This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Mother's Day

I have to say that this Mother's Day wasn't as difficult as I had originally anticipated.  Lexi's Mother's Day program at school was adorable and she was so proud!  Of course, I was too!  However, I couldn't help but wonder what Hailey's would have been like this year in preschool.  What little thing would she have made for me?  I pictured her sparkling eyes as she showed me around her classroom and her teacher telling me what a delight she is to have in class! :)  

I try my best not to make up experiences that would have or could have been, because even if Hailey were still here, there's no guarantee that that's how it would have been anyways.  But, even though I'm fully aware of that, it's hard not to sit and imagine who she would have been and what she would have done.  And, of course, when you go that route, you always imagine the absolute best for your child!  I mean, I KNOW if she were still here she would have been the first female to walk on the moon and become president of the United States!

Anyways, back to my Mother's Day.  Even though I sat and imagined what it would be like with Hailey here, I'll never forget or take for granted the fact that I still have my wonderful Lexi who made me a rockin' pop up card, beautiful pin, and sang her heart out for me!  And Ava, who never ceases to make me smile and laugh!  I am still a very proud mommy! 

On Sunday, I went to church to watch Lexi sing with all the primary children.  That was tough because Hailey would have been up there this year too.  The entire time Lexi was singing I had tears streaming down my face, which is very rare for me in public.  I could just see my little Hailey standing right next to her, singing to me with this huge smile of pride on her precious, beaming face. (There I go making up experiences again! Truth be told, she probably would have been out in the foyer having a tantrum about something and missed the entire production!)  Anyways, then I realized that even though I couldn't physically see her, I was certain she really was there!  

After church I went to Hailey's Place and visited her for about 2 hours.  I sat and cried my eyes out and talked to her and felt her presence.  At one moment I sat back in my chair and closed my eyes.  All of a sudden it was as if a movie of Hailey and me together was rewinding backwards in my head, but I could see the pictures and hear the sound.  (Does that make any sense?)  I re-lived all my favorite memories with her as if we were right there at that moment.  It was the weirdest thing I've experienced in a long time, kind of surreal.  Gosh, I miss her so much.

Even though Hailey isn't physically here, I know that I am still and always will be her mother for eternity.  According to my religious beliefs, when Christ comes again, I will have the chance to raise her here during the Millennium.  (The Millennium is a 1,000 year period, before the final judgement, where Christ will reign on the Earth and Satan will be bound.  The good and righteous will be resurrected to live here during that time and teach those who never learned about Christ. Afterwards, we will return to Heaven again to live as an eternal family.)  I know this may sound totally crazy to some of you, which I completely understand, but it actually gives me a lot of peace and comfort, and honestly, something to look forward to.  I know that I won't be "jipped" of the chance to raise my little girl just because God needed her right now!  

Anyways, back to reality!  I had to remember too though, that I am still the mother of two beautiful girls who are physically here with me and need me.  So, Lexi and I ended up going in the jacuzzi and then she suckered me into swimming with her.  It was freezing out, but the pool was like bath water.  For the first time, in a very long time, I was able to just relax and enjoy her.  We had a blast together!  

I would say, all in all, this Mother's Day wasn't nearly as bad as I had thought it would be.  It definitely wasn't the best I've ever had, but it was survivable.  It's amazing how the Lord will carry us when we need it.  Sometimes I really don't know where I get the strength to survive this, however it's always there when I need it!  That's what faith is all about.

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