Well I know it's been a while since I last wrote, but I've been quite busy. Last weekend I went to Florida for the weekend to visit some close family friends. It actually turned out to be a blast! I've noticed that getting away from home is actually very comforting because I can pretend all is the same as it was before. It's an escape from my new reality. I guess that's why vacation is just that, vacation. It's a time to escape from stresses, worries, etc. However, coming home is always tough for me. I missed my girls a ton, so that made it much easier, but walking through the door and not having Hailey there to run and greet me, yelling, "Mommy home," hits like a tons of bricks.
I think in some ways I'm starting to experience some post-traumatic stress syndrome. For one, reality is now officially becoming exactly that...reality. (If that makes any sense.) The world's still turning, the sun's still burning and my heart's still yearning. Hailey is still not here. I find that there are times when reality hits me so hard I literally have trouble breathing. My heart starts racing, my stomach feels sick, and I feel like I can't catch my breath. Several times, I've literally had to kneel by my bedside and pray for the strength just to walk in to Ava's room and check on her while she's sleeping. I'll feel my whole body grow weak as I'm about to turn the doorknob. Every once in a while when I check on her, she'll be laying in a way similar to how I found Hailey and I start to panic and feel like I'm going to hyperventilate. She has been really congested the past few days, so the other day when I went to check on her she was laying with her mouth open so she could breathe. I could hear her breathing so I knew she was okay, but I couldn't even go near her crib. I ran out of the room and begged my sister to go in an move her for me. My heart was racing, my whole body started shaking, and flashbacks came pouring into my head. I really hope and pray that eventually those feelings will lessen. Honestly, I'm also thinking of seeking some counseling just for peace of mind.
Living without Hailey is a struggle for me during every little thing of every day. I am the one who spent my entire days with Hailey, taking care of her, playing with her, laughing at her, watching her grow, and yes, I'll admit it, getting annoyed at her!!! Everything I do used to include her. All these activities happen at least once, if not several times a day. Every single time I get Ava from her crib, I think of getting Hailey. Every time I dress the girls, I see Hailey's clothes hanging in the closet. Every time I feed the girls, Hailey's little table sits there empty. (Lexi won't eat off of it anymore.) Every time I get one of the girls a plate or cup, I go into the little cupboard that Hailey loved. Every time I give Ava a bath, I see all the toys that were Hailey's favorite. Every time I get in the car, I see the seat where Hailey sat. Every time I take Lexi to school and pick her up, I think of Hailey running off laughing and me yelling at her to come back. Every time I drive anywhere, I drive by Hailey's old therapy building and hear her say, "There my thewapy is!!!" Every time I drive by a yellow bus, I hear Hailey say, "Me ride lellow bus to school!" Every time I breathe...
Many people I've talked to who have lost loved ones have told me that usually it's months 4-6 that seem to be the hardest. In some ways, that's good to know so I'm prepared, but in others, it literally terrifies me. Months 4-6 are not only right around the corner, but they are also the holidays. I walked into a store the other day and heard Silent Night playing over the loud speaker. Let me just say, that song has never affected me as it did in that moment. My knees grew weak, my heart started to race, my breathing went shallow, and I started to feel lightheaded. I wasn't prepared. However, the good thing is that I did it. Now, hopefully, the next time won't be as hard.
Although things have been getting a little harder in some ways...the Lord has been so merciful to me (and my family). I literally feel Hailey with me all the time. I know that He allows her to be here with us and send us our little signs and miracles. There is no way anyone will even come close to convincing me that she doesn't visit us on a daily basis. The little signs she sends are NOT a coincidence. It is incredible and mind-blowing to me some of the little things that have happened at just the right moments.
I have to run now, but my next entry will be all about some of those miracles and signs that we've received. Also, please, if you have a dime story or any other Hailey story, please email it to me!!! I'm working on a little idea I have for a children's book called, A Sign of the Dimes...all about Hailey's dimes. So if you've had a dime experience and feel like it's connected to Hailey...email it to me!! I'd love to hear it! It really picks me up and makes me smile. If I ever do decide to share the stories, I won't use anyone's real name, (unless you ask me to!), so all your experiences will remain personal. Thank you again for all your love and support. And thank you even more for loving my little Hailey so much!