It was then that He carried me...

Even after almost three years,  I still refer to my favorite poem, Footprints In The Sand, and know that there are still many times when there is only one set of footprints in that sand as the Lord carries me through.  

I wanted to share an example of one of these times that just happened to me this week.  In our church we often refer to them as "tender mercies," but you can call them anything you wish.  All I know is that they are the times when two sets of footprints become one as the Lord carries us through a burden we can no longer bear ourselves.

Last Saturday Sean and I took the kids to the pool for a few hours to swim.  Ava loves to play in the "cajuzzi," as she calls it, so I went in with her for a bit.  While there we met a mother and her daughter who was about the same age as Ava.  Of course, we got to chatting and she asked me the very dreaded question, "How many children do you have?"  Without even a hesitation, I responded, "Four."  

I will always respond with the number four because that's how many children I have.  But after saying so, my heart skipped a beat and my stomach turned as I tried to change the subject and prayed that she wouldn't ask anymore about my kids.  


A little while later Sean brought Lexi and Joey in with us.  I could sense the wheels turning in the lady's head as she noticed there were only three children with us and so I continued to pray even harder that she wouldn't ask where the fourth was.  In my mind I was going through every possible answer I could give, "She's at a friend's house." "She's not here today." "She died.  What else do you want to know?"  I couldn't get out of there fast enough and luckily the question never came up.

That night I thanked God about a million times for the fact that I didn't have to make up some excuse or go into details about why Hailey wasn't physically there that day.  

Later, as I was thinking about the pool experience, I also got to thinking about Ava's soccer class that we go to every week.  For the first time last week I told her coach I had four kids.  It was as I was leaving so he didn't have time to question me about it, but I could see the wonder in his face since he'd met Lexi and Joey several times, but never met a fourth.  My stomach dropped as I realized that now with Lexi on summer vacation it was going to be even more evident that someone was missing when we all went to Ava's class.  I knew the question would eventually arise and it made me sick to think of having to tell him about Hailey in front of all the other parents.

I knew I would get the sad looks and the "I'm so sorry's" and all the other stuff that goes along with such a revelation and honestly, I just didn't want to have to deal with it.  So again, I prayed about it and told the Lord that I didn't want to have to go through that right now.  As I got into bed that night, I felt this little whisper that said, "Don't worry.  I'll take care of it."  

So this week it turned out that my mom came down for the day and took Ava to her soccer class while I ran errands.  It also turned out that she was the only one there that day, probably because of summer starting.  When she got home something inside me said to ask her if she told him about Hailey.  I don't know why I had the feeling, aside from God whispering it to me, because we never even talked about her telling him.

Well she told me that he just happened to ask her what the tattoo on her foot was.  (It's a tiny 'h' literally the size of your pinky fingernail, so for him to even see it was totally random.)  She ended up telling him all about Hailey, her foundation, the clinic, etc.  Talk about a relief!  I felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.  I'm usually fine talking about Hailey once her story is out in the open, it's just the initial moment of having to tell someone for the first time that's so hard.

It wasn't until a couple days later that I realized that was one of those 'tender mercies' from the Lord. It was one of those times that there was only one set of footprints in the sand because He knew I couldn't handle having that conversation.  So, as the poem says, "It was then that He carried me."

A Walk for aMAYZing Kids!!!

As most of you know we have opened a non-profit therapy clinic called aMAYZing Kids in Hailey's honor.  We are so excited that its growing significantly and quickly.  The whole intention of the clinic is to help uninsured or underinsured children receive the therapy they need, however we do also accept insured children.  For more information on the actual clinic you can click on the links at the end of this entry.


For now, my whole point of this blog entry is to invite you all to either come walk with me, or if you're unable to attend, sponsor my virtual team, Team Hailey!!!  I would personally love to meet and thank those of you who have been reading and supporting me.


There are two ways you can participate and help:


1.  Attend the walk

• Date: Saturday, June 30th
• Time: 10:00-2:00
• Place: aMAYZing Kids Clinic (20902 Bake Pkwy #100, Lake Forest, CA 92630)
• Price: $25/person, under 3 is free
• Includes: All you can eat BBQ lunch, T-shirt, games & prizes, Penelope the pony, photo ops, and more!!!

Click here to register!!!

Live out of town?  Busy that day?  Too lazy to walk?

No prob!  You can still participate by sponsoring me and my team.

2.  Join my Virtual Team, TEAM HAILEY!

Click here to join TEAM HAILEY!!!

I'm counting on you all to sign up somewhere and support our cause in Hailey's honor!!!  Thank you again for all your continued love and support...It means the world to me.

For More Info On The Clinic

aMAYZing Kids Clinic Website
My First Blog Entry on The aMAYZing Kids Clinic
Blog Entry on our awesome fundraiser for aMAYZing Kids!
Video from the aMAYZing Kids Fundraiser (I spoke on it.)

aMAYZing Kids Grand Opening Blog Entry

Missing My Girl - Update

Apparently Hailey is still around and was reading my blog last night.  This morning I got in my car and accidentally dropped the earpiece to my cell phone down in between my seats.  As I reached across to the passenger side trying to search for it, I looked down and saw what I'd been waiting to see for such a loooong time now!!!!  


Check out the picture:

Two quick things regarding the picture above:

1.  My car is actually quite clean, that's just one random crevice down in between the seats (which I will now be cleaning today!).

2.  I LOVE my angel Hailey!!!!  She's so awesome!

Missing My Girl

Sometimes I'm still shocked at the randomness of grief.  As the 3 year "anniversary" of Hailey's death quickly approaches I feel my emotions becoming more and more raw.  I didn't think it would be possible, but I miss her more now than I did in those first few days, weeks, and months after she passed away.  I'm sure a lot of this has to do with the fact that August 11th of this year will mark the day that Hailey has been gone longer than she was here.  Although deep down inside I know it's just a date and doesn't define my relationship with her, it still terrifies me that once that day passes I'll feel further away from her than ever before and with each passing day after the 11th our bond will become less and less.  

I used to feel her around me all the time.  Although she was gone physically I felt her stronger spiritually than I could have ever imagined. I think I actually felt closer to her and more bonded to her after she passed away than before.  I felt like we became friends and I would talk to her as if she were older and wiser...and I know she is.  I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she was always with me, watching over me, walking beside me, talking to me (or whispering in my ear), and of course, sending me dimes as often as possible.  

But I'm really struggling right now because I haven't felt her around in quite a while now, several months to be exact.  I don't feel her peace and comfort nearby and I honestly cannot remember that last time I've found a dime.  (I looked and prayed and asked and looked some more on Mother's Day, but to my surprise and much disappointment I never found one.)  I guess I came to rely on those little silver circles to keep me feeling connected and loved.  

Of course I know that she hasn't forgotten me.  And the way I believe, religiously, is that she's probably off on some mission teaching others who have died all about Jesus.  I know she's busy and being used to her full potential, but sometimes I get frustrated and think, "What about me?  I still need you too."  Just maybe there's someone else who needs her more than me right now. 


I've prayed about it a lot and feel that the answer I always receive is to be patient and my time will come again.  She's busy, but definitely not gone and if I just remain faithful I'll be rewarded.  So, I'm doing just that and I know that the time will come when I feel Hailey back by my side again.


I know this all may sound very weird to some of you and that's completely okay with me.  However, it is very real to me.  I know that Hailey is just as much alive in spirit now as she was when she was in her body.  I believe she is just in a different place than me.  One example I used to explain it to Lexi is that her relatives on the East Coast are just as much alive as she is even though she can't physically see them right now.  That is what I believe about Hailey.  Unfortunately, no one has invented telephones, or even better, Skype that reaches Heaven yet, but with the way technology advances everyday I'm not giving up hope!!!  


So as of right now, I'm missing her a lot and wondering what the heck she's doing and where she is.  But I'm going to continue being patient and holding out for when the moment arises that I feel her in my presence again.

Mormon Helping Hands = A Success!

Gosh, I really wish I had more time to keep up with my blog.  I have so much to write about and I love hearing all your comments and feedback.  Even after almost three years, I still struggle and look for the support that I received in the first few months.  Which, let me add, is usually there when I need it.  I am in awe with how much compassion people have and how much my little Hailey is still remembered!!!  It's such a "beau'ful" thing, as she would say.

Our Mormon Helping Hands project was a huge success!!!  We had over 250 volunteers show up to help.  What an honor it was for me to have the opportunity to serve at the very place that has taken such great care of my daughter since she was first laid there to rest.  I can't say enough good things about this cemetery (El Toro Memorial Park).  They are so wonderful there.

The staff that directed us in what to do was so grateful for our help and really the only way to put it is to say they were just plain nice!  Hailey's favorite thing to say was, "It's a beau'ful day out," and, that it was!  Gorgeous to be exact.  The weather couldn't have been better.  The people couldn't have been nicer.  The day couldn't have gone more smoothly.

I had many people ask to see Hailey's Place and as weird as it may sound, I was so excited to show them.  Her place is absolutely beautiful.  I really work hard at keeping her stone clean and polished, fresh flowers in the vase, pretty plants in the pots, a cute flag with her picture, and always a couple other knickknacks that represent her.  I figure that since I can no longer physically take care of her here, I'll take care of her place there.  I want people to walk by and think, "Wow that is a special, loved little girl."

Here are some pictures from the project:

The Entrance

One of the wrought iron fences that was painted.

Lexi and one of her best friends cleaning the stones in the children's section.

A friend and I working the table.

Hailey's Place

(This is an old picture taken by Lexi, but for some reason I didn't take a picture that day.)

I attached the links to several articles and a video of our service project.  The articles are all pretty much the same, but I figured I'd include them all just to brag how popular we are!!  :)  Thank you so much to all who were able to physically come support us and also to those who were there in spirit.  You are all important and much appreciated.

The Orange County Register

The Lake Forest Patch

Deseret News

Video

Mormon Helping Hands

As most of you already know, I am LDS (or Mormon).  In our church everyone has a "calling," which is basically an unpaid, volunteer assignment carried out for a period of time ranging from a couple months to several years.  Callings can be anything from the Bishop, to a Sunday School teacher, Youth Leader, Librarian, Greeter, etc.  I have had many different callings in the fifteen years I've been a member of the church: Relief Society (Women's Organization) Secretary, Sunbeam (3 yr olds) Teacher, Sunday School Teacher to 13 and 14 year olds, Young Women's Leader, Primary Teacher (8 yr olds), and many more. 

So why am I sharing this with you?  Well, my current calling is our Ward Public Affairs Rep, meaning that I handle all the things our ward (which is similar to a parish or branch of a church) does within the public realm.  One of these events is called Mormon Helping Hands.  This actually is a yearly event, scheduled this year to take place throughout California and Hawaii on this Saturday, April 28th.  

A quick fact about Mormon Helping Hands: The worldwide Mormon Helping Hands program was officially established in 1998 and since then hundreds of thousands of volunteers have donated millions of hours of service to their communities throughout the world.  

Since my calling has to do with all the public stuff within the church, my "job" was to plan this event.  As I sat in a meeting brainstorming with some representatives from other wards about where to do our volunteer project, I kept hearing this little voice saying, "Hailey's Place, Hailey's Place."  Everyone there knows about Hailey, so I was actually a little scared to suggest it out of concern that either they wouldn't like the idea or they would feel obligated to accept it so my feelings wouldn't be hurt.  But after about 10 minutes of throwing ideas out there and nothing really being agreed upon, I spoke up.  My heart was racing with vulnerability because Hailey's Place is a very special and tender place in my heart.  I was so nervous about how I would feel if it wasn't accepted among everyone.  

As soon as I mentioned El Toro Memorial Park (aka: Hailey's Place), several of the faces in the room lit up.  One of the men stated that they have never volunteered there before and his grandfather is buried there.  (I thought it would be a good place for that very reason.  Many people in our area also have family or friends buried there, which would mean it was probably a special place to them as well.)

Well, I guess my little Hailey was pulling for it too because the idea got a unanimous yes and I was put in charge of planning the event!!!  There will be between 150-200 volunteers there as well as The Orange County Register.  They'll be posting an article about it in the weekend paper!!!

 So, for those of you who would like to come join us and help out (You do not have to be LDS.) it will be this Saturday, April 28th, from 8-12 at El Toro Memorial Park in Lake Forest. Below is a list of the things we will be doing.  If you can make it, I would LOVE to see you, so please find me and say hi! 

I'm so excited for this project!  I've never planned something of such a magnitude, especially at a place so special to me.  I want people to come see Hailey's Place and how beautiful it is there.  Cemeteries are often considered "creepy," but not this one!  El Toro Memorial Park is so peaceful and beautiful.  I hope that the volunteers who come to help out will see that and feel the sacredness of those who are resting there.

For those of you who can't make it, I'll be sure to write an update about how it went and attach the article from the paper!

The Projects

1.  Repainting the wrought iron fences that are peeling or rusting.

2.  Landscape clean-up.

3.  Cleaning off markers and benches.   (This is a great one for children to help out with.)

 

Too Much Compassion?

Sometimes I wonder if there's such a thing as too much compassion.  Ever since Hailey passed away my compassion for others who are grieving has increased about a million fold.  For a while I thought maybe I was obsessed with other's grief, but now I tell myself that its just a new found compassion from one griever to another.  


Prior to Hailey dying I always felt a certain level of compassion and empathy for those who lost loved ones, however after a couple days it would slowly fade away from memory as my life continued on.  Now its a whole different story.  Those emotions never seem to fade away even when my life does continue on.  I literally have a data bank in my brain of all the tragic deaths that have occurred since Hailey passed away, most of them people I have never even met.  Not only are they filed away there, I refer back to them often.  For example, I remember a couple years ago seeing a story on the news of a high speed chase where the man ran a red light and killed a husband and wife who were driving home from dinner.  The newscaster was interviewing their children, who were in their 30's, and I remember my stomach just turning for them and their great loss. I still think of them often, two years later, after only seeing a 5-minute story about it on the news. 


That's one of a long list of stories I think about often.  I become enthralled with them.  I think about them everyday, pray for them, follow their stories and even cry for them.  It's a little much and Sean often asks me why I do that to myself, to which I can honestly say, I have no idea.  I'm just somewhat obsessed.  (I hate to use that word because it sounds creepy and I'm not a creepy kind of person.)  I just feel a connection with others who are grieving.  I feel their pain and loss.  I know what Day One, Week One, Month One, Year One and so on is like.  I've been there...and still am.


Months and years later I still think of the people and stories I've read about or watched on TV and wonder how they are doing.  Did they find some kind of peace and hope or are they still suffering in agony?  I want to reach out to every one of them and tell them that I understand.  I am them.  This is my reality, as well.  (Although, everyone's loss and grieving process has just as many differences as similarities.)  


There are times that I feel surrounded by death.  Every death I hear of hits me hard and sticks with me indefinitely.  It's that club that no one wants to be a part of, including myself, but now I am and there's no getting out of it.  (However, it is a special club full of people who have love, compassion, and empathy like no other.)  


These feelings and concerns are consuming and overwhelming, yet it's in some ways addictive.  I guess I feel a kinship with others who are grieving.  We have a mutual understanding, even if nothing is ever said between us.  


So I'm still trying to determine if there is a thing as too much compassion and if so, do I have it?  Or am I just a crazy freak obsessed with death?  I sure hope its the former!!