Ava has been sick for the past few days and today I was reminded of a terrible realization, one of the things I think I struggle with the most on a daily basis. While she was napping, I went in to check on her and she was so congested she could barely breathe. She was almost gurgling as she slept. It really freaked me out that she would choke as Hailey did and I’d walk in to find her the same way. I almost woke her up and brought her downstairs with me because I was so panicked over it. After forcing myself to calm down and let her get her rest, I left her room.
That’s when the flashbacks started. Everything about “that day” came rushing back to me and made me sick to my stomach. As my heart raced, I could see Hailey so clearly when I walked into her room (I now had Ava’s face there too.). I could feel my terror and panic. I literally re-lived everything, (finding Hailey, screaming, trying CPR, calling 911, then Sean, then my Mom, driving to the emergency room, seeing her again, hearing them call the time of death, falling to my knees, seeing my family for the first time, holding her for the last time, etc, etc.) and this time I was not only re-living it for Hailey, but now for Ava. Was I being ridiculous to re-live all that again and go that far over a little congestion? Probably. But unless you’ve been through such a traumatic experience, it’s virtually impossible to truly explain the emotions and lack of control over them that will forever be attached to it.
So, although my thought processes have changed quite a bit through therapy, I was sharply reminded of how much I still struggle with one huge issue…and I hate to admit it, but I’m really having a hard time trusting God again. I’ve been on my knees a lot pouring my heart out in prayer. Honestly, my prayers have never been so honest and sincere as they’ve been over the past few months. I’ve told Him everything about how I feel, my anger, sadness, distrust, fear, etc. He’s helped me so much to work through a lot of those things. Although they aren’t all gone, I’m feeling more confident in trusting Him again and that things will be okay.
I think that is one of the things I struggle with the most. The guilt I feel over not always trusting God. I mean I trust the fact that He'll help me through whatever comes my way, I just don't necessarily trust what He may bring my way...if that makes any sense. I feel such a lack of control over my world and what is going on or might go on around me. Unfortunately, that is reality. I have absolutely no control over any of it. And I have issues with that everyday. However, the one thing I’ve come to realize is that no matter what does happen, I will survive it! I mean, unless it happens to me and I’m not supposed to survive it! =)
Some people may find it comforting to know that God is in control, but sadly enough, I’m not always one of them. Of course, I’m okay with it when it’s something I agree with, but unfortunately that’s not always the case. I’d like to be in control if that’s at all possible! And I’ll be honest and say that I hate the saying, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” Well I’m sure He won’t, but it doesn’t mean I’m okay with handling what He gives me, just because I know I can. I’ve learned first hand the lack of control we have over life and what happens. Hailey was at home with me, her mom, in her own bed, sleeping peacefully after just getting home from the doctors with a clean bill of health. How much more in control could I have been? All was perfect...except it wasn’t. It was her time to go home and there was absolutely nothing I could have done about it. As much as I thought I was in control of everything that day, I wasn't at all. That control was not mine to have. That knowledge freaking terrifies me! I’m talking sick to my stomach terrifies me.
I remember thinking, after Hailey died, that the worst thing that could ever happen to me just did and therefore I’m safe from any more ridiculously painful trials, only to later meet people who’ve lost 2 or more of their children. I mean, seriously? This terrifies me everyday...who else am I going to lose or what else is going to happen to me? I mean how much can one person take? How much could I really take? (I’m not asking for an answer to that because I have absolutely no desire to find out.)
Minimizing this kind of fear is something I’ve been working on and learning how to deal with in therapy…not to borrow from the future because I have no idea what that could hold. And, even though my trust waivers at times, I know that I still have faith. I don’t necessarily trust that a huge tragedy or trial won’t occur sometime soon, yet, I do trust and have faith that the Lord will help me through it and I’ll survive it, like I have with losing Hailey. He's proven that to me countless times over the past year and half.
I now know that literally the only thing that anyone has control over in their life is their behavior and thoughts. As much as we like to think we have things under control, we don’t…they can change in an instant. (Sorry I’m not trying to freak anyone out or bring anyone down…I’m just sharing what I’ve learned!) The only thing that helps me with that terror right now is knowing how my Heavenly Father will step in and carry me when everything around me has come crashing down. I’m so grateful to still have that faith and the blessing of knowing that I do have a Father who lives in Heaven and who loves me more than I could ever imagine.