This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Monday, May 3, 2010

Rough Week

I know it's been a while since I last wrote, so I really hope you all haven't given up on me.  This week has been very difficult.  Lexi is really struggling now with her grief, which in turn literally causes me to die inside.  We've come to figure out that one of her major issues is separation anxiety.  She's always been a "Mommy's Girl," but lately it has taken on a whole new meaning.  She doesn't even want to go to school anymore.  She begs me everyday to homeschool her.  Apparently, she finally admitted to my sister that she wants me to homeschool her because that way she would never have to leave my side and could be with me every second of the day.  

I can definitely see the issue because of how Hailey passed away.  Lexi went to spend the night at a friend's house and came back the next day to her sister being gone.  I think that traumatized her a LOT more than we were aware of.  On Friday, she freaked out when I dropped her off at school and started crying and begging me to take her home.  It literally just about broke me in two.  I was so torn.  Do I give in and bring her home or do I make her go to school?  Well, I ended up bringing her home because I couldn't stand the thought of pulling her off my leg and dragging her into her classroom crying her eyes out.  I didn't want to put that burden on her teacher or distract the entire class and most importantly, I definitely didn't want to humiliate Lexi.  

She's also been a lot more emotional and ready to break down at the drop of a hat.  Anyways, I talked to her a lot on Friday and didn't let her do anything fun.  She basically had to play by herself or read the whole day since she didn't go to school.  

Last night I was so sick to my stomach thinking about this morning and how I was going to handle her if she melted down again.  I mean, I was seriously sick...nauseated, burning stomach, heart racing, etc.  I know she has to go to school, there are only 6 weeks left and I'm not going to pull her out this close to the end.  I feel that she needs to learn that even when times are tough, she needs to finish what she started and do the right thing...which in this case is going to school.  Plus, I don't think homeschooling is going to help her at all with her separation issues.  (I'm definitely not a therapist, so I'll be sure to run this Lexi's next time I take her, but I do feel good about my decision.)

Feeling as sick as I did, I also couldn't sleep.  So I got down on my knees and prayed.  I told my Heavenly Father how sick I was and worried I was about Lexi.  How much I adore her and want to do what's best for matter what it is.  I just need to know!  She is His daughter too and He knows her way better than I do, so I begged Him to help me to know what to do, especially if she melted down today at school.  Well, that's when the idea of having lunch with her came to my mind!  Her biggest problem, she says, is being away from me for so long everyday.  So this morning I asked her if it would help if I came and had lunch with her one day a week.  She was very happy with that!  She has early day every Thursday, so I decided to make Tuesday our lunch day.  That way she still has three full days of school, away from me, but also has a break every other day.  Thank you Lord for answering my prayers!

We'll see how it goes tomorrow.  I told her that if she melts down when it's time for me to leave then I can't come eat with her again, to which she agreed.  So I'm reeeeeeeally hoping that all will go well and she'll remember that promise.

Sean and I also have a few other ideas in the mix on how to help her, but I'm going to wait to write about them until we've made some official decisions.  

For those of you who pray or believe in prayer, I'm just asking that if you remember please, please pray for my little Lexi.  Her pain is crushing me.  Seeing her sad is so very painful for me that at times I feel like I almost can't go on anymore.  Carrying my grief and pain is almost too much to begin with, so when you add hers on top of it, the weight on my shoulders is ridiculous. It's more than I've ever experienced before in my lifetime.


  1. Your girls are so lucky to have such thoughtful parents! I admire your ability to step back and really think of what is best for your family when most of us would just "react." Lots of loves and prayers!

  2. We will pray for Lexi, and for you and Sean. This has to be the hardest thing anyone ever goes through. And I know Heaven is with you. I am so glad your prayers are being answered. You are an amazing Mom.

  3. Wendy, you are a great mom and source of strength, you are in my daily thoughts and prayers!!!!!!

  4. I am praying for you! What an awesome parent you are!

  5. Wendy= My heart was breaking for you as I read your entry. I praise GOD for the strength HE gives us through difficult times and i pray GOD will continue to give you the strength to heal one day at a time. I pray for Lexi also to heal her heart. With love and concern. Ninfa Bergen