This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

If you'd like to start from the beginning, click on the beautiful, adorable picture of Hailey on the right hand column.

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Sunday, June 13, 2010

She's Always Here!

Lexi had the day off school on Friday, which ended up bringing another harsh realization to my world.  It's going to be a long summer with Lexi home everyday and Hailey not around to play with her.  

Ava was up super early that morning, which means I was too.  So a little later, I decided to take  a nap while Ava was sleeping.  Lexi was hanging out with me for a bit and then decided to go down into the garage (it's finished like a playroom) and play school. That's her favorite thing to play.  I was feeling a little guilty and sad for her that she didn't have anyone to play with.  Lexi and Hailey used to play school together all the time!  

Anyways, a little later we went to lunch with some friends, but I was feeling really down and missing Hailey a lot.  I just couldn't stop thinking about how hard it's going to be without her all summer and how sad I was for Lexi that she lost her playmate.  Now, don't get me wrong...Hailey was her playmate, as well as, her "fightmate!"  They did have their moments of complete and utter screaming and crying matches, but it still gave her someone to talk to and something to do!!!  Lexi has tons of great friends and I know we'll keep very busy this summer, but it's still not the same.  No one will be able to take the place of her little sister and the times they spent at home playing together.

When we got back from lunch, I walked into the garage and saw on the little table she was using as a desk, a homemade name tag with Hailey's name on it.  

That literally just about broke me.  My heart crushed into a million pieces for Lexi and the loneliness she must feel for her sister.  I didn't mention it to her because she didn't mention it to me and I didn't want to risk putting thoughts or feelings into her mind that she may not already be having.  She is always very open and honest with me, so I know if she was really upset about it she would have told me. 

I think the issue is much more with me and my sadness for Lexi, than Lexi and her sadness for herself...if that makes any sense.  Anyways, later that day I was talking to my mom and telling her how down I was feeling about the summer coming up and Hailey not being here.  Last summer I took the three girls on some really fun adventures together and now whenever we go anywhere together, my girls and I, Lexi won't have her sister there to talk to and play with and "teach."  Yes, Ava is there, but the age difference is much bigger and it's just not the same.  Lexi can't really "play" with her yet.  So, back to talking with my mom.  She told me that she was talking to Hailey all day today asking her to send me something so I would know that she was still around and with me.  At that point, I hadn't gotten any sign from her and really wasn't planning on it since I was in the car headed to a friend's house for the evening.

However...little did I know!!  As I parked down the street from my friend's house, it was dark and I couldn't see much.  I was about 4 houses away, and as I came upon one of the driveways of her neighbor there in the middle of the street I saw a little silver circle.  I thought, "No way! That would seriously be impossible and way too weird."  But, I just HAD to double check...and sure was a DIME!!!!  I snatched it up with the HUGEST grin on my face thinking, "You sly dog, you!!  I love you so much!"

Enough said!


  1. Is it okay that I think that Lexi is amazing? What a great kid!!

  2. Great ending to a sad beginning. Hailey Mayz -you are wonderful for always being there for your Mom! We love you! Grammies