This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Friday, October 19, 2012

Happy Birthday To Me!

I've only had two dreams about Hailey since she passed away three years ago, that is, until the night before my birthday!  I have prayed and prayed that she would come to me some night in a dream and we could talk and I could ask her three specific questions I've been wanting to know.  (I'll share those another time.)  Anyways, I always get this answer of, "In due time."  I'm not quite sure exactly what that means, but I kind of feel as if the Lord is telling me it's just not the right time yet.  

I have often wondered how I would feel after such a life-like dream and if "talking" to Hailey would cause me to spiral backwards in my grief process.  I still can't watch videos of her, even after all this time.  I've tried a couple times, but as soon as I see her little body alive and moving and hear her voice my heart breaks all over again and the tears start to flow.  It still really hurts.  Maybe I'm just not ready yet for such a dream.  Having to say "goodbye" to her all over again might be too much to bear right now.  I know when the time is right it will happen, so I'll just keep waiting.

On that note, I did get an awesome birthday gift in the form of a dream similar to what I've been praying for.  It went a little like this:  Hailey was in the hospital for some unknown reason and I had been unable to see her for an entire month.  (As most of you know, dreams are often hard to relate in words, so I'll do my best.)  Anyways, I was on my way to finally see her, but felt terrified that she had forgotten me since it had been so long.  Again, I don't know why I was unable to see her for that long, but I remember in my dream it was for some uncontrollable reason.  As I was getting ready to walk in the room I started crying because I thought for sure she was either not going to know who I was or she was going to be angry with me.  However, quite the opposite happened.  When I walked in she was sitting on a man's lap (not quite sure who) and she turned her little head and looked at me and the hugest smile ever, a bigger that real life smile, spread across her face.  She immediately jumped off the man's lap and bolted towards me grabbing me around the waist and hugging me as tightly as she possibly could.  I remember I could barely breathe, but I hugged her back just as hard and worried that I was going to break her.  I also remember feeling like I NEVER, EVER wanted to let her go.  Then suddenly I startled awake and my heart was racing a million miles a minute.  

I immediately wanted to go back to sleep so I could hug her again, but ended up laying awake for a while going over every detail.  Although she never actually spoke any words, I knew deep down inside that she was so happy and hadn't forgotten me for a single moment.  After a few minutes of laying there I felt completely at peace and even happy that I got to "see" her.  I remember feeling excited to know that one day I would get to hug her like that and NEVER have to let her go again!  I seriously live for that day.

I still don't know if it was actually her (spiritually) visiting me or just one of my wishful dreams, but honestly it doesn't really matter to me.  All that matters is that I got a birthday hug from my little angel, she was happy as could be, and so was I!  What better gift could I ask for?


  1. oh wow! What a wonderful birthday present! Happy birthday!

  2. I know how hard it is for you to think of watching her on your DVD's. I hope someday you will be able to do the mean time, I'm so glad you have all her precious pictures on your blog. I love seeing her beautiful face. She truly was the brightest ray of sunshine! Thank you my friend for sharing your feelings with us! You know I love you!