Just Thinking...

Well it's 3:30 in the morning right now and I'm still awake.  I just can't seem to get Hailey off my mind.  I mean, she's never really "off" my mind, but I do manage to focus on other things once in a while.  For some reason, though, the huge hole in my heart representing her physical absence is opened wide tonight.  


It's so frustrating how random grief is.  I wish it were like a bad day, that once you went to bed and got a good night's sleep, it's over and on to a new fresh start.  But I couldn't be that lucky...one day its excruciating, the next manageable, then heart-wrenching, then a few days of "It's all going to be okay," then even a day of, "I feel good," then BAM...back to excruciating again.  The unpredictability of it all makes it that much more difficult and unfair.  


I haven't allowed myself a pity party for two reasons: 1) because it's not going to do me one bit of good or change anything and 2) because I am well aware that as horrible as my trial is, there are many out there who have much worse.  However, I do have to say that there are times that I dabble in the unfairness of it all.  


Today I took the girls for a walk around a lake by our house.  It was an "amayzingly beau'ful" day!  The weather was absolutely perfect.  As I watched Lexi practicing on her 2-wheeler bike and chased Ava all over the place, I couldn't help but feel cheated out of experiencing Hailey there too.  I longed to see her on her new big girl bike with training wheels that she probably would have gotten for her 4th birthday.  I craved her high pitched voice yelling, "Mommy, look at me!  Look how fast I can go!"  (I'm assuming since she would have been 4, some of her baby talk would have subsided a little!)  It's so not fair.  


School starts for Lexi next Thursday and I'm taking her on a little Mommy/Daughter Date out to lunch and then off to get her hair cut (She wants layers...yes, she's only 7!) and our nails done!  I can't wait.  On the other hand, I can wait.  I can wait to experience the emptiness of not having Hailey there to get her hair cut and her nails done for her first day of Preschool.  Maybe she would have gone with Lexi and I or maybe I would have taken her on our own date, but it doesn't really matter anyways, because I'm not going to get to do either.  It's so not fair.  

That first day of school when Lexi is all dressed up in her new clothes, hairdo, polished nails, backpack, etc. is going to be so bittersweet for me.  This is the first year that I don't want her to go back to school.  I'm going to miss her so much it almost seems unbearable in a way.  I don't want to let her go.  I've had a blast with her this summer.  I guess that's one of the blessings I can focus on...the unbreakable bond that we have formed throughout this last year.  We were already very close, but now it's even more than ever.  I need her.  She doesn't even have a clue how much I desperately need her.  I would never put that burden on her...It so wouldn't be fair.


That first day of school is going to be tough.  Seeing Lexi so excited and grown up and ready for a new year at a new school will be happy and sad at the same time.  (We put her in private school this year.)  But I should also be able to see Hailey excited and "grown up" and ready for a new school year!  Lexi and Hailey would have been at the same school together this year.  Now Lexi won't ever get to be an the same school together with any of her sisters.  It's so not fair.


Gosh, so much for not allowing myself a pity party, huh?  Sorry, but I had to get this off my chest so I can FINALLY get some rest!  Otherwise, tomorrow I'm going to be exhausted and not very fair to my girls!!!  


Anyways, I know life is not fair...probably for anyone.  I tell Lexi that all the time.  It's never fair for our own personal self until we maybe take a moment and step outside our little bubbles and take a look around.  I think we'll quickly realize that life actually is quite fair...it just depends on who we're comparing it with.


My mother-in-law is always telling me that the Lord will compensate in the next life for my losing Hailey in this life.  I finally asked her one day how she could fathom that because I couldn't possibly imagine ANYTHING that could compensate for such pain and heartache.  Spending eternity with her isn't compensation to me because everyone else who got to raise their children to adulthood will still get to spend eternity with them, so how would that compensate for my suffering here?  She gave me a wonderful example! Of course, she made it clear that this is just an example, she's not saying that this is exactly what will happen or trying to speak on the Lord's behalf.  Anyways, she said: (Pat, please forgive me if I don't describe it exactly as you did!)  Imagine in the next life that you and your family are in a huge auditorium with people beyond what your eye can see.  There you are standing in the front with Sean, Lexi, Ava, and most importantly, Hailey!  The Lord speaks up and says, "Would anyone here please stand if Hailey's early departure from her Earthly life has made a positive impact in or changed your life or the life of someone you know for the better."  All of a sudden, one by one, everyone begins to stand up.  There you are standing there looking at all those grateful people who's lives Hailey has touched or you, Sean, Lexi or Ava have touched through Hailey's passing away.


Okay fine...that might be a little compensation.  I had never imagined it that way, but thinking of it literally causes tears to flow down my cheeks.  I guess it wouldn't even have to be people beyond what my eye can see...just a few thousand might suffice!  Seriously, though, what an honor (and responsibility) we have as Hailey's family to honor her precious little life and be able to help others at the same time.  That example made me realize that's where faith comes in.  Trusting in the Lord to make this all better in the end.  He will...I know He will!