A New Day...A New Resolution

Well, today has been much better than yesterday!  I went to bed last night an emotional wreck and woke up feeling uplifted and peaceful.  I realized that those videos I watched of Hailey changed something inside of me.  Seeing her smiling face, hearing her giggles, and watching her dance made me realize how important it is to enjoy life...even in the down times, as Hailey always did.  That little girl never complained about her physical struggles.  She never let them hold her back for one second.  She held herself to the same standard that any other child her age met.  My little Hailey is truly an inspiration.

By nature, I can be a little uptight.  (Don't forget family and friends, I moderate your comments!)  But in all seriousness, I am well aware of this and really do have to remind myself to mellow out at times.   I like things in my life neat and clean, organized, scheduled, non-chaotic, etc.  Basically, I like to feel in control...of my life, not necessarily others.  This need for "control" became much worse after Hailey passed away because losing her made me feel so out of control, even though I knew there was absolutely nothing I could have done differently.  

Anyways, today is Monday and in my need to keep my life under "control" I usually spend my Monday mornings cleaning the house after having everyone home all weekend, but today felt different.  The weather was beautiful.  All I could think about was seeing Hailey on those videos and it made me crave to do something fun with my kids so I could watch them enjoying life as Hailey did.  So I decided to ditch my daily cleaning ritual (And those of you who know me well know that's huge for me!) and take them to Irvine Park.  If you don't live locally, Irvine Park is a beautiful 500 acre park about 20 minutes from my house.  It has a little zoo, train ride, lake, paddle boats, bikes, horse rides, hiking trails, tons of trees and nature, etc.  I remember taking Lexi, Hailey, and Ava there about a month before she passed away.  (See below for pictures)

Ava and Joey were so excited and we seriously had the best time!  All the animals were out and active and for the first time in a long time I was completely relaxed and at peace with my surroundings.  After the zoo we went on the little train ride and then sat outside and ate lunch.  It couldn't have been a better morning.  (Way better than cleaning.)

Later that afternoon I picked Lexi up from school and had a couple of the neighbor girls over to play, another thing that often stresses me out.  (Not the neighbor girls...just extra kids in general!)  But today, surprisingly enough, it didn't at all.  I thoroughly enjoyed hearing Lexi and Ava in their rooms laughing and chatting with their two little friends.  And during that time, I hung out with Joey and we watched funny animal videos on my computer.

When Sean got home I decided I didn't feel like making dinner either.  So we ended up going out to a little Hawaiian restaurant nearby.  The night was gorgeous so we ate outside.  They have those little water spouts all over where the kids can run in and get wet.  Being me, I originally told them not to get all wet because it was getting late and I didn't have any changes of clothes.  But of course, being kids, they were like flies on crap when it came to the water.  Once again, I thought of Hailey and how if I knew this would be one of my other kids last day here what memory would I want to have?  So I took a deep breath and let them go at it.  It may sound lame to some of you laid back relaxed folks, but it was a big step for me!  And not only did the kids get soaked, but they loved every minute of it.  I couldn't help but sit there feeling a heart full of love and gratitude as I listened to them the giggle and squeal.  After dinner I ran home, grabbed towels and pajamas, came back dried them off, dressed them and counted that as their bath.

After the kids were in bed, I came in my room, got down on my knees and thanked God for the wonderful lesson I learned yesterday through watching my little angel, Hailey.  Even though she is no longer physically here, her spirit is ever so strong and continues to teach me all the time.  I feel like I owe it to her to make sure her siblings and her parents live a happy life full of love and gratitude.  

 When my time comes to leave this world I don't want my kids to say that their mom had the cleanest, most organized house and car, and that they always went to bed on time, and things were always under control, etc.  I want them to say they had so much fun with their mom and that they made great memories and stayed up extra late and had friends over to play and got dirty and laughed and danced and so on.  So, as of today, I have made that my rest of the year resolution.

 And please, hold me to it.  Ask me anytime if I'm continuing to do so because I'm sure I'm still going to need some reminding.  ;) 

Some pictures of Hailey at Irvine Park:

Some pictures from today:

 

Ava had to "brush a lot of goats."
 

Playing in the water at dinner

How could I not smile at this!

It's Been A While

Wow!  I think this is the longest I've gone without writing a post.  It's been about 5 months.  Of course this has nothing to do with me forgetting about Hailey or not grieving her loss anymore, as a matter of fact, I've actually been feeling her loss quite a bit more lately.  For some reason I've felt much more vulnerable in the past couple of months.  

I think the main reason I haven't posted in a while is because nothing really "new" has happened.  I've been through all the "firsts," "seconds," and now "thirds," without her.  And honestly, it doesn't really get any better.  Maybe a little more "normal," but still not better.  I guess it will never get better.  

For those of you who are around me often, you know that I still talk about Hailey all the time.  Even after almost 4 years she is still, and always will be, an active part of our family.  I will NEVER stop talking about her or thinking about her.  She is actually on my mind just as often, if not sometimes more so, than my children who are still living here with me.  I think about her day and night...every day and every night.  I think about her every time I'm with my other kids and feel that empty spot where she should be.  I think about her when I'm alone and often talk to her and tell her how much I miss her.  I think about her when I get up in the morning, when I go to bed at night, when I take and pick my kids up from school, when I drive by the entrance to the cemetery and don't have a chance to stop in (although I do still visit her several times a week.).  I basically think of her all the time. 

Right now as I type this I will admit that I have tears streaming down my face because I miss her so much.  Sean updated her website (I'll add the link when it's officially finished!) and I was looking it over for him.  As I came to the section titled, Hailey Mayz Video Library, I clicked on the slide show of her life.  My heart raced and my stomach turned because I knew I was already feeling a little weak, but I watched anyways.  Well, it didn't take long for the tears to start trickling down my cheeks.  As I watched the pictures it eventually came to a bunch of different ones that I took about a month before she passed away.  All I could think of as I looked at her smiling face, and the smiling faces of those in the photos with her, was that in those moments I had no idea I only had a month left with my little girl.  Lesson to be learned: We truly never know when our loved ones may be taken from us.  Please, take it from me, who's been there...tell those you love how much they mean to you and how much you love them.  I am so grateful I have no regrets with Hailey.  That was one of the greatest gifts God gave me throughout this entire trial.

The first song in the video is called, In My Daughter's Eyes, by Martina McBride.  As I listened to the lyrics and watched the pictures I have to say that I haven't found a better song yet to describe what Hailey means to me.  Here are the lyrics if you've never heard it:

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero 
I am strong and wise and I know no fear 
But the truth is plain to see 
She was sent to rescue me 
I see who I wanna be in my daughter's eyes 

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal 
Darkness turns to light and the world is at peace 
It's a miracle God gave to me 
Gives me strength when I am weak 
I find reason to believe in my daughter's eyes 

Chorus:
And when she wraps her hand around my finger 
Oh, it puts a smile in my heart 
Everything becomes a little clearer 
I realize what life is all about 

It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough 
It's giving more when you feel like giving up 
I've seen the light 
It's in my daughter's eyes 

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be 
An' though she'll grow and someday leave, maybe raise a family 
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy she made me 
For I'll be there in my daughter's eyes

I guess the last couple sentences could be changed to "When she's gone I hope you see how happy she made me. For she'll be there in her mother's eyes."

After the slide show, unbeknownst to me, it went right into a bunch of videos of Hailey.  I tried watching one 20 second video about two years ago and broke down horribly as soon as I heard her voice, so I haven't watched another since then.  But this time, as soon as I saw her moving around and heard her little voice I was like a deer in headlights.  I knew it was going to be heart wrenching for me to watch those videos right then, but I was frozen and literally couldn't turn away.  There was one where I was videoing Hailey and Lexi dancing around in front of the Christmas tree and when I was ending the video Hailey said, "Bye Mommy."  At this point I was bawling my eyes out.  I'll be honest and say I haven't cried that hard in a long time.  I wanted so badly to jump into those videos and snatch her up in my arms and NEVER let her go...NEVER let that time slip by again.  

I think deep down inside I've built this huge wall around those emotions because they truly are almost too painful to think about.  I hate them. I hardly ever think about the day she died or even the first year afterwards (which I probably shouldn't do anyways). Instead, I talk about Hailey when she was alive and her funny antics.  I'm always telling my kids stories about her and about how she's still around us now.  In some weird way it makes me feel like she's still physically alive.  Watching those videos kind of reiterated to me that she's not.  I'll admit that I am now very emotional and vulnerable, which I hate, but in some strange way it feels good to let some of that built up pain out.

On a more positive note, I am so grateful to have those videos so I can see her dancing, smiling, and giggling, and I can hear her little voice (which at times didn't seem so little!).  She seriously sounds EXACTLY like Joey!  I'm also grateful that I can one day, when I feel strong enough, show them to Ava so she can see her little sister as she truly was, not only as I remember her to be.  Ava LOVES Hailey and talks about her ALL the time, so I'm really interested to see her reaction to seeing Hailey dancing around and actually hearing her voice.

I've missed blogging, but as I mentioned above, I haven't had a lot of new experiences to really write about, so I've been toying with the idea of writing Hailey's life story...from birth to death and in between.  I've avoided it until now because I've been afraid of what emotions it will bring up, however I guess this is as good a time as any.  Her story is definitely an interesting tale of ups and downs, heartaches and joys, trials and blessings, frustration and laughter, and the list goes on and on.  As I've thought about my blog and what else I have left to write, I realized that those of you who have never actually met Hailey don't really "know" her.  So keep an eye out for when I finally get that started!!

Also, if you have any personal memories of Hailey, PLEASE, email me either at the address above or my personal email, if you have it.  Many of you out there have memories of Hailey and things she did or said that I don't even know about!  I would LOVE to eventually do a blog entry sharing those stories as well.  (If you'd like me to keep your name anonymous, just specify that too and I will!)

For now, thank you all again for your continued love and support, even after almost 4 years.  I couldn't be any more blessed with the amazing people I have in my life...both those I know personally and those I only know through the internet.  You have made my journey that much easier.

Leaving a Legacy

Last week Sean and I went to a memorial service, called the Angel of Hope Ceremony, at the cemetery where Hailey is buried. It is held every December 6th, rain or shine, in honor of those children who have passed away.  Honestly though, I almost didn't go this year because the last couple years I went I cried my eyes out and left feeling very sad...mainly because of the depressing songs and music they play.  But, in the end I decided to go so I could represent Hailey and stand at her place which I decorated so cute for Christmas.

As I stood there next to Sean listening to the speaker tell his story, I couldn't help but think about what I would say if I ever had the chance to speak.  Of course, it's primarily my religious beliefs and faith that has pulled me through this immense trial, but when speaking at a public event such as this it's usually not "politically correct" to discuss religion.  So then, what else would I say?

As I thought about it, I realized that along with my religious beliefs another thing that has so greatly helped me with my grief is focusing on Hailey's life and leaving her a beautiful legacy.  So, off I went with that thought.  

I decided that if I ever got to speak I would tell the families who have lost a child, especially one so young as to have not had the time to create their own legacy, that they should focus on a memory or memento that they could bring to the world in their loved one's honor.  

It is so important to grieve, but even more important not to get lost in that grief and allow it to consume our lives.  Our children did not die in order to "ruin" our lives, instead they lived in order to enhance and better our lives.  They would be devastated if they saw us and knew that it was because of their death that our lives have also essentially ended.  

Therefore, I feel it's so important to use our grief in a positive way...honoring our child(ren).  The legacy you create for your child does not have to be a huge thing, such as a foundation, clinic, monument, etc.  It can be as simple as a dime.  Almost everyone I know, or who knows of Hailey, will always think of her and smile whenever they see a dime.  That was my first sign after Hailey passed away and has been an integral part of my life ever since.  I have shared that sign with the world and now I often get emails, texts, notes, calls, etc. from people saying they saw a dime that day and thought of Hailey!  I LOVE that!!  I LOVE that something so incredibly simple as a dime can remind people of something so deeply profound as my daughter and the "beau'ful," "amayzing," life she lived!!! 

So please, if you read my blog and have lost a child (or any loved one) I encourage you to find that sign or legacy, whether big or small, and create it into something that represents the beautiful life that your loved one lived.  Then tell everyone!  Make their life matter!  Spread the news everywhere, so that they will be remembered daily.

I hope and pray that the families who lost children (and adults) in the tragedy in Connecticut last week will also do the same.  I hope and pray that they will not take one moment away from the memories of their beautiful children and give it to that evil man.  Every moment wasted in anger, rage, or fear is one taken away from their precious child's legacy.  

I will acknowledge that I know it's probably a lot easier for me to say that since my daughter died peacefully in her sleep and not at the hands of such violence, but I will also say that I know what grief is.  I know how it can either make us BITTER or BETTER.  For our loved ones who are no longer here to speak for themselves, please, in their honor, allow their precious lives to make you BETTER...they would want nothing more.

If you click on the links below you'll be able to read a couple of my original blog entries about how dimes came about in Hailey's memory.  (You may need to click on the pictures to see them bigger!)  I also have many other stories about Hailey's dimes (and Lay's trucks - our other sign!) that you can find throughout my blog.

Our First Dime! 

Another Dime Story!

Ava and Hailey

Hailey died when Ava was only 9 months old, so Ava was left with no tangible memories of her big sister.  We have, however, kept Hailey very alive in our family.  We talk about her all the time.  We visit “Hailey’s Place” (the cemetery) several times a week, often decorating her stone and having picnics there.  We have photos of her all over our house.  But even with all these things I’ve always feared that since Ava was so young when Hailey passed away she would never really “know” or “care” about her big sister.

Well, I couldn’t have been more wrong.  One day, about a year ago, Ava was sick so I was lying on the couch with her.  It was quiet and out of the blue she said, “Me see Hailey.”  I assumed she was talking about the huge picture we had of her at the top of our first set of stairs so I casually responded, “I know, I see her beautiful picture too.”  Ava then said, “No, not her picture.  Her, Hailey.”  At this point my heart started racing as I began scanning the room for some ghostlike figure of Hailey standing in the corner.  (As much as I would LOVE to see her again, I will admit that would totally freak me out!)  Anyways, I asked her where she sees Hailey and she said, “At nigh-night time.  She comes and reads me books.”  My heart racing suddenly came to a complete halt and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  Ava wasn’t even three yet, so I knew she wouldn’t really be able to make something like that up, but on the other hand, I felt a little skeptical and didn’t want to get too excited.  She then told me that Hailey reads her Brown Bear, Brown Bear which was one of Hailey’s favorite books…something I had never told Ava.  I wanted to ask her so many questions, but also didn’t want to feed her information.  I wanted to keep what she was telling me as pure as possible to really try to determine if this was truly happening.  After that small conversation we didn’t speak of it again for quite some time.

I truly believe 100% that Ava sees Hailey at times.  I remember once about 3 months after Hailey had died we went to visit the cemetery and I opened Ava's car door to see her intently staring up at the sky.  There was literally nothing there...not a cloud, plane, bird, nothing.  She would not break her stare even after I said Ava several times and waved my hand in front of her face.  All of sudden she started crying and waved, saying, "Bye Bye."  I got the chills and knew exactly what she was seeing.  There have even been a couple times where Ava has come to me very upset because Hailey hadn't "visited" her in a while.  So, I do know, without a shadow of a doubt, that Hailey is around us and getting to know her little sister even though she isn't physically here.

Now fast-forward many months from that first conversation and there’s Ava talking to me again about how Hailey comes and reads with her at night.  She also told me that Hailey is very happy and lives with Jesus.  Hailey has since become a very important and integral part of Ava’s life.  She talks about her ALL the time.  She points out every Lay’s Potato Chip truck yelling, “Those are Hailey’s chips!”  She knows when we pass by the street the cemetery is on and makes sure to tell me, “That’s Hailey’s Place over there.”  She knows where the clinic is and LOVES to visit there.   She loves to pick out little bags of Lay's potato chips to drop off for Hailey when we go visit her.   And she is constantly asking me if Hailey is going to be there whenever we do things as a family.  She always says, “And Hailey can come too!”  And when I bought two little fish for Joey, Ava insisted on naming the first one Mayz (Hailey's middle name) and the second one, Hailey. 

A couple weeks before Halloween we had a party at our church where people decorate the trunks of their cars and the kids walk around trick-or-treating.  Ava must have asked me 10 times if Hailey was going to be there.  (What does a mother say to that?)  It breaks my heart every time she asked with much excitement, “Is Hailey going come?”  And I had to reply with, “No, probably not this time,” or, “She might, but you probably won’t be able to see her because she’ll be a ghost.” :)  Ava ended up having a blast at the church Halloween party and even yelled, “This is AMAZING,” as she saw all the candy.  Yet, still at the end when I asked her if she had fun she said, “Yes, but I’m kinda sad.”  I said, “Why would you feel sad?”  And then I felt my stomach turn as she whined, “Cause I wish Hailey was here with me.”  I do too Ava.  I wish Hailey was here with me too.

As Ava’s 4^th birthday approaches I’ve started planning her birthday party.  She’s so excited about it and after telling her we were going to do a My Little Pony theme, her favorite, I said, “And guess who’s going to be there!”  (I was planning on listing her friends.)  Her face lit up like a lightbulb, she took a big gasp, and yelled, “HAILEY!”  There really are no words to explain how that made me feel.  I honestly don’t even remember how I responded because it caught me by such surprise, but what I do remember is walking into the bathroom a couple seconds later to dab my tear filled eyes.

On one hand, I am so happy that Ava is so interested in her sister and seems to feel such a connection to her.  But on the other, it seriously hurts so much to constantly see the sadness or disappointment in her eyes when her sister isn’t going to be with us.  That being said, I do feel like I’ve done a good job of keeping Hailey alive in our family and making sure that her sister (and soon her brother as he gets older) will always know they have two big sisters who love them very much.  I want them to “know” Hailey and who she was and what she stood for and the aMAYZing legacy she has left for them.  To that, I’d have to give myself a humble pat on the back and say, “Good job, Mommy.”

Some pics of Hailey & Ava:

(Hailey absolutely LOVED Ava!  There was not one second of jealously from Hailey when Ava was born.  She wanted to help with everything and took such good care of Ava.  Ava's first giggle happened when Hailey was playing with her.  They had such a bond that I know still continues beyond this Earth.)

This was Hailey's first time seeing Ava.

(She was so proud and excited!)

I would often find Hailey checking up on Ava.

I also have a picture of Ava reaching out and touching Hailey's head at the viewing on the day of her funeral.  It is so touching, but also something I wasn't sure I could share on my blog as it does show Hailey lying in her casket and may be difficult for some to see.  (Although, she looked absolutely beautiful.)

 

Happy Birthday To Me!

I've only had two dreams about Hailey since she passed away three years ago, that is, until the night before my birthday!  I have prayed and prayed that she would come to me some night in a dream and we could talk and I could ask her three specific questions I've been wanting to know.  (I'll share those another time.)  Anyways, I always get this answer of, "In due time."  I'm not quite sure exactly what that means, but I kind of feel as if the Lord is telling me it's just not the right time yet.  

I have often wondered how I would feel after such a life-like dream and if "talking" to Hailey would cause me to spiral backwards in my grief process.  I still can't watch videos of her, even after all this time.  I've tried a couple times, but as soon as I see her little body alive and moving and hear her voice my heart breaks all over again and the tears start to flow.  It still really hurts.  Maybe I'm just not ready yet for such a dream.  Having to say "goodbye" to her all over again might be too much to bear right now.  I know when the time is right it will happen, so I'll just keep waiting.

On that note, I did get an awesome birthday gift in the form of a dream similar to what I've been praying for.  It went a little like this:  Hailey was in the hospital for some unknown reason and I had been unable to see her for an entire month.  (As most of you know, dreams are often hard to relate in words, so I'll do my best.)  Anyways, I was on my way to finally see her, but felt terrified that she had forgotten me since it had been so long.  Again, I don't know why I was unable to see her for that long, but I remember in my dream it was for some uncontrollable reason.  As I was getting ready to walk in the room I started crying because I thought for sure she was either not going to know who I was or she was going to be angry with me.  However, quite the opposite happened.  When I walked in she was sitting on a man's lap (not quite sure who) and she turned her little head and looked at me and the hugest smile ever, a bigger that real life smile, spread across her face.  She immediately jumped off the man's lap and bolted towards me grabbing me around the waist and hugging me as tightly as she possibly could.  I remember I could barely breathe, but I hugged her back just as hard and worried that I was going to break her.  I also remember feeling like I NEVER, EVER wanted to let her go.  Then suddenly I startled awake and my heart was racing a million miles a minute.  

I immediately wanted to go back to sleep so I could hug her again, but ended up laying awake for a while going over every detail.  Although she never actually spoke any words, I knew deep down inside that she was so happy and hadn't forgotten me for a single moment.  After a few minutes of laying there I felt completely at peace and even happy that I got to "see" her.  I remember feeling excited to know that one day I would get to hug her like that and NEVER have to let her go again!  I seriously live for that day.

I still don't know if it was actually her (spiritually) visiting me or just one of my wishful dreams, but honestly it doesn't really matter to me.  All that matters is that I got a birthday hug from my little angel, she was happy as could be, and so was I!  What better gift could I ask for?

A Miracle In My Eyes

I have a bin I keep for each one of my children.  I don't like clutter or piles of "stuff" that I don't need and I feel that if I save everything they do then none of it will seem special.  These bins are my way of holding on to a select few things that I feel represent them and their different stages of life.

Hailey's bin consists of a wide variety of things from her life: her very first outfit, a tiny diaper that actually fit her when she was only 4lbs, some of her old medical supplies, little crafts she made, etc.  It sits in my closet and I look through it often.  I love touching the stuff that I know she touched and remembering moments surrounding some of her things.  Amongst these reminders, both happy and painful, is a DVD that I had intentionally pushed all the way to the bottom.

The night before what I now call her Heavenly Birthday (which is the day she died), I pulled that hidden DVD out from the bottom of the bin and held my breath as I pushed it into the side of my computer and watched the screen.  I was nauseous and shaking as the video came up on the screen and as soon as I heard a voice the tears started rolling.  That voice, however, wasn't Hailey's.  It wasn't even the voice of someone in my family.  I honestly don't even know who's voice it was, all I know is that it was a voice!!!!

So what does this voice have to do with a miracle?  Well, that DVD contains the video of Hailey's funeral.  I didn't know if I would actually ever watch it, but I wanted to have it anyways.   It turned out that about a year after she died I was home alone and for some crazy reason I decided to watch it but discovered there was no volume.  Nothing.  I tried for about a half hour to get it to work on my computer, the TV, anywhere I could play a DVD, but I am absolutely certain there was no volume.  Sean, who is very electronically savvy, couldn't get it work either.  He came to the conclusion that the person videoing forgot to turn the microphone on.  I cried my eyes out because it was all I had left of that day. Although I was physically there, mentally and emotionally I was checked out and therefore have almost no memory of anything.  I was hoping to one day  go back and listen to the talks and songs honoring my little girl's life.   In the end I put it back in the bottom of the bin and tried not to think about it.

I don't know what it was about the three year mark of Hailey's death, but I decided a couple months beforehand that I really wanted to watch her funeral on that day.  However, every time I thought about it I would get upset all over again that there was no volume.  So I decided to go to the only person I knew of who could fix it without any problems...my Heavenly Father.  Yes, that's right, I decided to pray about it. At first I felt a little weird praying about a DVD, but I knew I had nothing to lose. I told Him how important it was to me that I have this documentation, but I also understood if He knew better than I did and knew I might not be able to handle watching it.  I told Him I would be okay with any answer I was given, but I had 100% faith that if it was the right thing He could make it work.  I prayed and prayed and prayed for several weeks about it.

The Sunday before Hailey's Heavenly Birthday I was at church and one of my good friends told a story about how she was driving her daughter up to college and they had packed all her stuff in cardboard boxes on the roof of the car.  While driving they hit a horrible storm and everything was soaked.  Her daughter realized she had put all her journals, which she started when she was a very young child, in one of those boxes.  She was devastated that they could all be ruined and decided to pray about it. After hours of praying silently to herself she arrived at her apartment and checked the box to find that all her journals were spared!  My friend also talked about how if something is that important to us then it's also that important to our Heavenly Father.  I remember at that moment saying, "Okay Lord, you know how important this is to me. I've been praying for weeks and I KNOW that you can fix my video just as you protected those journals."

So...back to the night before Hailey's Heavenly Birthday and the voice I heard from that DVD.  I couldn't believe it!  It truly was a miracle!!!  I had tears pouring down my face at the knowledge that our Heavenly Father does love us so much and listens to and answers our prayers.  That was one of the most tangible miracles I had ever experienced.  I KNOW that DVD did not work before my prayers and now it's perfect.

As for watching it...well, I didn't get very far.  The second I saw Hailey's casket being pushed in and Sean and I walking behind it as everyone stood up, I started to sob and couldn't go any further.  I didn't realize how much pain I was in until I saw my face on that video.  I know I was physically there that day, but emotionally and mentally I was completely gone somewhere else.  I'm sure the day will come when I'll have the strength to sit down and watch it all the way through, but for now, I'm just happy knowing that my prayers were answered and a miracle took place.

A Bereaved Parent's Wish List

A friend of mine just lost her only child, a beautiful son, to cancer a few weeks ago.  As I was thinking of ways to help her through her grief, I remembered something that I had found right after Hailey passed away.  It stated so perfectly how I felt that I had it put on the back of her funeral program.  


As I reread it before forwarding it on to my friend it surprised me how spot on every single statement still is for me, even after almost 3 years, so I thought I'd share with you all as a reminder of what the loss of a child does to the parents left behind:

A Bereaved Parent’s Wish List

1.  I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I had them back.

2.  I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that they were important to you also.

3.  If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

5. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me.  I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

6. I know that you think of me and pray for me often. I also know that my child’s death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

7. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. These first few months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

8. I am working very hard on my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that she is dead.

9. I wish you wouldn’t expect me to “not think about it” or to “be happy.” Neither will happen for a long time, so don’t frustrate yourself.

10. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be patient with me as I am with you.

11. When I say, “I’m doing okay,” I wish you could understand that I don’t “feel” okay and that I struggle daily.

12. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So, please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable or cranky.

13. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with them. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I will never be that person again.

14 . I wish very much that you could understand …understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But, I pray daily that you will never understand.

Anonymous