This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Friday, February 19, 2010


So I'm debating if it's time for me to seek some grief counseling.  I mean, I feel like I'm doing "okay." But, on the other hand, I've never been through this and don't really know what "okay" is.  I feel like I hold a lot of my grief in.  I rarely cry and when I do, I have to be alone and almost plan it out.  I guess that's good in some ways, since I have little children to take care of, but then again sometimes I feel like I'm stuck inside this big bubble that I keep poking but can't seem to pop.  It's so frustrating.  

It may sound weird, but I just want to be able to cry and scream and sob whenever I feel like it, but my body or mind won't let me.  I just shove it down and try to keep busy so I don't have to think about it or deal with it.  Every time I think about a memory of Hailey or the events of that horrible day and the funeral, etc., the pain literally makes me nauseous and I end up cutting myself off mid-thought.  I try to avoid anything that will freshen the pain.  I'm not sure that's really good because I know one day it's all going to pile up so high that I'm going to have to deal with it...and it's probably not going to be pretty!

Part of me wants to explore my feelings and thoughts and memories and grief.  I want to just get it out.  I want to be sad and sob, angry and scream, thoughtful and ponder, disappointed and ask why, etc.  I just literally cannot will my body/mind to do so.  I have tried many times. I think that the pain is so great that I'm seriously terrified that if I let it all surface at once I may never recover.  It may just completely overwhelm me.

I focus a lot on my religious beliefs and spirituality, which in a lot of ways, I think is good.  Maybe I'm afraid that if I really, truly allow myself to grieve I'll get angry or my faith will crumble.  However, I also think that the Lord wants us to grieve and get angry and ask why.  That's why He's there.  I mean, He already knows my every thought (poor guy!), so I guess nothing I say will shock Him.  Maybe that would show more faith...allowing myself to just let go and be completely honest with my feelings.  I remember in the first few months after Hailey passed away I felt Him so close by me.  I literally came to understand what it meant to have Christ as your best friend.  But it seems that just as when a little child learns to walk, they no longer allow their parents to carry them...I did the same.  As soon as I felt strong enough to walk on my own, I just kind of ran off and no longer allowed Him to carry me.  I guess maybe I need to jump back into His arms again and search for His guidance, instead of continually trying to do everything on my own.

I used to always say in church that my goal was to be able to cry in front of people!  I always felt that would show how much I loved the Lord and how strong my faith really is.  I know that sounds crazy, but some women are so spiritual and cry at the drop of a hat.  I don't necessarily want to be like that, but I just want to be able to cry when I feel like I want to cry.  Why is that so hard for me to do?

I never thought I'd get so good at controlling my emotions.  Actually, as I write this, I just realized I'm not so great at controlling my emotions.  My grief comes out as frustration, impatience, and exhaustion, not sadness or tears.  

Anyways, I know I'm babbling, but I'm thinking through this as I type and my mind is seriously a jumbled mess...and that part of me I know is totally normal!!!  

So I guess I just answered my own question.  I probably should see someone just to talk things through and make sure I'm on the right track with this whole grief process and maybe get some ideas on how to allow myself to let go of the control and just grieve.

We'll see.  But I'll continue to keep you updated.  


  1. Your on the right track with your thought process. There is nothing wrong with seeking counseling which I'm sure will no doubt help you work through these times. And just for the heck of it jump back in the arms of Jesus -I'm sure their aching just like yours are. I love you - MOM

  2. Wendy,

    First of all I just wanted to point out that you have done an excellent job using this blog as an outlet to express your grief... you may not actually be speaking these words... and it does always feel safer sharing things in a non-confrontational format such as this.. but give yourself a little credit for the strides you have taken! On top of the fact that you've utilized access (I'm sure) to the ultimate therapist -and that is our Heavenly Father. :) :) On the other hand though, I do highly recommend therapy. There's always such a stigma with counseling/therapy that there has to be something wrong with you or you're not doing "okay" but that just simply is not true. In my own experiences, in my own life, therapy has been a very important tool for overcoming some difficult and overwhelming emotional situations. I may not be expressing myself as best as I would like but all in all, I just wanted to give you a little pat on the back... a nudge in the right direction... Even if you don't know me, as I've lurked in the shadows of your blog since you started it, I felt compelled to express my support for this decision of yours. As always, I'll continue my prayers for you and your precious family.

  3. Dearest Wendy

    Steph is right. Your growth is stunning. BUT there are tools a therapist can give us that we just can't come up with on our own. We all need help at times in our lives. Learning to "Let go, and Let God" is one of the most important lessons we will ever learn... control on our part just keeps us from experiencing His perfect plan and love.

    I love you.

  4. Wendy,

    You are an amazing women and do have amazing strength. You are trying to deal with something so big. You have shown me how much your faith and Heavenly Father can comfort you and be there for us. Everyone grieves in their own way. I don't think there is a right way or a wrong way. I don't think therapy would be a bad thing, everyone once in awhile needs someone to talk, listen, and help with such great grief. You have given me so much help to keep going when things look hopeless and when I want to give up. You have told me about scriptures to read to help me. So ask heavenly father for help he loves you and wants what is best for you. He is your constant conpanion even when you are not. He loves you let him take some of the burden from you. A Sis. in my ward gave me this scripture to read for strength 1Nephi 7:12. Maybe it will help. I hope you find the answer your looking for. You are amazing.


  5. Dear Wendy,

    I am going to say what the women above have already said, and a bit more. You are doing a wonderful job, and have a huge task ahead of you in raising and being strong for your little ones in their grief. I think your "control" may be to protect them. I know my Mother's Instincts are pretty strong, and it sounds like yours are too. I think you are also on the right track about counseling. You would not believe how liberating it is to sit down and vent in a safe place. I think you'll be surprised how easy it is to cry, scream, and grieve when you are talking to a councilor. :) I think it is all about your inner mom keeping you on hight alert at home. Seeing Mommy break down can be really scary. Good luck with the process! We are praying for you!

    Patty Sampson
    (I am a childhood friend of Sean's. He knows me as Patty Bell.)

  6. Go for it Wendy ... this blog has been a great step in helping you vent and sort out your feelings. Journaling has ALWAYS been my crutch (in addition to my faith of course). But I agree with the others that seeking a counselor will do nothing but good for you (and for your family). It's hard to believe that you've made it this far and stayed so strong without having already gone! I'd be a complete mess. I've sought counseling just over trivial issues I've had with my parents! It definitely helps. There's just something so insightful when you talk to someone who is trained to help you sort through what your feeling and thinking. Sometimes it takes a stranger to make you see it from a different point of view. AND, I'm sure they can give you some techniques to help you when you're at a low point. Keep us posted! I know it will be a great 'next' step in your healing.


  7. Dear Wendy,

    Well, you received some great advice and support from the entries above, but I felt compelled to write as well (hope you don't mind). I think it's a wonderful idea for you to go to a grief counselor. Like many others, I have been following your blog in awe, amazed at your story, deeply touched by the raw emotions of it all. This blog has been your "therapy" from the start of Hailey's tragic passing, and has allowed you to vent your feelings. However, you are now realizing that perhaps you may need something more. I have to say, I sought the guidance of a therapist several years ago during a difficult time in my life, and it was the best thing I could have ever done. It took awhile for me to get to that point, though. I tried to deal with it on my own, and thought I had it under control. I had my thoughts "organized" in my mind, and just couldn't imagine any other way out, so I felt like I had to deal with life the way it was. Then, I finally broke down and sought some professional help. It was amazing, actually. Some days I went in and just cried and cried, and other days I felt strong. I would joke and say, "I know you must think I'm bi-polar!". I say that it was amazing because he would somehow get me to see things in a way that I never imagined I could- I'm not quite sure how to explain it, but you will know what I mean. And I think it's important to find one that you feel comfortable with. I mean, you might be more comfortable with a female counselor, etc. I know that more and more counselors are using dogs for therapy. One of the patients that comes to the office where I work told us that her counselor has a yellow lab, and she loves going to her sessions because she just loves seeing this dog, and it helps calm her down when she's having a tough time. Just something to keep in mind. I think I may have mentioned this to you in a previous "comment" to you, but I actually plan on becoming a bereavement/grief counselor one day. So yes, that is probably why I am such a big advocate for it. I want to see people get help so they can have the tools to move forward in life.

    Wendy, you are an inspiration. I know you also mentioned that you are worried about questioning your faith, or getting angry with God, etc. I can almost guarantee you that when you sit down and talk to your counselor about all of that, they will assure you that it's all normal thinking, especially after all you've been through. Regardless of what you say, think, or feel, just be honest with your counselor, and let it out, even if it takes months to really open up. I look forward to hearing about your progress, if you decide to share. Best wishes. As always, your family is in my thoughts and prayers.


    Angela (Kuhns) Davis

  8. I think you are doing really well so far. There is no text book perfect. Seeing someone and putting aside a little time regularly for you to work through your thoughts is a very healthy thing to do. If there are issues that have not been dealt with properly and they do come out then it will be the right thing to do. If nothing seems to bubble to the surface then you can carry on re-assured that you must be dealing with it sufficiently. Either way you wont know till you try...