Mormon Helping Hands = A Success!

Gosh, I really wish I had more time to keep up with my blog.  I have so much to write about and I love hearing all your comments and feedback.  Even after almost three years, I still struggle and look for the support that I received in the first few months.  Which, let me add, is usually there when I need it.  I am in awe with how much compassion people have and how much my little Hailey is still remembered!!!  It's such a "beau'ful" thing, as she would say.

Our Mormon Helping Hands project was a huge success!!!  We had over 250 volunteers show up to help.  What an honor it was for me to have the opportunity to serve at the very place that has taken such great care of my daughter since she was first laid there to rest.  I can't say enough good things about this cemetery (El Toro Memorial Park).  They are so wonderful there.

The staff that directed us in what to do was so grateful for our help and really the only way to put it is to say they were just plain nice!  Hailey's favorite thing to say was, "It's a beau'ful day out," and, that it was!  Gorgeous to be exact.  The weather couldn't have been better.  The people couldn't have been nicer.  The day couldn't have gone more smoothly.

I had many people ask to see Hailey's Place and as weird as it may sound, I was so excited to show them.  Her place is absolutely beautiful.  I really work hard at keeping her stone clean and polished, fresh flowers in the vase, pretty plants in the pots, a cute flag with her picture, and always a couple other knickknacks that represent her.  I figure that since I can no longer physically take care of her here, I'll take care of her place there.  I want people to walk by and think, "Wow that is a special, loved little girl."

Here are some pictures from the project:

The Entrance

One of the wrought iron fences that was painted.

Lexi and one of her best friends cleaning the stones in the children's section.

A friend and I working the table.

Hailey's Place

(This is an old picture taken by Lexi, but for some reason I didn't take a picture that day.)

I attached the links to several articles and a video of our service project.  The articles are all pretty much the same, but I figured I'd include them all just to brag how popular we are!!  :)  Thank you so much to all who were able to physically come support us and also to those who were there in spirit.  You are all important and much appreciated.

The Orange County Register

The Lake Forest Patch

Deseret News

Video

Mormon Helping Hands

As most of you already know, I am LDS (or Mormon).  In our church everyone has a "calling," which is basically an unpaid, volunteer assignment carried out for a period of time ranging from a couple months to several years.  Callings can be anything from the Bishop, to a Sunday School teacher, Youth Leader, Librarian, Greeter, etc.  I have had many different callings in the fifteen years I've been a member of the church: Relief Society (Women's Organization) Secretary, Sunbeam (3 yr olds) Teacher, Sunday School Teacher to 13 and 14 year olds, Young Women's Leader, Primary Teacher (8 yr olds), and many more. 

So why am I sharing this with you?  Well, my current calling is our Ward Public Affairs Rep, meaning that I handle all the things our ward (which is similar to a parish or branch of a church) does within the public realm.  One of these events is called Mormon Helping Hands.  This actually is a yearly event, scheduled this year to take place throughout California and Hawaii on this Saturday, April 28th.  

A quick fact about Mormon Helping Hands: The worldwide Mormon Helping Hands program was officially established in 1998 and since then hundreds of thousands of volunteers have donated millions of hours of service to their communities throughout the world.  

Since my calling has to do with all the public stuff within the church, my "job" was to plan this event.  As I sat in a meeting brainstorming with some representatives from other wards about where to do our volunteer project, I kept hearing this little voice saying, "Hailey's Place, Hailey's Place."  Everyone there knows about Hailey, so I was actually a little scared to suggest it out of concern that either they wouldn't like the idea or they would feel obligated to accept it so my feelings wouldn't be hurt.  But after about 10 minutes of throwing ideas out there and nothing really being agreed upon, I spoke up.  My heart was racing with vulnerability because Hailey's Place is a very special and tender place in my heart.  I was so nervous about how I would feel if it wasn't accepted among everyone.  

As soon as I mentioned El Toro Memorial Park (aka: Hailey's Place), several of the faces in the room lit up.  One of the men stated that they have never volunteered there before and his grandfather is buried there.  (I thought it would be a good place for that very reason.  Many people in our area also have family or friends buried there, which would mean it was probably a special place to them as well.)

Well, I guess my little Hailey was pulling for it too because the idea got a unanimous yes and I was put in charge of planning the event!!!  There will be between 150-200 volunteers there as well as The Orange County Register.  They'll be posting an article about it in the weekend paper!!!

 So, for those of you who would like to come join us and help out (You do not have to be LDS.) it will be this Saturday, April 28th, from 8-12 at El Toro Memorial Park in Lake Forest. Below is a list of the things we will be doing.  If you can make it, I would LOVE to see you, so please find me and say hi! 

I'm so excited for this project!  I've never planned something of such a magnitude, especially at a place so special to me.  I want people to come see Hailey's Place and how beautiful it is there.  Cemeteries are often considered "creepy," but not this one!  El Toro Memorial Park is so peaceful and beautiful.  I hope that the volunteers who come to help out will see that and feel the sacredness of those who are resting there.

For those of you who can't make it, I'll be sure to write an update about how it went and attach the article from the paper!

The Projects

1.  Repainting the wrought iron fences that are peeling or rusting.

2.  Landscape clean-up.

3.  Cleaning off markers and benches.   (This is a great one for children to help out with.)

 

Too Much Compassion?

Sometimes I wonder if there's such a thing as too much compassion.  Ever since Hailey passed away my compassion for others who are grieving has increased about a million fold.  For a while I thought maybe I was obsessed with other's grief, but now I tell myself that its just a new found compassion from one griever to another.  


Prior to Hailey dying I always felt a certain level of compassion and empathy for those who lost loved ones, however after a couple days it would slowly fade away from memory as my life continued on.  Now its a whole different story.  Those emotions never seem to fade away even when my life does continue on.  I literally have a data bank in my brain of all the tragic deaths that have occurred since Hailey passed away, most of them people I have never even met.  Not only are they filed away there, I refer back to them often.  For example, I remember a couple years ago seeing a story on the news of a high speed chase where the man ran a red light and killed a husband and wife who were driving home from dinner.  The newscaster was interviewing their children, who were in their 30's, and I remember my stomach just turning for them and their great loss. I still think of them often, two years later, after only seeing a 5-minute story about it on the news. 


That's one of a long list of stories I think about often.  I become enthralled with them.  I think about them everyday, pray for them, follow their stories and even cry for them.  It's a little much and Sean often asks me why I do that to myself, to which I can honestly say, I have no idea.  I'm just somewhat obsessed.  (I hate to use that word because it sounds creepy and I'm not a creepy kind of person.)  I just feel a connection with others who are grieving.  I feel their pain and loss.  I know what Day One, Week One, Month One, Year One and so on is like.  I've been there...and still am.


Months and years later I still think of the people and stories I've read about or watched on TV and wonder how they are doing.  Did they find some kind of peace and hope or are they still suffering in agony?  I want to reach out to every one of them and tell them that I understand.  I am them.  This is my reality, as well.  (Although, everyone's loss and grieving process has just as many differences as similarities.)  


There are times that I feel surrounded by death.  Every death I hear of hits me hard and sticks with me indefinitely.  It's that club that no one wants to be a part of, including myself, but now I am and there's no getting out of it.  (However, it is a special club full of people who have love, compassion, and empathy like no other.)  


These feelings and concerns are consuming and overwhelming, yet it's in some ways addictive.  I guess I feel a kinship with others who are grieving.  We have a mutual understanding, even if nothing is ever said between us.  


So I'm still trying to determine if there is a thing as too much compassion and if so, do I have it?  Or am I just a crazy freak obsessed with death?  I sure hope its the former!!

Still Here!

I know the time between my posts is getting longer and longer.  It's definitely not because I have nothing to say...those that know me well know that I always have something to say!  I've just been so very busy with our new little guy and our big move (not too far away).   It's been weighing on me day in and day out that I have so much to catch up on, but I just can't seem to find the time to do so.  I literally have a whole list of experiences I want to share.  The problem is, I've got to be in the right frame of mind to really write how I'm feeling, which is why it takes me a while to finally sit down and get it all out.  


Anyways, today, for some reason, I decided to check the email address I have posted at the top of my blog.  That's not my regular email address so I don't check it everyday.  As a matter of fact, I haven't checked it since January!  So, for whatever reason, I decided to log in today and see what's up.  (It was something to do besides packing!)  Well...I'm so glad I did!  There were two beautiful emails from two people I have never met but read my blog and took the time to write to me.  It made my entire day and inspired me to get back on the ball with my writing. 


I only have a minute right now and with the move this week it may end up being a few weeks before I actually get back on that ball again, but I definitely will soon!  


A quick update though...


As I mentioned above we are in the process of moving this week, which has brought about a whole slew of new emotions for me to deal with.  Our house is busting at the seams with our growing (and now complete) family so we needed more room.  It was difficult to make the decision to sell our house and start over in a new neighborhood, partially because this is the last house Hailey lived in and partially because I love my neighbors.  They all know about Hailey and most were here when she passed away, so I feel a bond with them that I won't have with my new neighbors.  I actually think I'm more sad about leaving my neighborhood than my house.  I know Hailey will be with us wherever we go, but unfortunately I can't take all my neighbors with me...our house isn't quite that big!


Even after two and a half years Hailey's stuff still hangs in her closet and lays in her drawers untouched and exactly where it was the day she died.  I have never been able to bring myself to go through it and really there was no need up until this point.  I've actually only opened her drawers twice, but never touched anything.  The thought of touching and holding the clothes that she wore and packing them up brings up so many emotions I guess I'm still not ready for.  I'm actually quite surprised that it would be this hard after so long, but I guess since I've never really touched them before I haven't tapped into those emotions yet.  Luckily, a really good friend of mine has agreed to come over and pack Hailey's things into a suitcase until Sean and I have some time to really sit down and go through them all.  As with writing my blog, I need to be in the right frame of mind to tackle such a task.


Another great friend of mine is an avid quilter and has offered to teach me how to make a quilt out of Hailey's clothes when I'm ready.  I love that idea!  I really don't want all her stuff just sitting in a box somewhere, but I'm also not willing to donate it, so I think a memory quilt would be perfect.  I also hope to make a small, handkerchief sized one for Lexi, Ava, and Joey.


On another note, as I was packing today I decided to go through all the cards and letters I received after Hailey died.  I saved every single one in a box that I have not touched since they stopped coming in the mail.  There seriously must have been 500 hundred cards!  I couldn't believe it.  I was reminded again of how loved Hailey and my family are.  It was a very bittersweet moment.  


I did cry quite a few tears as I opened several to read what was written inside.  It was almost as if I was back in those very first days again.  As time passes the pain and heartache are still there, but definitely not as sharp.  Although in my heart I'll never forget what those days were like, in my mind I sometimes forget how extremely painful they were.  I guess that's one of the tender mercies of the Lord.  However, as soon as I touch something tangible from those moments it's literally like a time machine that whisks me right back to that very point in time...emotions and all.  As I looked at all the cards and letters before me I felt as if it were that day all over again and not until Ava started yelling at me did I snap out of it and realize it's actually two and half years later.  


I have to say that I'm grateful that I don't have to feel that intense pain daily anymore, yet if I need a little reminder I am able to go back and experience it again for a brief time.  Why would I ever want to do that?  Honestly, sometimes I have to remind myself that this really happened to me.  I don't allow myself to think about it all that often.  By it, I mean the death of Hailey.  I think about Hailey ALL the time...probably a thousand times a day, but when I think of her it's my memories of her alive or my thoughts of what she's doing on the other side right now, or a little sign from her like a dime or Lay's truck.  I rarely ever think about her dying or the events surrounding her death.  It's so traumatic and painful for me, yet there are still times when, for some reason, I want to be reminded.  I don't know why, I just do.  It guess maybe it just makes me feel close to her again and not so guilty about continuing on in my life without her here. 


Anyways, that's where I am right now, at this moment. (So much for a few minutes!) I'll be back soon to update you all on how the move went.  This is probably one of the last "firsts" I have left to experience without Hailey, so I know there will definitely be some unforeseen emotions tied to it.


I also have so many more things to write about...some really cool stories and experiences, so I promise to really try to get on the ball!!  Thanks again for all your continued support.  I feel that even after two and half years have passed I still have the same compassion and support that I did on day one.  That means the world to me.

This Is Christmas

Christmas this year was a little tougher than last year, but not as tough as the year before.  First of all, I cannot believe this is my third Christmas without Hailey here.  I’m not sure why, but that realization really scares me.  We missed Christmas with Hailey when she was three because she passed away in August, almost one month after her third birthday.  I never got to see her when she was finally old enough to get excited about the all the lights, Santa, Elf on a Shelf, presents, etc.  So as mentioned in my last blog, seeing Ava’s excitement as she experienced these things kept reminding me of what I missed out on with Hailey.

I was feeling quite sorry for myself and really focusing on the fact that Hailey wasn’t here until one night at my grief group.  One of my great friends, who I’ll leave nameless for privacy, played a song that touched my heart like none other.  It's called, This Is Christmas, by Chris Kutless. Almost instantly it changed my entire attitude towards Christmas and the fact that Hailey wasn’t physically here to celebrate with us.  While listening to this song, the spirit spoke very strongly to my heart and made me realize that the reason I was missing Hailey so much is because I was only focusing on the secular part of Christmas…Santa, lights, the elf, presents…and not the true meaning of Christmas – Jesus Christ.  It’s all because of that most perfect of all gifts ever given to any human being that I will be able to be with Hailey again one day.  It’s because of the gift of Christ that my daughter still lives!  It dawned on me that if I started focusing on that aspect of Christmas, the true reason for the holiday no matter what anyone else claims, there would really be no reason to feel sad.  In fact, there would only be reason to feel hope and joy!

Now don’t get me wrong.  I still missed her and thought of her being with us often, but it wasn’t that same ‘woe is me’ feeling.  Below, I attached a link to the song, which is now my absolute FAVORITE Christmas (and maybe favorite song of all time).  Please take a minute to listen to/watch it, even though Christmas is over.  It’s kind of more pop/rock…not classical or a hymn.  I’m not kidding when I say it gives me chills every time I hear it.  

I am so grateful for the gift of my Savior and what that means for Hailey and me in the future.  I honestly don’t know how I would have ever made it this far “without” her if I didn’t have the knowledge of being able to be "with" her again.  From now on, I will be focusing primarily on the true reason for Christmas and putting everything else secondary.

(Scroll to the bottom for the song and lyrics.) 

Some pictures of our family at Christmas:

At Hailey's Place.

(Me faking a smile, before the ever big life changing song!)

Our family on Christmas Day

(Me smiling so big, after the ever life changing song!)

 Click here to listen & watch the song: This Is Christmas by Chris Kutless

(You can also read the lyrics while the song plays on the video connected to the link above...I copied them exactly as they are written there, but I encourage you to listen because the lyrics alone don't do the song justice.)

Do you find it hard to sleep tonight

Resting by the Christmas lights

Could there be something you forgot

Beyond the bows and mistletoe

The tree with presents wrapped below

There’s more to this than

you had ever thought.

Have we lost the reason

that we celebrate each year?

What is Christmas

If there never was a Savior

wrapped in a manger

What is Christmas without Christ

Remember how the story goes

God’s greatest gift was wrapped

in swaddling clothes

Beneath the star one

great and holy night

The shepherds heard the angels sing

And wise men brought

an offering

Peace on earth began in Bethlehem

Have we lost the reason that

we celebrate each year

What is Christmas

If there never was a Savior

wrapped in a manger

What is Christmas

If the angels never sang,

glory to the new born King

What is Christmas without Christ

There’d be no

Gloria…. in excelsis deo

Gloria…. in excelsis deo

What is Christmas

If there never was a Savior

wrapped in a manger

What is Christmas without Christ

This is Christmas it’s all about a

Savior wrapped in a manger

This is Christmas because

of Jesus Christ.

This is Christmas because of

Christ, because of Christ.

 

The First Day of Primary

Well I know it’s been quite a while since I’ve last written, not because I don’t have a million things to write about, but more because I have to be in a certain frame of mind or emotional state to really express my feelings or experiences.  I have to be inspired at the moment and have a quiet, uninterrupted place to sit down and really think about how I want to put what I’m feeling into words.  Let’s just say, with a new baby, the holidays, sicknesses, etc., I haven’t had many of those moments lately.  In some ways it’s a good thing because it means I’m keeping busy, but in others, not so good because it means things are piling up that I want to write about.  I will say that I write the best blogs ever in my head while lying awake in the middle of the night!  Unfortunately, I never have the energy to actually get up and write them and then by morning life starts again and the moment is over.  So, one of my New Year’s resolutions is to really work on keeping up with my blog.  For some ridiculous reason, I actually thought there would come a point when I wouldn’t have anything left to say.  Who knows, maybe that is the case, but it’s definitely not yet…even after two and half years.

I had an experience today that caught me completely off guard and gave me a profound and somewhat scary realization.  So I’ll start with that.  Unfortunately that means I’m going to have to back track a little for my subsequent blogs, which I don’t like to do because the experience has already passed and the feelings aren’t as strong, but hopefully my New Year’s resolution will help me avoid that in the future.

Now, after that nice long introduction let tell you about today.  In the LDS church when children turn three they enter a program called Primary.  There is a junior primary for children ages 3-8 and senior primary for children ages 9-12. The children start their new classes at the beginning of each year.  Also, once or twice a year the whole primary gets up in front of the congregation where they sing and give little talks and read scriptures.  The singing part is the best…especially on Mother’s Day!

I remember having a really hard time the first day that Hailey was supposed to move up to Primary.  She would have been with Lexi in junior primary for a couple years.  Lexi LOVES being a big sister and couldn’t wait to have Hailey with her.  (Although, I think it affected me way more than her.)  Then came the first time they all got up and sang, which happened to be on Mother’s Day.  What should have been a sweet, joyous experience was exactly the opposite for me.  To say it was borderline excruciating would probably be an understatement.  I had to stay because Lexi was up there and I needed to be there for her, but I think I had tears pouring down my cheeks the entire time as I watched what would have been Hailey’s class waving at their moms so proud and excited as they sang away.  My heart just ached.

Well today was Ava’s first day of Primary.  I was really excited for her, until I dropped her off.  I walked out of the room and then peeked in the window to see her sitting right up front with her little class of 3-year olds.  Then, all of a sudden, it literally hit me like a ton of bricks.  I started having flashbacks of what should have been Hailey’s first day.  I felt my stomach turn and my eyes start to burn with tears.  Quickly, I made my way to the bathroom, stood in a stall, and kept telling myself to pull it together.  After a few minutes, I walked out to find Sean standing there.  I think he could sense my pain because he immediately offered to take me home and come back and get the kids later. 

On the way home I was telling him how surprised I was at the unexpected emotions that came flooding up.  As I watched my sweet little Ava sitting there I went from seeing the back of her head, to the back of Hailey’s head, to the back of her head, and so on…if that makes any sense.  For some reason the past few months have been particularly hard for me.  I feel like my grief is all fresh and new again, especially during the holidays.  This Christmas was much harder than last Christmas.  (That’s a whole other blog I’m going to write.)  Anyways, that’s when my big, profound realization hit me.  Ava is now Hailey’s age.  Everything she is doing and experiencing is a reminder to me of what I’ve missed out on with Hailey...Christmas lights, Santa, Christmas morning, preschool, primary, the first time she gets up and sings at church, and so on. 

I wasn’t prepared for this new found trial in my grief.  I thought that as time went on it would continually get easier, so I was completely unprepared for how hard its been the last few months.  It’s very rare that I cry in front of people, but there have been many times I’ve had to shove the pain way down deep lately so I wouldn’t break down.  I couldn’t figure out why it was all so fresh again, until today.

So now I’m stuck with trying to figure out this whole new phase I’m going through and may possibly go through for a long time because from this point forward everything that Ava does and every milestone she marks will be one more I’ve missed with Hailey. My biggest concern is figuring out how to avoid allowing my sadness for Hailey to overcome my joy for Ava.  I need to find a way to enjoy all those exciting things Ava will experience just as fully as if Hailey were still here.  I love my children so much and the last thing I would ever want is to feel like I slighted one of them out of an amazing experience because I allowed my grief to take over.  Not to mention, I know Hailey would hate that too. I guess that means I’m going to be spending a lot more time on my knees praying for strength. 

We Can Live With God Again

As I watched this video on a friend's Facebook page, I couldn't help but cry my eyes out.  It is so beautiful. 

We Can Live With God Again