Wow...It's been a little while since I've last written and I actually had something else in mind to write about this time, but then when I signed on and officially watched that slide show for the first time, everything else in my mind went out the window. I'm sitting here typing this as tears are literally streaming down my face, my heart in a million pieces. What the heck was I thinking when I added that?! I mean, I wanted to add it because I wanted those who didn't know Hailey to see who she was and what she stood for, but wow...it hurts. The song that plays first, Dance, by LeeAnn Womack, was always my theme song for her since the day she was born. She lived that song to the fullest.
Now after watching it and listening to the song, I seriously can't stop crying. I miss her so much. My arms ache, literally. She was such an inspiration to me and I don't know how I got to be the one lucky enough to be her mom. As I look back at those pictures, which really only show a fraction of what she's been through, I can't believe how strong she was. My baby girl was probably the strongest human being I've ever met. She had just about everything done to her that a human being could have done, yet she continued to smile and love life. Which, even with all the faith I have, still sometimes makes me just want to scream, "WHY???" Why did she have to go? It's so not fair.
I couldn't be more honored that God chose me to be her mom. Sometimes I can't believe that He felt that me, of all the amazing mothers in the world, was the best choice to raise her and take care of her. And honestly, I don't know how I did it or if I would ever be strong enough to do it again. That's how I know that He carries us when we most need it, because as I look back at those pictures I realize that there was truly only one set of footprints to show for Hailey's entire three years of life...and they weren't mine. I was carried every single step of the way, without ever truly realizing it.
I also now know exactly what it means to have Christ as your best friend. Honestly, I never really understood that before. I mean, I can't physically see Him or hug Him or hear Him. He was never married, never had kids, and was never a woman!! So how in the world does He understand what I'm going through? How can He be my best friend? I just couldn't get it...until I lost Hailey. Then it all fell into place. The one thing I realized is that in order to have Christ as your best friend, you have to need Him. Just like with a parent...our children don't always need us for everything, so they don't necessarily come to us for everything. So when our lives are going along hunky dory, we really don't necessarily need Christ as our best friend. It's when our world comes crashing down around us and we literally have absolutely no one else who can truly understand us that we need Him.
I quickly realized after Hailey passed away that NO ONE, not even Sean, who was Hailey's only other parent, could truly understand exactly how I felt. So one day I got on my knees and cried my eyes out and prayed my heart out and asked how I was supposed to do this. It was then that this little voice came to my mind and said, "Christ understands...He was there for EVERY single experience you ever had with Hailey. He knows you better than you know yourself. He knows Hailey better than you even know her and He loves both of you more than anyone else ever could." Hmmm...I guess that makes sense. Although he was never a women, married, or had children, He did die on the cross for me and during that time, He felt EVERY feeling, temptation, hurt, pain, etc. that anyone who has ever lived has felt. So much so, that He literally bled from every pore. I can't even being to imagine that. (It was probably the PMS that caused Him to bleed from every pore!) Sorry...I just had to say that! Anyways, that's when I decided to turn to Him even more and really talk to Him...and more importantly (the hardest part for me) really LISTEN to Him. Get on my knees, pour my heart out as I would to a friend and then just sit quietly and listen and feel. As I started to let down my guard and started praying and talking to Him anytime I would call family or a friend, I noticed that peace and comfort came in ways that I never thought possible. It's one of those things that literally can't be explained until you experience it yourself. But it is amazing...life changing.
Anyways, I'm kind of getting on a religious tangent here, but after watching that video and feeling my raw emotions come rushing to the top, I needed to get all that out. Although I'm doing well on the outside, I still struggle a lot on the inside. I have major insomnia...literally not falling asleep until 1 or 2 in the morning and then I sleep for 2-3 hours every morning while Ava is sleeping. Bless her little soul for being such a good napper! I'm always exhausted, overwhelmed, and anxious. I struggle with the terror, sheer terror, of losing my husband, Lexi or Ava, or my sister or parents literally every second of every day. My mind races everywhere and I have a really hard time focusing on anything for more than a couple minutes. Every "negative" emotion: sadness, hurt, anger, impatience, frustration, is multiplied ten fold due to the grief and emotion I'm already living with on a daily basis. I wear my heart of my sleeve for Lexi and her emotional well-being.
Yet, through all this, I do still have hope and faith. I know that it will continue to get "better" and "easier," although it will never completely go away. It may sound weird or a little crazy, but I seriously continue to look forward to the day that Hailey and our family will be together again because I believe that 100% with every fiber of my being. I don't only believe it, I KNOW it!!! Sometimes I just have to remind myself though that it's probably not going to be for a while!!! And I also KNOW that Hailey made that choice to go to Heaven and rest, free of pain and suffering...and if anyone deserves that it's her. (Although, there is a good chance I'm going to spank her skinny, little, dimply butt when I see her again for leaving me!!!)
So, now that I just cried my eyes out and typed my heart out, I feel a little better. I still don't do so well looking at pictures of her and remembering all the memories...it really does cut deep. I'm just so glad that I sat down a couple days after she passed away and wrote down every single tiny memory I could think of about her so that when I'm ready to go back to those days I have it all there to remember!!!
And when the tough times come, the sadness, insomnia, anxiety, fear, etc. I just talk to my best friend and hear Him say, "It is now that I carry you." I can't even imagine where I would be right now if He weren't carrying me like a little baby.