Hailey's Memorial Stone

I can't believe it took me this long to finally post a picture of Hailey's stone.  It took us a while to decide exactly what we wanted, but after a lot of "himming" and "hawwing" we figured it out.  We are so proud of how beautiful it turned out and feel that it represents Hailey in a way that will make all those who didn't know her, but pass by her place, feel her happy spirit.  


We had it placed on her one year "Heavenly Birthday" as we now call the day she died.  We felt like it was about time to give her a beautiful memorial representing her beautiful life, instead of the little, generic name plate the cemetery puts down.


I'm not going to lie though, it was hard.  First, officially seeing the physical stone finished and ready to be placed was quite emotional.  Of course, I know she's physically gone and not coming back any time too soon and I've completely accepted that, but seeing a "tombstone" with my baby girl's name on it just wasn't something I was completely prepared for.  Then when the man placed it into the ground even more emotions flooded in.  It is so beautiful, yet so final.  That was tough to bear.  


Since then, I've bought some granite cleaner and I go visit and clean her stone at least 4 to 5 times a week.  It's black and shiny so it gets super dirty, but it gives me something to take care of in Hailey's honor.  I don't get to take care of her anymore, so keeping her place looking clean and 'beau'ful' is my way of continuing to take care of her on a daily basis.  I have come to find joy in cleaning and shining her beautiful picture and memorial. I have come to find joy in bringing fresh flowers, plants, and cute decorations to her place.  I have made it my job to make sure that anyone who walks by her place will see it and hopefully think, "Wow, that's a very loved and missed little girl."  

Here are some pictures and descriptions of Hailey's memorial placement:
(You can click on them for a bigger view.)

Watching the man place her stone.

(We had balloons to celebrate her 1st Heavenly Birthday.)

There it is...super shiny.

Hailey's Place looking beau'ful on her 1st Heavenly Birthday.

A Family Photo

A tender moment between sisters.

The Official Stone

(See below for description)

• Of course her name is arched along the top.
• Below that it says, "Ooge."  That was one of Hailey's nicknames.
• Above that, at the very top are some of her favorite things:  Animals, Swimming Lessons, Eating, Therapy (She went to physical, occupational, and speech therapy 5 hours a week and absolutely LOVED it!), Lay's Potato Chips (Of course!), and Nursery (That is her church nursery...she adored her nursery leader and that's where she said the Sunday before she died, "Teacher, me know Jesus.")
• Of course below all that is her picture, dates of life, and website. (Sean really wanted that so I finally relented and I'm glad I did.  It's something that we are very proud of.)
• On the bottom left is a picture of the Washington D.C. Mormon Temple.  (This is very significant because it's were Sean and I were sealed for eternity together and to our children.)
• On the bottom right is an etching of a painting that Hailey's nursery leader did a couple days after she passed away.  It is Hailey holding Jesus's hand.  The quote underneath was one of her favorite things to say, which we felt was so fitting to go along with the photo.  The day she went to Heaven was a beau'ful day for her.
• In the bottom middle is the original dime I found. They were able to sauder it into the stone!

So, that's the official memorial for our little Hailey Mayz.   It is absolutely perfect.

Hailey Featured on the Lay's Potato Chips Site!!!

I know it's been a while since I've last written, but in most ways that's a good thing.  Life has been busy and moving forward.  I am slowly learning how to navigate my way through life without Hailey, while still keeping her a part of me and our family in everything I do.  

Part of that everything is our exciting news that Lay's Potato Chips has decided to feature Hailey and her foundation on their Facebook page!!!  After Hailey passed away, Sean contacted Lay's and told them all about Hailey and her immense love for their chips.  They have been "amayzingly" gracious towards us.  

Just click on the following link to see firsthand: http://www.facebook.com/lays

As soon as I saw it posted my heart started racing so fast I thought it would break the sound barrier!!!  I couldn't believe it.  What an honor!  I am so grateful and flattered that such an enormous worldwide company would be willing to feature our little Hailey on a page of over a million users.  I don't know how to ever thank them except for promising to buy their chips from now until eternity!!!  And that I can do!  Even though Hailey is no longer physically here, I'm always out buying little "lellow" bags of their chips to leave at her place...sometimes I even spring for the full size bag on special occasions!  (The birds LOVE it!)

Anyways, I watched the video posted of Hailey getting a custom made Lay's shirt on her 3rd birthday from one of her favorite people ever, our neighbor Matt.  I've only seen it once before because of the emotion that it brought out in me.  And I'll admit, nothing's changed.  I cried my eyes out for about 20 minutes after watching that clip.  She was so beautiful and happy that day...as I know she still is in Heaven.   (She was laid to rest in that same shirt, her favorite!)

After watching the video I went back to the Facebook page and started reading people's comments.  Of course, there were definitely some people who had some negative things to say, usually along the lines of questioning why I would feed my child so unhealthily.  The funny thing is, aside from the chips, she ate quite healthy.  Her last meal was quinoa and broccoli...her favorite.  You can't get much healthier than that.  Anyways, my point in this is that at first I was really upset that people would be so judgmental and negative, but after a few minutes of reading on, I came to realize that those were the mere few.  The majority of comments were amazingly positive and supportive.  Gosh, there are so many good people in this world.  

Every single little comment of support lifts me up and makes me smile beyond description.  You are all wonderful and I thank you again for walking beside me along this journey.

These Are The Times...

There are certain times that the loss of Hailey feels a little more intense and realistic than others.  Although I don't often verbally express or physically show the constant feeling of emptiness I have without Hailey, it is ALWAYS there on my mind.  Today, for example, was one of those days.  

I went to a birthday party for one of my good friend's son.  Lexi was at a friend's house and Sean stayed home while Ava napped.  As I walked across the parking lot by myself it struck me that I probably would have taken Hailey with me today.  Where else would she have been while Lexi was gone and Ava was napping?  She would have gone to her little friend's birthday party with me.  As I pictured us walking together, hand in hand, through the parking lot, my stomach did that little flip flop thing and my heart skipped a beat or two.  I sat and wondered to myself where she would have been playing and who she would have been playing with.  Watching the other children hit the pinata stung a little too.  I remembered her two years ago at that same sweet boy's party climbing on the jungle gym, eating "peesh" and cake, hitting the pinata and scrambling for the candy. I really missed her right then.

After the birthday party we went to Sean's company picnic.  There was a bounce house and one of those huge inflatable slides.  Hailey LOVED those slides!  She was seriously fearless.  I remember about a month before she died we were at another birthday party with one of those slides and she insisted on climbing the blown up inflatable stairs, all the way to the top, BY HERSELF.  I couldn't dare touch her.  She was also one of the youngest and smallest children there.  Well sure enough, she did climb that entire thing by herself.  All the while, a huge line of about 10 other kids patiently trailed behind her.  I watched and waited for her to get to the top, look down, and refuse to slide.  I was annoyed because I knew that I would then have to climb that darn thing and slide down with her.  (Wow, what I wouldn't give to do that today.)  Anyways,  I couldn't have been more wrong.  She got to the top, plopped onto her little bum with a bounce and took off down that slide!  The smile on her face as she sailed down was "amayzing"!!!  She loved it.  

Anyways, back to the company picnic.  Towards the end of the day, Lexi really wanted to take Ava down the huge slide.  It's way to high for her to do herself, so I figured I'd pony up and go with them.  I carried Ava to the top, while Sean waited at the bottom with the camera.  Lexi sat down next to me and I had Ava on my lap.  Suddenly, we all took off together.  Lexi and I screamed the whole way down (I think Ava was too in shock to even utter a sound!) and then we all fell in a heap at the bottom laughing.  Sean was there taking pictures and for another moment I felt it.  I felt it so strongly.  Hailey was missing.  (I'm sure she was there in spirit and all, but that's not what I mean.)  Hailey was missing from all those pictures.  I want a picture of me with my THREE girls laying at the bottom of the slide out of breath and laughing hysterically.  I really missed her in that moment too.

Then as I talked to one of Sean's co-workers who has three children almost the same ages as my three, that little yearning feeling crept in yet again.   I watched their three kids together all day - running, jumping, laughing and sitting to eat.   I yearned so badly to have my three girls together like that again.  And yes, once again, I really missed her.

It's horrible because that void will always be there and as painful as it constantly is, I kind of want it there.  I don't ever want anything to take it's place...I just want Hailey back in it.  There will always be a big open spot where she's supposed to be.  Every time we're together as a family we feel her void, especially when we take photos.  I love photography and taking pictures of my girls, but this loss has put a little damper on it because every single time I photograph my girls, apart or together, the physical absence of Hailey slaps me across the face.  That's something I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with.  

These are the times when I struggle with my loss and grief the most.  Those normal,  day to day activities when Hailey should just be bouncing around, carefree, and happy-go-lucky with her sisters (and her mom and dad.).  I know one day I'm going to have to come to terms with the void she has left behind and I think in a lot of ways I have accepted it already, but I'm not sure that I will ever do so completely.

She Heard Me!!!

So apparently Hailey reads my blog because after writing my last post about her not sending me any dimes, what do you think came up today in literally the MOST random place ever?  Of course, a dime!! Seriously, I could not believe it!  I'm thrilled because my faith in "the sign of the dimes," has officially been restored and I know that Hailey is still with me!!!


Today I took the girls out to dinner with a friend and as we were leaving Ava ran off, as usual.  There was a group of bushes off in one of the far corners of the outside of the restaurant.  She ran over toward them trying to escape my soon to be death grip.  As I went to grab her I happened to look down and literally off behind the bushes, against the wall of the restaurant, under a little ledge, half buried in the dirt was a dime, tails up!!  


I honestly could not believe it.  I mean, seriously, how in the world would a lone dime end up on the side of a restaurant behind a group of bushes in the dirt?

The pictures are kind of blurry because I took them with my cell phone while holding on to a squirming Ava...but you'll get the point!

Can you find it?

Start at the cigarette butt :), go straight up to the wall and then look directly to the right.  It's that little tiny circle under the ledge!

A closer look!

It was so ridiculously random and awesome!  I don't care what anyone thinks or says...I am a true believer of signs.  They are absolutely real.

Where, Oh Where, Has My Little Hailey Been?

Gosh, I can't even tell you the last time Hailey has sent me a dime.  I have to admit that I was always a little apprehensive about relying too much on finding them, but I just couldn't help it.  I'll grab onto anything that will make me feel closer to Hailey.


Anyways, I just figured she hasn't sent me any recently because I've been doing pretty good.  It's so weird how in the first few months I found so many dimes in so many "random" places at so many perfect times.  But lately, not a one.  I'll admit, it hurts.  It makes me sad.  It makes me wonder...were those really signs from Hailey or was I just stretching for anything?  I mean some of them were seriously so undeniable and almost miraculous (if you could say that about finding a dime!).  I know they were from her, without a shadow of a doubt, but why none now?


A few days ago my friend and I took our kids on the train to a really cute petting zoo in San Juan Capistrano.  The last time I was there, Hailey was too, and we all had a blast!  I have some adorable pictures (I'll post some at the end!).  Anyways, I talked to her and told her I really wanted to know she was there with us that day and begged her to send me a dime.  So, of course, I thought for sure I'd find that special dime somewhere along the way!  I was actually excited about it!  I couldn't wait to feel close to her again, like she was right there!  But, I looked and looked and begged and begged and found nothing.  I can't really say I was angry, but I was definitely very disappointed.  There were so many opportune places that day to find a lone, special dime, but nope, nothing.  


Then, on Lexi's first day of school I hoped for the same, a little sign that she was there with her sister...but again, nothing.  I mean, am I being ridiculous?  Was I relying on something totally untrue or far fetched?  Has she forgotten about us already?  Or, could there be a recession in Heaven too?


Who knows, but honestly, I am really bummed and kind of feel forgotten about.  I mean, deep down inside I know she'll never forget us and will always be around; I guess I just want it to be on my terms.

I just really miss her.  :(

Zoomar's Petting Zoo

March 5, 2008

Hailey LOVED animals!

(I kind of picture her like this in Heaven, with all the animals around her, maybe even a lion or two thrown into the mix!)

Where there was food to be eaten, it didn't matter who's it was!

Letting her crawl on the ground with the goats just about killed me!

She just loved to take it one step too far and torture me!

She got quite the bath after this event!

Fear

As if the actual grief isn't enough, I also live with complete terror.  Literally every single day...sheer terror that something is going to happen to another one of my children, family members or dear friends.   Every morning I wake up wondering if this will be the day I lose another loved one suddenly and every night I go to bed, grateful that today was uneventful, but wondering if tomorrow will be THE DAY.  It is a horrible way to live...especially when you know that the ultimate control of whether that happens or not is completely out of your hands.  


I thought putting Hailey down for her nap was one of the safest places she could ever be...but when it was her time to go, ultimately there was nothing I could have done about it.  I have a REALLY difficult time letting Lexi or Ava go off with other people, even family on some of my rough days. Every time they are out of my sight I'm worrying that something is going to happen to them.  (Not because I don't trust the people they're with, but just because they're not with me.  Which is so ironic because it's not like being with me would change anything.  Hailey did die when she was with me...ouch.)  But still, every time Lexi leaves with a friend, family member, or even her own father, who absolutely adores her, I am terrified it will be the last time I'll see her smile, hear her laugh, or have her tell me she loves me.  (Hailey had just started saying, "I love you Mommy.")  Whenever Ava is in bed, nap or night, I have a monitor on and am constantly listening for her stirring around.  If it goes too long that I don't hear her, I'm up there in her room making sure she's still breathing.  Even more terrifying for me is when Sean has both the girls in the car somewhere.  All I can think about until they're home safely is that if there were an accident I could lose my entire family in one shot.


This fear isn't just about my kids though, it trickles down to all my loved ones, both family and friends.  Whenever I don't hear Sean snoring away in his sleep (Sorry Babe!) I'm terrified that he's had a random heart attack and died.   Or when he's on a mountain bike ride I wonder if there are any mountain lions in the area that day.  I fear my mother getting into a car accident in her little 2 door mid-life crisis of a car.  (Love you Mom!)  I'm afraid every time my sister travels that she won't return or every time my father goes out for a bike ride he'll get hit by a car (Seriously Dad, wear your helmet.).  


I'm so sorry for the vivid details, especially to those I named, but I'm just trying to be honest about how serious this fear really is...and how complete and detailed my thoughts and fears are.  It is my reality.


I just can't stand the thought of "losing" another person I love so dearly.  I put that in quotations because I know they're not actually lost...but it sure feels that way sometimes.  Anyways, I know I used to always say that if I ever lost a child I wouldn't be able to survive and go on.  Yet, here I am, doing just that!  So that gives me the hope, but then again, two people I love...way too much to bear.  I also know the odds of something else tragic happening are quite slim, but it's definitely not unheard of or impossible.  


Unfortunately for me, I also now know all too well, actually EXACTLY, what death looks like...and feels like, physically and emotionally.  I constantly see Hailey over and over again in my head the way she looked when I walked into her room that horrible day.  Trust me, I don't think about it willingly or dwell on it.  I mean why the heck would I ever want to torture myself like that? But it just pops into my head randomly and often unexpectedly.  Now, every time I see on the the news or hear of a child who has died, I can see what they look like, I can feel how their precious body feels, and I am flooded with pain for their family.  I can't even count how many times I've seen Lexi and Ava like that in my mind.  It's so horrible. 

Now, not to sound conceited or anything, but I also worry a lot about something happening to myself.  Not because I think I'm so great and the world couldn't go on without me.  I mean, maybe that's true, but more realistically, it's because of my children and family.  I can't even stand the thought of what that would do to Lexi.  She is such a Mommy's girl, always has been, and I'm not sure that she would end up okay if I had to leave her.  Thinking that Ava wouldn't even remember me or know who I was is beyond words. Plus, the thought of not being able to physically watch my girls grow up and encourage them and dry their tears and get excited with them and laugh with them, etc., literally makes me nauseous.  Also, as wonderful as my husband is, I'm not sure he could handle my job.  The house would be a disaster!!!

I know sometimes it probably seems I talk a lot more about Lexi than Ava.  Of course, it doesn't mean I love one more than the other, I just relate more to Lexi right now because of her age.  She has also been the most instrumental person in pulling me through everything having to do with Hailey...from her birth and health issues all the way to her death.  She is the reason I've stayed strong and positive and faithful.  Not because of her support, but because of her need.  Sean needs me too, but he's a strong guy and could probably take care of himself if he absolutely HAD to and Ava is so young that I'm not sure she'd notice that much if I was gone!   She is, I guess, just starting to need me more emotionally and become more attached to me, which I love.  But it terrifies me as well.  I have had to make a tremendous effort not to "punish" her for what happened with Hailey.  Not because I blame her in any way, of course, but because I have this enormous wall up around my heart in order to protect it from getting ripped to shreds again.  Getting close to Ava puts me at such a high risk for that.  She is so awesome though and we have so much fun together.  Her personality is hilarious!  I plan on taking some "Mommy and Me" classes with her once Lexi starts school to keep me busy and also give us some much needed quality and bonding time!

Anyways, in closing, as I mentioned before, I am well aware that the control of life and death is essentially out of my hands.  I'm not sure if it's more comforting or terrifying to know that I don't have control over when my loved ones are going to leave this Earth and me for a while.  I know the Lord loves me, and them, and has an individual plan for each of us.  However, I just wish he'd consult me first on all his decisions!  I'm also grateful for the knowledge I have of the after life and the fact that my loved ones who have passed on are still very much alive and I will be with them again one day.


For now, all I can do is keep my family as safe as possible, let them know how much I love them every opportunity I get, and fully enjoy them!!  I hate to waste any precious time we have together worrying or hiding behind a wall around my heart.  So I'm working on it...I'm pretty good at the safety thing and expressing my love, it's the enjoyment part that I struggle with.  Although, this past few months I have really let down my guard and "uptightness" and I have to say, I've had a blast with my girls...and Sean too!!!


Thank you to all of you who took the time to read this.  I know it wasn't one of my most uplifting posts, but it is my reality.  One of the goals of my blog is to openly and honestly share my journey through grief.  Unfortunately, this is one of the realities of that journey.  So I am grateful for your support, during the good times and the bad! 

Just Thinking...

Well it's 3:30 in the morning right now and I'm still awake.  I just can't seem to get Hailey off my mind.  I mean, she's never really "off" my mind, but I do manage to focus on other things once in a while.  For some reason, though, the huge hole in my heart representing her physical absence is opened wide tonight.  


It's so frustrating how random grief is.  I wish it were like a bad day, that once you went to bed and got a good night's sleep, it's over and on to a new fresh start.  But I couldn't be that lucky...one day its excruciating, the next manageable, then heart-wrenching, then a few days of "It's all going to be okay," then even a day of, "I feel good," then BAM...back to excruciating again.  The unpredictability of it all makes it that much more difficult and unfair.  


I haven't allowed myself a pity party for two reasons: 1) because it's not going to do me one bit of good or change anything and 2) because I am well aware that as horrible as my trial is, there are many out there who have much worse.  However, I do have to say that there are times that I dabble in the unfairness of it all.  


Today I took the girls for a walk around a lake by our house.  It was an "amayzingly beau'ful" day!  The weather was absolutely perfect.  As I watched Lexi practicing on her 2-wheeler bike and chased Ava all over the place, I couldn't help but feel cheated out of experiencing Hailey there too.  I longed to see her on her new big girl bike with training wheels that she probably would have gotten for her 4th birthday.  I craved her high pitched voice yelling, "Mommy, look at me!  Look how fast I can go!"  (I'm assuming since she would have been 4, some of her baby talk would have subsided a little!)  It's so not fair.  


School starts for Lexi next Thursday and I'm taking her on a little Mommy/Daughter Date out to lunch and then off to get her hair cut (She wants layers...yes, she's only 7!) and our nails done!  I can't wait.  On the other hand, I can wait.  I can wait to experience the emptiness of not having Hailey there to get her hair cut and her nails done for her first day of Preschool.  Maybe she would have gone with Lexi and I or maybe I would have taken her on our own date, but it doesn't really matter anyways, because I'm not going to get to do either.  It's so not fair.  

That first day of school when Lexi is all dressed up in her new clothes, hairdo, polished nails, backpack, etc. is going to be so bittersweet for me.  This is the first year that I don't want her to go back to school.  I'm going to miss her so much it almost seems unbearable in a way.  I don't want to let her go.  I've had a blast with her this summer.  I guess that's one of the blessings I can focus on...the unbreakable bond that we have formed throughout this last year.  We were already very close, but now it's even more than ever.  I need her.  She doesn't even have a clue how much I desperately need her.  I would never put that burden on her...It so wouldn't be fair.


That first day of school is going to be tough.  Seeing Lexi so excited and grown up and ready for a new year at a new school will be happy and sad at the same time.  (We put her in private school this year.)  But I should also be able to see Hailey excited and "grown up" and ready for a new school year!  Lexi and Hailey would have been at the same school together this year.  Now Lexi won't ever get to be an the same school together with any of her sisters.  It's so not fair.


Gosh, so much for not allowing myself a pity party, huh?  Sorry, but I had to get this off my chest so I can FINALLY get some rest!  Otherwise, tomorrow I'm going to be exhausted and not very fair to my girls!!!  


Anyways, I know life is not fair...probably for anyone.  I tell Lexi that all the time.  It's never fair for our own personal self until we maybe take a moment and step outside our little bubbles and take a look around.  I think we'll quickly realize that life actually is quite fair...it just depends on who we're comparing it with.


My mother-in-law is always telling me that the Lord will compensate in the next life for my losing Hailey in this life.  I finally asked her one day how she could fathom that because I couldn't possibly imagine ANYTHING that could compensate for such pain and heartache.  Spending eternity with her isn't compensation to me because everyone else who got to raise their children to adulthood will still get to spend eternity with them, so how would that compensate for my suffering here?  She gave me a wonderful example! Of course, she made it clear that this is just an example, she's not saying that this is exactly what will happen or trying to speak on the Lord's behalf.  Anyways, she said: (Pat, please forgive me if I don't describe it exactly as you did!)  Imagine in the next life that you and your family are in a huge auditorium with people beyond what your eye can see.  There you are standing in the front with Sean, Lexi, Ava, and most importantly, Hailey!  The Lord speaks up and says, "Would anyone here please stand if Hailey's early departure from her Earthly life has made a positive impact in or changed your life or the life of someone you know for the better."  All of a sudden, one by one, everyone begins to stand up.  There you are standing there looking at all those grateful people who's lives Hailey has touched or you, Sean, Lexi or Ava have touched through Hailey's passing away.


Okay fine...that might be a little compensation.  I had never imagined it that way, but thinking of it literally causes tears to flow down my cheeks.  I guess it wouldn't even have to be people beyond what my eye can see...just a few thousand might suffice!  Seriously, though, what an honor (and responsibility) we have as Hailey's family to honor her precious little life and be able to help others at the same time.  That example made me realize that's where faith comes in.  Trusting in the Lord to make this all better in the end.  He will...I know He will!