy.  But when she's not around, I often feel anxious and lonely.  It's weird to explain, but it's true.  For example, on Christmas when I'm sure she was busy celebrating, I felt that she was so far away from me and I seriously struggled to survive that day.  And this last week Sean's grandmother passed away and I really haven't felt that sense of peace that tells me Hailey is around.  I'm assuming she just busy showing her great grandmother all around the joint!  Then there are the times when nothing I know of is going on up there in the heavens, but I still feel like she is no where near me.  It's those times that I've gotten on my knees and prayed for her to be near and that still small voice whispers in my ear, "Mommy, I'm here.  You just need to slow down to feel me and hear me." isn't that a far cry from the girl that she was!  When that child was physically here, she could yell louder than anyone or anything I'd ever heard...and let me tell you, she did it often...very often, like all day often!!!  But now she's a gentle, precious, little angel who can only whisper in my ear when she wants to be heard.  (She must seriously be going crazy!!)

So anyways, all that being said, I've had an epiphany that I need to slow down, be quiet, be still, and just listen and feel.  I miss my little girl.  

1 comment:

  1. When I came to visit Sean, I thought the same thing but was afraid to voice it. Thank goodness for Pat who isn't afraid to speak up and for her wisdom and obvious love and concern for you and your family. Look at it this way, by your own words when you do slow down you feel and "hear" Hailey more. So this will be the next best thing to having her back physically. She will be with you all the time as you open your heart and mind to her. From our family to yours Wen, HUGS!