We Can Live With God Again

As I watched this video on a friend's Facebook page, I couldn't help but cry my eyes out.  It is so beautiful. 

We Can Live With God Again

Another Angel in Heaven

My Grandmother died this morning.  It's interesting the different perspective it brings when you already have someone so close to you there in Heaven.  I have such faith and immense belief in the fact that when we "die" it's literally just our body that stops working.  Actually, I don't just have faith, I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that life goes on after we leave this Earth.  That being said, I've been thinking all day about what my grandma is doing up there in Heaven.  

It's so real to me that I imagine her as alive as if she were sitting in her apartment in Boston.  Really the only difference is that I can't call and talk to her or visit her whenever I want.  Unfortunately, that's kind of a big difference and even the faith and knowledge that I have doesn't take away my sadness to see her go.  I'm really going to miss her.

I read a book called, The Message, right after Hailey died that gave me such peace and comfort in regards to where she is.  It's written by a man named Lance Richardson who spent three months in a drug induced coma. During that time he left his body several times and visited the Spirit World.  The book is his account of what it's like there and what he learned.  Of course, not everyone will find this believable which is totally fine with me.  I will say, though, that I believe it 100%.  It follows exactly what my religious beliefs tell me is true, not to mention, that he gives several experiences that really can't be disputed.  (For example, he went and watched his children in their classrooms and upon waking up from his coma he was able to describe exactly what they were wearing, where they sat, and what questions they asked.)  That's enough for me to believe, and honestly, if for some reason I'm wrong it's okay with me because it gave me the comfort I needed in this lifetime!

Anyways, as I've been thinking of my Grandma and her reunion with her family members who have died before her - in particular, Hailey - I can't help but feel the joy in her soul to finally be out of her 94-year old body and free for the intense pain she's felt for so many years!  I decided to look back through the book for some comfort and here is one passage that I read:  

"I watched numerous people pass through that veil while I was there.  It was most enjoyable.  I witnessed an elderly woman whose family anticipated her arrival.  They were jumping up and down excitedly, as if waiting for a loved one to come off an airplane. ... Upon seeing the group, the woman's expression turned to one of absolute splendor."

"The group began to walk away together.  "They are going to where a family celebration has been planned," Randy explained."  (Randy is Lance's cousin who passed away 20 years prior.) 

I could quote this entire book!  It is seriously one of the best and most exciting (if you will) books I have ever read in my lifetime!  It gave me so much hope and peace when Hailey died.  I highly recommend everyone check it out...even if you're not a believer, it's still very interesting. 

Anyways, selfishly I wish my grandma were still here, as I also do Hailey, but unselfishly I think they are so lucky to be where they are.  They are even more a part of our lives from there than if they were physically back here on Earth. I seriously look forward to the day when I get to go be with them again and check out that Spirit World, or Paradise, as we often call it.

My Grandma meeting Joey for the first time, a week before she died.

The aMAYZing Kids Clinic

An aMAYZing thing happened last weekend...yes, the pun was intended!!!  Before I go any further, I'm going to attach the two articles that were in the paper for you to review:  (Make sure to click on the photos in the articles.)

‘Real Housewives' help raise $10K for pediatric clinic

Pediatric Clinic Fundraiser Nets Nearly $10K

Now, assuming you read the articles you already know what that aMAYZing thing was!!  Our clinic is finally open!  It has taken Sean and Hailey's therapists over a year of extremely hard work and dedication to get to this point, but it has paid off!!  I am so proud of them!

I often go and volunteer on Wednesday's when my mother comes down to watch my kiddos.  It is such a wonderful experience.  I really wish I could work there full-time because I feel Hailey's spirit so strongly there.  It is such an awesome place to be!!!

Since I'm only able to be there once a week, I haven't really seen any children be treated until just recently.  A couple of weeks ago I sat in the office listening to the therapists work with these special kids and my eyes welled in tears over the sheer joy it brought to my heart.  I remembered so vividly all the times I heard them say the exact same things to my sweet Hailey.  It was such a beautiful thing.  After listening for a little while, I couldn't help myself so I peeked around the corner and watched for a few minutes.  It may sound odd, but it was so exciting to see the pride on the children's faces when they were successful at a task and heard, "Good Job!  You did it!"  I was right back there with Hailey all over again.

The thought of us being able to help other children and give them the same sense of pride and increased quality of life Hailey has is one of the most exciting things I've ever experienced in my entire lifetime!  The therapists that worked with her, and now helped create aMAYZing Kids, are among the very best...not just at what they do, but at who they are.  These woman love their job, along with the children they work with, and it shows every time they are with a child.  I will be forever grateful and indebted to them for what they did for Hailey and even more so, for how much the loved and still love her.

I want to extend a special and heartfelt thank you to all those who have supported us in this venture.  aMAYZing Kids would not be possible without all the volunteers and donations we have received.  It is so overwhelming to me how much my daughter was and is loved!

I could have NEVER imagined, 2 years ago, that what I thought was a tragedy in the sudden death of my baby girl, would in fact become a huge triumph and blessing to so many.  I know she is proud!

For more information on aMAYZing Kids, please check out our website at:  http://www.amayzingkids.com

Pretend City

The other day I took Ava to a place called Pretend City.  For those of you who don’t live near me, it’s literally a mini city for children. It’s in a huge warehouse-like building and the inside is set up like small downtown.  It has a house, garden, grocery store, doctor’s & dentist’s office, library, restaurant, bank, beach, police station, water area, construction area, art area, stage, and even roads with little cars the kids can drive around.  Basically the kids just run around and pretend to be whatever they want to be.  It’s a great place!

Anyways, while I was there watching Ava play in the restaurant area, pretending to be a waitress and bring me fake food, it struck me how much I have come to love pretending again, as an adult.  I love to pretend that Hailey is still here, alive and well and growing up with her sisters and brother.  When I’m with my kids, I often sit back and watch them wondering where Hailey would be in the mix and pretending that she’s up in her room playing or in the bathroom or on a play date, but wherever it may be I also pretend that she’ll be home that night for dinner.

I have found that I actually enjoy talking with people I don’t know, and that I’ll probably never see again, about my kids.  When I do so, I just pretend that Hailey is still here and talk about her as she was and as I think she would be.  For example, I met a lady sitting in the doctor’s office one day when I was with Ava and Joey.  Of course, the inevitable question, “How many kids do you have,” was asked.  I quickly answered 4, as I always do and always will.  Then, like clockwork, she asked their ages.  I know she was just trying to make small talk, but people have no idea how much that question stings when you’ve lost one of your children.  It’s the worst.  So, as always, I said, “8, 5, 2 ½, and 3 months.” 

It took me so long, after Hailey died, to figure out how I was going to answer those questions because I knew that’s usually the first thing people ask when they see someone with a bunch of kids. After much thought and trying out of different responses, I decided from now on to answer just as I did.

Anyways, since I knew I would probably never see this lady again, I felt no need to inform her that my “5” year old isn’t actually five because she died when she was three.  When that comes up, there’s always the awkward, “Oh, I’m so sorry,” and then silence, to which I end up comforting the person I’m talking to and trying to make them feel better by saying it’s okay, (when, in fact, it’s really not).  So instead of going there I just started telling her about Lexi and how she’s in third grade and all about Hailey and what a great big sister she is to Ava and Joey (because I know she would be).  I started to really enjoy pretending that Hailey was still here and talking about her as if she was now a happy, healthy five-year old in Kindergarten.

I don’t know if that’s considered lying or not and at first I worried about it because one thing I am definitely not is a liar, but then I realized that it’s not a lie at all because Hailey is still very much here and alive in spirit.  And she is still the same strong, spunky, happy go-lucky, aMAYZing, little girl in spirit as she would be in body. So that’s my Pretend “City.”

Hailey's "First Day of Kindergarten"

So today would have been Hailey’s first day of Kindergarten. I’m not going to lie and say that I didn’t think about it all day long.  I went to bed last night thinking of how excited she (and I) would have been when I tucked her in.  I woke up this morning thinking of how excited she (and I) would have been when I dropped her off.  It really hurt. 

I wonder what she would have worn, how we would have done her hair, what backpack she would have picked out, where she would have sat in her classroom, how she would write her name, and on and on and on.  I longed for a picture of my two girls together on their first day of school, just like all those ones I see on Facebook.  I ached to see them walking together, hand in hand, to their classrooms.  (Okay, that one was a little bit of a stretch…I know Hailey would have refused to hold Lexi’s hand!  But I still imagined it anyways.)  I saw her running up to me after school with a huge smile on her face as I wrapped my arms around her and asked her how her day was.  I could hear her chatting away telling me about all the exciting events of the day.   

I know she would have absolutely LOVED school!  I remember how much she would want to stay with Lexi when we would bring her to school.  One day I was chatting with some friends as I was walking to my car after I dropped Lexi off .  All of a sudden I realized Hailey was missing.  I went frantically searching for her everywhere and after about 5 minutes found her sitting in Lexi’s classroom on the floor in the middle of all the kids.  Lexi’s teacher (or the other kids for that matter) never even noticed her.  I laugh every time I think of it because she just thought she was the cat’s meow!

 Here's a picture of Hailey that day.  She's wearing a green shirt and has a lollipop hanging out of her mouth.  I just love her mischievous expression!

Anyways, I know as a mother we always want and assume the best for our children.  Sometimes I wonder if Hailey’s life would have been as great as I had imagined it or if I was just in denial at how difficult her struggles would have truly been. 

She was smaller than most of the children her age, although her personality was 10 times the size of the average 3 year old!  But I know how cruel children can be at times (not because they intend to, but because they haven’t quite developed compassion and empathy yet).  Would the other kids have made fun of her because she was smaller or because she had a lot of scars from all her surgeries or because she got really “phlegmy” when she would eat and even have to gag sometimes?  Oh my gosh, that would have been absolutely devastating to me as a mother if one of my children were made fun of.  Although, I will say that Hailey, even as small as she was, didn’t put up with nothin’ from no one.  She would have taken those kids down in a heartbeat!

Anyways, I just wanted to share my feelings today.  I miss my little girl and hate the fact that for the rest of my life I’m going to have to wonder what she would be like.  I want so badly for her to be here living a “normal” 5 year old life.  I would give anything to see her and Lexi go to school together each day and grow up together and be best buds (and enemies) together.  Even with faith and hope, life still can feel really unfair at times.  I'm just grateful that I know she is right where she wants to be and probably couldn't be happier...even though I would very selfishly bring her back in a heartbeat.

Hailey's 2nd "Heavenly Birthday"

I know it’s been a while since I’ve last written, but this summer has been so busy!  Not that I’ve forgotten Hailey or my blog…I actually have a whole list of things I need to write about to catch up, so I decided to finally get started.

Hailey’s 2^nd “Heavenly Birthday” was August 11^th and it actually turned out to be a nice day.  It started off a little shaky because I couldn’t help but keep reminding myself that it’s been an entire 2 years, 24 months, 104 weeks, 730 days, 17,520 hours, 1,051,200 minutes, and 63,072,000 seconds since I last physically hugged, kissed, or heard my little girl laugh.  But the good news is that I did really well at not reviewing the events of that horrible day over and over again in my head.  I did think of it a couple times, but then reminded myself that Hailey would not want me remembering her in death, but only in life. Not to mention, that I knew it would do me absolutely no good.  That’s one of the reasons I’m so glad I started my blog because I have it all written down so I don’t feel the need to continually review everything over and over and over again out of fear of forgetting.  If I ever need to be reminded, I can go back and read what I’ve written…which, by the way, I still have not done out of pure terror at what difficult emotion it might bring back.

I did have a really cool experience that day, though, that I wanted to share with you all!  That morning we went and had frozen yogurt at Hailey’s Place.  I brought her a side of strawberries because every time we’d get frozen yogurt she would literally say about a hundred times, “Mommy, no ‘i keem,’ just stawbewwy…no ‘i keem,’ just stawbewwy.”  So I would always get her two big sides of strawberries instead of yogurt. The weather could not have been more perfect and her place more serene.  I felt like I was experiencing a little slice of Heaven while sitting there visiting her.

Later that evening my family and I went to dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings because they were having a fundraiser for Hailey’s Foundation.  What better way to celebrate her life than by going to dinner and making money to help other children in her honor?  As we were there I quietly asked her to send me a dime so I would know that she had a “beau’ful” day and was there with us.  It was already about 7:00pm so I knew there weren’t many chances to find one, but I also had faith that she’d come through for me.  I scanned the restaurant and the parking lot as we left but found nothing. 

While at dinner, my friend asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her.  It wasn’t a movie I was dying to see, but I thought it would be a good distraction.  When we arrived at the theater it was around 8:30pm so the parking lot was packed.  We decided to park a few rows away and walk instead of driving around for hours looking for a parking spot.  She randomly picked a spot where there were no other cars and parked.  I opened the door, stepped out and right at the tip of my foot was a dime shining in the light, tails up!  Of all the spots we could have parked, we just happened upon the one with the dime right there! I couldn’t believe it!!  My sweet Hailey heard me and was there.  I can’t even describe the smile that put on my face and the joy in my heart.

After 2 years, she is still just as much here as when she first left us!  I know she will always be nearby looking out for us and keeping in touch by sending her little tokens of love…a dime, tails up!

JOY

As the two-year “anniversary” of Hailey’s death quickly approaches I’ve been reflecting a lot on what I’ve learned since she died.  First off, I put the word anniversary in quotes because I hate using that term for a death.  To me, an anniversary should be something celebrated…a joyous event, so I’ll do my best to celebrate that “beau’ful” little life she lived.  Anyways, I’m not going to lie and say these past two years haven’t been the hardest, most excruciating years of my life because they absolutely have, but even so, I’m still here and moving forward everyday.  Even more surprising is that I still feel peace and joy at times.  This is because my precious child lives on and I know how proud she is of all the work we’re doing in her honor!

Over the past week as I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about who I am and how this trial has changed me.  One of my big epiphanies was that I'm not taking full advantage of one the special “gifts” that Hailey has given me.  I realized that I wasn’t enjoying my children, or my life for that matter.  When Hailey first passed away I remember suddenly becoming so aware of the little things and how important they are.  By little things I mean hearing my children laugh, seeing a beautiful butterfly, eating a yummy ice cream sundae, etc.  I really started to appreciate and savor those moments and it was wonderful.  Unfortunately, that appreciation didn’t last as long as I would have liked and I quickly fell back into being easily annoyed by the little things.  In this case, by little things, I mean a spilled drink on the table, a messy playroom, a fussy child, some traffic on the freeway, and so on.  Those “little things” that I once so appreciated were now overshadowed by the “little things” I began to find so darn annoying. 

I've finally gotten sick of being annoyed and miserable all the time and decided to really pray about it.  I mean, a real prayer.  Like the get on my knees, pour my heart out, and beg the Lord for help kind of prayer. So I did just that and I’ve done just that every single day now for over a week.  I told Him how much I just want to be happy.  How badly I want to enjoy my husband and children.  How I want to hear my children laugh and feel joy.  How I want to see the sun shine and feel joy. How I just want to wake up in the morning and feel joy.  And how willing I was to do whatever it would take to develop that feeling of joy.

The day after my first prayer I already started to feel it.  One of the impressions that came upon me was to stop voicing all my complaints aloud but instead keep them to myself.  And when those negative thoughts do creep in, argue with them, play devil’s advocate and see how true they really are (or aren’t!). Okay, WAY easier said than done!!!  But I truly feel that as I work on this and speak positively my thoughts will eventually follow suit.  My prayers aren’t usually answered this quickly or profoundly, but I think that God knows my desperation and pure intent. 

Then, sure enough, on Sunday in church one of the lessons we had was completely on JOY!!  I mean, could that have been any more perfect?  It so inspired me!  I know that God wants us so badly to be happy and feel joy, just as we want that for our own children.  Of course it may not be possible every single day, but I think overall when we look back upon our life, He would want us to say we lived a happy, joyful life.  So that has become my mission.  And let me just say, it is a work in progress.

So, what does this all have to do with the two-year “anniversary” of Hailey’s death? 

Well, another impression I had while praying was that one of the “gifts” Hailey gave me when she passed away was the freedom to enjoy her siblings.  When she was here, almost all my time, efforts, and worries were focused on her, which they should have been.  But that also left me little time to focus on her sisters.  Luckily, they are both healthy, very happy, well adjusted kids so it didn’t seem to bother them much.  But now I no longer have to worry about Hailey.  I know where she is and that she is much better off than she ever was here.  Does that make everything okay?  Of course not!  However, it should give me the peace of mind to be able to focus on my other girls and my new baby boy.  I realized that I owe that to her.  I owe it to her to take care of her siblings and enjoy them to the fullest.  Yet I have done nothing of the sort. 

I realized that I’m have become such a ridiculous control freak because losing Hailey made me feel so out of control.  I waste so much time being stressed and anxious over trying to control every aspect of my life and everything around me.  To be quite honest, it is so exhausting and extremely overwhelming.  The ironic thing is that losing Hailey really should have taught me that I truly have no control over anything or anyone but myself and the way I behave.  That’s a tough thing for me to swallow, but I’ve finally gotten to where I’m ready to give it up.  I literally cannot do it anymore.  I have wasted so much time stressing over everything being exactly as I think it should be that I’ve completely missed out on the pure joy of those little things.

So the past few days I have seriously worked really hard at letting go of that false sense of control and just enjoying what is.  I am constantly reminding myself that those little things that I think are so annoying and frustrating will pass tomorrow and be completely forgotten.  So why waste one second on them now?  Not to mention that my little kiddos are not going to be so little for long.  I don’t want to look back on their childhood wondering why I wasted it all away trying to be in control rather than just loving what is and enjoying who they are.

Today was the perfect test.  I had all planned out in my mind how it would go, yet it went completely different and I totally embraced it.  Ava wasn’t feeling well and actually slept until 11:30…yes, 11:30!  That is completely unheard of and the “old” me would have been so annoyed that she missed preschool and I didn’t get to do the errands I was planning on. Instead, I reminded myself that my sweet little girl needed her rest and if my errands didn’t get done that morning, the world was not going to end. (Although, I’d probably be cool if it did!)  I embraced the peace and quiet and actually relaxed.  When she woke up, I took the girls out front on the driveway and pulled out this huge cardboard house Sean and I bought, a bunch of paints, paintbrushes, and markers and just let them go at it.  (So not my style…too messy!)  We had so much fun together!!!  The three of us sat out there and painted, chatted, and giggled for several hours.  And when Lexi asked me if she could paint her face (It was washable…I’m not that relaxed yet!) my initial reaction was to say “No way,” but instead I looked at her and said, “Absolutely!”  So, of course, Ava followed along and they had a blast!  And you know what?  When we were all finished, I put them in the bath and washed it all away…and yes, the world was still spinning! 

To some of you this may sound so trivial because you do things like this all the time with your kids, but for me, that would normally be very overwhelming due to the lack of control I would have felt over the mess.  Today I learned that messes can be cleaned up, but precious moments lost cannot be retrieved.  I think Hailey would have been very proud of the fun I had with her sisters!!!

So, in honor of Hailey’s 2^nd Heavenly birthday, my gift to her is to truly enjoy her siblings and the “worry free” life she left me.  Of course, I would take all those worries she brought with her back in a heartbeat if it meant she were here, but since that’s not an option I’m going to do my very best to feel a little bit of JOY, in her honor, each and every day!

Here are some pictures to prove it!!!

(Seeing the joy in my girls' faces made it all worth it!)