I actually wrote this entry back on June 13th and forgot to publish it, so...without further ado:
In continuation of my last entry, after almost three years without physically seeing or touching or hearing my sweet, little Hailey, my pain is still very deep and my longing for her is even more so. I miss her more and more everyday and often feel that little knot or somersault in my stomach when I think of her.
It's so hard to put into words how I currently feel or where I am in my grief process, but I'll do my best.
The first few days, weeks, months, and even year I was in so much shock and pain it was literally unbelievable. I never knew pain like that could exist and until now I never realized how much I had shut down. I thought I was doing great because I was getting up in the morning, taking care of my kids, and tending to the household stuff, but in reality I was checked out emotionally and as much mentally as possible. I only got out of bed and carried on throughout my day because my children needed me, but aside from doing only what I needed to get by in the day I had nothing more to give.
As I look back now I think that in those first couple of years I was like a child in my understanding of grief. It's weird to say that I liked the attention I received, because I absolutely did not, but I think I more needed it and craved it because that attention gave me the will to go on. It encompassed the love and support I so desperately needed. I read and reread every comment on my blog, Facebook, email, etc. over and over and over again...sometimes I still do. I also don't think I completely comprehended (or allowed myself to comprehend) the true finality of Hailey's death in this lifetime. I really think that I was expecting it all to pass by after a couple months and once I completed my test of faith and passed with an A+, Hailey would be right back in my arms again.
Now as time has passed and we are coming up on three years, the reality and finality of it all is starting to really sink in. I think the Lord (or our bodies, however you want to look at it) has a way of only allowing us to handle and comprehend so much pain and heartache at any given time. He truly does know what we can handle and won't give us any more than that. Apparently, now He thinks I can handle more and as time slowly passes I also feel those raw, painful emotions creeping to the surface little by little. It kind of reminds me of boiling water. At first all the bubbles are at the bottom, then slowly a couple will rise at a time, until all of a sudden it's bubbling everywhere. I'm hoping I don't quite make it to boiling because I really don't want all the grief I've suppressed to come bubbling everywhere all at once!
Anyways, I've slowly started revisiting those first few days and weeks after Hailey's death. I think about her and talk about her ALL the time, but never the events surrounding her death. It's always been too painful to think about before, and at times it still is. So I'll let a bubble or two rise and then turn the burner down for a while until I'm ready to explore a few more. I've just recently started asking people where they were, what I said, how they found out, and how they reacted to the sudden and unexpected news of Hailey's passing. I literally have no memory of who I talked to that night and/or what was said. I don't know why, but I want to know now. (So if you have a story to share with me please email me at the address at the top of my blog.)
Eventually I'll be ready to watch the video of her funeral, then videos of her alive, and so on. I'm just taking it one thing at a time. As for right now, I feel the most stable mentally, physically, and emotionally that I have felt since Hailey's passing. I'm trying to savor that and allow myself to really start healing in all those ways. However, as stable as I feel, the pain is still there aching some days and throbbing others.
I don't believe that times heals all wounds, however I do believe it makes them less painful. I'm sure some of you have heard this analogy before but I feel that the wound of grief is similar to that of a severely broken bone. Although it will eventually look and act as if it's fully healed, there will always be a little scar or weak spot on the area that was broken. If overworked or pushed too far it can break much easier than before. I feel that with the wound of my grief. The raw break is slowly healing, however there is definitely a permanent scar there. Sometimes I overdo it a little and the pain comes rushing back and then as I rest it the pain subsides. I'm sure that's how it will be forever in this lifetime. Strangely enough, I'm slowly becoming accustomed to it and learning how to live with it and manage it so it doesn't rule my life. But my sweet Hailey will NEVER be far from my thoughts and will ALWAYS be in my heart.