This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

If you'd like to start from the beginning, click on the beautiful, adorable picture of Hailey on the right hand column.

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Monday, May 20, 2013

A New Day...A New Resolution

Well, today has been much better than yesterday!  I went to bed last night an emotional wreck and woke up feeling uplifted and peaceful.  I realized that those videos I watched of Hailey changed something inside of me.  Seeing her smiling face, hearing her giggles, and watching her dance made me realize how important it is to enjoy life...even in the down times, as Hailey always did.  That little girl never complained about her physical struggles.  She never let them hold her back for one second.  She held herself to the same standard that any other child her age met.  My little Hailey is truly an inspiration.

By nature, I can be a little uptight.  (Don't forget family and friends, I moderate your comments!)  But in all seriousness, I am well aware of this and really do have to remind myself to mellow out at times.   I like things in my life neat and clean, organized, scheduled, non-chaotic, etc.  Basically, I like to feel in control...of my life, not necessarily others.  This need for "control" became much worse after Hailey passed away because losing her made me feel so out of control, even though I knew there was absolutely nothing I could have done differently.  

Anyways, today is Monday and in my need to keep my life under "control" I usually spend my Monday mornings cleaning the house after having everyone home all weekend, but today felt different.  The weather was beautiful.  All I could think about was seeing Hailey on those videos and it made me crave to do something fun with my kids so I could watch them enjoying life as Hailey did.  So I decided to ditch my daily cleaning ritual (And those of you who know me well know that's huge for me!) and take them to Irvine Park.  If you don't live locally, Irvine Park is a beautiful 500 acre park about 20 minutes from my house.  It has a little zoo, train ride, lake, paddle boats, bikes, horse rides, hiking trails, tons of trees and nature, etc.  I remember taking Lexi, Hailey, and Ava there about a month before she passed away.  (See below for pictures)

Ava and Joey were so excited and we seriously had the best time!  All the animals were out and active and for the first time in a long time I was completely relaxed and at peace with my surroundings.  After the zoo we went on the little train ride and then sat outside and ate lunch.  It couldn't have been a better morning.  (Way better than cleaning.)

Later that afternoon I picked Lexi up from school and had a couple of the neighbor girls over to play, another thing that often stresses me out.  (Not the neighbor girls...just extra kids in general!)  But today, surprisingly enough, it didn't at all.  I thoroughly enjoyed hearing Lexi and Ava in their rooms laughing and chatting with their two little friends.  And during that time, I hung out with Joey and we watched funny animal videos on my computer.

When Sean got home I decided I didn't feel like making dinner either.  So we ended up going out to a little Hawaiian restaurant nearby.  The night was gorgeous so we ate outside.  They have those little water spouts all over where the kids can run in and get wet.  Being me, I originally told them not to get all wet because it was getting late and I didn't have any changes of clothes.  But of course, being kids, they were like flies on crap when it came to the water.  Once again, I thought of Hailey and how if I knew this would be one of my other kids last day here what memory would I want to have?  So I took a deep breath and let them go at it.  It may sound lame to some of you laid back relaxed folks, but it was a big step for meAnd not only did the kids get soaked, but they loved every minute of it.  I couldn't help but sit there feeling a heart full of love and gratitude as I listened to them the giggle and squeal.  After dinner I ran home, grabbed towels and pajamas, came back dried them off, dressed them and counted that as their bath.

After the kids were in bed, I came in my room, got down on my knees and thanked God for the wonderful lesson I learned yesterday through watching my little angel, HaileyEven though she is no longer physically here, her spirit is ever so strong and continues to teach me all the time.  I feel like I owe it to her to make sure her siblings and her parents live a happy life full of love and gratitude.  

 When my time comes to leave this world I don't want my kids to say that their mom had the cleanest, most organized house and car, and that they always went to bed on time, and things were always under control, etc.  I want them to say they had so much fun with their mom and that they made great memories and stayed up extra late and had friends over to play and got dirty and laughed and danced and so on.  So, as of today, I have made that my rest of the year resolution.

 And please, hold me to it.  Ask me anytime if I'm continuing to do so because I'm sure I'm still going to need some reminding.  ;) 

Some pictures of Hailey at Irvine Park:

Some pictures from today:


Ava had to "brush a lot of goats."

Playing in the water at dinner

How could I not smile at this!

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