This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

If you'd like to start from the beginning, click on the beautiful, adorable picture of Hailey on the right hand column.

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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

My Journal

Well now that I have basically told the whole story of Hailey's passing and my beliefs about it, I feel it's time to start sharing what I've written in my daily journal. Again, as I have said before, I am a very open and honest person, living my life like an open book. However, there are definitely some things regarding the experience of my daughter's passing that are even too personal or sacred for me to share. So I will share as much as I feel comfortable and appropriate from my journal. Please keep in mind that as I wrote these journal entries I hadn't thought of starting a blog yet, so they may be a little choppy to read, but that's what was coming out of my mind at that particular moment. I hope this will give you a glimpse into my soul and help you understand where I am in this journey and why I feel and/or believe the way I do.

So here goes:

My first journal entry: August 22, 2009

I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing here in a journal because I don't write in journals like this, but for some reason I had the impression that I need to write my feelings and experiences down to possibly pass on to someone else one day.

Right now I'm sitting here at the cemetery, which we now call, "Hailey's Place," and I am at complete peace. It's absolutely gorgeous here. Hailey is resting on a small hill, under a beautiful tree, among all the other small children who have been called home so early in their lives. The sun is out. There's a gentle breeze. The birds are chirping (and cawing). Pinwheels are twirling rainbow colors. Wind chimes are jingling soft melodies. As Hailey would say, "It's a beau-ful day!"

The experience of losing a child is one that I think every parent fears more than anything else in life, yet way deep down inside also believes that it will never happen to them. I also think that every parent has said, at one time or another, that if anything ever happened to one of their children they would never be able to go on living. I was both of those parents and I was wrong on both accounts.
Here I sit at my baby girl's resting place and think, "Oh my gosh, it happened to me." Here I also sit still living, breathing, functioning, and even laughing at times. I'm surviving. There have been so many miraculous experiences that have come out of Hailey's passing and as we've been promised in several blessings, there are many more to come!

Hailey has touched so many lives already that it's unbelievable! There were over 800 people at her service and we've raised over $10,000 (now up to $16,000 since I originally wrote this!) already for the Hailey Mayz Foundation! I cannot wait to start helping people with all that money. It's going to be awesome!!!

I now know, without a shadow of a doubt, that Hailey chose to leave and go to Heaven. When we told Lexi about Hailey's passing, I was unsure of what to say. Sean and I knelt down and prayed that Heavenly Father would guide us as to how to explain to a 6 year old little girl that her sister had died. When I started to tell her, it was as if I wasn't even the one speaking. I told her that while Hailey was sleeping Jesus came to her and asked her if she'd be willing to go and help Him up in Heaven with all the little kids. Of course, Hailey said yes because she knew that we all had each other here and would be okay. After our talk, I felt very comfortable with what I had said and was quite proud of myself for the way that I had explained it. This is not one of those talks, like the birds and the bees, that you play out in your mind over and over again.

Anyways, a few nights later when I was talking to my mother-in-law, I'll never forget an experience I had. Trying to explain it is like trying to explain exactly how child birth feels to a man...pretty much impossible, so please bear with me and try to imagine what I'm describing. I was standing in my kitchen at about 2:00 in the morning after talking with my mother-in-law for several hours...she's very uplifting. The spirit was very strong there and all of a sudden I heard in my own head Hailey say to me, "Mommy, it's okay. What you told Lexi was correct. I did have the opportunity to stay here on the earth if I wanted to. I was given the choice to cough up that food and survive, but I, myself, chose to leave. I wanted to go and I knew that I could make a much bigger difference there than I could here on Earth." This was an experience that I have NEVER had before in my entire lifetime. It really stunned me. The impression was amazing and gave me such comfort. (That was after I went upstairs and processed it a little...or maybe a lot!) It was TRUE, 100% TRUE...she had made that choice. That makes sense now because she had coughed up food countless times and knew exactly how to do it. Now I can't say that I wouldn't kick her dimply little butt for making that choice if I could, but my foot would just go right through it anyways, because I miss her like crazy, however I can say that I am so proud of her. I know that she made the right choice...not for me personally, but for her. I don't think I could have done that.
Hailey's dimply butt!
I don't believe that everyone is given the choice to stay here or go on when that moment arises, however I do believe and know that Hailey was given that choice and I love her even more for being wiling to make that sacrifice (Although, I'm sure for her it wasn't much of a sacrifice at all.) to change so many lives.

I love her sooooooo much.

1 comment:

  1. I came across your blog today and I felt I should say hello and not just be a silent lurker.

    You have obviously been through a huge amount over the last few weeks and I think you are amazingly brave to be able to write so eloquently about it. I am sure that you will be a source of strength to anyone going through a similar situation.

    I cannot even pretend to know what you are going through. I have never lost a grown child but I did loose a baby early in pregnancy a few years ago and it was one of the hardest crosses I have ever had to bear. Life has moved on for us and we now have three great kids and are happy living a new life since we emigrated to Australia.

    I would love to come back to your blog and read about how you and your family are coping. I send to you a big hug and a prayer that the future will bring happy days.