This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Thursday, May 6, 2010

Emotional Breakdown

Well I debated whether to put this on my blog or not, and then decided that I've been very honest and candid since I started writing, so I might as well continue.  I am officially in the process of an emotional breakdown. 

I've finally hit my breaking point.  I am so emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted I almost cannot function.  I really haven't take the time I should to grieve my immense loss, and it's now taking a serious toll on me.  

Trying to help Lexi with all her emotional issues and deal with mine and keep up with family and friends and facebook and house work and church and Lexi's school and the list literally goes on and on and something I just cannot handle right now.  

All of you who are reading this who either know me personally, are family, or my friends, please, please don't take any of this personally.  I promise it has nothing to do with anyone else but myself.  I have just over exerted myself to a point that I can no longer function.
This morning I honestly thought there was a chance I might end up in the hospital.  I'm unable to sleep at night, have raging headaches, a sore throat, burning stomach, body aches and shakes, racing heart, etc.  I can no longer think straight or focus on anything.  My memory is horrible.  Every little thing overwhelms and angers me...from my phone ringing to seeing a spot of dirt on the counter.  Every call I don't answer, message I don't respond too, etc. overwhelms me beyond explanation.

Sean came home early today and took tomorrow off so I could get away to my parents' house for the weekend.  As difficult as it is for me to just shut down and tune the world out, I'm forcing myself to do it.  I've decided that for the next two weeks I will not answer my phone, messages, emails, facebook, etc.  I am shutting down all contact to pretty much everyone, unless it's absolutely necessary. 

I'm hoping this will help me to decompress and clear my mind and just calm down.  I knew this was coming one of these days.  Everyone has warned me to slow down and allow myself to grieve or it's going to catch up with me, but anyone who knows me knows that I don't listen!!  Well, now I have no choice.  

I'm begging all of my family and friends to please not be offended or feel hurt.  I promise it has nothing to do with any individual person or group of people...It's all me.  I just need to finally tell myself, "NO!"  

I will keep updating my blog and fill you in on my first Mother's Day without Hailey.  This is something I'm really struggling with because all the primary children at church will be singing to the mothers and Hailey should have been up there with Lexi.  I'm not so sure how I'm going to deal with that, I'm just hoping that since I'm at church the Lord will give me an extra boost of strength and comfort.

Thank you all again for your continued compassion and support and also for being so non-judgmental of me.  You are my saving grace.

P.S. I'm also going to call that grief counselor first thing tomorrow.


  1. This is the best thing you could ever do, Wendy. No one is judging you at all. This is reality!! You need time to get one-on-one counseling and the quiet to focus on YOU. You can't be a pillar of strength to Lexi or anyone else until you have healed. Please know we are praying for you ALL the time. Stay strong. Get that help. God will lead you through this. Here's a BIG HUG!!!

  2. Good for you. I'm positive you are going to be surrounded by angels with all the prayers that are going out for you. Hailey will be singing on Sunday too, you know it.

  3. Hi Wendy,
    I'm Alex's mom. We used to talk at PPT (therapy). I have to be honest that I'm crying as I read your blog. Of all the things that everyone tells you, I hope you know deep down in your heart that Hailey wants you to be well and happy. I know that you will pass this phase...

  4. Wendy, there is no "right" way to grieve for a the loss of a child. You have done what you have felt was best to date, and now it is right to take a break and regroup. You take care of yourself and do what you need to do, and the rest will follow. We are here for you and your family, whatever you need. Sending warm thoughts and big hugs.

  5. Love you Wendy! I'll keep you and Lexi and the whole family in my prayers.

    xo Laurie

  6. when i went through my depression I didn't want anyone to call or email or knock on the door for anything because i just needed to shut down, but at the same time it tore me apart because i thought i was letting people down when they did try to contact me and i ignored them, which made me feel even worse.

    The very best thing for me at that time was when people just left a note or a treat on my doorstep, not even ringing the doorbell or knocking on the door. that way i knew people were thinking of me but i didn't feel the pressure to answer the phone or door or email and i could have my privacy to mourn.

  7. Wendy, You have been so strong but there is a time for everything, even weakness. Have your quiet time and try to keep your energy for you and your family. We will all be praying for you as you take this time away from technology and will be hear to listen when and if you find you are ready....