This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

If you'd like to start from the beginning, click on the beautiful, adorable picture of Hailey on the right hand column.

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Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Almost A Year

Wow...I can't believe that this day last year I had no idea it would be the last real day I would ever have with Hailey.  I haven't allowed myself to play the "what-if" game or go back and dwell on what I was doing each day of the year before when she was here, but this past week has been very different.  As soon as the week countdown hit, I've been reliving it over and over and over again.  I know that's not always the best thing to do, but I figure since I haven't really done it all year, I need to allow myself a week of that madness.  It sucks.  It's horrible.  It's excruciating.

I feel like after tomorrow, the one year mark, our "real" life without Hailey officially begins.  What I mean by that is that the first year of such a trauma and loss I think most people just do what they can to survive and get through each day.  I am one of them.  I mean, I definitely have had good days, but mostly I hold my emotions inside.  I try to be strong for everyone else, which in some ways is ridiculous because I shouldn't worry about everyone else, but that's just me and what I do.  Now that the one year mark is here, I feel like I can't think back and say, "Last year at this time, Hailey and I were..."   That's really going to be tough.  I guess in some ways it's good too though, because the anticipation of the first of everything is now gone.  I've done it all now without her and know sort of what to expect.  That takes a little of the anxiety and pressure off.  I feel like each hour, day, week, month, and now year takes the physical Hailey that much farther away from me.  (Although, in some ways I'm that much closer to seeing her again, too!)  

I'm also terrified that people will begin to forget now that the one year mark has hit or the support will slowly taper off.  Deep down inside, I know that's totally not true because so many of you have stayed so close to me this entire year.  I have been so loved and supported and those of you who have shown me that support I know will always be around.  You are a special kind of people.

Anyways, on a more positive note, we finally ordered Hailey's stone.  It took us an entire year, for several reasons.  One, because the thought of seeing my daughter's name officially engraved on a "tombstone" in the ground felt a little too permanent...too much to bear.  And two, because we wanted it to be just perfect.  I actually had it drawn out on a piece of paper a few days after she passed away, but couldn't bring myself to have it set in stone. (No pun intended!)  Well, Sean and I finally agreed on what we like and ordered it.  We have it set up to be placed tomorrow, on her one year Heavenly Birthday.  I thought that would be a neat way to honor her and memorialize the day.  I definitely think it's going to be one of the most bittersweet feelings ever.  One on hand, I'm excited (If I can even be about something like this.) to have a beautiful marker there now to represent our precious girl.  It will be nice for people to see what she's all about when they walk by.  Sean and I felt that what we chose will really give a nice picture of who Hailey was/is and how much she is loved.  However, on the other hand, it's so permanent.  And, that's really the last thing we had to do in this process.  So once that's set in, there are no other big decisions to make.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Anyways, as of today, right this minute, I'm doing okay.  So I'll keep you updated on how my emotions are going.  I'll also post some pictures of Hailey's stone tomorrow for you all to see.

Until then...

P.S. I forgot to add the link to my post on our family blog last year on Hailey's birthday.  If you want to check it out, click on the following link:

1 comment:

  1. Thinking of you all and Hailey on this day and always!

    Much love,
    Laurie Brooks