I was inspired to write about a comment that a wonderful supporter of mine wrote regarding my last blog entry.
Here is her comment: “First you have to know what an amazing woman you are for going through so much and still even talking to God. Please don't be too hard on yourself. As I read your post I decided I had to tell you something I learned that may help you a little. I am always afraid of loosing my son, especially when he gets sick. And one night he was sick and I started pleading with the Lord not to let him die. (It was a cold he had and I was just having a panic attack- it was not that serious.) The Lord's response to me was that this experience was about my son's mission here on earth, not mine. It has been hard to let go and realize that he is his own little person with his own mission. But I am comforted knowing that God really does have a plan for each of us. Even though our individual refiner's fire sucks. I am praying for you. You can do this. :)”
It was so nice to read that and just hit the nail right on the head. It totally reminded me of an experience I had a while ago regarding Hailey and my grief. (I apologize if I’ve already written about this, but as I’ve mentioned before, I’m still emotionally unable to go back and read my past blogs to check.)
Now, here’s the story. I was going through a few days of particularly missing Hailey and playing the “why me” pity party with myself. One night, as I was filled with both sadness and anger, I got on my knees and asked the Lord just that, “Why me?” It took a little while, but a still small voice finally whispered, “It’s not you.” To which I was a little confused. As I sat quiet and still, this little voice continued to whisper, “It’s Hailey.” (Not that it was Hailey talking to me, but that it wasn’t and isn’t all about me…it was and is about Hailey.) This was a huge eye opener to me, along with a small sense of peace.
Let me elaborate on why: Members of the LDS church believe in something called the Pre-existence. This means that we believe that we lived with our Heavenly Father prior to coming here to the Earth. In the Pre-existence, we knew and accepted our path, or mission, here. This may sound extremely strange to some of you, which I completely understand, but I wanted to share that with you before continuing.
Upon “hearing” that little whisper tell me that it wasn’t all about me, but about Hailey, I realized that this is Hailey’s story and her mission. This is what she knew and accepted prior to coming here. She knew she would struggle physically in this world and only be here for a short period of time, yet she chose it and for those of you who knew her well, she also completely embraced it. (Now this also means that I knew full well that I was going to lose my child and I wish I could remember choosing that because I’d go back and kick myself in the butt!) However, I also know that we will all be compensated and very blessed in the next life for our trials here on the Earth.
But it hit me that instead of making “Hailey’s story,” about me, I needed to be proud of her and accept her life for what it was, absolutely “aMAYZing & beau’ful”! I believe that when her mission here was through and it was time for her to move on to bigger and better things, the Lord gave her a glimpse of Heaven and she probably yelled at the top of her lungs, as she always did at home, “Abba door right now!” (Which meant, “Open door right now!) I truly, 100% believe that she was able to see the impact her life would have on people "here" and the difference she would be able to make from continuing it "there," and embraced that as well. I also truly, 100% believe that given the opportunity, she would not choose to return back to Earth because that's not her story. I think she loves her mission there and is proud of it and therefore, instead of focusing on myself and my suffering here, I need to also embrace that mission she was given (and accepted) and be so proud of her!
So now, when I have my difficult, sad or angry days, I try to remind myself that I am so blessed to have been chosen to be such a big and eternal part of Hailey’s special story! If I were to bring her back here (if that were even possible) I would be ruining her plan and mission for my own selfishness. (Although I hate to admit that at this point in time, I’d probably be selfish enough to “cancel” her mission and bring her back...I'll let you all know when that changes!)
I also now try to remember the same for the rest of my children when I’m worried about something happening to them. I try to remind myself that each of us, including each of my children, has our own story and mission for this life (and the next). Therefore, Hailey’s story and mission is not Ava’s or Lexi’s story and mission. So just because Hailey was called “home” sooner than I had planned, doesn’t mean that’s the case for my other children. They have their own story to write and mission to fulfill. That’s where my faith has to come in because as hard as it is for me to accept, I know that it is between them and their Heavenly Father. He knows the entire, complete picture, which is much more than my little brain could ever know or comprehend! (Not to mention, that in the end, this will all be over and we will be living together again, happily ever after!)
Of course believing and knowing these things doesn’t always take away the pain or fear I feel, but it does help put things into a little perspective. It really coincides with my last entry about my lack of control over things. Nobody else's story is mine to write, their mission is not mine to fulfill, so I need to stop trying to do so all the time. I guess I need to really work on my own story and making sure it’s something I can be proud of when my mission is complete!