This blog is an uncensored look into my soul. I am writing this as part of my healing process, but am leaving it public so others can follow me through my journey.

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Monday, January 2, 2012

This Is Christmas

Christmas this year was a little tougher than last year, but not as tough as the year before.  First of all, I cannot believe this is my third Christmas without Hailey here.  I’m not sure why, but that realization really scares me.  We missed Christmas with Hailey when she was three because she passed away in August, almost one month after her third birthday.  I never got to see her when she was finally old enough to get excited about the all the lights, Santa, Elf on a Shelf, presents, etc.  So as mentioned in my last blog, seeing Ava’s excitement as she experienced these things kept reminding me of what I missed out on with Hailey.

I was feeling quite sorry for myself and really focusing on the fact that Hailey wasn’t here until one night at my grief group.  One of my great friends, who I’ll leave nameless for privacy, played a song that touched my heart like none other.  It's called, This Is Christmas, by Chris Kutless. Almost instantly it changed my entire attitude towards Christmas and the fact that Hailey wasn’t physically here to celebrate with us.  While listening to this song, the spirit spoke very strongly to my heart and made me realize that the reason I was missing Hailey so much is because I was only focusing on the secular part of Christmas…Santa, lights, the elf, presents…and not the true meaning of Christmas – Jesus Christ.  It’s all because of that most perfect of all gifts ever given to any human being that I will be able to be with Hailey again one day.  It’s because of the gift of Christ that my daughter still lives!  It dawned on me that if I started focusing on that aspect of Christmas, the true reason for the holiday no matter what anyone else claims, there would really be no reason to feel sad.  In fact, there would only be reason to feel hope and joy!

Now don’t get me wrong.  I still missed her and thought of her being with us often, but it wasn’t that same ‘woe is me’ feeling.  Below, I attached a link to the song, which is now my absolute FAVORITE Christmas (and maybe favorite song of all time).  Please take a minute to listen to/watch it, even though Christmas is over.  It’s kind of more pop/rock…not classical or a hymn.  I’m not kidding when I say it gives me chills every time I hear it.  

I am so grateful for the gift of my Savior and what that means for Hailey and me in the future.  I honestly don’t know how I would have ever made it this far “without” her if I didn’t have the knowledge of being able to be "with" her again.  From now on, I will be focusing primarily on the true reason for Christmas and putting everything else secondary.

(Scroll to the bottom for the song and lyrics.) 

Some pictures of our family at Christmas:

At Hailey's Place.
(Me faking a smile, before the ever big life changing song!)

Our family on Christmas Day
(Me smiling so big, after the ever life changing song!)

(You can also read the lyrics while the song plays on the video connected to the link above...I copied them exactly as they are written there, but I encourage you to listen because the lyrics alone don't do the song justice.)

Do you find it hard to sleep tonight
Resting by the Christmas lights
Could there be something you forgot

Beyond the bows and mistletoe
The tree with presents wrapped below
There’s more to this than
you had ever thought.

Have we lost the reason
that we celebrate each year?

What is Christmas

If there never was a Savior
wrapped in a manger

What is Christmas without Christ

Remember how the story goes

God’s greatest gift was wrapped
in swaddling clothes

Beneath the star one
great and holy night

The shepherds heard the angels sing

And wise men brought
an offering

Peace on earth began in Bethlehem

Have we lost the reason that
we celebrate each year

What is Christmas

If there never was a Savior
wrapped in a manger

What is Christmas

If the angels never sang,
glory to the new born King

What is Christmas without Christ

There’d be no
Gloria…. in excelsis deo

Gloria…. in excelsis deo

What is Christmas

If there never was a Savior
wrapped in a manger

What is Christmas without Christ

This is Christmas it’s all about a
Savior wrapped in a manger

This is Christmas because
of Jesus Christ.

This is Christmas because of
Christ, because of Christ.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing that beautiful song and your beautiful wisdom. In the last few weeks, I have been finding tails-side-up dimes everywhere (in the grocery store parking lot, tumbling out of the clothes dryer, at gymnastics class), and I thought maybe Hailey was asking for prayers for her mom and family during this holiday season. God bless you all.
    Love, Jeannie and family