This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Family Day at Disneyland

Lexi had a really difficult day yesterday.  I could tell that something was on her mind.  Something was bothering her and making her uneasy.  We talked a bit and I couldn't really get to the bottom of it, but it was really bothering me to see her struggling.  After losing her little sister, seeing Lexi sad takes on a whole new meaning now.  As a parent it's always difficult to see your child sad, but this kind of sad is not even close to difficult, it's excruciating.  

So, being the loving, caring, concerned mother that I am, I decided to do something extra special for her today.  :)  I got Sean to take the day off work and we kidnapped Lexi from school and went to Disneyland as a family...all "5" of us.  Of course, she was thrilled!

First off, only 10 minutes after getting there I found my dime!!!  It was laying tails up at the entrance to one of the little eateries.  I couldn't believe it!   That was my little Hailey telling us that she was there with us and wouldn't miss a family event for the world!  It was so cool.  

A little while later we ended up at this little play area, where we hung out for over an hour!  About a year ago, we were there with our neighbors and Hailey insisted on walking through all the rope nets by herself, with NO help.  She had a blast in that area.  I can't even describe how difficult it was for me to hang out in there today.  I never realized how many children were Hailey's age.  It was like a slap in the face and knife in the heart over and over and over again.  It really took all I had to keep it together.  My stomach had this huge pit in it.  It hurt so bad.  I actually almost had to run off to the bathroom a few times to let my sobs out, but luckily my strength held me up and I was able to keep it in.  I didn't want Lexi to think for a minute that I was sad!

Although, it turned out that she was feeling the same way.  All of a sudden she came running up to me and just started to cry.  I took her to a bench, held her precious little face in my hands and asked her what was wrong.  She said, "I just miss Hailey so much."  I hugged her harder than ever and told her that it was completely okay to miss Hailey and cry as much as she needed to.  She's like me though, and doesn't like to cry in front of people, so she kept trying to stop and hold it in.  I told her we could go walk away by ourselves somewhere alone and she could cry as much as she needed.  It seemed that as soon as I validated her feelings and gave her the okay to cry, she pulled it together and went back to being herself again.  Let me just tell you that I literally almost fell apart.  I was struggling so hard to keep it together at the "Happiest Place on Earth," and here my baby girl comes to me missing her sister so much she's crying.  There really aren't words to describe the pain I felt...I thought my heart was going to shut down and stop beating.

I worry about Lexi so much sometimes because she's so much like me and keeps her emotions bottled up inside.  When she cries about Hailey, I know she's dying inside to have gotten to that point.  I always make sure to tell her that all of her emotions are completely okay.  She can cry, laugh, yell, whatever she feels and it's okay.  But really, it's NOT okay.  It's not okay for my 6-year old daughter to have to go through something like this.  It's just plain wrong.  Absolutely wrong.

However, on a positive note, once we calmed that little hiccup, the rest of the day was awesome!  We had a great time as a family and really enjoyed each other.  Finding that dime meant everything to me!  

So we're hanging in there and taking it one day at a time, one experience at a time.  There are so many things we have yet to experience without Hailey.  I just have to remember that she IS here with us...she IS experiencing these events with us.  Honestly though, it really doesn't make it better.  Nothing will really make it all better. 

1 comment:

  1. i have had lexi on my mind a lot lately. i noticed that she was really quiet on wednesday. give her a hug from us! xo