The other night I had a dream about Hailey. It’s only the second one I’ve ever had about her since she died, which is somewhat bittersweet. On one hand, I’d love to dream about her all the time because it makes me feel reconnected to her and like she’s still right here with me, alive and breathing. On the other hand, it’s very painful because it makes me miss her so much and I feel like I’m having to say goodbye all over again when I wake up.
It took me a couple days to write about this one because when I try to talk about it I’m often brought to tears. It wasn’t one of those dreams where I talked to her or feel like she came to me intentionally. I think it was just me missing her and my brain trying to make sense of it all. Although, I thought about it all day that day and ended up getting a dime, so maybe she was telling me it really was her coming to say hi!
So, about the dream. It really wasn’t a huge profound event, and as you know, dreams don’t always make a lot of sense so I’ll do my best to explain it. In the beginning of the dream I was holding Hailey, but she wasn't really "alive" or in her body. It’s weird because she wasn’t really “dead” either. (I hate using that word when it comes to Hailey, but it’s all that works in this sense.) I was just holding her body without her physically in it…cradling her like you would a little baby, her head resting on one arm while her knees draped over the other. I remember (and actually woke up) crying my eyes out because I knew I was going to have to “give her back”…to who or what, I don’t know, but I just knew that my time of holding her little body was limited.
Then the next thing I knew she was awake and looking at me, but she never said anything. We just stared into each others eyes as I pretty much cried mine out. I remember squeezing her to my chest as hard as I possibly could, trying to feel every inch of her little body. Gosh, I wish she would have said something, even if it was just yelling at me as she always did when she was here!
I just cried and cried through the whole dream because I knew I was going to have to “give her back,” but I couldn’t bear the thought of ever letting her out of my arms again. Then I remember her saying (but not out loud, just kind of telepathically) that she was getting tired and she needed to go back soon. When that time came, I woke up startled, to find my face and pillow soaking wet with tears. I just laid there for a few minutes and cried, while my arms ached, and my mind yearned to fall back asleep so I could possibly see her again.
I did fall back asleep, but unfortunately didn’t see her again. That morning I couldn’t stop thinking about my dream and how much I missed her, so I asked her if it really was her coming to say hi. Well, sure enough she sent me a special dime while I was out and about running errands!! That made me feel better and like she was so close by me all day.
Having that dream though, has made me miss her a lot the past couple days. I’ve been thinking about her everywhere I go and wondering what she’d be doing if she were physically with me. This morning, I was headed to a garage sale at a friend’s house and was particularly missing her as I drove alone in the car. I told her I’d love to get a dime from her today, but then realized that there are a ton of dimes at garage sales so none would really stand out. (On a different, related note, I also save dollar bills with the letter “H” on them. They aren’t very common, start looking and you’ll see. So I love when I get one! Once I have a significant amount, I plan on donating them to her foundation.) Anyways, today at the garage sale, the first person to buy something from me handed me a dollar bill, and sure enough, it had an “H” on it. Could that be a coincidence? Sure. Do I choose to believe it is? No. I think it was my little Hailey saying hi!
Anyways, just thought I’d share my dream experience with you all. I’m still hoping and waiting for “The Dream,” as I call it, when Hailey will come visit me and we’ll be able to talk. I have a few specific questions I want to ask her. I’ve prayed for that dream to come one day and often hear this voice in my head telling me, “In due time,” so I take that to mean that it will indeed come, but I may not be emotionally ready for that yet. So, I look forward to every time I sleep, hoping that “in due time,” will be here!