Happy "6th" Birthday, My Sweet Angel

Hailey's birthday was last Friday, July 20th.  Although I try to tell myself it's just another day, deep down inside I know it's not.  Hailey would have been 6 years old this year.  As I look back on what the last 6 years have meant and how much they have completely changed my life and who I am as a person, I often find it almost difficult to take in.  


Up until about an hour after Hailey was born, Sean and I had no idea that our little baby girl was about to rock our world.  The fact that she was 8 weeks premature didn't even begin to prepare us for what was about to occur in our lives.


Right before I began to write this post I watched the slideshow of photos I put up on the top of my blog.  Tears came spilling down my cheeks as I watched the pictures of her first few days and months of life and the unbelievably miraculous transformation that took place over those 3 years she lived on this Earth.  


If you watch the slide show, you'll notice that even at her worst times, Hailey ALWAYS had a smile on her face.  That little girl absolutely LOVED life and refused to ever let any of her struggles and trials get her down for even one moment.  She taught me more about life in her 3 short years here than I think I had learned combined before she was born.  And even though she's no longer physically here with me, I continue to learn from her everyday.


I KNOW that our loved ones are just as much alive after they have left this Earthly world as they were when they were physically here.  I once explained it to Lexi by telling her that her family members on the East Coast are just as much alive as she is right now, even though she isn't looking at them or talking to them.  They're just busy living life on the other side of the country.  I truly believe that for Hailey as well.  She's just busy living her life in Heaven right now.   Of course the big difference is that we can call or visit our other family members here when we miss them and hear back from them personally, which unfortunately we can't do with Hailey. If someone could invent telephones or Skype in Heaven that would be very much appreciated!  However, for now I know she visits us, interacts with us, hears us and watches over us, etc.  (Not in a creepy kind of way, but through the little signs she sends...a dime after my blog about missing her, a Lay's potato chip truck or yellow jeep driving by when I'm having a rough day, and so on.)


Let me give you a couple examples from her birthday.  For some weird reason I thought I was going to be totally fine that day.  I guess since this is her third birthday in Heaven, I assumed I was maybe getting used to it.  Of course, I was wrong.  


I anticipated that day all month.  What kind of birthday would she have wanted?  What friends would she have invited?  What kinds of presents would she have asked for?  What would she have looked like?  And then...what was I going to do to celebrate her life?  How was I going to make her birthday a happy day for myself and my children?  How was I going to make sure that everyone else remembered it was her birthday?


The night before I ended up getting a horrible headache, probably close to a migraine.  I went to bed super early because the pain was so intense.  The following morning I woke up and it was still there and I remember wondering how I was going to get through the day.  I'm still not sure if I was wondering that because of my raging headache or because it was Hailey's birthday and I wasn't going to get to celebrate it with her.


I finally got out of bed, but struggled all morning.  I couldn't believe how difficult it was and how emotional I felt.  It definitely caught me off guard.  I just wanted to be alone and think and be sad and cry, but having three other young children at home (who were so excited to celebrate their sister's birthday) made my grief a little more difficult to deal with.  In some ways the kids make it easier because I don't have time to wallow in my misery, but on the same token the kids make it difficult because I don't have time to wallow in my misery.


I have to say I was pretty grumpy and snappy all morning.  We decided to take Hailey some balloons, flowers and a huge bag of Lay's potato chips and have a picnic lunch at her place.  As we were driving there I could feel that pit in my stomach churning with emotion and my eyes welling up with tears as I was feeling so sorry for myself.  I finally started praying that I wouldn't break down in front of the kids because they were so excited.  As I looked up, there on the other side of the road a huge Lay's truck drove right by.  My mouth turned upwards into a huge smile, tears rolled down my cheeks, and I knew right then that Hailey was with us.  She knew of my deep pain and her sisters' innocent excitement and was able to pull me out it for their sake.  I knew that she was aware of me and the last thing I wanted was for her to see her mother sad on what would have been her 6th birthday.  I felt like she was telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself because she never felt sorry for herself even one minute...especially now.  Almost immediately I snapped out of it and the day started looking up.


When we were getting ready to leave her place after lunch I was folding up Joey's stroller and out plopped two dimes right at my feet.  Once again I was smiling.


Later that day, the girls and I made cupcakes and they had a great time decorating them all.  We invited some friends and neighbors that were really close to Hailey to have dinner with us back at her place.  It turned out to be an absolutely "beau'ful day," as Hailey would have said.


On our way home, as I drove by a gas station, right there in the parking lot were two Lay's trucks parked side-by-side.  It was such a wonderful way to end a "beau'ful day," in Hailey's honor!  


So, as I mentioned above, I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that Hailey still lives and is aware of her family and friends.  I know she watches out for those she knows and loves and for those her family knows and loves.  I've heard so many stories from family and friends of times they felt Hailey was there watching over them.  I love her so much and although I can't physically interact with her, I know our spirits interact often.

Some pictures from Hailey's 3rd Birthday 

(The last birthday she celebrated before she passed away.)

Our Family Picture

She LOVED her Lay's!

Some pics from Haileys "6th" Birthday

Our Family Picture

(No, those glasses are not real!)

Missing My Girl...Part 2

I actually wrote this entry back on June 13th and forgot to publish it, so...without further ado:

In continuation of my last entry, after almost three years without physically seeing or touching or hearing my sweet, little Hailey, my pain is still very deep and my longing for her is even more so.  I miss her more and more everyday and often feel that little knot or somersault in my stomach when I think of her.  


It's so hard to put into words how I currently feel or where I am in my grief process, but I'll do my best.  


The first few days, weeks, months, and even year I was in so much shock and pain it was literally unbelievable.  I never knew pain like that could exist and until now I never realized how much I had shut down.  I thought I was doing great because I was getting up in the morning, taking care of my kids, and tending to the household stuff, but in reality I was checked out emotionally and as much mentally as possible.  I only got out of bed and carried on throughout my day because my children needed me, but aside from doing only what I needed to get by in the day I had nothing more to give.



As I look back now I think that in those first couple of years I was like a child in my understanding of grief.  It's weird to say that I liked the attention I received, because I absolutely did not, but I think I more needed it and craved it because that attention gave me the will to go on.  It encompassed the love and support I so desperately needed.  I read and reread every comment on my blog, Facebook, email, etc. over and over and over again...sometimes I still do.   I also don't think I completely comprehended (or allowed myself to comprehend) the true finality of Hailey's death in this lifetime.  I really think that I was expecting it all to pass by after a couple months and once I completed my test of faith and passed with an A+, Hailey would be right back in my arms again.  


Now as time has passed and we are coming up on three years, the reality and finality of it all is starting to really sink in.  I think the Lord (or our bodies, however you want to look at it) has a way of only allowing us to handle and comprehend so much pain and heartache at any given time.  He truly does know what we can handle and won't give us any more than that.  Apparently, now He thinks I can handle more and as time slowly passes I also feel those raw, painful emotions creeping to the surface little by little.  It kind of reminds me of boiling water.  At first all the bubbles are at the bottom, then slowly a couple will rise at a time, until all of a sudden it's bubbling everywhere.  I'm hoping I don't quite make it to boiling because I really don't want all the grief I've suppressed to come bubbling everywhere all at once!


Anyways, I've slowly started revisiting those first few days and weeks after Hailey's death.  I think about her and talk about her ALL the time, but never the events surrounding her death.  It's always been too painful to think about before, and at times it still is.  So I'll let a bubble or two rise and then turn the burner down for a while until I'm ready to explore a few more.  I've just recently started asking people where they were, what I said, how they found out, and how they reacted to the sudden and unexpected news of Hailey's passing.  I literally have no memory of who I talked to that night and/or what was said.  I don't know why, but I want to know now.  (So if you have a story to share with me please email me at the address at the top of my blog.)  


Eventually I'll be ready to watch the video of her funeral, then videos of her alive, and so on.  I'm just taking it one thing at a time.  As for right now, I feel the most stable mentally, physically, and emotionally that I have felt since Hailey's passing.  I'm trying to savor that and allow myself to really start healing in all those ways.  However, as stable as I feel, the pain is still there aching some days and throbbing others. 

 I don't believe that times heals all wounds, however I do believe it makes them less painful.  I'm sure some of you have heard this analogy before but I feel that the wound of grief is similar to that of a severely broken bone.  Although it will eventually look and act as if it's fully healed, there will always be a little scar or weak spot on the area that was broken.  If overworked or pushed too far it can break much easier than before.  I feel that with the wound of my grief.  The raw break is slowly healing, however there is definitely a permanent scar there.  Sometimes I overdo it a little and the pain comes rushing back and then as I rest it the pain subsides.  I'm sure that's how it will be forever in this lifetime.  Strangely enough, I'm slowly becoming accustomed to it and learning how to live with it and manage it so it doesn't rule my life.  But my sweet Hailey will NEVER be far from my thoughts and will ALWAYS be in my heart.

It was then that He carried me...

Even after almost three years,  I still refer to my favorite poem, Footprints In The Sand, and know that there are still many times when there is only one set of footprints in that sand as the Lord carries me through.  

I wanted to share an example of one of these times that just happened to me this week.  In our church we often refer to them as "tender mercies," but you can call them anything you wish.  All I know is that they are the times when two sets of footprints become one as the Lord carries us through a burden we can no longer bear ourselves.

Last Saturday Sean and I took the kids to the pool for a few hours to swim.  Ava loves to play in the "cajuzzi," as she calls it, so I went in with her for a bit.  While there we met a mother and her daughter who was about the same age as Ava.  Of course, we got to chatting and she asked me the very dreaded question, "How many children do you have?"  Without even a hesitation, I responded, "Four."  

I will always respond with the number four because that's how many children I have.  But after saying so, my heart skipped a beat and my stomach turned as I tried to change the subject and prayed that she wouldn't ask anymore about my kids.  


A little while later Sean brought Lexi and Joey in with us.  I could sense the wheels turning in the lady's head as she noticed there were only three children with us and so I continued to pray even harder that she wouldn't ask where the fourth was.  In my mind I was going through every possible answer I could give, "She's at a friend's house." "She's not here today." "She died.  What else do you want to know?"  I couldn't get out of there fast enough and luckily the question never came up.

That night I thanked God about a million times for the fact that I didn't have to make up some excuse or go into details about why Hailey wasn't physically there that day.  

Later, as I was thinking about the pool experience, I also got to thinking about Ava's soccer class that we go to every week.  For the first time last week I told her coach I had four kids.  It was as I was leaving so he didn't have time to question me about it, but I could see the wonder in his face since he'd met Lexi and Joey several times, but never met a fourth.  My stomach dropped as I realized that now with Lexi on summer vacation it was going to be even more evident that someone was missing when we all went to Ava's class.  I knew the question would eventually arise and it made me sick to think of having to tell him about Hailey in front of all the other parents.

I knew I would get the sad looks and the "I'm so sorry's" and all the other stuff that goes along with such a revelation and honestly, I just didn't want to have to deal with it.  So again, I prayed about it and told the Lord that I didn't want to have to go through that right now.  As I got into bed that night, I felt this little whisper that said, "Don't worry.  I'll take care of it."  

So this week it turned out that my mom came down for the day and took Ava to her soccer class while I ran errands.  It also turned out that she was the only one there that day, probably because of summer starting.  When she got home something inside me said to ask her if she told him about Hailey.  I don't know why I had the feeling, aside from God whispering it to me, because we never even talked about her telling him.

Well she told me that he just happened to ask her what the tattoo on her foot was.  (It's a tiny 'h' literally the size of your pinky fingernail, so for him to even see it was totally random.)  She ended up telling him all about Hailey, her foundation, the clinic, etc.  Talk about a relief!  I felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.  I'm usually fine talking about Hailey once her story is out in the open, it's just the initial moment of having to tell someone for the first time that's so hard.

It wasn't until a couple days later that I realized that was one of those 'tender mercies' from the Lord. It was one of those times that there was only one set of footprints in the sand because He knew I couldn't handle having that conversation.  So, as the poem says, "It was then that He carried me."

A Walk for aMAYZing Kids!!!

As most of you know we have opened a non-profit therapy clinic called aMAYZing Kids in Hailey's honor.  We are so excited that its growing significantly and quickly.  The whole intention of the clinic is to help uninsured or underinsured children receive the therapy they need, however we do also accept insured children.  For more information on the actual clinic you can click on the links at the end of this entry.


For now, my whole point of this blog entry is to invite you all to either come walk with me, or if you're unable to attend, sponsor my virtual team, Team Hailey!!!  I would personally love to meet and thank those of you who have been reading and supporting me.


There are two ways you can participate and help:


1.  Attend the walk

• Date: Saturday, June 30th
• Time: 10:00-2:00
• Place: aMAYZing Kids Clinic (20902 Bake Pkwy #100, Lake Forest, CA 92630)
• Price: $25/person, under 3 is free
• Includes: All you can eat BBQ lunch, T-shirt, games & prizes, Penelope the pony, photo ops, and more!!!

Click here to register!!!

Live out of town?  Busy that day?  Too lazy to walk?

No prob!  You can still participate by sponsoring me and my team.

2.  Join my Virtual Team, TEAM HAILEY!

Click here to join TEAM HAILEY!!!

I'm counting on you all to sign up somewhere and support our cause in Hailey's honor!!!  Thank you again for all your continued love and support...It means the world to me.

For More Info On The Clinic

aMAYZing Kids Clinic Website
My First Blog Entry on The aMAYZing Kids Clinic
Blog Entry on our awesome fundraiser for aMAYZing Kids!
Video from the aMAYZing Kids Fundraiser (I spoke on it.)

aMAYZing Kids Grand Opening Blog Entry

Missing My Girl - Update

Apparently Hailey is still around and was reading my blog last night.  This morning I got in my car and accidentally dropped the earpiece to my cell phone down in between my seats.  As I reached across to the passenger side trying to search for it, I looked down and saw what I'd been waiting to see for such a loooong time now!!!!  


Check out the picture:

Two quick things regarding the picture above:

1.  My car is actually quite clean, that's just one random crevice down in between the seats (which I will now be cleaning today!).

2.  I LOVE my angel Hailey!!!!  She's so awesome!

Missing My Girl

Sometimes I'm still shocked at the randomness of grief.  As the 3 year "anniversary" of Hailey's death quickly approaches I feel my emotions becoming more and more raw.  I didn't think it would be possible, but I miss her more now than I did in those first few days, weeks, and months after she passed away.  I'm sure a lot of this has to do with the fact that August 11th of this year will mark the day that Hailey has been gone longer than she was here.  Although deep down inside I know it's just a date and doesn't define my relationship with her, it still terrifies me that once that day passes I'll feel further away from her than ever before and with each passing day after the 11th our bond will become less and less.  

I used to feel her around me all the time.  Although she was gone physically I felt her stronger spiritually than I could have ever imagined. I think I actually felt closer to her and more bonded to her after she passed away than before.  I felt like we became friends and I would talk to her as if she were older and wiser...and I know she is.  I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she was always with me, watching over me, walking beside me, talking to me (or whispering in my ear), and of course, sending me dimes as often as possible.  

But I'm really struggling right now because I haven't felt her around in quite a while now, several months to be exact.  I don't feel her peace and comfort nearby and I honestly cannot remember that last time I've found a dime.  (I looked and prayed and asked and looked some more on Mother's Day, but to my surprise and much disappointment I never found one.)  I guess I came to rely on those little silver circles to keep me feeling connected and loved.  

Of course I know that she hasn't forgotten me.  And the way I believe, religiously, is that she's probably off on some mission teaching others who have died all about Jesus.  I know she's busy and being used to her full potential, but sometimes I get frustrated and think, "What about me?  I still need you too."  Just maybe there's someone else who needs her more than me right now. 


I've prayed about it a lot and feel that the answer I always receive is to be patient and my time will come again.  She's busy, but definitely not gone and if I just remain faithful I'll be rewarded.  So, I'm doing just that and I know that the time will come when I feel Hailey back by my side again.


I know this all may sound very weird to some of you and that's completely okay with me.  However, it is very real to me.  I know that Hailey is just as much alive in spirit now as she was when she was in her body.  I believe she is just in a different place than me.  One example I used to explain it to Lexi is that her relatives on the East Coast are just as much alive as she is even though she can't physically see them right now.  That is what I believe about Hailey.  Unfortunately, no one has invented telephones, or even better, Skype that reaches Heaven yet, but with the way technology advances everyday I'm not giving up hope!!!  


So as of right now, I'm missing her a lot and wondering what the heck she's doing and where she is.  But I'm going to continue being patient and holding out for when the moment arises that I feel her in my presence again.

Mormon Helping Hands = A Success!

Gosh, I really wish I had more time to keep up with my blog.  I have so much to write about and I love hearing all your comments and feedback.  Even after almost three years, I still struggle and look for the support that I received in the first few months.  Which, let me add, is usually there when I need it.  I am in awe with how much compassion people have and how much my little Hailey is still remembered!!!  It's such a "beau'ful" thing, as she would say.

Our Mormon Helping Hands project was a huge success!!!  We had over 250 volunteers show up to help.  What an honor it was for me to have the opportunity to serve at the very place that has taken such great care of my daughter since she was first laid there to rest.  I can't say enough good things about this cemetery (El Toro Memorial Park).  They are so wonderful there.

The staff that directed us in what to do was so grateful for our help and really the only way to put it is to say they were just plain nice!  Hailey's favorite thing to say was, "It's a beau'ful day out," and, that it was!  Gorgeous to be exact.  The weather couldn't have been better.  The people couldn't have been nicer.  The day couldn't have gone more smoothly.

I had many people ask to see Hailey's Place and as weird as it may sound, I was so excited to show them.  Her place is absolutely beautiful.  I really work hard at keeping her stone clean and polished, fresh flowers in the vase, pretty plants in the pots, a cute flag with her picture, and always a couple other knickknacks that represent her.  I figure that since I can no longer physically take care of her here, I'll take care of her place there.  I want people to walk by and think, "Wow that is a special, loved little girl."

Here are some pictures from the project:

The Entrance

One of the wrought iron fences that was painted.

Lexi and one of her best friends cleaning the stones in the children's section.

A friend and I working the table.

Hailey's Place

(This is an old picture taken by Lexi, but for some reason I didn't take a picture that day.)

I attached the links to several articles and a video of our service project.  The articles are all pretty much the same, but I figured I'd include them all just to brag how popular we are!!  :)  Thank you so much to all who were able to physically come support us and also to those who were there in spirit.  You are all important and much appreciated.

The Orange County Register

The Lake Forest Patch

Deseret News

Video