Yet Another Rough Day.

 Yesterday was another tough day, seems like the theme lately.  Actually this entire week has been very tough, but yesterday was the peak of it.  I’ve been really sick with a sinus infection and unable to sleep for about 5 days.  I literally wake up every single night for a minimum of 2-3 hours.  A lot of thinking goes on while laying there in silence as everyone else is sound asleep, which isn’t always great for the troubled soul.  So, on top of being really sick, I was beyond exhausted…physically, mentally, & emotionally.

It hit me hardest yesterday.  When Ava went down for a nap, I tried so hard to get some rest, but still couldn’t manage to get comfortable and fall asleep.  After an hour of laying there and thinking about my little Hailey non-stop, I finally broke down and cried.  Actually I did more than cry, I sobbed hysterically, almost as if I were back to the day when Hailey first died.  My whole body ached for her.  I missed her so much and for about an hour, I allowed myself to wallow in that misery.

One of the things I’ve been struggling with the most is the fact that she would be starting Kindergarten this Fall.  I have so many friends right now who have children Hailey’s age so it’s really hard to see them going to all the school meetings, orientations, etc.  I can’t help but continually think of Hailey and how excited she (and me, even more so) would have been.  I want nothing more than to be able to see her in her classroom and look at all the work she brings home.  I remember how excited Lexi was at Back To School night when she got to show us all the stuff she was doing and how fun it was to help out in her classroom.  She would beam when I’d walk through that door.  I want that with Hailey, too.  Not to mention, how fun it would be to have both Hailey and Lexi in school together.  Anyways, I already know it doesn’t help to dwell on all that, but I really don't care if it helps or not, I still do it at times. 

Anyways, after crying my eyes out for about an hour, I finally fell asleep for a little bit.  When Ava and I woke up, I decided to take some flowers over to Hailey’s Place.  (I take her fresh flowers every week.)  While there I sat and talked to her for a while.  I don’t normally talk out loud to her when I’m there, it’s just not really my thing.  I’ll say hi and stuff, but I don’t usually sit and converse with her out loud.   Yesterday was different.  I missed her so much I just wanted to talk to her and tell her everything, although in a lot of ways I believe she already knows.  Anyways, after telling her how much I missed her and ached for her and how difficult the past few weeks have been I finally kissed her little picture and said goodbye and asked her to let me know she’s around.  When I drove away, the first traffic light I hit was red.  As I stopped, a huge Lay’s potato chip truck came right across the intersection in front of me!!!  Of course, I started to cry again, but this time tears of joy.  I knew at that moment that she was there with me right then and knew all I was going through and most importantly, that she still loves me!