So I'm debating if it's time for me to seek some grief counseling. I mean, I feel like I'm doing "okay." But, on the other hand, I've never been through this and don't really know what "okay" is. I feel like I hold a lot of my grief in. I rarely cry and when I do, I have to be alone and almost plan it out. I guess that's good in some ways, since I have little children to take care of, but then again sometimes I feel like I'm stuck inside this big bubble that I keep poking but can't seem to pop. It's so frustrating.
It may sound weird, but I just want to be able to cry and scream and sob whenever I feel like it, but my body or mind won't let me. I just shove it down and try to keep busy so I don't have to think about it or deal with it. Every time I think about a memory of Hailey or the events of that horrible day and the funeral, etc., the pain literally makes me nauseous and I end up cutting myself off mid-thought. I try to avoid anything that will freshen the pain. I'm not sure that's really good because I know one day it's all going to pile up so high that I'm going to have to deal with it...and it's probably not going to be pretty!
Part of me wants to explore my feelings and thoughts and memories and grief. I want to just get it out. I want to be sad and sob, angry and scream, thoughtful and ponder, disappointed and ask why, etc. I just literally cannot will my body/mind to do so. I have tried many times. I think that the pain is so great that I'm seriously terrified that if I let it all surface at once I may never recover. It may just completely overwhelm me.
I focus a lot on my religious beliefs and spirituality, which in a lot of ways, I think is good. Maybe I'm afraid that if I really, truly allow myself to grieve I'll get angry or my faith will crumble. However, I also think that the Lord wants us to grieve and get angry and ask why. That's why He's there. I mean, He already knows my every thought (poor guy!), so I guess nothing I say will shock Him. Maybe that would show more faith...allowing myself to just let go and be completely honest with my feelings. I remember in the first few months after Hailey passed away I felt Him so close by me. I literally came to understand what it meant to have Christ as your best friend. But it seems that just as when a little child learns to walk, they no longer allow their parents to carry them...I did the same. As soon as I felt strong enough to walk on my own, I just kind of ran off and no longer allowed Him to carry me. I guess maybe I need to jump back into His arms again and search for His guidance, instead of continually trying to do everything on my own.
I used to always say in church that my goal was to be able to cry in front of people! I always felt that would show how much I loved the Lord and how strong my faith really is. I know that sounds crazy, but some women are so spiritual and cry at the drop of a hat. I don't necessarily want to be like that, but I just want to be able to cry when I feel like I want to cry. Why is that so hard for me to do?
I never thought I'd get so good at controlling my emotions. Actually, as I write this, I just realized I'm not so great at controlling my emotions. My grief comes out as frustration, impatience, and exhaustion, not sadness or tears.
Anyways, I know I'm babbling, but I'm thinking through this as I type and my mind is seriously a jumbled mess...and that part of me I know is totally normal!!!
So I guess I just answered my own question. I probably should see someone just to talk things through and make sure I'm on the right track with this whole grief process and maybe get some ideas on how to allow myself to let go of the control and just grieve.
We'll see. But I'll continue to keep you updated.